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Life Has Been Boring!!!
I haven’t really done much lately, with the exception of sleeping! Justin has been coming over more often, which has been nice. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend any time alone. It hasn’t been that bad though. But I have had a lot going on. Nothing exciting, but a lot. I would love to hear from Travis, but I haven’t in quite some time.

How Does My Garden Grow?
It doesn’t. At all. I miss that about having a house. Mowing is the part I don’t miss, but I can only get them together. Oh well. I would love to grow some veggies. I don’t really care about flower gardening, but growing food would be pretty cool.

Christmas:
Even though I don’t care much for Christmas this year, I have decided to go ahead and decorate. I don’t know what, but something fun and exciting! I want it to be uber-kitschy, but I am not sure what I want. Any ideas would be appreciated.Continue Reading

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Christian Indeed!

I have mentioned it many times, but I just want to say it again. What is wrong with people??? I live in “the buckle of the Bible Belt” and see a huge amount of hypocracy daily. Since everyone here in Tulsa claims to be a Christian, I am often ashamed to say that I am and have resorted to not saying it at all. It pains me to claim similar beliefs with people who seem so judgemental and hateful. I know that I am doing the same thing, judging them, but I still have a hard time with those who cannot walk the walk. Christian seems to be a term used by many as a substitute for conservative and/or close-minded. But I think those people need to look at the word and realize that it simply means someone who follows the teachings of Christ. The teachings of Christ do not include judgement or exclusion of others. They do not include hate for anyone. They are about one’s personal commitment of that person’s actions. Nobody should have anything to say about the way I live my life except for me and God. This means that you random so-called Christian do not get to decide that being gay is wrong or right. Unless of course you are 100% without sin. It is at that time that I will start accepting your advice on living my life and my walk in my faith.

Religion, Faith, Or Spirituality…?

I am not religious at all. I think to be so is silly (no offense to those who are). Being locked into dogma and ritual does not suit my finicky life and is therefore not welcome into it. Although I share the beliefs of other Christians, I do not claim to be one for reasons stated above as well as the following: stating ones religion automatically brings with it certain stereotypes. I don’t want to be held to certain beliefs that I don’t necessarily agree with.

Faith and Spirituality are a different matter all together. I am strong in both and I don’t often discuss them. I just am so rarely on the same wavelength that I cannot bear to defend myself all the time.

Have I Changed So Much?

I spent the evening with Serenity, James, Shauna, Bryce, etc. It was a lot of fun! We started at the bowling alley, where I bowled 131. Out of the 11 of us, I was 4th. I never bowl, so it was really great fun. Rennie and I got beers, making the evening even better. I also never drink. After, we went back to James & Shauna’s house. Shauna fed me, we visited, and then played Scene It. It is okay, but made me realize how out of touch I am with movies. I knew almost none of the answers. Blah.

Thing is that I felt a little out of touch with them. I haven’t spent time with them for about 2 years, and it had been a while at that point. I really didn’t think that I had changed since then, but the fact that I related very little made me realize that I had. Why is it that I am always changing into someone new, leaving my friends behind, no longer having the same things in common?

I guess it doesn’t matter. We seemed to be able to find enough things to talk about to keep ourselves amused. I even got along alright with Bryce, which had never happened when I lived with them. He is Shauna’s brother and was a source of tension at that time. It was nice to just get along with him. It was also very nice to see Serenity (Rennie), who has become my blog buddy. I actually just read through her blog occasionally, but it is fun to know she is always there.Continue Reading

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Things and Rumors of Things:
The crazy lady gave Lori a Longaberger basket, which is a funny story. It was a good day at work. Busy, but good. Hopefully, we can have everything in order by tomorrow (or at the very least next Monday). I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong, as my manager has been quiet around me recently, but I think she is just frantic to get the store ready for the holidays.

I made Meghan yelp several times today, which was great fun. I just love working with the people back in music lately. I guess that sounds wrong — like I enjoy tormenting the poor dears, but I think they are a lot of fun. And it helps that they are all pretty darn productive as well. Good good good.

Renee is rumored to have a blog. I will investigate momentarily, but will finish this post first.

I am interested in reading The Stupidest Angel so if you have read it let me know what you thought. Marla and Nancy both enjoyed it and I am waiting for Nancy to loan it to me. It looks really funny. I am also interested in reading the newest Push books. I can’t remember the titles at the moment. And I would like to read both Salt and Cod. I really need some money because I also want several CDs. Britney Spears, Shania Twain, & Elton John all had CDs today that I would like to get. Rufus Wainwright has one coming soon. I also want Friends Season 8 (the first one I didn’t get on the release date), A Home At The End Of The World, Shrek 2, Harry Potter 3, Rudolph, Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas, Without A Trace Season 1, and Profiler Seasons 1-4. A 4th job might cut it, but I never found a second. Oh well…

Lori and The Mysteries Surrounding Her:
My sincerest apologies to Lori, who I know felt slighted by me lately. I have been aloof, but not for any reason. I think that I just get locked into new routines easily and when I got sick and then Lori went to Houston, I got locked into just sitting around watching TV because that is all I did for those 2 weeks. If forced, I can alter what I do from day to day, but unless it is necessary, I just do the same ol’ thing. Not at all about Lori, who was the focus of my previous routine. I am much like my father…

Again, sorry. It isn’t about you, Lori. Neither is it to be considered a lack of consideration. Blah blah blah… same old story.

House:
The kitchen is clean.

I want a digital camera that works so I can post more pictures…. Sigh…Continue Reading

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Sleep:
I slept for 20 hours again. Something is very wrong. Maybe depression. Maybe just fatigue. I seem to never feel tired, but sleep too long when I finally do fall asleep. It is okay, but I am sorry to Lori who was expecting my help today. It wasn’t my intention to sleep all day. Oh well. (by today, I mean Sunday). I feel like I need to catch up, so I am thrilled that I only have 3 shifts to work before I have a week off from work. Maybe I can level out my sleep patterns in that time.

Vacation:
Suddenly there is a lot to do in the small time I have off. I plan on going to Stillwater to see my family on Thursday and Friday. Saturday is Nathan’s 2nd birthday party and I will be going over to James & Shauna’s house for that. Rennie is supposed to be there, which will be great. I really miss all of them and hope we can start communicating more often. I would like to spend a couple of days hanging out and therefore not having any plans to go anywhere. I can do that Sunday and Monday. It should be nice and it all starts when I get off work on Wednesday.

Same Ol’ Story:
My house needs to be cleaned as usual. I wish my mind worked like Lori’s. Her house is always clean and she doesn’t seem to stress too much over it.

Top 10 Stores I Would Shop At If I Had Money (or shop at more):
1. Saks Fifth Avenue
2. Banana Republic
3. IQ Furniture
4. Pottery Barn
5. Urban Outfitters
6. IKEA
7. Vertigo
8. Pier 1
9. Ultimate Electronics
10. Sears

I am generally happy with my financial situation, but if I had the money to shop at these places I would gladly do so. As it is, for what I want they remain mostly out of my range. That is okay though.Continue Reading

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Lament For Tooth #30:

It is done. Satisfied with the amount of decrease in infection, Dr. Coffey gassed me, gave me shots, and ripped my quickly dying tooth from my jaw. The process was not too bad actually. The hygienist was very nice, which always helps. Unfortunately, I require multiple shots before achieving numbness. That only made the wait take longer. When I was as numb as I was getting, he worked to pry the tooth loose, which it was not interested in.  Some impromptu surgery and sutures later, the tooth is completely gone. Then came the bleeding. It only took me 3 or 4 hours to get the clot to form, which I am telling myself is normal. Now I am just supposed to take it easy for 24 hours, which should be easy (considering that is all I do with my life usually).

Why would I want to hang on to a part of my body that didn’t have the courtesy to stay alive? Seriously though, the dentist and the nurse who wrapped stuff up both offered me the black and shattered tooth remnants. Yes, those would go great with my body parts collection. Or maybe with my collection of old broken things that have died. No thank you. I do not want to keep the tooth.

It always irritates me when I have to come back. Next week the sutures will come out and a comprehensive exam of my teeth will be completed so that a long term treatment plan can be established to both fill the gap in my teeth and have fillings reset to prevent losing the other 5 teeth that are in the same danger. I don’t know that he understood that I want as much done by December 31 as possible because I met my deductible the other day for 2004. I still say it is stupid that teeth don’t rank as a medical expense.

Sleepy:

Codeine is one of the nicest parts of any medical visit, dentist of otherwise. It does make me sleepy though. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to wait on my hand and foot instead of being at my parents’ house waiting for chili I know I won’t like and not being able to sleep because the menu for the Shrek DVD will not allow me to sleep.

I need a man for more reasons than that. There was a guy in today that made me realize that I may have moved on from bois to men. He was in his 40s, very built, but with no neck. He was very attractive to me. But then I was thinking about how I wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of man.

Family:

I am at my parents’ house, as I said, which I love because I grew up in this house. I have been the most against selling this house as my parents looked for somewhere else to live, but I like the idea if it means building our very own homestead.

Conner has been so great today. He told me this story about his uncle John (my sister-in-law’s brother) scaring him as a wolf at the downtown trick-or-treat night. It was cute, but being the defiant kid he is made sure that I understood that he hit Uncle John. Today was also the first time Conner called me Uncle Brian. It was nice, as Conner has always called me Brent.

I can’t sleep here. If it had the walls, carpet, furniture, accessories, appliances, or smell it had while I was growing up it would be more relaxing. But it is not. Everything has changed (even the toilet and tub!) I can’t wait to drive home and sleep in my own bed for the rest of the day.

Gifts:

Am I the gayest person on the planet??? I have gotten what I need to make pillows, throws, and/or sachets. It will be nice to save money and have given something so meaningful.

Let It All Out:

I am on a roll with pissing people off. So, here goes again. A few weeks ago, I mentioned a secret that I kept until now from my friends. Specifically, Lori and Jess who would be most affected by the news. I went dancing the night we went out for Jess’ birthday. I went after I refused to be the DD. But that is a major part of my point.

Jim called at 11:30. He and his boyfriend were to be at the Majestic in 30 minutes. It had been so long that I put myself together and met them there, where I danced away.

I never want to be a DD. If it comes up, then fine, but I don’t want to be asked to go somewhere just because I have decided to not drink. I am nobody’s bitch. Again, I don’t mind helping out, but these things must be on my own terms.Continue Reading

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Lori:

I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.

Weird:

Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.

Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.

I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.

Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.

Being Alone:

I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.

Hurt:

My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?

Justin Things:

I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.

I LOVE YOU

You see me as I wish I were.

You hear what I really mean,

And not only what I say;

You always know how I feel.

You help me be a better person.

Bradley Tyler

It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.

Prayers:

Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.

Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.Continue Reading

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Book(s):
I got and plan on starting Closet Case by Robert Rodi. I am interested in all of his books, but that one really sounded like the best. I really need to read more, but I need to get new glasses. I can barely see. It makes it frustrating to try and read anything.

Friends:
I love friends. Justin came over and watched Clash Of The Titans with me the other day. I think I am officially over that movie. Once upon a time I loved it, but I guess I have moved on with my life. Anyway, we later went to Wal-Mart, where we both had to pick up copies of The Day After Tomorrow, which we thought got a bad rap just because the wolves looked ridiculously fake. It was good for what it was and that is all it should be judged on. It was great formula disaster, better than made for TV, but certainly not the best of its kind. I dropped him off at his house and he went in to get my DVDs I had loaned him and Patrick. When he returned, he had a snapdragon in a starter pot, which he offered me. It was weird and a little funny. I took it and when I returned home I planned on giving it to Lori. As I walked by her house, her living room light went out so I quickly ran up and knocked on the door… no answer. So I unlocked the door and sat the plant in an obvious place and left. I am tired of giving people gifts. They appreciate them, but I don’t necessarily want them to. I am turning into my dad, giving things away all the time. It is exhausting when you are at any store and everything reminds you of someone you know. I should just not buy!!!

Shauna (ex roommate), Nathan (her kid), and Bryce (her brother) came into the store on Friday. It was nice to see them. It had been a very long time. I really miss James (Shauna’s husband) though. I really connected well with him when I lived with them, but haven’t seen him in a long time and I miss him. He is very much a homebody, not even wanting to venture beyond his house for long, so it is hard to see him without going over there. I should just go.

Haven’t seen Jess in a while, but I am sure work is keeping her busy lately.

Birthdays:
KC had her 1st birthday Friday. Meghan shared the day as her 21st. Franz, my cat, shared the same day as his 3rd. Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. I will be in Stillwater later today to celebrate. Brent and Laurisa (my brother and sister-in-law) will be in town too. I hardly ever see them now that they live an hour in the other direction of my parents. I also haven’t seen Jason since he was born. It will be a fun day. I hope if I take a movie my mom and I will be able to watch it in peace at some point. No more birthdays until November after this one.

Health:
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I am one of those dentist fearing people. I don’t really understand it, but I just don’t really like going. I have an abscess so I hope that I will have a tooth removed. It really needs to go. I hate that such a small thing can impact my overall sense of well being. It makes me feel sick all over!!!

Observation I made at work: Our inability to keep paper from cutting our skin is the dumbest thing ever. God seriously needs to rethink that whole thing. I was ringing someone up and the cover on the book he was buying sliced very easily into my finger… ouch!!!

Work:
Things seem to be getting much better. It is great to have employees who support me. I am impressed with everyone in my department at the moment and it really feels great. They are the best!!! I again enjoy my job and I am grateful for that.

Audacity: We have a man who keeps coming in the store and harassing a certain person in my department. He started out as a shoplifter, but has recently started only coming in to just show that we as a store do not scare him. Although he does not have the opportunity to steal, he does have an opportunity to make people uncomfortable. It is to the point that I wish I didn’t have to schedule certain people alone, but can’t penalize them for the actions of one asshole. I am just venting as I can see no way to get rid of him. Our store is willing to call the police on him, but he flees before it ever gets to that. It is aggravating.Continue Reading