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I revealed something to a friend… a crush. I am terrified of what will happen next (good or bad). I just needed to get it off my heart and let him know because it was consuming me, keeping me up at night. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in months and I can’t stop thinking about him. It felt like the right thing to do. Unfortunately, he was unavailable, so I left a message, telling him everything that I needed him to know. If I had waited, I would have lost my nerve.

I don’t really know what to think right now. I guess it was the best way to deal with it, but I still have this fear of people thinking about me when I am not around. I want people to love me, but I don’t really want them giving much thought to me when I am not with them… which is probably why gifts make me uncomfortable. The idea that the person was considering me is unsettling. (Is this just another step on the road to needing therapy?)

I can’t wait for my vacation. I leave in a week and I am nowhere near ready. I look forward to spending time with my family and have made some definite plans with friends to go dancing. I think the trip will be very emotional from start to finish. We’ll see.

A huge thank you to Heather (& Jake). I have spent ever so much time at their home using the internet. It is very kind of them to be so patient with me.Continue Reading

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Happy Birthday Heather! I am sitting here at the end of the party at Heather’s. I begrudgingly was convinced to engage in a game of Apples To Apples, which wasn’t as bad as I wanted it to be. Okay, fine, it was fun.

Everyone who came was in good spirits, which was nice. Somehow, I expected some of the drama lovers to attend, but they didn’t. Yay.

Even bigger news… I have a phone now! FINALLY. It has been several months since I last had a phone. I opted for a cell, since it doesn’t require that I be at home all the time. I am very happy with that decision.

Finances are on the way to normal. They aren’t there yet, but they definitely are going that way.

I am considering a second job. Heather would like me to go for the other theater chain in town, but just to go to free movies. I think I would like to try for Pier 1 or some such place.Continue Reading

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I have been feverishly trying to define myself. I have actually been doing a lot of non-Brian activities lately. I have a need to figure out what religion I am most aligned with… I don’t know why I have this need to define myself. I am usually satisfied with my beliefs being what they are and not needing to lock them into a pre-defined set of… whatevers. But I somehow need to know. I have discovered that I rest somewhere happily between non-Baptist protostant Christianity, Hinduism, & Judaism. Somehow, that makes sense finding that out. But I don’t know what to do with that information either. I went on this quest mainly to answer the question when asked, but I am no closer to doing that. The honest answer is confusing to most.

Meanwhile, the condo is not sold… I have made plans to visit Oklahoma in October… Work is good… Heather has a birthday soon… I got my invite to Dorothy & Sean’s wedding… I have been unsettlingly homesick… I am still broke… my tattoo design is not yet completed… Ashley & I are going to the fair next weeked and then she is taking me out to a glacier the following week… and life goes on.

I will include some things I have written soon. I have been at it again, which really means I have been a bit depressed. No worries though; depression is the only means to my self expression. My creative self will now be allowed out for a breath.

I miss the weirdest things.

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I really expected the loons to have migrated by now, but they are still around. They are quite creepy to hear, especially when they call at night. It just doesn’t sound like a bird. Lucille, the 86 year old woman upstairs, said they will leave just when it is about to freeze. No freezing in the immediate forecast, so my time here should be full of loon creepiness.

JD & Jess share a birthday tomorrow. I wish them both well and hate that I cannot be around to see them. I will really miss my friends when I move. Happy birthday to both of you.

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I think Daria summed it up nicely. And this newest adventure in my life is quickly becoming one of the most frustrating too. Things just never go smoothly and I think that from time to time they just should.

What the… am I talking about? Moving is expensive and stressful, regardless of the inherent beauty of the surrounding landscape. It just… sucks. Finding a job, finding an apartment, coming up with the money for the apartment, getting my stuff/cats up here, paying for gas/tires along the way. It is all just a little much to handle.

Plus, I feel completely responsible for this move. Yes, Justin and Lori are moving as well, but I feel like I caused the whole migration and now feel like I need to be the one who solves the problems involved. I have already gotten in trouble for that one!

I would love for the whole thing to be over!!! I want it to be December 1 and I have a job I love, an apartment I love, my condo sold, and life back to normal (or close to normal anyway). In the meantime, I dread the process!!!!Continue Reading

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It seems quite official — we are moving to Alaska. Lori has had a lot of luck in finding a job, but I still have nothing. I need to try just that much harder this week so I can find something. Justin seems equally ready to just “get the hell out of Dodge” so to speak. It seems we have reached a conclusion that this is where we want to be.

I have asked Brent for help, but I am not sure to what extent he can. It is a bad time to be moving and I know that one or two months ago would have proven easier on us. But we won’t soon forget the arduous trek across the continent, just to find something new. It will likely be one of the highlights of our time of the planet, regardless of the level of success we have in our new lives.

I will certainly regret a few things. I will terribly miss my friends who are so close, even if I rarely see them. Travis, JD, Kendra, Jerry, James, Shauna, Meghan, Sandra, Jill, Cindy, Brandy, Jonette, Christine, The Kim, and anyone whose name I left off (and I will feel bad for it later!). I love all of you and my home will always be welcome to you if you visit.

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We are here! Experiencing life in Alaska by way of vacation. Of course it is beautiful up here – that is pretty much common knowledge, but I didn’t expect such kind people. We arrived in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, searched the entire city of Anchorage for a hotel room (to no avail) and finally drove to Palmer and stayed in a motel there. That is where we are staying anyway. Palmer is the town where my dad grew up and we have been fortunate to be allowed to stay with one of his friends, Peter-Ann. She is so incredibly generous and I felt bad for being so quiet yesterday – I was just so tired.

Life does seem a little more laid back, especially out here in Palmer. I don’t know/don’t think it will be the same in Anchorage. I think we plan on going out there today to look for jobs and just see the town. I would be happy to find a job here, but the problem with small towns is that they rarely need more people. That won’t stop me from trying. All in all, I have found the experience so far very surreal. To look on a map, I am so far away from everything I am used to, but even here I feel at home. Being in Alaska doesn’t mean being in a foreign country – I guess that makes me sound a little ignorant, but somehow I always imagined it differently. But I do like it so far.

Jet lag being what it is, I am still a little tired – that was a long day of travel by anyone’s standards. We left Tulsa at 9:00a.m. for Dallas and then flew to Anchorage with a stop in Seattle. 6 hours of driving and 8 hours of flying… yikes. But the first leg of the flight was fun! It was Alaska Airlines inaugural flight from Dallas to Seattle. There was a buffet and Native Alaskan dancers at the gate in Dallas, a champagne toast, cake, and certificates on the plane. The crew was great and you could really tell that they love their airline. We did however get stuck with a motley crew of passengers around us. From the guy with part of an ear missing (which didn’t bother me for about 6 hours, but by that 8th hour I never wanted to see him or his ear again) to the woman with the back problem (she was 2 rows in front of us, but spent the ENTIRE flight from Dallas to Seattle turned around talking to a woman she didn’t know in a seat in front of us). It was interesting – and exhausting. The small kids directly behind us were the most quiet and well-behaved passengers around us.

So, I still don’t know if I want to live here permanently. I do tend to get a little homesick, but hope I will get used to the area in the next few weeks. I still feel like I need to be here. BUT I NEED A JOB TOO. I need to call my aunt. I haven’t heard from her in nearly 5 years so it will be weird to talk to her. She lives in Anchorage.

Life is going pretty well. I don’t yet know where I will be 2 months from now, but I know I will enjoy getting there. And I suddenly have an interest in Minnesota (IF Alaska doesn’t pan out like I wanted it to). The possibilities seem endless. I will write more soon and will include pictures as I get them.

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