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Random Thoughts To People I Know:

•I do usually know, Lori. Maybe I can put in a camera!
•Break a leg, Meg. Or at least have a good time.
•Jessica Cassesa! Where have you been?!? We need to shop!
•It was strange and nice to catch up, Robby.
•Travis? Do I know someone named Travis?
•Jess, things are not looking good. See me for details.
•I miss you, Christine.
•Meghan… the hair… wtf?
•Good luck with the living situation, Nick & Sarah.
•Justin, I am very sleepy and I want to watch TV.
•I don’t really want to mess with Christmas, Brent & Laurisa.
•When will I see you again, Ren?
•I love that you work at my store now, Shauna.
•I might be secretely stalking you, Meghan. One can never be sure.
•Christine! You must want your DVD back. I’m a horrible person!!!
•Lori, I want to make some stuff… really.
•Jill, I went to get that movie for you, but it was way expensive!!!
•Jerr…?
•Oh, Shauna, sorry I didn’t say Good Morning the other day. It hurt to.
•Can’t wait to work with you on Tuesday, Meghan!
•Justin, I am mad at you!!! No reason.
•Brad, are you ever actually online?
•You make me smile, John (venusunfolding).
•Can I borrow that one movie, Jilly???
•Brandy, I will let you borrow the kd lang CD. You didn’t get it just for being a lesbian like you wanted.
•JD. Just JD.
•I can’t wait to see you again, Troy. It has been too long.
•I love you, Jobeth.
•Travis who?Continue Reading

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Life Has Been Boring!!!
I haven’t really done much lately, with the exception of sleeping! Justin has been coming over more often, which has been nice. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend any time alone. It hasn’t been that bad though. But I have had a lot going on. Nothing exciting, but a lot. I would love to hear from Travis, but I haven’t in quite some time.

How Does My Garden Grow?
It doesn’t. At all. I miss that about having a house. Mowing is the part I don’t miss, but I can only get them together. Oh well. I would love to grow some veggies. I don’t really care about flower gardening, but growing food would be pretty cool.

Christmas:
Even though I don’t care much for Christmas this year, I have decided to go ahead and decorate. I don’t know what, but something fun and exciting! I want it to be uber-kitschy, but I am not sure what I want. Any ideas would be appreciated.Continue Reading

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Lori:

I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.

Weird:

Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.

Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.

I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.

Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.

Being Alone:

I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.

Hurt:

My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?

Justin Things:

I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.

I LOVE YOU

You see me as I wish I were.

You hear what I really mean,

And not only what I say;

You always know how I feel.

You help me be a better person.

Bradley Tyler

It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.

Prayers:

Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.

Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.Continue Reading

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Book(s):
I got and plan on starting Closet Case by Robert Rodi. I am interested in all of his books, but that one really sounded like the best. I really need to read more, but I need to get new glasses. I can barely see. It makes it frustrating to try and read anything.

Friends:
I love friends. Justin came over and watched Clash Of The Titans with me the other day. I think I am officially over that movie. Once upon a time I loved it, but I guess I have moved on with my life. Anyway, we later went to Wal-Mart, where we both had to pick up copies of The Day After Tomorrow, which we thought got a bad rap just because the wolves looked ridiculously fake. It was good for what it was and that is all it should be judged on. It was great formula disaster, better than made for TV, but certainly not the best of its kind. I dropped him off at his house and he went in to get my DVDs I had loaned him and Patrick. When he returned, he had a snapdragon in a starter pot, which he offered me. It was weird and a little funny. I took it and when I returned home I planned on giving it to Lori. As I walked by her house, her living room light went out so I quickly ran up and knocked on the door… no answer. So I unlocked the door and sat the plant in an obvious place and left. I am tired of giving people gifts. They appreciate them, but I don’t necessarily want them to. I am turning into my dad, giving things away all the time. It is exhausting when you are at any store and everything reminds you of someone you know. I should just not buy!!!

Shauna (ex roommate), Nathan (her kid), and Bryce (her brother) came into the store on Friday. It was nice to see them. It had been a very long time. I really miss James (Shauna’s husband) though. I really connected well with him when I lived with them, but haven’t seen him in a long time and I miss him. He is very much a homebody, not even wanting to venture beyond his house for long, so it is hard to see him without going over there. I should just go.

Haven’t seen Jess in a while, but I am sure work is keeping her busy lately.

Birthdays:
KC had her 1st birthday Friday. Meghan shared the day as her 21st. Franz, my cat, shared the same day as his 3rd. Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. I will be in Stillwater later today to celebrate. Brent and Laurisa (my brother and sister-in-law) will be in town too. I hardly ever see them now that they live an hour in the other direction of my parents. I also haven’t seen Jason since he was born. It will be a fun day. I hope if I take a movie my mom and I will be able to watch it in peace at some point. No more birthdays until November after this one.

Health:
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I am one of those dentist fearing people. I don’t really understand it, but I just don’t really like going. I have an abscess so I hope that I will have a tooth removed. It really needs to go. I hate that such a small thing can impact my overall sense of well being. It makes me feel sick all over!!!

Observation I made at work: Our inability to keep paper from cutting our skin is the dumbest thing ever. God seriously needs to rethink that whole thing. I was ringing someone up and the cover on the book he was buying sliced very easily into my finger… ouch!!!

Work:
Things seem to be getting much better. It is great to have employees who support me. I am impressed with everyone in my department at the moment and it really feels great. They are the best!!! I again enjoy my job and I am grateful for that.

Audacity: We have a man who keeps coming in the store and harassing a certain person in my department. He started out as a shoplifter, but has recently started only coming in to just show that we as a store do not scare him. Although he does not have the opportunity to steal, he does have an opportunity to make people uncomfortable. It is to the point that I wish I didn’t have to schedule certain people alone, but can’t penalize them for the actions of one asshole. I am just venting as I can see no way to get rid of him. Our store is willing to call the police on him, but he flees before it ever gets to that. It is aggravating.Continue Reading

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The Ends Refuse To Meet!
I think it is official, boys and girls. Brian is going to need a second job. I have really tried to make it without over the past year, putting things off, taking out loans, paying what I could. But in the end, it just seems that I really need more money. Mind you, I don’t like thinking about money as much as this, but I really have no choice.

After refiguring my budget, I discovered that my bills are higher than my current salary, which sucks. I will collect applications this weekend from retail stores near my store and hopefully can make it work somehow. I hate it, but what can you do. I think it will be okay, but I really want to hold on to everything. I have resisted for so long, but now I must grow up.

I would also love to have a roommate again, but that will not happen. My trusty “need-a-place-to-live” friends both have boyfriends now and are living with them. I am happy for them, but I didn’t do a good job of becoming independant before that happened. Blah.

I know there is not way of getting rich quick, but I welcome any ideas on making extra cash in addition to the second job. I don’t want to lose my house over my own stupidity, nor do I want to leave my current job. However, if an opportunity arises and I need to choose between my home and a job I like, I will be forced to leave the company I love. I wish there was an easy answer. Update (Sunday, Sept 26): I applied at Walgreens. I picked up applications for Petco, Ross, Deals, & Joann. Michaels was chaotic and out of apps. I might try Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Old Navy, Petsmart, Kohl’s, Wal-Mart, or a mall store tomorrow. If anyone has information on any of these places, let me know. Thanks.

Friends:
I e-mailed Cindy, Jerry’s sister, yesterday. It was nice to hear from her after so long. She is such a fun person. I hope to get in touch with Jerry again soon. I haven’t heard from him since January and we weren’t in a good place then. I hate all of that and want to just talk again. He really is important to me.

Jessica and I updated her site last night. It was fun and it turned out pretty well. I don’t like writing in CSS as well as I liked HTML, but I think the result makes it worth it to do so. Her page looks nice now. Plus, changes should be pretty easy for her to make.

Justin and I need to discuss the fact that he never calls unless he needs me to check the mail for him. I know he is busy, but c’mon.Continue Reading

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Friends:
I got this amazing card from a friend early early early this morning when I finally got home from work (2:30 a.m.). Essentially, the card stated that I have things together in my life while that isn’t true of everyone. I think I see the perspective intended, but I don’t totally agree. I think that different things are important to different people. For me, money is not important. Yes, I do need it to pay the bills, but I don’t let it run my life. That isn’t to say I have any. Owning a home was also a priority of mine. Having purchased a home and not worrying about money when I don’t have to, my life seems to be fine. Again, just because I don’t complain about money doesn’t mean I have any. And although I can take care of my two cats without thought, I can’t keep a plant alive to save my life.

Other things have more value to friends than they do to me. As money is a concern, sometimes going back to school is a priority. Or getting a promotion. It isn’t that my life is any more in order. It is just different. I still am a mess. I can’t keep my house clean, bills paid on time, and I have never had a boyfriend. Those things get me down from time to time. But I can look to this friend or that one and find them executing those things with ease and it gives me hope that I can someday do the same.

I really loved the letter because it is good to hear what others think of you when you feel like a royal fuck-up most of the time. I hope all the people in my life realize how much I care about them. At the risk of being sappy and a little silly, I think I should tell some of the people in my life what I admire about them.

Justin: You have overcome so much and are such an interesting person. I really love how close you are to your sister, at times willing to drop everything to help her out with the kids. I am so happy that you have found someone, even if it reminds me that I haven’t. It gives me hope that I can someday. I admire your job and the hard work involved.

Travis: Thank you for being my friend for so long and through so many personal traumas. It has really helped. I wish I had your drive in school. Maybe then I would have done something more than retail. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but teaching may be a bit more rewarding. It drives me up the wall most of the time, but I actually admire the way you budget and save your money. I really just appreciate you on so many levels.

Lori: Girl, you really are my “Grace.” I love how you are determined to move up in the world. I admire the honesty you have with yourself concerning money, health, and love. I love that you lower standards for nobody and you are steadfast in your beliefs and morals. You are such a dedicated worker that I feel like I am doing so little by comparison. I love that you are so full of empathy and that you will sit and listen when I need that.

Jessica: …don’t be upset for this… I am so profoundly amazed at how courageous you are in spite of a complete lack of parental involvement in your adult life. It is wonderful that you are sure enough of yourself to go on, complaining only mildly. I love your sense of humor and sense of fun. You are such a neat person to be around.

JD: You really have it together. Really. You have my taste, Travis’ budgeting ability, and a child on top of it. You might be the happiest person I have ever met and my life has been so full because of you. I admire your absolute devotion to Kendra, your humor, your compassion. You are the person I wish I could be with sometimes.

Jerry: who will never read this… I really miss you. I don’t know where you are, since your boyfriend won’t let you talk to me, but I do miss you. You were my first gay friend and got me through coming out to my parents. I really admire that you never take shit from anyone.

Everyone else: There are things about everyone I love. That is why you are my friends. That includes xanga friends, John, Jim, Robby, & the rest. It includes work friends, Christine, Meghan, Jill, Brandy, Ray, & the rest. Love to all!!!

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Justin:
Happy Birthday, Justin!

Justin is such a wonderful friend. I met him a little over 6 years ago, when I was 18 and he was only 16!!! We briefly attempted dating, but realized we were destined to be good friends. We have helped each other grow through different stages in our lives, sometimes involving hospitalization, emergency room care, and of course funerals. Justin has always been there for me to talk to, to hangout with, and to torment a little. He has gotten so much better lately and I am very proud of him. Determination to be “normal” has started to pay off. The schizophrenia is starting to go away. At least for the moment. And now, Justin has Patrick, a loving person he can spend his time with. As Justin’s boyfriend, Patrick can also give him things his friends cannot. There is something empowering about your boyfriend encouraging your dreams that friends can’t quite match. I am very grateful for Patrick.

I hope Justin has a great day and I hope he feels special. He is special, and I hope that he is always a part of my life. He is, as I have told him, like a brother to me.Continue Reading