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Weird Day:
Today has been a little weird, but nice. I got no phone calls and was able to just sleep on and off throughout the day. I watched TV and ordered out. I didn’t even have to leave the house. I started getting frantic phone calls at about 10. Apparently, everyone had been calling all day and my phone wasn’t ringing. I don’t know what was wrong, but after being yelled at by several people, I don’t even care. I think sometimes people can just calm down. Why do my parents suddenly need to hear from me everyday? The assumption that I am dead is irritating, but at the same time I am glad they care. I think they need to relax and let me live my life without being so paranoid all the time. My dad even said tonight “someone could have been dead and buried by now.” Blah. After one or two days, I would hope that they would just drive over if it was so important.

Happier Things:
I have been giving a lot of thought to the changes I want to make in my house. It is very cheery and bright which definitely has its place in my life. It has made me quite happy and hyper at times. However, I am ready for a much more adult look and my yellow and green walls will become light blue. Everyone loves my orange walls, including myself, but I might change them too. I will leave them to see how they look with the blue and if I don’t like it, I will change them to brown. I won’t be losing the punches of color, but that combination may be more soothing for a living room. I really got this plan in my head while coming up with a plan for Travis’ house. My colors are different from the ones used in the guest bedroom plan, but in the same family. I really can’t wait. I would love to do the blue in beadboard, but I am afraid that would cost way too much. Especially since I have the tall walls across from the loft. We’ll see. When I decide to do it, i think I will post before and after pictures on here.

I am excited to do some grocery shopping. I have been reluctant to do any for some time now. I think part of the problem is that I moved after finding a store I really liked and the ones around me aren’t the same. But the store I really like is right next to my work, so there should be no problem in going right after work sometime. And I am one of those strange people who really likes veggies. I need to get some and just make dinner for myself. It has been a long time since I used my kitchen.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian

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Family:
I talked to my mom last night. I felt bad that I couldn’t go to the cookout they had tonight. My issues really! I did find out what had gone wrong the other day. Apparently, her medications had a negative reaction with one another. She didn’t even know who she was, let alone what she was doing. Her doctor was surprised she was even able to get out of bed. Her response was that sometimes, she wasn’t. All should be better now. The drugs she is on now are more compatible with one another. I am super happy. It was the second time in the past six months that she sounded normal. I am a jerk for not making plans to go over there tonight… Oh well. I will have to next weekend.

Friends:
Everyone was having a good time this weekend, while I pretty much just slept. I always assume that my body needs the sleep if I do that. It really must. I wish I could have gone to Travis’ this weekend, but really need to soon. I need to get away again. And I still have a ton of vacation to use up. Did I whine about not getting an extra day off this week yet? I also really want to help Travis with his house and I have some great ideas. I hope he goes for them. Everything I thought of really says Travis and Sandra to me…

Me:
I think I would make the best boyfriend…
(okay, if I didn’t whine so much!!!)

Featured Image Art: photo by Lars Kuczynski (via Unsplash)

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Ashamed:
I am a horrible person. I hope all is mended, but I really was hateful. Sorry. I hope we are okay and you don’t hate me. For those interested, this has to do with yesterday’s post of bitterness.

Work:
I had a wonderful day today. Nothing happened today, but it was still wonderful. I got to see Meghan and “Dimberly.” Yay!

Featured Image Art: unknown illustration

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I AM UPSET!
I cannot believe that I cannot post things on here because people do not respect this as a journal. It is not an advertisement for everything in my life. I would like my family to respect this, but since they apparently will not, most if not all future posts will be protected. I feel very hurt by this. I am especially hurt that the people involved felt the need to continue reading when I had asked them not to. I shouldn’t trust people as much as I do. Most of those who read will still be able to at least. I am sorry this is how things are right now, but hopefully it will change soon.

Ding Dong…
I forgot to mention that GDFC is gone as of Monday! I really didn’t want GDFC to fail, but that is what happened. But now we can all have a more productive and nurturing work environment. Things will be very different though…

Jason:
I may have a nephew right now. Brad said he would call, but I will understand if it is later. Jess was in labor last night, and for her sake I hope it is/was quick! With all that has happened, I should write a book. Thank you, Travis for suggesting it.

Mom:
I have no news. I pray everything is going well.

Featured Image Art: digital image from Bradley Fuchs

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Goodbye Kitty:
Enough already with the creepy Japanese characters… they are so gay! Hey, me too… Hmm… I really do love Sanrio, but the characters just make me look so over the top and… something. Blah.

Mom (the information I have):
Apparently, she took a large quantity of sleeping pills after some conversation with her brother. It really pisses me off. Brad took her to the hospital, where she ended up in ICU. This all occurred in the middle of the night. I finally talked to my dad this morning. A couple of times. He had me call my aunt, told me she was fine, and told me he would update me. Okay… I was at work, so fine. Brad called a little later and told me I needed to come over after work. He said my dad wanted me there, but wasn’t even aware that I had talked to him earlier today. It was frustrating. I am not going over there.

Mom (why I won’t go):
I can’t. I don’t want to be around for this. I can’t help. I can’t see her. I am upset. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to halt my life every other week because she needs attention, which makes me sound heartless. I am angry with her. I don’t want to be just another person there. I am tired. I am stressed and nobody listens to my frustrations. I am selfish. I hate life right now and don’t want to risk a happy moment. I really feel like I just don’t want to be there. I hate hospitals right now. I do want to, but really want to be stubborn. I have things to do. I have had a long day and don’t need it to be longer. I think I make things worse because she is still having a hard time with my being gay. I just want one of these fucking days to be happy. I want to enjoy being me. I feel like my presence solves nothing. She is fine. She did this to herself. She knows I love her. She doesn’t want me to see her this way. She doesn’t want me involved this way. She wants me to just be her son.

Guilt trips are evil. I shouldn’t be required to justify my feelings just because someone else doesn’t agree. Today sucks a little.

Meghan:
Meghan managed to make me smile today. Thank you Meg.

Featured Image Art: photo of KC & LaDonna (her Nana)

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Boys:
Blah. Where are the boys?

DVDs I can watch over and over:
•Boondock Saints
•Donnie Darko
•Office Space
•Moulin Rouge
•Friends (any season)
•Queer As Folk (any season)
•Will & Grace (any season)
•I’m The One That I Want – Margaret Cho
•Metrosexuality
•Futurama (any volume)
•Zoolander
•Dogma
•Adventures Of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert

These aren’t necessarily my favorite movies, just what I tend to pop in. Now, that’s a list that makes me look gay!

Work:
Our store manager is back from her vacation. Hopefully, she had a great time and will be a joy to work with. She usually is anyway. I think I have decided that I definately want to come into a large sum of money so I will never have to work again. It would be nice to be independantly wealthy, even if I continued to work. Blah. I guess that is the American dream though: to be filthy rich and sit around all day.

Mom:
I am reading Straight Parents, Gay Children to see if my mom would benefit from it, and I really think she would at this point.

Featured Image Art: still from The Boondock Saints (2000)

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Big Brother:
I am having some trouble choosing which group I like now that the horsemen are dead. I am really siding with Will & Karen, but I fear they will soon be targeted unless the join with the twins now. Adria and Natalie are amazing players, but I don’t really want them to win. At this point, I would be happy with Jennifer, Will, or Drew. I know he was driving the house nuts, but I really liked Jase in the end. Not to win, but he made the house interesting.

That was incredibly geeky, I know.

Travis:
It is so nice to have a friend who understands me on the level that Travis does. JD almost understands me as much, but just is the slightest bit less tuned in to me. I really feel like I couldn’t get through life without Mr Travis. He is such a source of support, which has caused a lot of confusion. My parents (Travis, don’t read this part) don’t understand him or why I feel so strongly connected to him. On many occasions they have shared this and every time I am irritated that they would judge him. I don’t know why… why do I need a reason? Maybe it is because I fell in love with him. Maybe it is because he has always been there for me. Maybe it is because he is just a good guy. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Debbie should be so proud of him.

Brent:
I never give people the credit they deserve. I certainly didn’t with Brent. He has most likely known for a while that I am gay. He also would have been fine if I had actually told him. But I didn’t, and wouldn’t. He never treated me any differently, but he still knew. I am so lucky to have such brothers. They are so wonderful. Today is Brent’s birthday so I really need to call him.

Olympics:
Just watched the opening ceremonies, even though I will most likely not see most of the games. It was awesome though and I was very moved by the reception that Iraq and Afghanistan received. The fireworks at the end were also incredible and a reminder that they really spare no expense in this thing.

Featured Image Art: stills from Big Brother Season 5

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Mom:
So, we did this intervention thing with my mom. We (my 2 brothers and I) wanted her to be able to discuss it with us — her alcoholism. It went very well. It was the first time we had talked about it with her. It also became the first time we discussed me being gay. It was weird, but nice. Brent knew. I guess I am not that shocked. Anyway, as my perception of my family crumbles into dust, I feel more connected than ever to them. We actually discussed a problem, something we just don’t do.

Lori:
She needs to stop being sick.

Body:
I like me lately, so I am going to work out. I asked Justin and Patrick about joining them at their house. They agreed (since they offered a while ago). YAY! I really need to get with it… my arms and abs need attention.

Food:
I am craving guacamole.

Featured Image Art: photo of AA books

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My parents house = daycare
So, I am over at my parents house right now. It is currently nap time. Conner had me lie down with him and started Shrek… he has everything about that video memorized. Including the previews. It was funny to hear him repeat just the word “lightyears” from the E.T. preview. My parents got me a grill for my birthday. It is cool, but weird. Travis and I were just talking about me getting a grill. It is a table grill, which is nice since I will have to store it. I am using tonight to cook the dinner I had picked out and I really can’t wait to use it at the park… I think it will be useful and that is nice. It really was something I wouldn’t buy for myself.

Mom:
My mom has most probably been drinking today. I am not allowing it to ruin my day, but I still haven’t seen her since April. I think I may let her know that I didn’t appreciate it, but I don’t want to upset her. I shouldn’t worry about that though.

Featured Image Art: photo by Bianca Ackermann (via Unsplash)

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Mom:
I just received an e-mail from my mom about living with your sins. While the point will not be lost, I will not be applying it to being gay. I just can’t since I don’t believe that this is wrong. She is trying though and I sent a very lengthy e-mail explaining how I feel about several issues, including my position on gays and Christianity and how I feel less loved than my straight brothers. It was kinda crazy, but oh well.

pathetic.org
I posted quite a bit on my poetry site last night! I am excited to be a part of it again.

Self:
I am officially lonely again. I just want someone to share my life with…

Robby:
He had been busy and I am neurotic!

Family:
E-mail I sent to my mom. Her response follows.

From: fuchsboi@***.net
Subject: Mom… a few things
Date: July 23, 2004 6:37:12 AM CDT
To: (mom)

whosoever

This is an online magazine about and for gay Christians. It might be helpful for you to take a look at it.

Mom, one very important issue we do need to discuss is the difference in our individual beliefs on homosexuality. I do not believe that it is a sin to be me. I do not believe that ANY act of love is a sin, including all varieties of love between two men. It is very important to me that Jesus never spoke on this subject.

I have some books I will bring you that cover a lot of what I feel. I do not agree 100% with them, but the basics are there. There are no passages in the Bible which, in the original form, discuss gay men or lesbians. The closest is in Romans. But even this one discusses leaving natural relations with the opposite sex for the same. This makes no sense in my case, as I have a natural inclination to the same sex.

Somewhere along the way, I shook off the dogma I was raised with. I am so glad I did too. Earthly issues and Earthly things will not matter when we die. Not to us, and not to God. Why are we so worried about following some set list of regulations for personal conduct to gain access to a proverbial heavenly gate? There is no such place. Heaven is all around.

Here is the way I see the things we refer to as “Heaven” and “Hell:”
Heaven: A state of pure bliss for your soul, in which you feel the love of God at its purest. Always able to directly communicate and feel God. You become a part of God, in a way.
Hell: A state for your soul in which you have absolute knowledge that God exists, but you may not hear him, feel him or know the love he has to offer. This is a self inflicted existence. Your soul has become corrupted and evil.

I know that didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but there it is. God has bigger fish to fry than who I am attracted to.

Another thing that is extremely important for you to know is how much being gay defines me. I used to think that being gay is just a small part of who you are — like have freckles or blonde hair. That isn’t what someone is about, just identifying traits. I now feel 100% different. Being gay is who I am. Every decision I make is affected by it. I view the world with it on my mind constantly. And my future is dictated by it. I am a gay man, not just a man who happens to be gay. I will not have the traditions, father the children, be a part of any of that normality. It doesn’t bother me like it used to. Sure, those things would be great, but I now know I can live a wonderful and fulfilling life. I just had to redefine my goals. Again, every part of my life has to do with being gay.

I also don’t want pity. I am over it. No, we haven’t discussed it, but I am gay and have known for nearly ten years now. I admitted it to myself eight years ago and I knew something of it when I was a very young kid. I can share those things with you if you want. They are the dirty little secrets and I will understand you not wanting to hear them. But they are precious to me. They are my memories. I knew when I was at Rainbow.

I am glad you want to understand, but I know who I am now… I have for a long time. I am sorry that you missed out on that — you don’t even know how bad I feel for that. I had to do it alone, but I want you to ask questions if you need to, but be careful not to try to change who I am. I already figured it out, even if I didn’t share. This sounds terrible and I really meant it to sound nice… Hmm…

I really love you and really miss being so close. I hope we can take care of that now!

Brian

p.s. I have to tell you the most horrible thing I did recently. I was talking to Lori (because I had a date that didn’t go very well) about how I was tired of not being able to talk about being gay with my family. I basically told her that I didn’t feel like I was as loved as my straight brothers because I had to hide my life — I am the dirty little secret. I was crying as I told her this. I then told her I would never feel like my parents loved me — meaning the real me — until they asked me casually if I was seeing anyone or if I had a boyfriend yet or some other sort of question one would ask about me having a girlfriend if I was straight. And I meant it. This was about one week before you called. I had cried out to God about it… my heart hurt so much… and He answered. I am so happy that you called (even if you had to drive to the top of a mountain) because it showed me just how much I am loved. Equally. That was of such importance to me and I know I should never have doubted it… Thank you again. I love you.

From: (mom)
Date: July 23, 2004 8:34:18 AM CDT
To: fuchsboi@***.net

thank you so much Brian- loved your email and you should be kicked in the butt for thinking your mom or dad thought less of you, we have always loved you-period. … mom

Featured Image Art: unknown comic image

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Yesterday:
Okay, I seriously have no idea what my problem was yesterday. I was just so… blah. Today is better. Today I feel normal. It is so good to not feel so bad.

Work:
I am really trying to stay out of the crap going on at work, but it is too much sometimes. It is constant with people not doing any work, being completely inappropriate, and oblivious to the fact that they need to start shaping up. I want it to be over now. However, I do not feel that I am hurting the situation by staying out of it. I am sorry to anyone who feels that way. I understand what they mean, but the only way for me to help my own situation is to do what I feel is right and not be pressured to get involved.

Family:
My mom is back from North Carolina. I am so excited, even though I won’t be able to see her for a while still. Ugh. I am just thrilled that I don’t have to hide who I am in my parents’ house anymore. I think just that will take care of a lot of tension and distance that has been between my parents and me. I also know that it will be hard, because although Mom wants to understand being gay, she doesn’t currently understand. It will be a very rewarding part of my life.

Vacation:
I am greatly anticipating my next block of vacation, which starts next week. I can’t wait to see Robby & Jim. I am really looking forward to getting away again. And when I return, I only work one day and then I am off for my birthday!!! Yay! I will be 25. I am not really sure if I am comfortable with that, but I really have no choice. I don’t so much mind getting older, but I do mind not being young any longer. Does that make sense?

Featured Image Art: photo by Namroud Gorguis (via Unsplash)

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Vacation:
Fifty freakin’ bucks later, we have pictures!!! I will post less flattering pictures later. There are some great ones of my neice, KC, that I’ll post too!

Family:
Bradley stopped by the store today. He wanted to come by later, but didn’t tell me that at the time. I feel kinda bad for not being patient with him, but I hadn’t even seen him for three months. The least he could do is stop by. He works here in Tulsa!!

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & KC

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Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …

Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!

Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.

Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.

Featured Image Art: altered photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

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Semiprecious

Turquoise makes me sad
because my grandmother is dead.

Notes

Written 15 July 2004 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Semiprecious” from Scissor-tailed Flycatcher (Scissortail Press, 2020)

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Vacation:
I don’t look very excited to be on vacation, I know… but I am! Lori & I left yesterday at about 10:30ish. When we got to Stillwater, my dad was not feeling well and Janessa (Jes) had not shown up with Conner yet. When they did finally show up, Jes had brought her annoying best friend with her. It wasn’t a very exciting visit… Oh well.

We then went to Edmond to see Brent, Laurisa, and KC (my neice). I had quite a nice visit with my brother. It is always nice when he is in a talkative mood. Jim was supposed to call while I was there… he didn’t. After a long visit, Brent gave me some photos (he is a photographer), we went to eat, and were on our way to Sayre.

Now see… I love Sayre. I do forget that others don’t. It is a very small town which is falling apart. It is dusty, smells like a farm, and everyone knows everyone else’s business. Just our presence in town was undoubtably talked about. I wanted the full experience, so we stayed at the Western Motel, a great old motel with a vintage sign (I will post a pic when we get our film developed). I just feel at home there. They pronounce my name correctly without asking (I have tons of family out there). Plus, when we walked into the motel room, the Bible was not only on the table for us, it was opened so we could start right in! I love that crazy stuff.

We woke up this morning pretty early. I was hyper after sleeping, which is way unusual. We gave ourselves plenty of time before deciding to go eat. Again, small town. I am not sure that Lori quite grasped that. The options were 2 diners and 1 donut shop (which closed at 10:00). Sonic (literally the 3rd restraunt in town) was probably open, but we weren’t really feeling it. We didn’t eat. We drove out to Sweetwater.

The cemetary was nice. It wasn’t too hot, partly cloudy. One complaint: just a little too windy for what I was doing (cutting silk flowers). I prepared the flowers and put them at my grandparents grave. I reserved 1 each for Janice, my aunt who died when she was 2 weeks old, and my great grandma McGuire. I removed the old flowers, dusted off the headstone, and we left — old flowers in tow.

We drove from there with even less desire to stop and eat. We settled on the veggies we had brought with us, but foolishly not touched yesterday. We then drove back to Oklahoma City and down to Norman.

In Norman, we stopped to see Jim at work. I didn’t have any idea where his work was and we circled the block once before stopping for directions… I was trying to be a boy and not ask… We stopped in and saw him (and Yesh too). It was very nice to see him as friends instead of as a love interest. I can deal with Jim as friend, I think. He is so goofy, with his bingo obsession! We chatted just briefly with him before he had to get back to work. But not before he told me about the “braclets” we got at Pride… if you know, you know.

We then started the longest part of the drive down to Round Rock. We stopped and ate in Ardmore, stopped for gas in several different places, but we generally just drove. Now, here we are… in Round Rock. David isn’t here… But I can still visit with/see Travis. We have some brief plans tomorrow, so hopefully we can fill it in with fun stuff. Lori, David, and I are planning on going out. I really wish Travis and Sandra would come with, but at least we can talk behind their backs this way… hehe.

Having a lot more fun than working!

Children:
I really think that Jes should listen only to herself in choosing the name of her children. She was talked out of Felix Doyle once before, but has her heart set on it again. She needs to ignore everyone else and just do it! Felix Fuchs is fun anyway!

Conner and KC are the best kids ever!

Questions: (1:50 a.m.)
I just came back inside from lying on the driveway watching the stars float ever upward — and never moving. I watched and smoked and realized that I am happy.

Lori asked me about my friendship with Travis before we got to his house. I was left with a question, which I maybe should have asked then (she wants me to talk about me more, which I am not accustomed to doing). Why are Travis & I friends? Furthermore, why am I friends with anyone else? I suppose I have a good answer in some cases. I helped Justin through his mental illness struggles. Robby and I are young gay men who have a lot in common. Lori and I work together and have mutual tastes as far as work goes. From there, we are able to share similar musings on family with one another. But Travis? JD? Jess? Shauna? James? Brent? (yes, he is my brother, but also my friend) Why? I don’t know.

Maybe we need no reason. Maybe it is about nothing more than acceptance of who we are by another human being. But I am not friends with so many people who would or are accepting of who I am fully. It occurs to me that not only do I have no reason, but I am not sure there is one. I feel at home around Travis. I just like him. And he has flaws… flaws that would bother me if he was someone else. I just was thinking. I might go back out there later if I don’t stop thinking about it.

G:
After visiting her in the cemetary, I purchased a turqiose ring, which I am wearing right now. It really makes me think of her and miss her like crazy. She used to have small bits of turqoise that she kept on one of her bookends. The bookends were shaped like canoes with people in them. From there, I think about her house and how I miss it.

Featured Image Art: photo of Western Motel, Sayre, OK

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