Last night I saw Milk, Gus Van Sant’s new movie about Harvey Milk. It was amazing and worth watching for anyone. Harvey Milk has always been one of my idols and this film painted his life so beautifully. Sean Penn portrays him so well that I often forgot that I was watching Sean Penn… that is a great thing.
Get out there and see this one. It is a moving tribute to a real hero.Continue Reading
I’ve been trying to find the words. Life has seemed so dreamlike, but simultaneously empty since Thanksgiving. I don’t mean to make this about me. Like so many things in life though, my narcissism will likely take over here.
Thanksgiving 2008 will be one of those days that sticks in my mind; it’s a day that shook things up. It may have changed everything, but it is far too soon to tell. During dinner, David proposed to Daniel. He brought the ring in on a piece of pumpkin pie, told Daniel that he was thankful for him and asked Daniel to marry him. I could barely control my emotions. Neither could anyone else. My entire body sighed with relief and excitement as Daniel said yes to David.
I have no way to express how beautiful that moment was and how happy it makes me feel; the words aren’t enough or are not quite there. It just filled me with great peace.
But this has meant much more to me than that. This year has been important for me. I spent my early twenties thinking I could take care of everyone else — should take care of everyone else. It brought me a great deal of happiness, but took so much of my energy that I never stopped to take care of myself. As soon as I got into a groove, I couldn’t remember how to take care of myself and have spent my late twenties content to be alone. I feel like I am just waiting for the next person who needs me to take care of them, resisting full on codependency only just. I forgot how to chase down dates and how to talk to men. I’m now paralyzed with fear, my instincts drained away with my youth.
I can’t sleep. This engagement has been a painful wake-up call of sorts. I want so much to find the love that I see between David & Daniel. I can’t help my jealousy, which I’m terrified to say I’ve often misinterpreted as longings for both of them. Coming together in this way made things clearer. This is right. Heaven opened up and touched these two lovely souls and built a mutual path for them to travel together. I want that. I deserve that. I need that.
I’ve never been interested in playing around, going through lines of guys trying to find one I can spend my life with and just sleeping with the rest. I want a friend — a soulmate. I believe it is out there for me and I am so anxious to find it.
I’m very happy for my friends. This next year is going to be amazing. And I will not accept loneliness anymore. My life is waiting and I cannot keep putting it on hold for needy friends who don’t need me to stop being myself.
Congratulations David & Daniel! You two are perfect and give me hope. I love you both.
Family — So many people I know have strained relationships — or no relationship at all — with their families. I am so lucky to have parents who have become friends over time. And my brothers are some of the best people I’ve come across in life. I’d want all four members of my immediate family in my life even if I wasn’t related to them. They remain my only regret in moving to Alaska. I wish I could see them more than I do, but cherish even more strongly those times I do get to spend with them.
Alaskans — As lucky as I was to get such amazing parents and brothers, I never thought I would be as lucky in my life again. I’ve always resigned myself to the notion that friends come into and drift from your life with great fluidity. That is why I love people with such ferocity when they are in my life — I know it will not last. However, the group of people who have found a way to let me into their lives here in Alaska are the ones I don’t accept a temporary friendship with. David, Daniel, & Denis feel like family in a way few of my friends have in my life. All three make me feel safe in unique ways. I am so thankful for them. And I’m trying my hardest to not hold on too tightly.
Oklahoma — I needed to leave to appreciate it. I think it is true that every place has a unique sense of itself and I’m quite content to be from Oklahoma. I wouldn’t want to be from anywhere else.
Books — I up and left a better paying job with more obvious room for growth to work in a bookstore again. I simply need to be around books. I enjoy my job at Title Wave Books in Anchorage for a lot of reasons. None of those reasons are because it isn’t Barnes & Noble, which I still miss, or Borders, which I still miss. To me, it isn’t about a place being corporate or independent. It isn’t about what the store looks like. It is the books themselves and the life they give the place.
Old Friends — As people have drifted out of my life, some have not drifted away from me, but towards new lives for themselves. Those people have remained an important part of my life. Sometimes I find it hard to remember that I am loved; these people have reminded me in some way. I appreciate them so much.
Animals — We aren’t here on this planet alone. There are so many beautiful creatures we are blessed to share our world with. My life is enriched with both cats and dogs, whose sense of themselves makes me wonder how animal intelligence can be disregarded. I am thankful that I share my planet — my home — with hoofed, clawed, feathered, & furry individuals.
Shopping — I am a consumer. I love to find things that are beautiful to add to my home, even at the expense of being responsible.
Have a happy Thanksgiving.
I had a series of dreams that were extremely vivid last night. In one, I was watching as two young guys destroyed an ancient monument of some significance. I was some distance back recording the whole thing. Another man came up to me, excited that I had caught them, but encouraged me to get out before they say me. We made our way through the forest we were in until the helpful man tried to kill me. I picked up a large stick and stabbed him. He pretended to die, but I couldn’t get myself to stab him again, so I left. I watched him get up and run the other way… and then I woke up.
In another, similarly disturbing one, I was in a house with a woman who I lived with. We were the only ones capable of summoning a guy who would certainly kill. She left it to me, fearing that there were people about to discover that we had the incantation, but knowing that if there was only one of us that they couldn’t kill one. She gave me a flashlight and the book containing the incantation and told me that when the time was right, I would know what to do. After many threats and negotiations with those who’d broken into the house, I said the incantation, resurrecting the killer. And then I stared at the flashlight, wondering when the “right time” would come. And then I woke up.
I the last one, I went to work on what seemed like a normal day. Most people were on bike, but I made my way to one of the few car spaces and parked my car in a device that dangled it over the edge of a cliff to keep it safe. I went to punch in under a large tent, full to capacity with all sorts of people. A woman came up and asked for help getting a few things while I was getting ready for my day in the back of the tent. The other employees just raised their eyebrows at her and went back to socializing. I apologized for them and offered to help her. She gave me a list and told me the things were just too high to reach. Still outside, we made our way through a bustling world of an outdoor fair of some sort, down a path and towards the items she wanted, high up in a tent on the far side of the many acres. On the way I remarked that he charcoal sequined dress was the most perfect dress for her, but did not mention the bright orange sneakers she’d chosen to pair with them. A trio of ladies tried to get me to help them, but I told them I was helping someone else and to sit tight and someone would be by. The chose to follow us instead. Somehow, I lost the lady I was helping and the other three. I did find one of my managers who remarked at what a successful Oktoberfest this was. And it was. Everyone was happy and enjoying themselves. The fun was organic; very little structure disrupted people’s enjoyment. I made my way up steep rocks, where I thought to myself that going to the gym and running around the rainforest before work were probably not my best ideas. And then I woke up.
What does it all mean… and why did I remember these dreams?
This election was such a relief. Thank you to those whose states voted for Obama. Mine did not.
I apologize for Alaska; don’t judge us all by the actions of those who have voted for a convicted felon.
untitled [mediocrity]
How are we preparing ourselves to be gods,
to shed these skins and rise to greatness?
I’ve been expecting miracles and have found
normalcy.
Mediocrity is punishment for lack of passion,
a pain I’ve allowed to flow through me,
finding ways to penetrate my fibers.
I’m looking for ways to free the me who
screams and wants to be released.
10.15.2008
The creative block continues. It took considerable time to squeeze the above from my head and I really believe that while writing should be a lot of work, it shouldn’t be this difficult. Perhaps I need to put aside my silly fears and just write the things I know would flow easily. Perhaps I should try harder. I’m waiting for that elusive muse the deliver a swift kick to my backside and get me moving. Maybe I’ve waited too long; I should just do it myself.
So, the snow come to us about a month earlier than it did last year. I’m both annoyed and relieved by its return. I do love the crispness of the air when I walk outside in the morning. It blasts me awake in a refreshing way. I love the stillness of a busy city when it is blanketed in softness that blocks out the sound. To be surrounded by bustling and still feel peaceful is a surreal experience that summer doesn’t offer in the same way for me. But I had already forgotten about the driving. I’ll get over it soon enough and it won’t feel like such a big deal to never seem to get through the intersections fast enough. In the meantime, I’ll try to be careful and not let the roads distract me. This place is already piling up with cars crashing into one another. I don’t really want to be a part of that.
Inspiration will come. I trust that. I also know I’m probably forcing it a bit, which won’t help. Maybe I need to get out, have a little fun for once and let my creativity work itself out.
Happy Birthday to KC, Meghan, & my 7 year old kitten, Franz.Continue Reading