It’s finally out.  And I can finally get some sleep!  Here are the links to my book on Amazon.  I think it looks so much better in paperback, but there is a Kindle version available.

Amazon Paperback

Amazon Kindle

If you don’t already know what’s up, here’s a little backstory.  I’ve been writing since I was a child.  My first poem that I remember was written in October 1988 when I was 9 years old.  When I was 12, my teacher accused me of plagiarism because she didn’t think a child could write.  I don’t say that to congratulate myself at all.  I’m not even sure if that was worth all the aggravation.  It has been lost to time.  It was titled Paige and it was about the life of a woman who never finds happiness.  But I imagine the actual poem would seem completely juvenile now.

I started writing in earnest in college and since 1997 I have written consistently.  While I veer off into other projects, like short stories or novels, I find poetry that I always return to poetry and enjoy writing it.  Over the years, I’ve developed my own style.  That is a good thing.  The problem is that I also haven’t had serious critique of my work since I graduated from college, so I don’t actually know how my work is seen by others.  I’m amazed that I’ve managed to spend the better part of 20 years unwilling to share my work for fear of rejection.  And I really should have managed that sooner!

When I lost Mom last year, the first thing I did was crawled into a metaphorical hole for 9 months.  I wanted to disappear because I didn’t understand how one can live without his mama, and I’m not too proud to say it.  It also brought a few things into focus.  One of those things was letting go of the expectations and opinions of others.  Now, I mean of me as a person, not my work.  That is a lesson that has been taught to me my entire life, but sometimes things need to cook for a while.

So, now I’ve got a book.  I worked diligently over the summer to get it done.  My garden is sad and neglected, my roommate is sad and neglected, and my family… well, they are too busy to have noticed, but if they had I imagine they would feel sad and neglected.  For this first collection of poems (because I don’t want it to be the last!), I wanted to focus on a few things: 1. Poems with very specific references to people.  It’s not that I won’t write that way in the future, but I wanted to give people the words I had written for them before getting into other subjects.  2. Epitaphs.  I’ve lost a lot of people and I often have things to say about that.  I’d like to get through a lot of those I’ve had lying around, but there are many more.  3. My very favorite poems I’ve written… that aren’t too scandalous.  I get it, family will buy this first book. They will even hang on for a second, but by the third they won’t be too fussed about it.  So, I have actually created a plan where my third book is where I completely let my hair down.  That does mean I have to do at least 2 more books, but it also sounds like I’m censoring myself.  In a way I am, but I’m not completely either.  I want my prudish great aunt to be able to have something she will never read, but that won’t make her blush too much if she decides to open it up.

Last thing I will say about it, I decided to make notes on each poem.  Rather than include them in the actual printed book, they can be found here… in the writing tab, or at this link.

Tomorrow I turn 40.  I don’t know that I’m reacting at all.  Maybe part of getting older is that these milestones mean less than they did.  That sounds right.

I’ve been thinking about the concept of legacy lately.  I recently watched a talk by an older woman who had been diagnosed with cancer and knew she would be dying soon.  She didn’t want a legacy; she was so excited to return to the Earth, to be a part of the natural world.  She talked about how beautiful that was.  That really resonated with me and I had never heard anyone talk about it like that before.  I find that I want both.

I’ve been working on my family tree for the past couple of years.  It’s fascinating to discover these people from the past, people whose existence influences my life in ways I will never understand.  They would have passed on lessons to their children, and those children to theirs, and so on.  How far back would I have to go to find the genesis of my belief in fairness, my general work ethic, and my independent spirit?  What would I find that wouldn’t be passed on?  It’s such an interesting space to live in.

I have no children.  Does that mean I will have no legacy?  I admit that it is hard to see a situation three generations from now where there are descendants of my brothers working on their own genealogy and giving much thought to their distant uncle.  But I do that for my own tree.  Some of the most interesting people I find on my own tree are those who did not have children of their own.  That is at least a little bit comforting.  And I hope they find me interesting.

That isn’t at all to write off having children of my own.  I still want that.  I’m not sure at what age it becomes a selfish pursuit, but I don’t think forty is it.  I make many excuses, but adoption is something I should really think about.

I’ll be forty tomorrow, and I’ve been talking about the loss of my youth.  I don’t actually believe that.  I think I’m trying to convince myself somehow that I have to grow up now.  Most days I feel like I’m twenty, but I have days when I feel sixty.

I thought I would be panicky, but I’m not.  I thought I would be coupled, but I’m not.  I thought I would be settled, but I’m not.  I thought I would be a lot of things.  But I am where I am.  And I’m okay with that.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Christmas music, especially in the car.  I love it.  I look forward to the switch to all every year, and like everyone, I have some favorites I’m excited to hear.

“The inexpressible depth of music, so easy to understand and yet so inexplicable, is due to the fact that it reproduces all the emotions of our innermost being, but entirely without reality and remote from its pain…Music expresses only the quintessence of life and of its events, never these themselves.” ― Oliver Sacks, Musicophilia: Tales of Music and the Brain

So many Christmas songs have an ability to move me in ways that other types of music lack.  Maybe that is just because they are played annually and often during the season.  Maybe it is just that the holiday season is full of activity, and that gives these songs special meaning.  There are a handful of songs that make me think of the smell of the Santa bag we had at our house one year.  Another group transports me to my grandparents’ house on a December evening, the tree glowing intensely red.

I’ve made a “Top 15” list here, which was pretty hard.  There are so many I love.  A week from now, this list could be a completely different one too.  At the time of writing this, these are my favorite Christmas songs.

15. Darius Rucker — Hark! the Herald Angels Sing

1739, Darius Rucker recording 2014

This is one of my favorite carols by anyone, and Darius Rucker does a beautiful job.  Few songs give me as many Christmasy feelings as this one.

14. Ivy Winters — Elfy Winters Night

2016

This is a brand new song for 2016, and I’m very into it.  It’s a fun modern swing sort of thing.  It’s the kind of song that makes me think of a speakeasy, but in a theatrical sense… the type of song performed in a movie scene in a 1920s or 1930s bar.

13. Thurl Ravenscroft (uncredited) — You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

1966

This is one I try to resist loving, but it is just so tied to my Christmas experience that I can’t not love it.  It’s been recorded by other artists, but the original from the 1966 special is really the best.  Incidentally, the voice actor who sang the song, Thurl Ravenscroft, was not credited for the song, but he’s most well-known as the voice of Tony the Tiger.  He did so many other recognizable things as well, and his voice is just so perfect for this song.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=ZgP0aUKlmNw

12. Pentatonix — Mary, Did You Know?

1991, Pentatonix recording 2014

Pentatonix is sometimes criticized, including by me, for being too plastic.  There is such a thing as too polished, and they often go a step too far for me.  But what they absolutely do right in this song is give it the power it deserves.  A friend pointed out that this song is about a revelation that should be delivered with a certain vehemence, something most singers fail to deliver.  This version really builds beautifully and the lands softly.  It’s really a journey, and I enjoy being taken on it.

11. Gayla Peevey – I Want A Hippopotamus for Christmas

1953

This song is so ridiculous and cute, and for me is less obnoxious than the other Christmas songs by and for kids.  It makes this list because it makes me smile every time I hear it.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=2Dec9Jb_Ac4

10. Bing Crosby — Little Drummer Boy

1941, Bing Crosby recording 1962

Little Drummer Boy was my grandpa’s favorite Christmas song.  It makes me think of his house as it was in the 1980s at Christmas, music coming from the stereo cabinet in the living room and the tree intensely lit in red lights.  It makes me think of red three-wick candles, large ceramic Mr. & Mrs. Santa figures, and boxes of wrapping paper at the ready.  It conjures up the smell of brown and serve rolls, the taste of Aunt Chick’s cookies, and the energy of a house well lived in.  It is Christmas for me.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=H6Bv6sX370E

9. Megan Mullally — Silent Night

1818, Megan Mullally recording 2001

I love Megan Mullally’s voice.  She does a fantastic version of Silent Night here, and seems so unique to her own style in parts.  Silent Night is one of the songs I like by most artists, but I sometimes feel like the style doesn’t match the themes of the song.  This one does a pretty good job with that.  This was included on an album of NBC stars, and at that time Will & Grace was enjoying its greatest success.  Megan Mullally went on to release several albums, all amazing and worth looking into.

8. Burl Ives — Holly Jolly Christmas

1962, this Burl Ives recording 1965

What is Christmas without Burl Ives?  Sad, that’s what.  I really appreciate that Ives recorded this for his Christmas album the year after it appeared on the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Soundtrack.  That version had been so rushed and I like this slightly slowed one much more.  This song, and really any song from Rudolph, makes me feel like a kid in all the right ways.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=DtVxFi9C0RA

7. Scott Matthew — Silent Nights

2008

This original song is sweet, sad, wistful… it’s one of the feelings I can identify with, especially during Christmas.  It’s beautiful, and Scott Matthew is the absolute master at making me feel sad and then making feel okay about feeling sad.  His songs are usually wrapped in melancholy, but I’m always glad they are.

6. Carpenters — Merry Christmas Darling

1970

All the Christmas feelings.  This one is similar to Silent Nights, but far more hopeful.  You feel mildly sad that these two won’t be together for Christmas, but are left with little doubt that they will eventually reunite.

5. Mariah Carey – All I Want For Christmas Is You

1994

I got this album when it came out, and I have yet to get enough of this one.  It is just as perfect as it ever was. It’s so full of the joy that makes Christmas wonderful, and truly a timeless classic.

<iframe width=”560″ height=”315″ src=”https://www.youtube.com/embed/yXQViqx6GMY” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>

4. Ella Fitzgerald – Sleigh Ride

1948, Ella Fitzgerald recording 1960

Ella.  Need I say more?

3. Dolly Parton — Hard Candy Christmas

1978, Dolly Parton & Movie recording 1982

This might be surprisingly high on my list… maybe?  It wasn’t conceived as a Christmas song, but I’m happy to listen to it over and over during December.  This song makes me want to drink cocoa and warm up under a blanket with a good book.

Dolly Parton’s Solo Studio Version

Film Version featuring Dolly Parton & the Cast of The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas

2. Wham! — Last Christmas

1984

This one is polarizing.  I’ve seen it on as many lists of worst Christmas songs as best Christmas songs.  For me it is almost at the top of my favorites. I suppose if you have an aversion to 1980s pop music, you might not care for this, but I love 80s pop.  I especially love anything from George Michael, and I’m happy to hear this in every store during the holidays.

1. Trans-Siberian Orchestra — Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)

1914 (Carol of the Bells), traditional (God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen)m Trans-Siberian Orchestra recording 1996

Carol of the Bells is probably my favorite Christmas carol, and Trans-Siberian Orchestra really takes it to another level here. This song is a great storytelling.  It’s very moving.

Honorable Mentions

Here are some other songs I love, but they just didn’t quite get on my list.  It’s pretty hard to narrow down to 15; I could probably do a list of 100, and I’d still have to leave things off that I love.

Dean Martin — Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow! 

Bing Crosby & Ella Fitzgerald — It’s A Marshmallow World 

Carnie Wilson & Wendy Wilson — Hey Santa

Trans-Siberian Orchestra — A Mad Russian’s Christmas

Burl Ives — Silver and Gold

Scott Matthew — Blue Christmas

Alaska, Courtney Act & Willam — Dear Santa, Bring Me A Man, 2014

Weather Girls’ — Dear Santa, Bring Me A Man, 1983

Ingrid Lucia — ‘Zat You, Santa Claus?

BC Clark Anniversary Sale Jingle

Megan Mullally sings BC Clark Anniversary Sale Jingle

The Waitresses — Christmas Wrapping

Bing Crosby & David Bowie — Peace on Earth / Little Drummer Boy

Detox — This Is How We Jew It