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I WANT MY LIFE BACK

I stopped being myself in 2013. When I was talked into moving back to Oklahoma by Mom & Dad, I didn’t know I would do so at the cost of myself, but as I settled in to my new life in Stillwater & Glencoe, I disconnected from the activities and the people I love. I didn’t even realize I was doing that. This was caused a series of choices I made, and a series of inactions on my part. There was plenty of opportunity to find a path in Stillwater, at least at the start, but I was hung up on resentment and frustration. I found it so difficult to accept where I was. I did blame my parents for a while, but they didn’t force me to move. The didn’t fly up to Alaska and stuff me in a plane. They convinced me over time, and ultimately I chose to return. Partly, it was to help Mom & Dad, who had both been dealing with increasingly difficult medical situations, but also I wanted to be back to spend time with my niblings before they got too old. I dreaded being the uncle who they had no connection with because I was so far away, only to see them rarely in adulthood. I wanted to be there for their childhoods.

In the Summer of 2013, freshly moved back, I had my own apartment with Molly & Franz. It was upstairs from Brad, Conner & Jason, which was nice. Mom & Dad needed limited help, mostly with chores around the property and going with them to appointment and sometimes grocery shopping. Honestly, at first I felt duped. They didn’t need much from me, and that allowed me to start a business making a selling artwork, as well as art & craft supplies. And that was going pretty well. It wasn’t initially very profitable, but it was nice to have something to do that was creative and belonged to me. That lasted from June to August when things were disrupted slightly.

Justin, my good friend from Tulsa, called out of the blue one day in August. He knew I was back in Oklahoma, but we hadn’t seen one another yet. His sister had decided she needed the space in her house for her family, and Justin was in her way. She had offered to take him to a homeless shelter, and he needed a place to stay. Justin deals with some mental health issues and therefore cannot work, would be unable to find his own apartment, and isn’t even allowed to control his own money. Taking him somewhere like a shelter is just going to make his life infinitely more difficult. I do think it is fair that she wanted the space for her family. They lived in a modestly sized house with a family of seven people. It was crowded. However, it will never not baffle me that she wanted to take Justin to a shelter rather than help him find an apartment. She had been Justin’s representative payee while I was in Alaska, and I know she hated doing it. But there are people who do that as a job who could have taken over and helped. She did need to be involved in that transition. But she preferred the easiest way for her. Of course Justin could come stay with me. It wasn’t even really a question. He’s always been welcome.

Justin’s presence changed things in a couple of ways. First, I lost the separation between my home office and my bedroom. As much as I tried, it was such a small space that I never could maintain things as well as they had started and my new business struggled as a result. Secondly, Justin requires time and attention. He requires much more than most people, and at the time he had some other struggles that would cause him to absolutely demand attention, waking me up in the middle of the night to reassure him, or calling me to praise him. I’ve never been particularly bothered by these aspects of Justin’s personality, but it can be draining to deal with. My life became about him and my parents quickly, and I was okay with that. I didn’t even really notice I was doing it, but I was giving myself away in small bits.

INTO THE FIRE

My parents built their house in 2015, and I moved to the mobile home where they had been living. That was really nice. There was a bedroom on either end, so it was perfect to share with Justin. And it was spacious. I liked the mobile home, but there had been plans to build a home office. That never happened, and over time talks of that faded as my parents’ needs increased. Meanwhile, my house never got put together and the rooms started to fill up with my intentions and plans, boxes of products I would use in a better situation. My parents property was a twenty acre lot north of Stillwater on a gravel road. It was just far away enough to feel remote, but close enough to go to town frequently. And the property was perfect, completely surrounded by trees except for a natural clearing of about five acres where the mobile home sat and where the house was built. The mornings were frequented by birds, squirrels, deer, and armadillos. Other occasional visitors were rabbits, turkeys, bobcats, opossums, raccoons, coyotes, foxes, guinea fowl, bats, stray cats, stray dogs, the list goes on and on…. I loved that. But I had become so married to my own resentment that the years would go on and I would not.Continue Reading

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Waiting

I spent all day waiting for the guy to arrive to fix the dishwasher.  He never showed up, but he did call a little after 6 p.m. to say he was an hour and a half away.  I asked him to reschedule me for tomorrow.  I hadn’t gone for a walk all day because I was expecting him any moment, but I did do some jogging in place cardio at home.  It is just not the same.  I’ve been doing that sort of thing all summer, and I have not seen the results that a daily walk can give.  I think it’s just too easy to be lazy and only do just enough.  With a walk, it is so much more often that you reach the exercise goal, but still need to get back home, so you get the extra in naturally.

At home, the notification goes off and I immediately stop.  I could up my goal, but I’ve struggled to even reach it recently.  Walking is just better.  Joining a gym might work as well.  While it would give me the option of just stopping at my goal, having to drive to the location might give me the motivation to do a higher goal that isn’t specifically in my watch, maybe an hour.  I haven’t decided.  The cheapest gym in town is $40 per month, at least that I have found.  Stillwater had multiple $10-15 options, so it seems like a big ask to spend so much.

I asked for a call tomorrow when they are on the way to my house, so I shouldn’t have the same excuse.  I can go on my walk and just be on notice to return to the house when they are on the way.

[no walk]

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It’s finally out.  And I can finally get some sleep!  Here are the links to my book on Amazon.  I think it looks so much better in paperback, but there is a Kindle version available.

Amazon Paperback

Amazon Kindle

If you don’t already know what’s up, here’s a little backstory.  I’ve been writing since I was a child.  My first poem that I remember was written in October 1988 when I was 9 years old.  When I was 12, my teacher accused me of plagiarism because she didn’t think a child could write.  I don’t say that to congratulate myself at all.  I’m not even sure if that was worth all the aggravation.  It has been lost to time.  It was titled Paige and it was about the life of a woman who never finds happiness.  But I imagine the actual poem would seem completely juvenile now.

I started writing in earnest in college and since 1997 I have written consistently.  While I veer off into other projects, like short stories or novels, I find poetry that I always return to poetry and enjoy writing it.  Over the years, I’ve developed my own style.  That is a good thing.  The problem is that I also haven’t had serious critique of my work since I graduated from college, so I don’t actually know how my work is seen by others.  I’m amazed that I’ve managed to spend the better part of 20 years unwilling to share my work for fear of rejection.  And I really should have managed that sooner!

When I lost Mom last year, the first thing I did was crawled into a metaphorical hole for 9 months.  I wanted to disappear because I didn’t understand how one can live without his mama, and I’m not too proud to say it.  It also brought a few things into focus.  One of those things was letting go of the expectations and opinions of others.  Now, I mean of me as a person, not my work.  That is a lesson that has been taught to me my entire life, but sometimes things need to cook for a while.

So, now I’ve got a book.  I worked diligently over the summer to get it done.  My garden is sad and neglected, my roommate is sad and neglected, and my family… well, they are too busy to have noticed, but if they had I imagine they would feel sad and neglected.  For this first collection of poems (because I don’t want it to be the last!), I wanted to focus on a few things: 1. Poems with very specific references to people.  It’s not that I won’t write that way in the future, but I wanted to give people the words I had written for them before getting into other subjects.  2. Epitaphs.  I’ve lost a lot of people and I often have things to say about that.  I’d like to get through a lot of those I’ve had lying around, but there are many more.  3. My very favorite poems I’ve written… that aren’t too scandalous.  I get it, family will buy this first book. They will even hang on for a second, but by the third they won’t be too fussed about it.  So, I have actually created a plan where my third book is where I completely let my hair down.  That does mean I have to do at least 2 more books, but it also sounds like I’m censoring myself.  In a way I am, but I’m not completely either.  I want my prudish great aunt to be able to have something she will never read, but that won’t make her blush too much if she decides to open it up.

Last thing I will say about it, I decided to make notes on each poem.  Rather than include them in the actual printed book, they can be found here… in the writing tab, or at this link.Continue Reading

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1. Why can I not stay on task and finish sorting through my stuff / cleaning my house? Probably because I am a little stressed out at the moment. I like having a clean home to relax in, but sometimes I just want to relax without having to worry about cleaning. So it has been lately. I just would rather wait.

2. What made me stop looking for a new full-time position (for now)? I genuinely like where I work. I don’t mind the quirks anymore. Oh, I assure you that I did when I started a year and a half ago. But I no longer am concerned about such things. I also have started to calm down, as I really needed to. Work is work. It will be difficult at times. What I really need is a way to escape. Heather has her books. David has his crafts. Nothing seems to fit. Sure writing is great, but the great problem is that writing is work. It takes a lot of time and energy. I love it and it doesn’t stress me out in the least, but it doesn’t exactly allow me to properly unwind. I need something more mindless for that. Since I started at Michaels, maybe I will try crafting again. There are so many things I can do.

3. What seems to be the job related issue? Even though I am not currently seeking a new line of work, I do believe there is a fundamental problem with me and retail now. And this is very recent. I have discovered office work. I feel like I have somewhat outgrown field retail as a career and should be working in a corporate office at this point. I love providing customer service and working with customers, but retail — almost all retail — involves tons of busy work and very little compensation for it. It was a very satisfying way to spend the last 8.5 years of life, but I may need to try something else for a little while. But not just yet. I want to give myself some time to enjoy retail again. No major career changes for at least another year.

4. Why do I make these lists? I make them to continue to write. If I make a list of something specific, I can usually force myself to write something. A list gives me a subject when none had come to mind. They spark creativity.

5. What is new with Brian? I am currently working on securing members for my new community site. I haven’t really decided what the theme is — and that will determine a lot. If you have any suggestions, please let me know. The idea started as a community of artists, but now it might be of “booksellers” or “opinionated people” or “people who have lived in Alaska” or “people whose last names only contain 5 letters.” It is still really open. Start the ideas flowing!!!

Hugs to all.Continue Reading

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Sleep:
I fully intended to watch Friends last night, but as I have been unable to sleep at all for a couple of days my body decided to sleep instead… dang it!!! I wanted to see it so bad. I don’t know why I have sleep problems, but I imagine it was stress.

Life:
I have been giving thought to moving back to Stillwater, but I really do like it here in Tulsa. I can’t stand the thought of leaving my friends or job, but I am so sick for the life I used to have that I somehow think going back home would help. Maybe I will, but probably not.

Work:
My review wasn’t yesterday, which means it IS today — egad. I am not that worried about it. My manager is a nice guy. We get along well, so it will be fine. I just hate meeting like that though…

Update:
My review wasn’t today, as planned. My manager said he’ll come in tomorrow (his day off) to do it… Whew… avoided it for another day!! Meanwhile, it has turned cold — I love it!!!! My uncle came to visit me at work. He is so great. It’s been a wonderful day!!Continue Reading

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Life:
I am finding that I am not as strong as I always thought I was. My entire world has been crushed and I am now in the process of rebuiling it. I am forcing myself to redefine some things in my life — who I am, what I am doing in this life, and what exactly it is I want to do. It is all difficult and I will later elaborate. Life, for the first time in a long time, is quite intimidating.

Family:
My brother married his girlfriend this summer —  I am not sure what to make of it, but I’m going to judge.  They are young though & I think it has caused some additional confusion in Mom’s head.  She is having to deal with what feels like the meltdown of her family.  I feel sad for her… I can’t relate to what she is going through.Continue Reading