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Wow! I excel at procrastination. It is a terrible, terrible problem that needs to just stop. A week from now, I’ll be on my vacation. I’ll have just arrived in Dallas after a full day of flying. I’ll be quite thankful to be away. While I already dread not being near a computer everyday, a break will probably be good for me too.

Before I leave, I must get my house cleaned up, figure out what I’m taking with me, finish up a couple of projects, and pop a few things in the mail. It doesn’t seem like much, but also doesn’t seem like something I really need to keep putting off getting finished.

Okay, off too it then!

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Seahorses

We struggle for life, gasp for water
and we die, wriggling and contorting into position.
Our dried carcasses serve as amusement.
Fifty years we’ve been on display,
dust gathering in our rigid and bony structures,
souvenirs for those whose lives were more exciting.
They pull us out to reminisce about their wild youth,
our magic now stripped by time,
and they talk to each other about us and how they miss us.

Some of them forget about us,
about how we thrived in the waters before being rescued,
collected as memorials.
They don’t know about the vibrant reefs like we do,
about the others who didn’t make it or we carried back
to other grey places where they too would be forgotten.
Many of us are labeled for easy identification,
classified and sorted so onlookers can gaze at our husks
in wonderment or disgust… or a bit of both.
Our tiny bodies have become too numerous,
too many have been broken or discarded,
but most of us will fade into the dark obscurity, lost.

The new fashion has been to provide a tank,
to adopt a bit of our habitat and collect several specimens,
lives lived with names and memorialized
as members of families, temporary and disposable.
We exist as novelty, and still a part of their youth,
a part of that colorful past they will talk about one day,
sharing the photos with their children and grandchildren.
They’ll talk about us, about how much they love us,
pulling us from the drawers and boxes to prove themselves,
they’ll show videos they took of the tanks filled with water,
convinced that they are showing great love for us.
But when they are no longer beings asked to show off
their specimens, their carefully curated collections,
they’ll put us away again and go back to their real lives.

We will keep wishing that our dried bodies would stop
finding their way into souvenir shops of those who
do not want to dip into the water and experience our lives.
We don’t want to live in tanks either, playthings of people
who do not understand that our beauty has not been for them,
that our magic was meant for ourselves.

The sun is coming up on the horizon,
Christopher Street is quieter than it used to be,
and I wonder if a generation is coming
who will realize the world that was fought for,
and I wonder if they will long for the days
when they were precious trinkets of other people’s youth.

Notes

Written 1 July 2009 in Anchorage, Alaska & 5 September 2019 in Payne County, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Seahorses” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)Continue Reading

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I don’t get it.

I got sucked in and now you can too!

Seahorses

A seahorse struggles to hold life, gasping for water
as it dies, wriggling into the position it will dry into.
Agony for the sake of amusement. A carcass is worth
the smile on the face of a child who will pick at the bits
left in the bony-plated shell of now peaceful being.Continue Reading

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There is nothing in the world as wonderful as sugar free popsicles. It is one of those things that I cannot stop myself from eating once I start, which is why I look for the smallest boxes possible. Last night, I selected a rather large box, 24 popsicles, and had myself a little party. I stopped myself with 2 left and my tongue irreversibly in pain. Today, the reminder of that wonderful dinner is a dull pain that will eventually go away as my tongue heals. I guess you really can get too much of a good thing.

I went out with some work people the other night, a sort of Pride celebration of our own. It was nice to be out in the world. I rarely leave my house to enjoy myself, preferring solitude most of the time. After a little lesbian mud wrestling, some dancing, and general stupidity I remember what I liked about the world. Perhaps it is time to come out of seclusion.

While I’ve known this about myself for a long time, I really wish I wasn’t constantly reminded of it: I have trouble finding the line between friendship and love at the beginning stages of getting to know someone. I imagine that isn’t uncommon, but it does irritate me about myself. Spending time with someone who is fantastically poorly suited to me as a partner, but who I am ridiculously infatuated with, made the pleasantness of our evening a little tainted. I wish that social interaction was more natural to me. I always feel a little like I’m viewing everyone else in their natural habitat, like some sort of nature park. I almost never quite feel connected to all of the other people. I’m starting to wonder if my nephew might be right, but about all of us. Perhaps we really are just from another planet entirely.

I know that perfect person — the one who understands me as well as I will him — is out there. Patience can be trying, but I haven’t reached the end of it just yet. I do keep saying that; I suppose it is still true.Continue Reading

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anti-discrimination ordinance

Round Three!

I don’t know the outcome of tonight’s assembly meeting, but the testimonies and the images of people with signs has me thinking.

One of the most striking things — and the most obvious — is the separation of folks into blue shirts (those supporting the anti-discrimination ordinance) and red shirts (those opposing the ordinance). For some reason, my mind keeps going back to the time two of my closest friends chose ignorance over me. At the time, there was a day on campus when those in support of the GLBT community were told to wear jeans. My friends, fearing what others might think, wore khakis that day. They did at least feel guilty enough to confess to me that they had done that, but I’m sure they didn’t realize how hurtful it was for me to hear. I’ve never been able to get past that event. It is clearly one of the things that has pushed us apart as friends.

Seeing large groups of people whose agenda is to spread intolerance is difficult enough, but when they involve their children it is even worse. These kids should not be spending their time protesting people they’ve been taught to not understand. They appear bored, or in the case of the ones who are young enough, excited to be a part of something that seems so important. It is unfortunate that they don’t understand what it is they are doing. It saddens me that we live in this world.

I know far too many people from the “red shirt” side of things. These folks are family or have been close friends of mine over the years and I suppose it never dawned on me to be offended by this behavior. I guess I thought knowing me would eventually be enough, but it isn’t anymore. Those whose ignorance taints our relationship aren’t as welcome in my life as they used to be.

John’s blog — including blogging as the assembly meeting took place Wednesday evening
Heather’s blog — including blogging from the previous assembly meetings as well as transcripts.

reading

It has slowed a little, but I’m still on my reading kick. Today I read The Little Guide to Your Well-Read Life by Steve Leveen. This little book was pretty helpful for learning how to read and when. It makes a lot of points in a small amount of time. I especially liked the idea of organizing your bookshelves into “book candidates,” “books I’ve read very recently,” and “books I’ve read.” It seems obvious, but I have a tendency to arrange my shelves by genre. I then have to scan my shelves for a new book to read, waiting for one to jump out at me. He also talks about having many more books than you will ever read at home, an idea that has always seemed natural to me, but for which I guess I needed permission.

I’m still making my way through the 4th Harry Potter book, my friends having finished the series already. I find myself easily distracted, reading other things at the same time. My Folks Came in a Covered Wagon has been somewhat interesting too.

I’d like to be a part of a book group again. Maybe I’ll start one up if I can’t find one I like.

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This year seems to framed in terms of love. Every corner has been shaded in one way or another with beautiful acts of love — marriages, friendships, deepening relationships at every turn. It is a nice time to be alive, to know the people I know.

In two short weeks, Heather and John will get married. Words fail to express how perfect these two are with on another. They are two halves of a whole, seem meant to have found each other. I’m incredibly happy that they are starting a new chapter in their life and committing themselves more fully. It is powerful and I wish them all the luck in the world.

In July, another of my favorite people is getting married. My cousin Rebecca has long been one of those people whose kindness is so strong that it is humbling. Her attitude towards life has been overwhelmingly positive and she is a joy to know. She is definitely one of the members of my family who I’d want to know even if I was not related to them. I’ve not had the privilege to meet her fiancé, but the chatter has been that he is an amazing person who seems made for Beck.

I love couples. I’ve seemed to gravitate toward couple in my life and prefer being in the company of people who are deeply connected. As long as I don’t feel intrusive, which I must admit I often do at times, I enjoy being witness to such love. It has a sort of magic about it and I don’t need it for myself to appreciate. Love is so powerful. It has a presence. I can feel it filling to house when I visit my parents, hanging in the air before even entering the house. I feel it when David talks about Daniel and when Daniel’s eyes light up around David. Their love captures fully the spirit of the thing.

One day I’ll find that for myself, but I’m content for now to bask in the warmth of other people’s connections. Life feels perfect sometimes.

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The fight continues…

Adding the GLBT community to Anchorage’s anti-discrimination law has been quite the journey. For those who are unfamiliar, this all started in the 70s. At that time, there was a proposal to add sexual orientation to the state’s existing anti-discrimination policy. That proposal passed, but was vetoed by the mayor at the time. A few weeks later, the proposal passed again. Once again, the mayor vetoed. In the early 90s, an anti-discrimination policy including sexual orientation was enacted, but later repealed by a different assembly.

It is ludicrous that we are having this debate. It is absolutely insane that it is so accepted to play with other people’s protections. It isn’t enough to deny actual rights to gay and lesbian couples, these people go the extra step to ensure that members of their own community are not protected from employers or bankers who bring misguided religious beliefs into their business decisions. The proposed ordinance would prevent a person being turned down for housing based on sexual orientation.

Opponents of the ordinance feel that this would be pushing homosexuality on heterosexuals. What they really mean by that thought is they don’t want their right to exclude people they don’t understand taken away. They want to impose their own religious beliefs on others. And that is where their argument makes no sense. This is not a religious matter, but a civic one. Religious belief should keep away from it.

As a Christian myself, this sort of hate-mongering really gets under my skin. It isn’t in keeping with the lessons of love that dominate the Bible. It is such a non-issue. How is it that something so obviously not a part of Scripture has been concluded from it and used to oppress friends and neighbors. What hurts the most from these folks is the very common claim of several gay friends. Why would a person support something that prevents protections from people they refer to as friends. Ludicrous.

And really it all comes back to a larger issue. I’ve been working on some research on gay books and stumbled across a particularly irritating one. The premise of this title was to arm Christians with arguments against the new gay Christian movement. Are they serious? The synopsis claimed that this was an outreach; it stated that there was still hope for these gay Christians and that it was not their goal to push people away from God. Are they serious??? It makes me angry that there are actually Christians out there who are upset that other people are Christians. I think the worst part was the comment by a woman about her gay son. The hate in her comment made me feel so sad for her son that this sort of thinking exists in our world. And I felt so blessed to have the parents I have.

Why does this not make perfect sense to everyone else? How is it that we don’t wish for everyone to be happy and healthy and secure? How can we want anything except love and acceptance for everyone on our planet? I cannot wrap my mind around how parents can send their young children to protest the protections of other people.

Fortunately, the GLBT community is not alone. If we were, concerns about changing laws wouldn’t be as prominently on our minds. We have on our side an army of allies from the straight community who have taken up this fight, having recognized what I mentioned before. This is about friends, neighbors, family members. I owe these allies so much.

Heather & John have done more than anyone I know in Alaska to try to make sure it is a better place for me. I’m humbled by their diligence and cannot begin to express my gratitude. Anchorage Baptist Temple should look to these two as examples of how to treat other human beings. Neither approaches with hate, but with understanding, even when that understanding is for someone whose opinions makes very little sense to their own beliefs.

It is amazing to know people like this.

SOSAnchorage Blog

Enjoying Alaska

Last week, we celebrated Dru’s 30th with merriment at David & Daniel’s house. It was a nice evening, if a bit rainy. I love being surrounded by friends and these moments just seem perfect. We talked into the night in the relative closeness of the dining room and kitchen. But it was nice. Liz & Joan are talkative and enjoyable people to be around and I only regret that I tend to clam up in groups and enjoy the being rather than the interacting. Daniel and David are great hosts.

Tuesday, we celebrated Denis’ birthday with a similar soiree. We’d planned a small cookout, but surprised him with presents and guests. The sun was out and we spent our time on Denis’ deck and around a fire. The food was nice; I rediscovered my love of corn on the cob. The group was similar to last week’s and I once again retreated into myself after a time.

I love Anchorage summers almost as much as I love the winters. It is nice to sit outside with friends until almost midnight in the daylight. It was a good day.

Today was warm. I threw open the doors I could and opened up my windows and just let the air through. It was nice.Continue Reading