Homesick
Alas, my socks don’t match today. My belt is black; my shoes are brown. Even my left hand seems larger than my right. As I drove to work this morning, the colors seemed so intense and distant and nothing felt real. I am out of sorts. I am trapped in a little bubble and everything is a little distorted as I look out at the world. I’m not sure why this is, but stress seems to be the safest bet.
I’ve recently discovered what the pain of homesickness feels like and I don’t really care for it. I was putting together my photo album, as I do when the sequence of events needs to be altered to represent who I am now, when I felt an ever increasing ache in my entire being. With no other warning, I began to cry. I have tested my limits and discovered my true breaking point. It seems that nine months is too long to be away from my loved ones. Rather like birth. Nine months was enough and I had to emerge and meet my family. Now I feel that again.
It isn’t just homesickness. Everything from home has been negative. Everything. A close friend of my mom is dying. Mom isn’t doing well with that. Stan isn’t doing well. And financially, everyone is suffering like never before. Individually, we are all used to being pennyless, but simultaneous draining of our monies has created quite a problem. I am already essentially homeless, but now my parents might end up that way as well. It is hard to deal with everything being so far away, but I just keep praying that everything will be okay.
I haven’t been a model human being lately. I have a good heart and I mean well, but that can only get you so far in this life. My lack of attention to what seem to be important things in life has really added to the hole I continue to dig for myself. My brain just won’t work correctly. I find that music is the only thing that can keep me focused, which is likely the reason I love it so much. I can actually think about something rather than thinking about everything.
This is all depressing and I am not really sad at all. I actually feel blessed to be here on this planet at this moment in time. It feels right. Life is interesting. I never thought my path would include excursions to far away places — and certainly not for the length of time that it has, but I am glad that it has. I am also fascinated that people I meet seem to fill holes in my life I didn’t even realize I had. It is as though I was meant to meet them… meant to know them. My destiny seems to be working itself into fruition. I guess everyone realizes what life means for them at a certain point in life. For me, that hasn’t really happened. yet, but the picture is becoming increasingly clear. Life isn’t fuzzy like is once was. Well, that isn’t exactly true. Maybe life is a little less fuzzy.
Incidentally, I have been slowly introducing Asian foods into my pantry. I am really enjoying curries & noodles & such. Plus, food at Asian markets is super cheap.Continue Reading
I have discovered an entirely new world here in Alaska. Health is much more important to people here and there is evidence of that in the vast natural food sections in stores. Not just a single aisle, or single side of an aisle, these sections are serious portions of the store, taking 5-6 full aisles plus a refrigerated case. I see myself making the food choices I prefer.
I really expected the loons to have migrated by now, but they are still around. They are quite creepy to hear, especially when they call at night. It just doesn’t sound like a bird. Lucille, the 86 year old woman upstairs, said they will leave just when it is about to freeze. No freezing in the immediate forecast, so my time here should be full of loon creepiness.
Sometimes, people are just plain nice, which is always unexpected. I called the Oklahoma Unemployment offices for some help. I am required to attend a work rehabilitation meeting this Friday with Workforce Oklahoma. Although I am required to attend in order to receive my unemployment check, they are not actually the same agency. However, the number for Workforce Oklahoma may not be dialed from Alaska. Expecting resistance, I called the only number I knew, the one to file a claim, and spoke to a claims representative. To my surprise, she not only was attentive to what my issue, but offered to call the number for me. When she received no answer, she then offered to fax over the information I had given. It was so nice to speak to somebody who genuinely wanted to help.
On the job front, speaking of unemployment, I did attend a screening session for Fred Meyer yesterday. It was rather strange, but I imagine it will result in an interview. I also have an interview with Wal-Mart this morning. I am not sure what kind of position that will be for, but I think I really need to focus on finding a management position. Not that I will limit my search to that or refuse work, but at some point I need to get back into retail management because I just love it. And I am good at it. I am really interested in positions I found online at some other companies. We will see how those go.
I am trying to find a new church home. I think I will be attending MCC in Anchorage today, so we will see how I like it. I did take several of the denomination selectors online. I always come out as Quaker and Unitarian Universalist. But, United Churches of Christ is on there too and I generally like them. I am welcome to advice on this.
So, I apparently had the flu. Not that I went to a doctor or anything smart like that. But I am pretty sure based on symptoms that it was the flu. That pretty much killed my whole week. I had a fever that I couldn’t break for several days, body aches, and I was so congested. I finally started feeling better on Friday, but by then I was so exhausted! And the days have all melded together and seem to be flying by rapidly. Not at all a fun way to spend my time.