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Wednesday
Stayed up too late and then slept most of the day away. I had some fantastic dreams, but all I can remember is that they were great. I have no details left from them. Oh well. I guess I wouldn’t have done anything productive with my day anyhow, so the oversleeping doesn’t matter.

Family:
Mom called last night in between movies. There is a lot going on. My parents bought 20 acres of land, my dad was offered a job, KC’s birthday is Friday, Mom’s is Monday, Stan has invited everyone to Dallas for Thanksgiving, which leaves my family to do our own thing in Stillwater. I actually prefer that. I don’t have the time to go to Dallas, so I would have been at home anyway. My parents are living out my dad’s dream of buying land and building a home on it. They plan on keeping 5 of the 20 they got.

Movies:
Lori and I watched Sleepy Hollow, The Blair Witch Project, and Starship Troopers last night. It was insane, but we already planned to watch some more movies tonight. I want to watch Sliding Doors and Used People, so we’ll see if I can get my way on those.Continue Reading

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Happy C******s Day, all!
I am feeling kinda weird today. I spent the day feeling sick because I started eating. I should have done it more gradually, but I rushed into it. Oh well. I was back at work today after a 4 day vacation. It was a little irritating seeing what didn’t get done, but I will just crack the whip this week. I do have a new employee who I work with tomorrow. My department doesn’t have the turn over the rest of the store has so a new person is a big deal. I did discover that the DVD section needs to be further expanded, which is both frustrating and exciting because the section started out so small and has taken over.

Movies:
Lori and I are watching movies again. Sleepy Hollow and Ernest Scared Stupid (unless I can get out of that one somehow). I did see the USA Frankenstein movie last night. It was okay, but I wanted more. It sould have been a mini series instead. They tried to cram too much in. Edit 11:54: We ended up watching Underworld, which Jess had. It was okay. I am not that interested in Vampires and Werewolves, but it was appropriate. I made meatloaf, which took forever to cook (because I turned the heat down instead of up when I need to). I think it made it more moist. It was sooo good. I enjoy throwing stuff together, but I never cook. It was the second time in the three years I have known Lori & Jess that I cooked for them. Not that meatloaf really counts either. It was a good evening.Continue Reading

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The Ends Refuse To Meet!
I think it is official, boys and girls. Brian is going to need a second job. I have really tried to make it without over the past year, putting things off, taking out loans, paying what I could. But in the end, it just seems that I really need more money. Mind you, I don’t like thinking about money as much as this, but I really have no choice.

After refiguring my budget, I discovered that my bills are higher than my current salary, which sucks. I will collect applications this weekend from retail stores near my store and hopefully can make it work somehow. I hate it, but what can you do. I think it will be okay, but I really want to hold on to everything. I have resisted for so long, but now I must grow up.

I would also love to have a roommate again, but that will not happen. My trusty “need-a-place-to-live” friends both have boyfriends now and are living with them. I am happy for them, but I didn’t do a good job of becoming independant before that happened. Blah.

I know there is not way of getting rich quick, but I welcome any ideas on making extra cash in addition to the second job. I don’t want to lose my house over my own stupidity, nor do I want to leave my current job. However, if an opportunity arises and I need to choose between my home and a job I like, I will be forced to leave the company I love. I wish there was an easy answer. Update (Sunday, Sept 26): I applied at Walgreens. I picked up applications for Petco, Ross, Deals, & Joann. Michaels was chaotic and out of apps. I might try Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Old Navy, Petsmart, Kohl’s, Wal-Mart, or a mall store tomorrow. If anyone has information on any of these places, let me know. Thanks.

Friends:
I e-mailed Cindy, Jerry’s sister, yesterday. It was nice to hear from her after so long. She is such a fun person. I hope to get in touch with Jerry again soon. I haven’t heard from him since January and we weren’t in a good place then. I hate all of that and want to just talk again. He really is important to me.

Jessica and I updated her site last night. It was fun and it turned out pretty well. I don’t like writing in CSS as well as I liked HTML, but I think the result makes it worth it to do so. Her page looks nice now. Plus, changes should be pretty easy for her to make.

Justin and I need to discuss the fact that he never calls unless he needs me to check the mail for him. I know he is busy, but c’mon.Continue Reading

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Friends:
I got this amazing card from a friend early early early this morning when I finally got home from work (2:30 a.m.). Essentially, the card stated that I have things together in my life while that isn’t true of everyone. I think I see the perspective intended, but I don’t totally agree. I think that different things are important to different people. For me, money is not important. Yes, I do need it to pay the bills, but I don’t let it run my life. That isn’t to say I have any. Owning a home was also a priority of mine. Having purchased a home and not worrying about money when I don’t have to, my life seems to be fine. Again, just because I don’t complain about money doesn’t mean I have any. And although I can take care of my two cats without thought, I can’t keep a plant alive to save my life.

Other things have more value to friends than they do to me. As money is a concern, sometimes going back to school is a priority. Or getting a promotion. It isn’t that my life is any more in order. It is just different. I still am a mess. I can’t keep my house clean, bills paid on time, and I have never had a boyfriend. Those things get me down from time to time. But I can look to this friend or that one and find them executing those things with ease and it gives me hope that I can someday do the same.

I really loved the letter because it is good to hear what others think of you when you feel like a royal fuck-up most of the time. I hope all the people in my life realize how much I care about them. At the risk of being sappy and a little silly, I think I should tell some of the people in my life what I admire about them.

Justin: You have overcome so much and are such an interesting person. I really love how close you are to your sister, at times willing to drop everything to help her out with the kids. I am so happy that you have found someone, even if it reminds me that I haven’t. It gives me hope that I can someday. I admire your job and the hard work involved.

Travis: Thank you for being my friend for so long and through so many personal traumas. It has really helped. I wish I had your drive in school. Maybe then I would have done something more than retail. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but teaching may be a bit more rewarding. It drives me up the wall most of the time, but I actually admire the way you budget and save your money. I really just appreciate you on so many levels.

Lori: Girl, you really are my “Grace.” I love how you are determined to move up in the world. I admire the honesty you have with yourself concerning money, health, and love. I love that you lower standards for nobody and you are steadfast in your beliefs and morals. You are such a dedicated worker that I feel like I am doing so little by comparison. I love that you are so full of empathy and that you will sit and listen when I need that.

Jessica: …don’t be upset for this… I am so profoundly amazed at how courageous you are in spite of a complete lack of parental involvement in your adult life. It is wonderful that you are sure enough of yourself to go on, complaining only mildly. I love your sense of humor and sense of fun. You are such a neat person to be around.

JD: You really have it together. Really. You have my taste, Travis’ budgeting ability, and a child on top of it. You might be the happiest person I have ever met and my life has been so full because of you. I admire your absolute devotion to Kendra, your humor, your compassion. You are the person I wish I could be with sometimes.

Jerry: who will never read this… I really miss you. I don’t know where you are, since your boyfriend won’t let you talk to me, but I do miss you. You were my first gay friend and got me through coming out to my parents. I really admire that you never take shit from anyone.

Everyone else: There are things about everyone I love. That is why you are my friends. That includes xanga friends, John, Jim, Robby, & the rest. It includes work friends, Christine, Meghan, Jill, Brandy, Ray, & the rest. Love to all!!!

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Apathy:
I think it is taking me more to be apathetic and lazy than it would to actually do something. I don’t like that. I would love to just clean and work out and write and pay bills. All those things I just don’t get around to because I am too busy wasting as much time doing literally nothing. I guess the first step is admitting there is a problem.

I also feel bad because I know I owe Justin some money, but haven’t gotten around to giving it to him even though I have it. Oh well.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not in a bad mood or anything like that. I am actually feeling good that I have made a mental effort at least. I think that so much had been going on that I just wished I could be a kid and not deal with this whole life thing. It is fine though…

Things I Love:
(for those who thought I was down because of the hate list…)
•I love popcorn
•I love Madonna
•I love feeling infinite
•I love privacy
•I love watching movies
•I love eating cinnamon candy until my tongue burns.
•I love my iMac
•I love having brothers
•I love planning projects I will never finish.
•I love just being with Travis and not having to talk.
•I love Sonic
•I love looking at myself in the mirror when I am cute.
•I love smoking cloves
•I love Sanrio
•I love imagining having a boyfriend
•I love reading
•I love eating squash
•I love dandelions
•I love remembering walking home from school with Carla (and sometimes Bonnie).
•I love candlelight
•I love letting JD & Lori talk.
•I love Christmas (secretly)
•I love buying clothes
•I love my kibbies (cats) Molly & Franz
•I love ginger (cookies, mints, toothpaste, ale/beer)
•I love remembering first grade, the year I was in a wheelchair from Legg Perthes and having to learn to walk again.
•I love the smell of laundry
•I love being fairly simple
•I love IKEA
•I love Earl Grey tea
•I love Roseanne (TV)
•I love when it is really really cold and I can pull a blanket over myself and watch Little Women.
•I love Shout Color Catchers
•I love the trip I took to France
•I love music

Updates to Love:
•I love it when Jess makes cookies for me (and it’s not about the cookies…)
•I love Justin’s made up words
•I love how Jerry understands me so much and we can talk for hours (I miss him so much it hurts)
•I love work
•I love Xanga friends (I am not just saying that either!), specifically, but not limited to venusunfolding, goofynuttyboy, confess_or_explode, imanalien, TheBlahBook, tonys_2k2, upandoutward, jrat, Ice_Falcon

Obviously, I knew I had left people in my life out. I sorry. The original list was totally off the top of my head.Continue Reading

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???
I know, I know… I have been missing in action. Actually, I was having Internet issues, but spent the weekend watching DVDs at Lori’s so I didn’t worry about it. I just called and got it fixed.

Sunday in the car with Lori:
Lori and I spent all night watching Big Brother 3 DVDs Saturday night. We finally decided to sleep at 8:45 Sunday morning. We settled for a nap really. I was up and about by noon. She had come over, tried to figure out the computer problem, and decided to go back to her house. I could see that something was troubling her. So, I told her I wanted to go thrift store shopping and she was coming with me. She told me that she wasn’t dressed for it, to which I replied “then go get that way.” We had fun trying to find Goodwill, a particular one anyway. Before finding it, we discovered this kinda skanky thrift store where everything is 50% off. I usually think such places are ridiculous. They almost always clearly mark the prices twice what the items are worth. But this one was done well. The prices were similar to other thrift stores, but then you took off half. I loaded up on sweaters. I got some nice ones. We then went to Goodwill, where I found some corduroy pants and drapes. They are God-awful blue on white almost damask, almost toile, vinyl textured things. I also got yellow and pink ones in the same pattern. They are so bad that they are perfect for my house and I might just grow to love them. Lori scored a cute sweater that I swear she already owns and a sweatshirt. I actually really liked the sweatshirt… It has the cricket green couch on the front and the shirt is mint green. Weird, but fun. We then went to Don Pablo’s for lunch. I love fish tacos, but the ones there aren’t my favorites. They were okay, but not as good as say Atomic Burrito. Then we went back to her house and watched Will & Grace DVDs. It was an excellent day.Continue Reading

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Family:
I talked to my mom last night. I felt bad that I couldn’t go to the cookout they had tonight. My issues really! I did find out what had gone wrong the other day. Apparently, her medications had a negative reaction with one another. She didn’t even know who she was, let alone what she was doing. Her doctor was surprised she was even able to get out of bed. Her response was that sometimes, she wasn’t. All should be better now. The drugs she is on now are more compatible with one another. I am super happy. It was the second time in the past six months that she sounded normal. I am a jerk for not making plans to go over there tonight… Oh well. I will have to next weekend.

Friends:
Everyone was having a good time this weekend, while I pretty much just slept. I always assume that my body needs the sleep if I do that. It really must. I wish I could have gone to Travis’ this weekend, but really need to soon. I need to get away again. And I still have a ton of vacation to use up. Did I whine about not getting an extra day off this week yet? I also really want to help Travis with his house and I have some great ideas. I hope he goes for them. Everything I thought of really says Travis and Sandra to me…

Me:
I think I would make the best boyfriend…
(okay, if I didn’t whine so much!!!)Continue Reading