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2004:
It is nearly over. I have survived, but I feel like just barely. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful and exhausting. I feel like I haven’t had any time to myself. Because I haven’t. I blog when I am alone and off work. It is my release, my sanctuary. But there has been none. It is done. Christmas behind us, we will be settling back into the day to day routine soon. I look forward to that time. It is funny how the times I so enjoyed as a child are the very ones that stress me out and I hate as an adult.

Belated:
I really must wish a happy birthday to a few people. I missed the actual days, and I am sorry for that. Conner and Nick both had birthdays on the 20th, Sandra on the 22nd, Jesus on the 25th… hmm. I know there were some others. I can’t think what they were. Hmm.

Now that things have settled and the “holidays” are over, I will write more this week.Continue Reading

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…
I should be sleeping, but I find myself up thinking about getting old, or maybe just death. I am a little blue, but I know that I am not alone. I so desperately wish I could be alone in this sometimes. A friend e-mailed me the other day to tell me that his paternal grandpa and his maternal grandma are both in poor health. Very poor. It breaks my heart that he is dealing with the things I have struggled with. Honestly, this friend has had more than his fair share of struggles in his life. I want to give him a big hug.

Papa isn’t doing that well… it makes me feel guilty and sad. I am not sure I could handle anything happening to him right now. It would tear me up. He has back problems, which are not serious, but he has started feeling old, which is worse.

When John died, I has hoped that I would never deal with death again, knowing that was stupid… I just don’t know what I have left. I already do a great deal of pushing people away. More abandonment might cause a great break down. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I know that Papa isn’t doing that well, so I have visited less. It doesn’t help that the house makes me sad because Mimi should be there. Age is such a cruel joke. If you can make it through this life, you will be rewarded with death. How much sense does that make. I wish we didn’t get old – I don’t necessarily mind aging per se, but I don’t want people to die.

I hope Travis understands how much I love him and I will keep his family in my thoughts and prayers. I have so many thoughts in my head, but I am so tired that I will have to come back to them when I am not fighting with my sleep.Continue Reading

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Sleep:
Once again, my sleep is a little screwy. I would blame it on my being sick, but that is almost over and really has little to do with it in my estimation. I think it is entirely caused by my own foolishness. When one is tired, one should go to sleep. This one, however, doesn’t always do that. It is okay, but I just don’t want my sleep pattern to interfere with work… and somehow it always does. I really need to stop complaining about this. If nothing is changing I will just have to accept it.

Shopping:
My parents came over for some shopping today. I really enjoyed it, even if it did seem to be a little pointless. They picked up very little. I do have some ideas of what to get them though. We all went to Cracker Barrel after, as it is somewhere they can’t go in Stillwater. Then a quick trip to Nam-Hai, Hancock, and they returned home. I miss that. They used to come over all the time. Now I just feel like I am the son who hasn’t brought them the joy of grandchildren… which just makes me feel like a failure in life. I really wish that things were different sometimes and that I had the opportunity to have children of my own. I love my neice and nephews, but that isn’t the same. They also had KC with them, my neice. She is fun and very good natured. God, I want a family… and yes, I want a husband.

When they left, I went to Target to find a gift for my secret Santa person at work. I had picked up one thing because it was a good deal, but then I found the exact perfect thing I was looking for. I got that instead. I really think it will be a hit! I also got a small something for Lori, some gift bags, a gift for a girl at work I didn’t really want to buy for (but it was perfect), and some additional cards. I showed amazing restraint and put back the three items that I would never have used (2 clearance bags & an empty tin). I enjoyed the day, but it was exhausting. I stopped by Lori’s, watched last half of CSI, all of Without A Trace, and fell asleep sometime during the 10 o’clock news.

Work:
Work has been insanity lately. Such is the nature, yadda yadda yadda… I do of course work in retail. This weekend look like it will be a blast!!! We have a great crew Friday and Saturday, and then the manager party is on Sunday! Good times. It’ll be nice to be around these people and be having a good time — with the exception of Lori, with whom I often enjoy myself.

I just about killed Nick the other day, and now I understand someone called out yesterday… they are all on my list at this point. ALL OF THEM. I guess I need to start getting mean before someone notices. I love them to death, but they are walking all over me and they don’t really care right now. Maybe that isn’t true of everyone, but I get the feeling that several of them feel that way. Woe.Continue Reading

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Blah!

I have been a little under the weather lately. Sniffles n’ such, ya know. It kinda sucks, but what can you do. I have had a lot of sleep, which is nice. And medicine head is more fun than it should be.

It beginning to look a lot like…

Justin and I just did some Christmas shopping today. I went ahead and got a small tree. It was 40% off at Hobby Lobby! I also got some stuff to make a wreath and some wind-up lederhosen for my dad. They are cute. Justin got stockings and stocking holders, all of which were 50% off. It is a nice group, but they need two more stockings for the dogs, which he is going to have Patrick get. Some cleaning tonight and tomorrow and then Wednesday I will decorate!!!

Being sick sucks.Continue Reading

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Thankful:

First, I would like to say that I am thankful for so many things. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent. I sometimes don’t allow myself to enjoy my family, but I really do. It is nice to feel that relaxed around people. I am thankful for my cousins, who are becoming such wonderful people. I am thankful for my brothers and their families. I am thankful for my uncle, even when he really annoying. I am thankful for my grandpa (Papa) who was too quiet this year. I wish him speedy recovery on his back. I am especially thankful for having the greatest parents ever. They are both as much friends as parents. I enjoy them so much. Their house can be too hectic for me though, with the children always under foot.

The day was so great. We watched Will & Grace, visited, and played with the kids all day at my parents’ house. Gradually, everyone made their way down to my grandpa’s house. We started with 15 and by the time I left for my grandpa’s, only my dad was left. We had the best and most moist turkey I have ever had!!! It just fell apart as the knife touched it, so no need to slice it at all. I sat at the kids’ table, where I have sat my entire life. Really, we all are. That table is, and has always been Opie, Annie, myself, and some combination of others including Becky, Brad, Brent, etc. The actual kids are still too young to sit off by themselves. It was just an excellent day.

So, Where Has Brian Been???

Nowhere. I have just not been on the computer that much. I guess life is just boring lately. Not that I have been bored. I do have opinions on that. I want a boyfriend. I want to feel loved. I am scared of looking… scared to death of trying… of putting myself out there. I miss my gay friends. This is really where gay friends come in handy. I am lonely and I don’t like it at all. Blah. I am basically content with my life otherwise. I do need to get on here and just blog already!!! I sometimes forget that my friends check this to see what is going on… Travis.

Work:

Speaking of work, Shauna is working at my store as of earlier this week!!! It is so nice to see her face at work. I so miss living with her and James. I wish things never changed and you could just stay close to everyone.

This is the weekend of weekends at work. I am looking forward to the craziness. I am a little worried that our manager will be exhausting and frantic, but overall it should be fun.Continue Reading

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Man, I feel like a woman… no, no wait… I don’t either…
So, as you may guess from that bit of stupidity, I went ahead and got the Shania Twain Greatest Hits CD. I absolutely love it!!! Am I worried about the money that will now not be available for bills… no. Should I be? Probably. I also got the Britney Spears album. I like both of them, but had never actually purchased a CD from either of them. Me=nerd.

Xanga:
I like the new feature on Xanga I think… kinda juvenile and hook-upy, but the format is nice. I would like to see some things updated though. I would like to be able to join more blogrings as a premium member. I would also like to phone in posts like livejournal users. I think that is great, especially when you have no access to a computer, but have something to say and don’t want to lose it. Mine would end up being pathetic, but that would have to be okay.

Fun & Games:
Tuesday evening was fun. I went over to Lori’s and played Settlers with her and Jess. Always a little bitter, never too boring, usually a great time. It was nice. It had been so long since we played. Hopefully we can play Magic sometime soon. I really am more interested in doing that. We also played Yatzee. I was first loser in that game.

All this game playing was brought to you by Lori’s new dining room set, which is awesome. I absolutely love it. It is inbetween regular height and bar height, which just makes me feel like a kid. It is a gorgeous deep red wood that just looks like Lori. It is also the perfect size for any board game. Excellent purchase.

Speaking of games and fun, I really want to host a party soon. I had offered to have a New Year’s party, forgetting that Lori always has the New Year’s party, just like John always had the Halloween party. I might just do a game night, but if I must I could always have a Christmas party. I just fear that everyone will be partied out.

Parents:
After planning to visit, I found out that my parents will be out of town the entire time I am off. I am going over on Saturday night while my mom packs between her trips and I’ll stay through Sunday. My dad will be there Sunday… It is weird because they are always home. And my mom offered to take me with her to Nebraska, but I have to be back to work before she gets back. Oh well… Maybe I can visit Brad & Jess Sunday too. (I really just want to see the nephews, but I will pretend to want to see my brother and his wife… )

Sorry about those horrid buttons. I never really saw them. I have replaced them. I hope the images are better.Continue Reading

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Lament For Tooth #30:

It is done. Satisfied with the amount of decrease in infection, Dr. Coffey gassed me, gave me shots, and ripped my quickly dying tooth from my jaw. The process was not too bad actually. The hygienist was very nice, which always helps. Unfortunately, I require multiple shots before achieving numbness. That only made the wait take longer. When I was as numb as I was getting, he worked to pry the tooth loose, which it was not interested in.  Some impromptu surgery and sutures later, the tooth is completely gone. Then came the bleeding. It only took me 3 or 4 hours to get the clot to form, which I am telling myself is normal. Now I am just supposed to take it easy for 24 hours, which should be easy (considering that is all I do with my life usually).

Why would I want to hang on to a part of my body that didn’t have the courtesy to stay alive? Seriously though, the dentist and the nurse who wrapped stuff up both offered me the black and shattered tooth remnants. Yes, those would go great with my body parts collection. Or maybe with my collection of old broken things that have died. No thank you. I do not want to keep the tooth.

It always irritates me when I have to come back. Next week the sutures will come out and a comprehensive exam of my teeth will be completed so that a long term treatment plan can be established to both fill the gap in my teeth and have fillings reset to prevent losing the other 5 teeth that are in the same danger. I don’t know that he understood that I want as much done by December 31 as possible because I met my deductible the other day for 2004. I still say it is stupid that teeth don’t rank as a medical expense.

Sleepy:

Codeine is one of the nicest parts of any medical visit, dentist of otherwise. It does make me sleepy though. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to wait on my hand and foot instead of being at my parents’ house waiting for chili I know I won’t like and not being able to sleep because the menu for the Shrek DVD will not allow me to sleep.

I need a man for more reasons than that. There was a guy in today that made me realize that I may have moved on from bois to men. He was in his 40s, very built, but with no neck. He was very attractive to me. But then I was thinking about how I wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of man.

Family:

I am at my parents’ house, as I said, which I love because I grew up in this house. I have been the most against selling this house as my parents looked for somewhere else to live, but I like the idea if it means building our very own homestead.

Conner has been so great today. He told me this story about his uncle John (my sister-in-law’s brother) scaring him as a wolf at the downtown trick-or-treat night. It was cute, but being the defiant kid he is made sure that I understood that he hit Uncle John. Today was also the first time Conner called me Uncle Brian. It was nice, as Conner has always called me Brent.

I can’t sleep here. If it had the walls, carpet, furniture, accessories, appliances, or smell it had while I was growing up it would be more relaxing. But it is not. Everything has changed (even the toilet and tub!) I can’t wait to drive home and sleep in my own bed for the rest of the day.

Gifts:

Am I the gayest person on the planet??? I have gotten what I need to make pillows, throws, and/or sachets. It will be nice to save money and have given something so meaningful.

Let It All Out:

I am on a roll with pissing people off. So, here goes again. A few weeks ago, I mentioned a secret that I kept until now from my friends. Specifically, Lori and Jess who would be most affected by the news. I went dancing the night we went out for Jess’ birthday. I went after I refused to be the DD. But that is a major part of my point.

Jim called at 11:30. He and his boyfriend were to be at the Majestic in 30 minutes. It had been so long that I put myself together and met them there, where I danced away.

I never want to be a DD. If it comes up, then fine, but I don’t want to be asked to go somewhere just because I have decided to not drink. I am nobody’s bitch. Again, I don’t mind helping out, but these things must be on my own terms.Continue Reading