By:
On:
With: 1 Comment

I live alone again. I’m trying to be okay with that and think I am coming to terms with it. David was right. This is better for both of us, but that isn’t the point. I miss him. I miss Jo-da. I miss the sounds of another person in the house. But everything will be fine.

I moved into David’s old apartment. It is a large space and suits me well. The neighborhood is a bit too quiet, but the neighbors aren’t overly inquisitive, which is nice. I hate feeling watched.

Work has been irritating. It has seemed much busier than it has been and I feel like I am constantly behind. Welcome to the holiday shopping season!

Heather got moved too. I feel bad for abandoning her and finding my own place, but she has been really nice about it. That almost makes me feel worse about it though. She has found a place to stay — with some of my favorite people in Anchorage. Things are going to work out for her.

Life feels right at the moment. I’m really trying to stay in the moment and not focus too much in either direction — past or future. Being as here as I can be is good. Being happy with myself is my only goal and I am getting there… slowly, but surely.

I really miss my family right now. The next few months will be rough without a visit. And I need to call Brandy, who came to visit me and has yet to hear from me. I have too much to do.

I haven’t found my France journal yet. I was in the middle of putting it on here and misplaced it during my move to David’s. I will try to locate that this week and resume writing about my experiences. I wanted to be done with that by the end of this year.

If anyone has any great ideas for what I could do with my other website, let me know.Continue Reading

By:
On:
With: 3 Comments

{aka the eve of travis’ birth}

Happy day to all. This is a day to celebrate those who have died… not to mourn them. Enjoy the day and do something that reminds you of someone you’ve lost. It’ll be good for you. I’m thinking about JoBeth’s sweaters today. They still make me smile.

I’m moving again soon. This time, it will increase my online time rather than decrease it. I’m not sure when it is supposed to happen, but this month. I’ll send a round of cards to let everyone know where they can find me. I know that stalking me is hard when I move this much, but I promise to keep you in the loop.

By:
On:
With: 2 Comments

I feel like a little kid who threw a fit last night. Honestly, that wasn’t my intention. I was frustrated, angry, and sad. I couldn’t shake it and felt like I was about to cry in the living room. That would have been embarrassing since Jeff was over and he and David (well… and I) were watching a movie. I got up and went down stairs and didn’t return. I don’t really know what happened either. Or I do. I ended up turning up some music too loud so the world would melt away. When I had calmed myself sufficiently, I went to bed. I didn’t hear from David, but I can see how it would look for him. I doubt he noticed all that much actually. Being alone is suddenly hard, despite my 28 years of experience. Having other people flaunt their happiness in front of me is frustrating.

This morning I feel fine. No lingering resentment. I think I must have just been too tired to deal with things. And I felt like I was intruding on their evening, even though I had been invited to be there with them to watch the movie.

I don’t really know what all of this means… if anything at all.

By:
On:
With: 2 Comments

I was about to go to bed when I decided to check my e-mail. To my surprise, I had a comment on my site (this one). Those comments are fairly rare. I was delighted to see that the comment was from a familiar name too: Jerry. My mind started racing about the possibilities of this being the Jerry I knew from so long ago. I hoped, but doubted that it would be as I opened up the message. The tone was telling.

I was instantly glued to my computer, thoughts of doing other things long forgotten as I pieced together the events (in my head) that might lead the fairly aloof Jerry to actually seek me out after over a year of no contact at all. Mind you, this is not that unusual for him, but what struck me was how different this was. It had moved beyond the casual keeping tabs and into a more obvious longing to reconnect — really reconnect. Of course, I had time to get through only a sentence or two before I received an IM.

It was Jerry. Stunned, I barely knew how to exist in the moment and we shared with each other the contents of our hearts. It was one of the easiest and more genuine conversations I have had in recent years. In the span of only a few minutes, years of bitterness were replaced by the happiest memories from my adult life.

Those days, nearly ten years ago, were magical. They were full of life and possibility and of Jerry. It was a time when I was discovering what it was to be myself. It was a time when the financial concerns always took a backseat to the emotional concerns. It was the beginning. I miss it.

Life has marched forward, despite everyone’s best efforts to keep it from doing so. The paths of friends, including Jerry’s, have not been the same as mine and keeping up had been fairly passive of both of us. Being aware of a new address hardly holds to the magic of such youthful times.

I feel like a piece of me has been put back in place. Like a portion of my soul that had been missing was at last found and given back to me. I feel more whole than I have in a while. I can’t wait to see what levels of self-discovery come from this.Continue Reading

By:
On:
With: 1 Comment

Last Thursday, David Eugene turned 37. He might threaten bodily harm for revealing that, but it is not a secret. I think that is a really nice age to be. I hope I agree with that statement when I turn 37, but it seems a nice age to me at the moment. I’ve felt rather uncomfortable in my 20’s. I think I have really been waiting to age — like some sort of fruit that needs to ripen to be appreciated. My skin just has felt wrong. Don’t get me wrong now; basically, I have been content with my life, even finding moments of great pleasure in these past 8 years. It just doesn’t feel right yet. I’m sorry that David feels older than he’d like to be. For his birthday, we worked a very long day and then went to Gallo’s for a little merriment. Pictured are Sherri, me, David, & one of the Donnas. Donna’s daughter and a friend were also there. I love small crowds of interesting people. If we didn’t have to get up so early the next morning, that night could have gone on for hours.

Man, I have been so sick lately. I woke up Sunday feeling horrible. It has slowly gotten better, but I have had a sore throat, fever, headache, and I have been exhausted. I barely moved from bed for 2 days (and by bed I mean couch).

untitled (‘evil’)

Perhaps we expect too much of the dead
assuming their now saintly statuses —
dooming former loved ones to watch us

The cats are restless
stirring as they do when I need
to be lost in thought
They are minions sent to keep
me from discovering my true self
sent to distract me from revealing
the mysteries in my soul

They will fail

Is all of existence a vessel of evil?
Maybe it is just me, here, now
that needs to know that evil exists
Only this can prove the presence of good
and that life is meaningful

I want to know everything

I’m worried about my dead friends
and somehow upset that others have left me
rather than just dying
At least death cannot be my fault
It is easier than accepting
that I am not always enough

8.17.2006 / 10.10.2007

Continue Reading

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Okay, so it wasn’t a cabinet exactly. I had grown to love the duplex and the many oddities that made it special. It had started to feel like home for me. The pops and creaks the place would make as it warmed from the sun had become familiar. The troops of insects and spiders that would find a way in had started to be less of an annoyance than they once were. The sound of the water under the house — like sitting atop the beach with waves moving back and forth — was soothing. I had even grown fond of the huge fireplace, sitting awkwardly in the corner. It took up too much space and was unusable. I had decided to place foam skulls in it for Halloween and string lights in the top so they would be slightly lit up.

I think I can fall for almost anyplace. It just takes time. With the duplex, it took almost a year for me to really appreciate it. I have certainly lived in places that took less time too, but I like to settle. Part of the reason I moved to Alaska was that I was not happy with my own tendency to settle so quickly. But honestly, that is one of my favorite things to do. It shouldn’t scare me so much.

Currently, I am living in a basement. Surrounded by concrete walls and hot water tanks, I know I can’t stay too long and should fall for this unusual place. For various reasons, I must have a new place to stay by Christmas. I don’t want to think about it just now. I am trying to decide if I can live with a roommate. I tend to be more independent than most people like to deal with. But I doubt I can afford this city on my own. We’ll see. And with any luck I will be settled in to my new place by spring.Continue Reading

By:
On:
With: 2 Comments

This is my last day in the duplex. I intend to be moved out by the end of the day today — both me and the cats. I am quite over this moving experience. It is second only to moving to Alaska for the worst of my life. It has felt rushed and cursed the entire time. Even now, many of my things sit untouched in the soon to be vacant house. It hardly seems like I have enough time to move. In truth, I had planned to continue tomorrow morning, as this is my regularly scheduled weekend off. The manager who writes the schedule, in her infinite pregnant “wisdom” decided that she would schedule me anyway. Don’t worry, I have been making her feel bad about it since I saw the schedule. I should have just told her that I cannot work. This is too important.

The cats have yet to figure out what is in store for them. They will like the new place eventually, but for now they are about to be traumatized… ripped from their home without any warning. I intend to sleep for a long time the next time I get a day off, which apparently isn’t until Thursday. I want it to be right now.Continue Reading