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Two things have been bugging me for the past few days. First, Lori. Yes, I know — this drama is tired and I need to stop dwelling on it. In an effort to make clear what I feel, I have posted the lyrics to both of my “Lori songs” (both by Scissor Sisters). The first, Mary, is the way I felt when Lori was still around. It was the relationship we had. I miss that time. The second, Almost Sorry, is the way I feel about Lori now. It is darker and cynical and fairly accurate about the anger I have built up.

The other thing bugging me is the death of the real Mary (from the song). Having never known the woman, hearing that she died was very sad to me.Continue Reading

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My Legs Strike Again:
Saturday, while I was working, I began having pain in my legs. It eventually got to the point that I couldn’t really walk and I was forced to sit for a couple of hours at my desk doing work that, while needed to be done, was not as much fun as working on the floor on a Saturday afternoon. It was a little better for the last 15 minutes of my shift when I returned to the floor. Having taken pain reliever (which I never do), I was tired and went home to sleep off whatever the problem was.

Jess called and woke me up after a while and we went searching for Heather & Jake. We didn’t find them and ended up at The Raven, a neighborhood gay bar, unfortunately known for drugs. I was in the mood for a bit of filth. I actually enjoyed myself, as it was quiet and practically empty. We talked and left messages on Heather’s machine.

Finally, we ended up at Heather’s, where we ordered pizza and watched Wayne’s World 2 (of all things). It was a great time and a lot of skin was exposed! Jess’ underwear was exposed — and bills were inserted into the sides. Jake bore his chest and pressed it against the window to the porch in a random moment of exhibitionism. It was fun and made me very happy to be here in Alaska with people I enjoy.

Sunday morning, I woke up in pain. My legs had not only gotten worse, but my entire body was sore. It was weird, like a burning sensation just under the skin, but not muscle. I called out and slept all day. I didn’t feel like standing up until 6:00 a.m. Monday morning. By that time, the pain was gone. Nearly as quickly as it had started, it was gone.

Del Marquis:
I was thrilled to discover music by Del on his MySpace account. He is awesome and it was great to hear his music independantly of Scissor Sisters. Don’t get me wrong, SS still makes me tear up, but it was nice to hear the difference.

Pier 1:
I know it will get better, but I am still plagued with longing for David. It is just something to get over, I guess. I wish him well and I know that this was not about me. I am such a fantastic person that anyone would be lucky to have me.Continue Reading

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I revealed something to a friend… a crush. I am terrified of what will happen next (good or bad). I just needed to get it off my heart and let him know because it was consuming me, keeping me up at night. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in months and I can’t stop thinking about him. It felt like the right thing to do. Unfortunately, he was unavailable, so I left a message, telling him everything that I needed him to know. If I had waited, I would have lost my nerve.

I don’t really know what to think right now. I guess it was the best way to deal with it, but I still have this fear of people thinking about me when I am not around. I want people to love me, but I don’t really want them giving much thought to me when I am not with them… which is probably why gifts make me uncomfortable. The idea that the person was considering me is unsettling. (Is this just another step on the road to needing therapy?)

I can’t wait for my vacation. I leave in a week and I am nowhere near ready. I look forward to spending time with my family and have made some definite plans with friends to go dancing. I think the trip will be very emotional from start to finish. We’ll see.

A huge thank you to Heather (& Jake). I have spent ever so much time at their home using the internet. It is very kind of them to be so patient with me.Continue Reading

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My father called a number of times yesterday. Today has been a very bittersweet mixed emotion kind of day. Good news should always come first: the condo is gone. Finally. For those who know that I have been trying to sell it for nearly a full year, will know that this comes as a great relief! The check was cut and now plane tickets can finally be purchased so I can go home for a couple of weeks. It was a great relief in theory, but I was not filled with any emotion after hearing that it was finalized. Really… nothing.

Child Services was called to my brother’s house. My brother was in the middle of installing a new toilet and the house had been left chaotic in the wake of my sister-in-law’s latest fit. It was decided, based entirely on the fact that the house was messy (not dirty or dangerous), that the kids should not live in that house. My parents were the obvious choice, having raised the two since they were born. However, the agent assigned to the case, accused my parents of having lied about the living situation several months ago. My brother and family were living with my parents, but when visited by Child Services, the house was very clean and it was assumed that there couldn’t be 6 people living in the house. Not that my parents were even interviewed or asked about anything at all. Now, this is where the problem exists. My parents, who act as both of the kids’ parents, were told they were not as fit to take care of them as the other grandmother, who has seen the kids 3 or 4 times this year.

Letter writing is in order.

Being in the system is really hard. The kids will be followed until they are 18, based entirely on a nosey neighbor and a messy house. It hurts me to know that my parents have something else to deal with. The last thing they need is more stress.

I wanted to vent about all of this to Heather, but we were ambushed by someone else. She has her own problems, and one drink too many. The evening became about her completely. I am exhausted by it. And somehow, I will miss her when she moves.Continue Reading

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Happy Birthday Heather! I am sitting here at the end of the party at Heather’s. I begrudgingly was convinced to engage in a game of Apples To Apples, which wasn’t as bad as I wanted it to be. Okay, fine, it was fun.

Everyone who came was in good spirits, which was nice. Somehow, I expected some of the drama lovers to attend, but they didn’t. Yay.

Even bigger news… I have a phone now! FINALLY. It has been several months since I last had a phone. I opted for a cell, since it doesn’t require that I be at home all the time. I am very happy with that decision.

Finances are on the way to normal. They aren’t there yet, but they definitely are going that way.

I am considering a second job. Heather would like me to go for the other theater chain in town, but just to go to free movies. I think I would like to try for Pier 1 or some such place.Continue Reading

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Alas, my socks don’t match today. My belt is black; my shoes are brown. Even my left hand seems larger than my right. As I drove to work this morning, the colors seemed so intense and distant and nothing felt real. I am out of sorts. I am trapped in a little bubble and everything is a little distorted as I look out at the world. I’m not sure why this is, but stress seems to be the safest bet.

I’ve recently discovered what the pain of homesickness feels like and I don’t really care for it. I was putting together my photo album, as I do when the sequence of events needs to be altered to represent who I am now, when I felt an ever increasing ache in my entire being. With no other warning, I began to cry. I have tested my limits and discovered my true breaking point. It seems that nine months is too long to be away from my loved ones. Rather like birth. Nine months was enough and I had to emerge and meet my family. Now I feel that again.

It isn’t just homesickness. Everything from home has been negative. Everything. A close friend of my mom is dying. Mom isn’t doing well with that. Stan isn’t doing well. And financially, everyone is suffering like never before. Individually, we are all used to being pennyless, but simultaneous draining of our monies has created quite a problem. I am already essentially homeless, but now my parents might end up that way as well. It is hard to deal with everything being so far away, but I just keep praying that everything will be okay.

I haven’t been a model human being lately. I have a good heart and I mean well, but that can only get you so far in this life. My lack of attention to what seem to be important things in life has really added to the hole I continue to dig for myself. My brain just won’t work correctly. I find that music is the only thing that can keep me focused, which is likely the reason I love it so much. I can actually think about something rather than thinking about everything.

This is all depressing and I am not really sad at all. I actually feel blessed to be here on this planet at this moment in time. It feels right. Life is interesting. I never thought my path would include excursions to far away places — and certainly not for the length of time that it has, but I am glad that it has. I am also fascinated that people I meet seem to fill holes in my life I didn’t even realize I had. It is as though I was meant to meet them… meant to know them. My destiny seems to be working itself into fruition. I guess everyone realizes what life means for them at a certain point in life. For me, that hasn’t really happened. yet, but the picture is becoming increasingly clear. Life isn’t fuzzy like is once was. Well, that isn’t exactly true. Maybe life is a little less fuzzy.

Incidentally, I have been slowly introducing Asian foods into my pantry. I am really enjoying curries & noodles & such. Plus, food at Asian markets is super cheap.Continue Reading

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I have been feverishly trying to define myself. I have actually been doing a lot of non-Brian activities lately. I have a need to figure out what religion I am most aligned with… I don’t know why I have this need to define myself. I am usually satisfied with my beliefs being what they are and not needing to lock them into a pre-defined set of… whatevers. But I somehow need to know. I have discovered that I rest somewhere happily between non-Baptist protostant Christianity, Hinduism, & Judaism. Somehow, that makes sense finding that out. But I don’t know what to do with that information either. I went on this quest mainly to answer the question when asked, but I am no closer to doing that. The honest answer is confusing to most.

Meanwhile, the condo is not sold… I have made plans to visit Oklahoma in October… Work is good… Heather has a birthday soon… I got my invite to Dorothy & Sean’s wedding… I have been unsettlingly homesick… I am still broke… my tattoo design is not yet completed… Ashley & I are going to the fair next weeked and then she is taking me out to a glacier the following week… and life goes on.

I will include some things I have written soon. I have been at it again, which really means I have been a bit depressed. No worries though; depression is the only means to my self expression. My creative self will now be allowed out for a breath.

I miss the weirdest things.

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