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It seems I am now officially Alaska bound. I have discussed it with both Lori and Justin and they are both excited to go with me. Lori and I are flying up on the 12th to check it out before cementing our decision, but we are about 95% sure we are going. Of course, I am frantically trying to find a job and get everything packed. Regardless of what may happen, I do think I would like to move and sell my condo. It just seems like the thing to do right now.

I have a strong feeling that this move is the right thing to do and I can’t ignore that gut feeling. I will certainly miss a lot of what I have going on here, but I feel like I am being called there; pulled forward to a new destiny. It feels right. I hope the trip strengthens that feeling. I will be there for a month, which fell into my lap through the kindness of my dad’s friends.Continue Reading

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‘The time has come,’ the Walrus said,
‘To talk of many things:
Of shoes – and ships – and sealing-wax –
Of cabbages – and kings –
And why the sea is boiling hot –
And whether pigs have wings.’

Life just keeps changing on me. No, I am no longer at Barnes & Noble. And no, it isn’t by choice. I don’t really want to discuss it though and I hate having to tell people… especially my parents. Aside from feeling like a failure (having been with a company for 7 years and getting fired), I knew they would try to fix the situation, which isn’t what I want. I can generally solve my problems… my way. I don’t need to do everything their way. And that is a tough conversation to have. Ol’ confrontational me will never say anything.

Mind you, I do appreciate the advice, but the quick fix to my problem is irritating.

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead –
There were no birds to fly.

The world seems open with possibilities now, which is nice. I recently referred to B&N as a family, stating that families are good for two things: creating a sense of security and keeping you tied down. And that is true. I feel so free of the concerns I had at work. I don’t need to care about any of the day to day crap I dealt with there, but I shall deeply miss a lot of the people, not to mention making my own schedule. :pleased:

I have kicked around the idea of going back to school. I am interested and I am starting to gain focus on what I want to do, but I really dread doing it. I am interested in several things. Mainly, I want to work with the mentally ill (those with a chemical rather than physiological disorder) and their families. I would like to work in either a counseling, social work, or advocacy role for these individuals. This has been a calling of mine for a long time — since high school. I really feel that I can do the most good in this field. My other interest, which is totally unrelated, is Interior Design. It doesn’t have the human side that the other does, but it is likely to pay better, use my creative talents, and be very fun rather than challenging. I doubt that I would get the same satisfaction out of that.

I have been applying for any retail management jobs I can find. So far, I have been to Foley’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, Pier 1, & Borders. I have applied online at Babies R Us, Cracker Barrel, IKEA, Schurman Fine Papers, Blockbuster, & GameStop. Hopefully something will work out.

I am also trying to organize my people to create my web based business. I really want it to be successful, but I just need to people to do the work. I have been doing everything, which can take quite some time. I will release more information about it later… when I feel like I have a firm grasp on the concept.

Lastly, I want to be published. It doesn’t require a degree, but doesn’t pay anything until a publisher is interested. And I need to finish my book before a publisher will be interested.Continue Reading

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2004:
It is nearly over. I have survived, but I feel like just barely. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful and exhausting. I feel like I haven’t had any time to myself. Because I haven’t. I blog when I am alone and off work. It is my release, my sanctuary. But there has been none. It is done. Christmas behind us, we will be settling back into the day to day routine soon. I look forward to that time. It is funny how the times I so enjoyed as a child are the very ones that stress me out and I hate as an adult.

Belated:
I really must wish a happy birthday to a few people. I missed the actual days, and I am sorry for that. Conner and Nick both had birthdays on the 20th, Sandra on the 22nd, Jesus on the 25th… hmm. I know there were some others. I can’t think what they were. Hmm.

Now that things have settled and the “holidays” are over, I will write more this week.Continue Reading

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…
I should be sleeping, but I find myself up thinking about getting old, or maybe just death. I am a little blue, but I know that I am not alone. I so desperately wish I could be alone in this sometimes. A friend e-mailed me the other day to tell me that his paternal grandpa and his maternal grandma are both in poor health. Very poor. It breaks my heart that he is dealing with the things I have struggled with. Honestly, this friend has had more than his fair share of struggles in his life. I want to give him a big hug.

Papa isn’t doing that well… it makes me feel guilty and sad. I am not sure I could handle anything happening to him right now. It would tear me up. He has back problems, which are not serious, but he has started feeling old, which is worse.

When John died, I has hoped that I would never deal with death again, knowing that was stupid… I just don’t know what I have left. I already do a great deal of pushing people away. More abandonment might cause a great break down. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I know that Papa isn’t doing that well, so I have visited less. It doesn’t help that the house makes me sad because Mimi should be there. Age is such a cruel joke. If you can make it through this life, you will be rewarded with death. How much sense does that make. I wish we didn’t get old – I don’t necessarily mind aging per se, but I don’t want people to die.

I hope Travis understands how much I love him and I will keep his family in my thoughts and prayers. I have so many thoughts in my head, but I am so tired that I will have to come back to them when I am not fighting with my sleep.Continue Reading

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Random Thoughts To People I Know:

•I do usually know, Lori. Maybe I can put in a camera!
•Break a leg, Meg. Or at least have a good time.
•Jessica Cassesa! Where have you been?!? We need to shop!
•It was strange and nice to catch up, Robby.
•Travis? Do I know someone named Travis?
•Jess, things are not looking good. See me for details.
•I miss you, Christine.
•Meghan… the hair… wtf?
•Good luck with the living situation, Nick & Sarah.
•Justin, I am very sleepy and I want to watch TV.
•I don’t really want to mess with Christmas, Brent & Laurisa.
•When will I see you again, Ren?
•I love that you work at my store now, Shauna.
•I might be secretely stalking you, Meghan. One can never be sure.
•Christine! You must want your DVD back. I’m a horrible person!!!
•Lori, I want to make some stuff… really.
•Jill, I went to get that movie for you, but it was way expensive!!!
•Jerr…?
•Oh, Shauna, sorry I didn’t say Good Morning the other day. It hurt to.
•Can’t wait to work with you on Tuesday, Meghan!
•Justin, I am mad at you!!! No reason.
•Brad, are you ever actually online?
•You make me smile, John (venusunfolding).
•Can I borrow that one movie, Jilly???
•Brandy, I will let you borrow the kd lang CD. You didn’t get it just for being a lesbian like you wanted.
•JD. Just JD.
•I can’t wait to see you again, Troy. It has been too long.
•I love you, Jobeth.
•Travis who?Continue Reading

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Yay!

I have been having the most wonderfully fantastic day today. No reason at all. I just love life today and this all makes me believe that I am becoming my parents, bipolar disorder and all. A customer gave me a verbal award for being the nicest music seller anywhere in town, John (our receiving manager) got me a small gift just to be nice, and Meghan worked with me. She was also in an obnoxiously good mood today. I was just so grand to be alive, even though I was hacking and sneezing all day!!! I am super excited about getting some stuff done tomorrow and then I can relax. I might even turn my heat on! I was waiting until December and it will be December tomorrow.

Being sick doesn’t suck so much today… I will soon be going to Lori’s for some Amazing Race fun. Calm, quiet fun…

Meghan:

Meghan is one of the most wonderful people I know. She is just too much. Avert your eyes anyone who knows me or anyone who knows Meghan… It is just a shame she isn’t a gay boi (*wink wink*) or that she is an employee…(because I am not technically supposed to hang out with her)… I really think she is fantastic!Continue Reading

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Thankful:

First, I would like to say that I am thankful for so many things. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent. I sometimes don’t allow myself to enjoy my family, but I really do. It is nice to feel that relaxed around people. I am thankful for my cousins, who are becoming such wonderful people. I am thankful for my brothers and their families. I am thankful for my uncle, even when he really annoying. I am thankful for my grandpa (Papa) who was too quiet this year. I wish him speedy recovery on his back. I am especially thankful for having the greatest parents ever. They are both as much friends as parents. I enjoy them so much. Their house can be too hectic for me though, with the children always under foot.

The day was so great. We watched Will & Grace, visited, and played with the kids all day at my parents’ house. Gradually, everyone made their way down to my grandpa’s house. We started with 15 and by the time I left for my grandpa’s, only my dad was left. We had the best and most moist turkey I have ever had!!! It just fell apart as the knife touched it, so no need to slice it at all. I sat at the kids’ table, where I have sat my entire life. Really, we all are. That table is, and has always been Opie, Annie, myself, and some combination of others including Becky, Brad, Brent, etc. The actual kids are still too young to sit off by themselves. It was just an excellent day.

So, Where Has Brian Been???

Nowhere. I have just not been on the computer that much. I guess life is just boring lately. Not that I have been bored. I do have opinions on that. I want a boyfriend. I want to feel loved. I am scared of looking… scared to death of trying… of putting myself out there. I miss my gay friends. This is really where gay friends come in handy. I am lonely and I don’t like it at all. Blah. I am basically content with my life otherwise. I do need to get on here and just blog already!!! I sometimes forget that my friends check this to see what is going on… Travis.

Work:

Speaking of work, Shauna is working at my store as of earlier this week!!! It is so nice to see her face at work. I so miss living with her and James. I wish things never changed and you could just stay close to everyone.

This is the weekend of weekends at work. I am looking forward to the craziness. I am a little worried that our manager will be exhausting and frantic, but overall it should be fun.Continue Reading