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Mom:
I don’t much like talking about this, but I’m worried about my mom. She’s on vacation all the way in North Carolina — a good days drive away. I miss her. See, she’s an alcoholic. She generally goes to visit Mel, her friend, so she can get away from her triggers and spend some time not drinking. But my brother called last night to tell me she has been getting drunk there and Mel wants to put her in rehab there. I do think that would be good for her. Last time she was in rehab, she was only 30 minutes away though. It would be far less likely that I would visit in NC. I also think that might be good. She really needs to wake up and realize what she is doing to herself. Although I hate talking about it, I think it doesn’t make me sad anymore.

Work:
I am going to start randomly scheduling myself vacation days, I think. I feel run down. But at the same time, I would like to find a second job. I really need the money — bad. That isn’t true either. I really would like to have a second job to support my spending habits.Continue Reading

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Friend:
I had a falling out with a good friend in December. I miss him terribly, but have no way to get in touch with him. I just went to his website. It made me cry. He was the only friend I could share my deepest emotions with. What’s more, the falling out had nothing to do with him or me. It was all his boyfriend. I wish he’d call…

Work:
I was too exhausted to finish last night. Working with Nira is horrible. Nira makes me hate my job and I do not like people who do that. Really I was not in the best frame of mind anyway. I think I am having sinus issues, but I am scratchy and just generally sick. I hope it isn’t contageous since I just spent the evening at Daisy’s watching her and Flora play Guess Who? of all things.

Family:
I just had quite a conversation with Dad about his job and his frustrations. I decided not to bother him with some problems I am having. I will wait until there is less going on. I hate that I haven’t seen my nephew in so long. He is 2 1/2. I need to visit soon.Continue Reading

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Sleep: (added at 5:56 a.m.)

Or lack of it. After tossing and turning from 3:00 to now I decided it isn’t going to happen — and if it does I will oversleep. I have to be at work at 8:00. 2 more hours and then my hellish day will begin. I don’t know what the problem is, but I haven’t had a normal amount of sleep in over a week. I even lied to my friends, telling them I slept all day yesterday. I didn’t. I am definately feeling the effects of this now. I should get something to help (or see a doctor). Oh well…

Work:

I am so tired of everyone at work! Okay, just 3 of them. Anyway, they all need to be fired or quit. I am so sick of trying to so my job when others insist on doing NOTHING. Egad! Everything should be fixed soon… Thank God I had a day off today.

Storm:

The other day a storm ripped through town with winds up to 75 miles per hour. Something like 70,000 people lost power. It was weird because it was quite a nice day before and after. My parents e-mailed me to tell me they lost a tree. I liked that tree a lot. An ice storm did a number on it a couple of years ago.

Daisy and I were out when the winds came in. We took shelterr at the mall. After sitting in the parking garage for an hour (we both HATE the mall), we went in briefly to buy some stuff at Bath & Body. Then we went to Cracker Barrel for a 3:00 p.m. breakfast. It was so good — I had not eaten all day. After a brief discussion on going home we went shopping for clothes. Together we spent $400 or so, which is crazy!!! We figured up our totals yesterday — we each spent the same amount. I did not intend to spend so much on clothes I will hate in a week anyway. We then ordered pizza and watched Return Of the King. Good day despite the frightening storm. Oh, and we ran into Molly and Jeff at Target.

Family:

It bothers me a little that I haven’t seen my family since sometime in March or early April. I used to see them once a week. Hmmm… Maybe it is somewhat my fault, but they pass by my house frequently. For me to visit it at least 45 minutes in a direction I wasn’t already going. Maybe I should say something. Or maybe I should stop whining — I hate it when people do that.Continue Reading

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Work:
It all hits the fan in the morning. There are several big things going on tomorrow that will cause chaos and confusion at work, but they will prove good in the near future. Management shake-ups and such. I officially know nothing and must act surprised as each items comes down. Nothing immediately affects me, so I will try to not tense up.

UPDATE: Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Stressful for some, but not as bad as it could have been. (5:57 p.m.)

Family:
My cousin is in town briefly before going back to Harding for summer classes. I feel bad that I haven’t called her (and she has called me), but I feel strange about it. I think that it’s time to let her know that I am gay, but I really fear her reaction. She and I have been close our entire lives and I just don’t know how she’ll react. I hope she knows already. She leaves Thursday. I really have to call and see her at least once. It has been too long.

Friends:
I am an ass. My friends and I were playing Phase 10. I really don’t care who wins, but I play the game. If I win I win, if not so what. Today was horrible though. Jess was so bitter that I was doing well she attempted to sabotage my game. It was so malicious. She lost all signs of having a good time. It isn’t life, it’s a game. I reacted poorly, throwing the game and making some snide remark about the goal of this hand being screwing me over. I felt bad, but it was crazy that a game irritated her so much. We made up after Ray won and all is forgotten.

Self:
I might have a fear of dying.Continue Reading

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untitled [100 days]

It’s been one hundred days
and if feels like it all happened
just this morning.
I’m starting to realize she’s gone –
finally missing her and ultimately
knowing I can never see her again.

I hate that morning –
when Mimi died.
Loneliness overtook me and
pain was invited in.
All I needed was a hug
from Bettina, JD, Travis, Becky,
Mom — but they weren’t there.
I’m cold inside and sad.
I miss her.

6.18.2002

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Family:
This year was supposed to be better. What happened? My other grandma passed away in March and my mother revealed a drinking problem (you may remember my worry about her — she was drunk those times). All in all, it’s been sucky so far this year.

Work:
I was promoted to Music Dep’t Manager @ work. I like it, but I have been a little stressed.

Computers:
I again have an ISP, so I can write here more.Continue Reading

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Bonita

She looks perfect,
her familiar red dress matches
beautifully with the soft pink lining,
the red heart draped around her neck,
as if she’d just come in
from church for a nap
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
She is calm, peaceful.
Tears stream down Papa’s face;
his wife and best friend,
the mother of his children
and the strong woman
to whom he devoted a life,
lies quietly, still the girl he married
only fifty-three years ago.
‘She really is a beautiful lady.’

Notes

Written 12 March 2002 in Stillwater, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Bonita” from Scissor-tailed Flycatcher (Scissortail Press, 2020)Continue Reading