Failure was always an option! I don’t know where the month went. I was waiting so much of the month, for something new to happen or to emerge from somewhere. And here, locked in to quiet of my room, nothing much happened at all. I feel a great sense of loss for the month that never began. I never quite seemed to find the right way to approach the days, and so many of them I spent sleeping… long indulgent sleeps. Were they brought on my depression, loneliness, laziness, seemingly chronic infections? I can’t rule any one of those things out I suppose. It’s everything. The weight of endings.

I think I’ve started to let go of the expectations I had of myself, but in doing so I find that the future is scary when it doesn’t come with those expectations. What do you mean by “I can do anything I want…”? Can I, though. What is all of this?

I’ve spent a few weeks now going through Mom’s 1968 diary, researching the references as I go, to try and understand Mom at 14. And that’s a bizarre thing to expect; I don’t understand myself at 14. How can I possibly understand her. Maybe I should pull out my own 14 year old writings, compare them to hers. It is only logical that the things going through my own mind would be similar to what might be going through hers. People are fundamentally the same over time. What terrible things would I discover about her? About myself? Maybe nothing. Maybe I’ll find nothing more than the innocent musings of childhood by two people who are not yet fully realized.

It’s so odd and arbitrary how we demarcate our lives with calendar months, but it still feels like a dawn is coming and the new month washes us clean of the old. It’s all just random nonsense, but I feel it so deeply. I hope this next period is fruitful. I love feeling alive, productive, busy. The routines I once cherished have unravelled, but I could start again; start to weave them back together until I find something new to gird my days.

To May, and to hopeful tomorrows.

30 April 2026  10:30 p.m.  57ºF/14ºC (cloudy)

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Justin’s Eye

Today is on Justin’s walking schedule, so I waited for him to get up and go to the park.  When he got up, his eye was swollen nearly shut.  He went to urgent care and they prescribed antibiotics, but also told him to take allergy medication and use ointment until it all clears up.  I assumed he was off the hook for exercise; there’s no need to push it if you have an infection, but after he got back I announced I was going for a walk and he came with me.  He got in a little over a quarter of a mile, but considering one of his eyes is puffed up and he can’t see out of it, I would say that’s actually impressive.  It tells me he is willing to put in some work.  Things change!

The day was a little too warm.  I said I was shooting for 2 miles, but after about 1.5, I started heading back.  It was too hot, the park was filling with kids, and I was starting to need to use the restroom.  I felt great, and I still do, but I decided to just go home and be done with it!  If I feel up to it this evening, I might go out for more.   We’ll see.  I really want to be doing 3 miles a day starting on the 1st, so I really should keep it up.  Twice a day feels very manageable.  There and back, four times around the park, plus just a little extra is 1.5 miles.  That sounds easy.  11 times around plus a little extra sounds daunting.

Photo of the Day (sticks found at 11th & Washington, Guthrie, OK)

On the 24th, I picked up a magnolia seed pod and carried it home.  It sort of triggered me to start picking up things and bringing them home on my walks.  I don’t know if that is permanent, but it is fun.  Today I found confetti.  I might actually try to pick more of that up; we don’t need that much plastic in the soil, but it is hard to get a hold of.  Even if it is larger pieces.  I had decided to grab the strap in my walking photo during my walk yesterday, but forgot it.  It still counts!

I’ve been thinking about the way I organize my journaling.  The Wandering Hermit was on a separate site, so it has always been a separate entity, as are my book notes.  I think I’d like to create a new journaling template for 2026, something that has spaces for all the different things as well as my sort of daily to do list.  I can clip from it, but it would consolidate my days into a single post in DayOne, which I think I might quite like.  It also might make my website cleaner if I’m posting once a day (except for reviews and whatnot).  I’ll work on that.

[Walk #337, 1.63 miles]

I’ve been doing a lot of both lately. I’m currently working on a number of stories. I hope they work towards something great. Thoughts and suggestions greatly appreciated. Ask me for more details. I’ve also located my journal from my trip to France in 1996. I’m almost finished typing up the original and will add to the France page as I get to the notes.

Currently, I’m reading:

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You :: Peter Cameron
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban :: J.K. Rowling

Books I’ve got lined up to read soon:

Vast Fields of Ordinary :: Nick Burd
Glinda of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate :: Jacqueline Kelly
Bambi :: Felix Salten
The Dark is Rising :: Susan Cooper

Books I’ve read this year so far:

The Giraffe :: Marie Nimier
David Inside Out :: Lee Bantle
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets :: J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone :: J.K. Rowling
Snugglepot and Cuddlepie :: May Gibbs
The Magic of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Tin Woodman of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Lost Princess of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Rinkitink in Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Scarecrown of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Sky Island :: L. Frank Baum
Tik-Tok of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Patchwork Girl of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Dot and Tot in Merryland :: L. Frank Baum
The Emerald City of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Enchanted Apples of Oz :: Eric Shanower
The Speckled Rose of Oz :: Donald Abbott
The Sea Fairies :: L. Frank Baum
Finding the Boyfriend Within :: Brad Gooch
The Magical Monarch of Mo :: L. Frank Baum
The Road to Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Dorothy and the Wizard in Oz :: L. Frank Baum
Ozma of Oz :: L. Frank Baum
The Marvelous Land of Oz :: L. Frank Baum

 

27 May 2009

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