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Threes All The Way Down

I’m feeling both exhausted and very accomplished!  I got in my 3.33 miles this morning, and while that was my goal, I almost felt like I could have done more…that is, until my headphones stopped working properly and my shoes started actively falling apart! 

Even after having those issues, I considered just continuing on until I heard a train coming and I thought it would be fun to be on the bridge as the train passed underneath.  I am just a kid in an adult costume after all.  And it was fun.  I enjoyed that quite a bit.  Little did I know, it was one of three trains that would be coming through, so I still could have gotten a little extra in.  I would have been pretty tired when I got back though, so I think I made the right call turning around when I did.

This is a great week to get back on track with soups.  I normally just have a crockpot of soup, and I have what I need to make a light version at the moment.  I can also make some cauliflower rice meals with broccoli & sweet potato.  That would give me some variety without going overboard on calories.

I had another excellent conversation with Robert last night.  He keeps me feeling motivated with my exercise.  Later today, I’m going to make a list of the things I need, like dumbbells and yoga bricks.  I might just get online and order them.  I’m trying to get back to being serious about fitness; it might be the push my body needs for some weight loss.  We will see!!

[Walk #333, 3.33 miles]

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My History with Vegetarianism and Veganism

As long as I can remember, I’ve had a strained relationship with food.  I don’t have many food memories stored up, but I remember loving pizza, fruit, cereal, and burgers.  I started gaining weight in 3rd or 4th grade.  It wasn’t so much that I craved food, but that I was eating junk.  I had no idea how to eat properly, and enjoyed chips and candy frequently. By 7th grade, I had repeated stomach problems so severe that I was taken to a doctor who told me to not eat red meat or fried foods.  Ever.  My stomach issues cleared up.  I was able to mostly eliminate red meat and no longer ate fried foods.  My diet was not actually improved; I was only doing the minimum required to not be in pain.  The candies, sodas, and other foods continued.

When I was in middle school I became friends with a kid from a family that was vegan.  He also didn’t eat wheat, salt, or sugar.  Eating at his house felt like being in a different country, and my parents certainly didn’t know how to feed him at our house.  Things were always awkward between him and most other people.  A lot of ridicule was thrown his way, and behind his back he was referred to pejoratively as “veggie boy.”   I defended him, but in my mind the family’s vegan lifestyle was akin to a minority religion.  He was always thin and short, traits that were attributed to his diet.  Vegetarianism and veganism were seem as extreme in Oklahoma culture.  The official state meal, adopted in 1988, consists of fried okra, cornbread, barbecue pork, squash, biscuits, sausage and gravy, grits, corn, strawberries, chicked fried steak, pecan pie, and black-eyed peas.  While one could make a strong argument for at least part of this being designated “Oklahoma Historical State Meal,”  as a current meal it definitely marginalizes plant-based lifestyles.

I started to form my own opinions on eating meat when I was in high school.  Veganism didn’t seem right, or healthy.  My friend seemed to be malnourished, so I made the assumptions everyone else had made.  Still, the idea of eating animals seemed increasingly in conflict with my love of animals.  Love of animals is a misunderstood term, and one that has been a part of who I am for most of my life.  I liked to read about animal behavior in encyclopedias, National Geographic magazines, and in my subscriptions to National and International Wildlife magazines.  I was hooked on natural history and plastered the walls of my bedroom with images from magazines of the animals I liked the most — cats, insects, giraffes, gorillas, dolphins, peacocks, dinosaurs, and many others.  I was starting to see them as fellow inhabitants of the same planet and that belief made it harder and harder to want to see parts of animals cooked up for me to consume.  I wasn’t making a full connection.  It’s easy to forget what the thin round brown disc on a burger actually is.  It’s almost designed to prevent knowing.  I would go back and forth on my willingness to eat animals for a few years.  I found it easier in college; the student union offered a veggie patty that I could have with my Josta soda and I could get a bean burrito or veggie sub for dinner.  Feeding myself allowed me to eschew the animal foods that were generally consumed by other family members.  I still wasn’t terribly strict with myself, allowing myself to enjoy the McDonald’s where my roommate worked.

I drifted away from these values after college.  I have always been an eager people pleaser, and when I started spending time with a group of new friends, I didn’t want to seem odd.  Enjoying the meats they cooked allowed me to fit in better.  I would still try to be mostly plant-based, but did not turn down animal meals either.  I still had issues with eating the animals, but I was more than willing to trade in my personal beliefs to make sure my friends were comfortable.  It’s the only way in which I feel Southern.

Honoring My Values

In 2005, I took an opportunity from my dad to visit Alaska.  He had grown up there and I was eager to see it.  I was working on a novel based on his life at the time, so it seemed logical that I should go see where it all began.  A friend went with me for the first week and I would stay a full month.  My dad had found two places for me to stay, both at the homes of high school friends of his.  At the end of the first week, I had decided I was moving, and my friend was eager to join me.  She returned and orchestrated the move while I continued to stay and look for a job.  The second two weeks of my vacation were spent housesitting for a couple who are vagan.  Even with my history, I found it off-putting.  I would go through their pantry and cabinets looking at all the unusual foods.  It was not what I was used to.  And I didn’t fully embrace the experience, as I should have.  I took pleasure in buying fried chicken and eating it in the living room, a secret act of defiance.  I’m still sad about that situation.Continue Reading

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Okay, I admit that it is unwise to eat things that you know will cause some sort of allergic reaction. It boils down to common sense. Why would you knowingly ingest something that will cause your tongue or neck to swell. But that is the game I have been playing. I have come to the conclusion that I have a slight allergy to sunflower nuts. To test my theory, I have been continuing to eat sunflower nuts & things made with sunflower oil to see what sort of reaction I might have. If you are interested, the nuts seem to cause my tongue to swell, the oil seems to cause my neck to swell. It is all very curious. It is also entirely possible that I am reacting to something other than sunflowers. I’d have to be willing to go to the doctor to come to any real conclusion about my health. Paying for insurance is one thing, actually finding a physician and making appointments is quite another. I also have this quirky notion that I want a female doctor. I’m not sure why that is exactly and maybe it is just best to not delve into that.

I have been thinking about the direction of this site since I restarted it back in March. I think it is only natural for it to evolve, but it lacks a clear purpose. Maybe that is best, but I would like a bit of structure. Watch for changes soon. I doubt anything drastic will be altered, but a few minor details will. I’d like to get others reading this soon. {that isn’t to say I don’t love y’all who do read this — you’re my favorite people!}Continue Reading

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“To eat is a necessity, but to eat intelligently is an art.”
— François de La Rochefoucauld

I have spent many years being overweight and sluggish. I look in the mirror, wondering who the fat kid looking back at me is. Somehow, though, I feel that I am internally skinny and would like to let that person out for the world. I am making some headway in this area, but I still have a long way to go.

I’ll make this as brief as possible; there are plenty of books on the subject and my views are not going to make any difference.

As Americans, we need to change the way we think about food and health. As Michael Pollan points out in his book, The Omnivore’s Dilemma, it should be the most natural thing for us to know what to eat. Sadly, though, it is difficult for people to decide what they are going to eat, and often the wrong choices are made. Until very recently, I happily consumed sythetic foods & caged animals, not wanting to know much more about it — especially that what I was eating could potentially harm me. I was blissfully unaware of the problems I was causing for myself.

I hope I am starting to change that about myself. Although I don’t feel it is right for everyone, vegetarianism has changed my perception of almost everything. A common reason among vegetarians and vegans for not eating meat/using animal products is to reduce suffering. By cutting down on those things that cause great suffering, the world is a better place. I appreciate those individuals, but the issue is deeper for me. I simply don’t want to consume thinking beings. It is that shift in mindset that has forced me to read the label of everything I purchase, from tortilla chips to vitamins (many multivitamins contain fish), seeking out the hidden animal products in seemingly benign products. Who knew I would be giving up Jiffy Corn Muffin Mix (it contains lard) or canned black-eyed peas (most are canned with pork products).

It is this label reading that has forced me to deal with something else. Artifice in my food. Primarily, I don’t have the energy to read through long lists of ingredients. I’d rather put the item back than sort through everything. But I also find that I can reduce the amount of other items too. HFCS generally keeps a food item from coming home with me. As does anything claiming to be “enriched” or “whitened.”

I don’t think a little knowledge about what you are chosing to put in your body is a bad thing. And that isn’t to say I don’t still have the occasional orange soda (loaded with lots of yummy HFCS) or buy some fresh bread, even though I know it is made of white flour. Sometimes the moment dictates that you throw these convictions out. But I am able to make more informed decisions about what I eat on a regular basis.

I’m shrinking. Without exercise, I have been losing weight quickly. I have tons of energy and feel mentally more alert than I have in a long time. I can really only attribute this change in myself to the change in my eating habits. I am just generally eating a more healthy diet than I used to. Now, I will be adding exercise to the mix. I hope I only continue to get healthier. I need to.

Life is sometimes all about the small victories. I recently found myself not out of breath after walking up the stairs at work. It has only happened a few times, but it is something!

Suggested reading:
The Omnivore’s Dilemma : Michael Pollan
Plenty : Alisa Smith & JB Mackinnon
Becoming Vegetarian : Vesanto Melina & Brenda Davis
Fast Food Nation : Eric SchlosserContinue Reading

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So, I have been rather critical of my current visit with my family. I came home to Stillwater, Oklahoma after having spent the past year in Alaska. I am only here for 2 weeks and had very specific expectations of what this trip would be. Firstly, there would be exuberance and rejoicing over my return. Celebration and merriment would follow and I would enjoy many days of relaxing conversation with my parents at their new home outside of town.

That did not happen. The lack of interest in me once I arrived made me feel severely unneeded. Perhaps it is a blessing to know this. It doesn’t make knowing it any easier to know that my family can exist happily without me. It hurts a little. And this growing pain was something that needed to occur. I realize that I was never going to grow if I considered myself just one of my parents’ children instead of viewing myself as an independant individual, capable of being my own person.

I am capable.

I have only been gone for a year, but is seems like so much longer. Things I never took notice of before, suddenly stick out like bits of bone in the most delicious piece of fish I’ve ever eaten. I want to love it so much, but it just isn’t quite right. Conversely, things I took for granted seem like little blessings that only I seem to be aware of — the price of groceries, the proximity of family, dirt roads — and nobody else is taking notice. I miss this place, but I am happy to not be here at the same time.

My parents have changed. My brothers have changed. And there are small children, ready to take any attention left from whomever is around. It is a chaotic place, full of love and life, but completely unwelcoming to me. Because I wish it was the way it used to be.

Not In Alaska:
I have been enjoying the small pleasures I cannot get in Alaska. Trips: Sonic X2, Whataburger, Wal-Mart Supercenter X2, Wall’s, Bath & Bodyworks. I plan to go to a thrift store & Wall’s today and this weekend I will be going to Target, Bangkok, & hopefully Tuesday Morning and/or Hobby Lobby.

{edit}

Let me make things more clear. I really do love my family. They are the best family I could hope for. They are the most generous, most caring, & most interesting people I know. I was simply disappointed in the state of things in regards to the way I was treated on my returning after a year.

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Alas, my socks don’t match today. My belt is black; my shoes are brown. Even my left hand seems larger than my right. As I drove to work this morning, the colors seemed so intense and distant and nothing felt real. I am out of sorts. I am trapped in a little bubble and everything is a little distorted as I look out at the world. I’m not sure why this is, but stress seems to be the safest bet.

I’ve recently discovered what the pain of homesickness feels like and I don’t really care for it. I was putting together my photo album, as I do when the sequence of events needs to be altered to represent who I am now, when I felt an ever increasing ache in my entire being. With no other warning, I began to cry. I have tested my limits and discovered my true breaking point. It seems that nine months is too long to be away from my loved ones. Rather like birth. Nine months was enough and I had to emerge and meet my family. Now I feel that again.

It isn’t just homesickness. Everything from home has been negative. Everything. A close friend of my mom is dying. Mom isn’t doing well with that. Stan isn’t doing well. And financially, everyone is suffering like never before. Individually, we are all used to being pennyless, but simultaneous draining of our monies has created quite a problem. I am already essentially homeless, but now my parents might end up that way as well. It is hard to deal with everything being so far away, but I just keep praying that everything will be okay.

I haven’t been a model human being lately. I have a good heart and I mean well, but that can only get you so far in this life. My lack of attention to what seem to be important things in life has really added to the hole I continue to dig for myself. My brain just won’t work correctly. I find that music is the only thing that can keep me focused, which is likely the reason I love it so much. I can actually think about something rather than thinking about everything.

This is all depressing and I am not really sad at all. I actually feel blessed to be here on this planet at this moment in time. It feels right. Life is interesting. I never thought my path would include excursions to far away places — and certainly not for the length of time that it has, but I am glad that it has. I am also fascinated that people I meet seem to fill holes in my life I didn’t even realize I had. It is as though I was meant to meet them… meant to know them. My destiny seems to be working itself into fruition. I guess everyone realizes what life means for them at a certain point in life. For me, that hasn’t really happened. yet, but the picture is becoming increasingly clear. Life isn’t fuzzy like is once was. Well, that isn’t exactly true. Maybe life is a little less fuzzy.

Incidentally, I have been slowly introducing Asian foods into my pantry. I am really enjoying curries & noodles & such. Plus, food at Asian markets is super cheap.Continue Reading

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Election:

I am sorry world. I am sorry. I don’t understand why people cannot see what an ignorant slut this president is. Why can’t they see that discrimination is wrong in all forms. W supports discrimination. Why can’t people see that minority issues should not be decided by voters. We did not do this with women’s rights or African American rights. Our country was so divided by a minority population to contribute to a civil war. What measures will now be required for me to be a real citizen of the country I live in and love? When will it be my turn to feel free?

Fuck you if you voted to keep this. Fuck you if you want me to be under the thumb of the religious right who have conveniently forgotten that we have a separation of church and state. I will eventually have to accept that my life will never be different. Bush will never give fair attention to any issue affecting my life. Bush will not only ignore me, but will continue pissing off the world through his ignorant arrogance. Allies matter. Fuck you, George W Bush! You are not my president. You do not have a mandate.

Half of this country still opposes you and your “Christian agenda.” That is ironic that a Christian person would support the death penalty, war, discrimination. It is amusing that these are the issues that would define them. Opposition to these issues is Christian. I am ashamed to live in the United States. I am ashamed that George W Bush was re-elected. I am upset that some people don’t understand how dangerous this man is. I want the troops home with their families, not occupying Iraq, where oil reserves forced us into attacking. Bush: Fuck you, you ignorant slut!

This is a sad day.

On the other hand, good job Kerry/Edwards. We were out here. Don’t be disheartened. You had support. I am just sorry it wasn’t enough.

My last post:

Sorry if any of you were offended by my last post. I was upset and I feel passionate about politics very rarely. It was good to release. I just feel trapped by this country lately. Jess, Lori, and I discussed this issue tonight and I feel much better about it.

Obsession(s):

I know I get obsessed easily, but I am very into squash of all kinds right now and I am on a crusade to get everyone to eat squash. Tonight I made “zingerbread” while Lori made enchilada soup, to which I added zucchini. I got 2 cookbooks and don’t want to waste them. I want to make pumpkin pies from different types of pumpkins, pumpkin soup in winter squash bowls, squash chips w/ cucumber dip, and all kinds of other things. I think summer squash is my favorite food. The zingerbread was excellent by the way.

Lazy:

I overslept because of the election and missed my dental appointment. Lori and I spent the day watching movies, talking, cooking, sleeping, and just generally relaxing. It really was nice. We had a fire going and it felt nice to not worry about work or my parents. It really made me want to start using my fireplace, which I have covered by a bookcase right now. I really wish I had someone to share my life with. Someone to cuddle with.

Top 10 Stores I Actually Shop At:
1. Target
2. Barnes & Noble
3. Lulu Faboo
4. IKEA
5. Lowe’s
6. Wal-mart Neiborhood Market
7. Walls Bargain Center
8. Reasor’s
9. Hancock Fabrics
10. Nam-HaiContinue Reading