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Random Thoughts To People I Know:

•I do usually know, Lori. Maybe I can put in a camera!
•Break a leg, Meg. Or at least have a good time.
•Jessica Cassesa! Where have you been?!? We need to shop!
•It was strange and nice to catch up, Robby.
•Travis? Do I know someone named Travis?
•Jess, things are not looking good. See me for details.
•I miss you, Christine.
•Meghan… the hair… wtf?
•Good luck with the living situation, Nick & Sarah.
•Justin, I am very sleepy and I want to watch TV.
•I don’t really want to mess with Christmas, Brent & Laurisa.
•When will I see you again, Ren?
•I love that you work at my store now, Shauna.
•I might be secretely stalking you, Meghan. One can never be sure.
•Christine! You must want your DVD back. I’m a horrible person!!!
•Lori, I want to make some stuff… really.
•Jill, I went to get that movie for you, but it was way expensive!!!
•Jerr…?
•Oh, Shauna, sorry I didn’t say Good Morning the other day. It hurt to.
•Can’t wait to work with you on Tuesday, Meghan!
•Justin, I am mad at you!!! No reason.
•Brad, are you ever actually online?
•You make me smile, John (venusunfolding).
•Can I borrow that one movie, Jilly???
•Brandy, I will let you borrow the kd lang CD. You didn’t get it just for being a lesbian like you wanted.
•JD. Just JD.
•I can’t wait to see you again, Troy. It has been too long.
•I love you, Jobeth.
•Travis who?

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Yay!

I have been having the most wonderfully fantastic day today. No reason at all. I just love life today and this all makes me believe that I am becoming my parents, bipolar disorder and all. A customer gave me a verbal award for being the nicest music seller anywhere in town, John (our receiving manager) got me a small gift just to be nice, and Meghan worked with me. She was also in an obnoxiously good mood today. I was just so grand to be alive, even though I was hacking and sneezing all day!!! I am super excited about getting some stuff done tomorrow and then I can relax. I might even turn my heat on! I was waiting until December and it will be December tomorrow.

Being sick doesn’t suck so much today… I will soon be going to Lori’s for some Amazing Race fun. Calm, quiet fun…

Meghan:

Meghan is one of the most wonderful people I know. She is just too much. Avert your eyes anyone who knows me or anyone who knows Meghan… It is just a shame she isn’t a gay boi (*wink wink*) or that she is an employee…(because I am not technically supposed to hang out with her)… I really think she is fantastic!

Featured Image Art: still of Red from Fraggle Rock

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Thankful:

First, I would like to say that I am thankful for so many things. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Mine was excellent. I sometimes don’t allow myself to enjoy my family, but I really do. It is nice to feel that relaxed around people. I am thankful for my cousins, who are becoming such wonderful people. I am thankful for my brothers and their families. I am thankful for my uncle, even when he really annoying. I am thankful for my grandpa (Papa) who was too quiet this year. I wish him speedy recovery on his back. I am especially thankful for having the greatest parents ever. They are both as much friends as parents. I enjoy them so much. Their house can be too hectic for me though, with the children always under foot.

The day was so great. We watched Will & Grace, visited, and played with the kids all day at my parents’ house. Gradually, everyone made their way down to my grandpa’s house. We started with 15 and by the time I left for my grandpa’s, only my dad was left. We had the best and most moist turkey I have ever had!!! It just fell apart as the knife touched it, so no need to slice it at all. I sat at the kids’ table, where I have sat my entire life. Really, we all are. That table is, and has always been Opie, Annie, myself, and some combination of others including Becky, Brad, Brent, etc. The actual kids are still too young to sit off by themselves. It was just an excellent day.

So, Where Has Brian Been???

Nowhere. I have just not been on the computer that much. I guess life is just boring lately. Not that I have been bored. I do have opinions on that. I want a boyfriend. I want to feel loved. I am scared of looking… scared to death of trying… of putting myself out there. I miss my gay friends. This is really where gay friends come in handy. I am lonely and I don’t like it at all. Blah. I am basically content with my life otherwise. I do need to get on here and just blog already!!! I sometimes forget that my friends check this to see what is going on… Travis.

Work:

Speaking of work, Shauna is working at my store as of earlier this week!!! It is so nice to see her face at work. I so miss living with her and James. I wish things never changed and you could just stay close to everyone.

This is the weekend of weekends at work. I am looking forward to the craziness. I am a little worried that our manager will be exhausting and frantic, but overall it should be fun.

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Life Has Been Boring!!!
I haven’t really done much lately, with the exception of sleeping! Justin has been coming over more often, which has been nice. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend any time alone. It hasn’t been that bad though. But I have had a lot going on. Nothing exciting, but a lot. I would love to hear from Travis, but I haven’t in quite some time.

How Does My Garden Grow?
It doesn’t. At all. I miss that about having a house. Mowing is the part I don’t miss, but I can only get them together. Oh well. I would love to grow some veggies. I don’t really care about flower gardening, but growing food would be pretty cool.

Christmas:
Even though I don’t care much for Christmas this year, I have decided to go ahead and decorate. I don’t know what, but something fun and exciting! I want it to be uber-kitschy, but I am not sure what I want. Any ideas would be appreciated.

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Christian Indeed!

I have mentioned it many times, but I just want to say it again. What is wrong with people??? I live in “the buckle of the Bible Belt” and see a huge amount of hypocracy daily. Since everyone here in Tulsa claims to be a Christian, I am often ashamed to say that I am and have resorted to not saying it at all. It pains me to claim similar beliefs with people who seem so judgemental and hateful. I know that I am doing the same thing, judging them, but I still have a hard time with those who cannot walk the walk. Christian seems to be a term used by many as a substitute for conservative and/or close-minded. But I think those people need to look at the word and realize that it simply means someone who follows the teachings of Christ. The teachings of Christ do not include judgement or exclusion of others. They do not include hate for anyone. They are about one’s personal commitment of that person’s actions. Nobody should have anything to say about the way I live my life except for me and God. This means that you random so-called Christian do not get to decide that being gay is wrong or right. Unless of course you are 100% without sin. It is at that time that I will start accepting your advice on living my life and my walk in my faith.

Religion, Faith, Or Spirituality…?

I am not religious at all. I think to be so is silly (no offense to those who are). Being locked into dogma and ritual does not suit my finicky life and is therefore not welcome into it. Although I share the beliefs of other Christians, I do not claim to be one for reasons stated above as well as the following: stating ones religion automatically brings with it certain stereotypes. I don’t want to be held to certain beliefs that I don’t necessarily agree with.

Faith and Spirituality are a different matter all together. I am strong in both and I don’t often discuss them. I just am so rarely on the same wavelength that I cannot bear to defend myself all the time.

Have I Changed So Much?

I spent the evening with Serenity, James, Shauna, Bryce, etc. It was a lot of fun! We started at the bowling alley, where I bowled 131. Out of the 11 of us, I was 4th. I never bowl, so it was really great fun. Rennie and I got beers, making the evening even better. I also never drink. After, we went back to James & Shauna’s house. Shauna fed me, we visited, and then played Scene It. It is okay, but made me realize how out of touch I am with movies. I knew almost none of the answers. Blah.

Thing is that I felt a little out of touch with them. I haven’t spent time with them for about 2 years, and it had been a while at that point. I really didn’t think that I had changed since then, but the fact that I related very little made me realize that I had. Why is it that I am always changing into someone new, leaving my friends behind, no longer having the same things in common?

I guess it doesn’t matter. We seemed to be able to find enough things to talk about to keep ourselves amused. I even got along alright with Bryce, which had never happened when I lived with them. He is Shauna’s brother and was a source of tension at that time. It was nice to just get along with him. It was also very nice to see Serenity (Rennie), who has become my blog buddy. I actually just read through her blog occasionally, but it is fun to know she is always there.

Featured Image Art: photo by Valeri Terziyski (via Unsplash)

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Things and Rumors of Things:
The crazy lady gave Lori a Longaberger basket, which is a funny story. It was a good day at work. Busy, but good. Hopefully, we can have everything in order by tomorrow (or at the very least next Monday). I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong, as my manager has been quiet around me recently, but I think she is just frantic to get the store ready for the holidays.

I made Meghan yelp several times today, which was great fun. I just love working with the people back in music lately. I guess that sounds wrong — like I enjoy tormenting the poor dears, but I think they are a lot of fun. And it helps that they are all pretty darn productive as well. Good good good.

Renee is rumored to have a blog. I will investigate momentarily, but will finish this post first.

I am interested in reading The Stupidest Angel so if you have read it let me know what you thought. Marla and Nancy both enjoyed it and I am waiting for Nancy to loan it to me. It looks really funny. I am also interested in reading the newest Push books. I can’t remember the titles at the moment. And I would like to read both Salt and Cod. I really need some money because I also want several CDs. Britney Spears, Shania Twain, & Elton John all had CDs today that I would like to get. Rufus Wainwright has one coming soon. I also want Friends Season 8 (the first one I didn’t get on the release date), A Home At The End Of The World, Shrek 2, Harry Potter 3, Rudolph, Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas, Without A Trace Season 1, and Profiler Seasons 1-4. A 4th job might cut it, but I never found a second. Oh well…

Lori and The Mysteries Surrounding Her:
My sincerest apologies to Lori, who I know felt slighted by me lately. I have been aloof, but not for any reason. I think that I just get locked into new routines easily and when I got sick and then Lori went to Houston, I got locked into just sitting around watching TV because that is all I did for those 2 weeks. If forced, I can alter what I do from day to day, but unless it is necessary, I just do the same ol’ thing. Not at all about Lori, who was the focus of my previous routine. I am much like my father…

Again, sorry. It isn’t about you, Lori. Neither is it to be considered a lack of consideration. Blah blah blah… same old story.

House:
The kitchen is clean.

I want a digital camera that works so I can post more pictures…. Sigh…

Featured Image Art: photo of Longaberger Basket Building

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Sleep:
I slept for 20 hours again. Something is very wrong. Maybe depression. Maybe just fatigue. I seem to never feel tired, but sleep too long when I finally do fall asleep. It is okay, but I am sorry to Lori who was expecting my help today. It wasn’t my intention to sleep all day. Oh well. (by today, I mean Sunday). I feel like I need to catch up, so I am thrilled that I only have 3 shifts to work before I have a week off from work. Maybe I can level out my sleep patterns in that time.

Vacation:
Suddenly there is a lot to do in the small time I have off. I plan on going to Stillwater to see my family on Thursday and Friday. Saturday is Nathan’s 2nd birthday party and I will be going over to James & Shauna’s house for that. Rennie is supposed to be there, which will be great. I really miss all of them and hope we can start communicating more often. I would like to spend a couple of days hanging out and therefore not having any plans to go anywhere. I can do that Sunday and Monday. It should be nice and it all starts when I get off work on Wednesday.

Same Ol’ Story:
My house needs to be cleaned as usual. I wish my mind worked like Lori’s. Her house is always clean and she doesn’t seem to stress too much over it.

Top 10 Stores I Would Shop At If I Had Money (or shop at more):
1. Saks Fifth Avenue
2. Banana Republic
3. IQ Furniture
4. Pottery Barn
5. Urban Outfitters
6. IKEA
7. Vertigo
8. Pier 1
9. Ultimate Electronics
10. Sears

I am generally happy with my financial situation, but if I had the money to shop at these places I would gladly do so. As it is, for what I want they remain mostly out of my range. That is okay though.

Featured Image Art: art by Peter Stanick

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Lament For Tooth #30:

It is done. Satisfied with the amount of decrease in infection, Dr. Coffey gassed me, gave me shots, and ripped my quickly dying tooth from my jaw. The process was not too bad actually. The hygienist was very nice, which always helps. Unfortunately, I require multiple shots before achieving numbness. That only made the wait take longer. When I was as numb as I was getting, he worked to pry the tooth loose, which it was not interested in.  Some impromptu surgery and sutures later, the tooth is completely gone. Then came the bleeding. It only took me 3 or 4 hours to get the clot to form, which I am telling myself is normal. Now I am just supposed to take it easy for 24 hours, which should be easy (considering that is all I do with my life usually).

Why would I want to hang on to a part of my body that didn’t have the courtesy to stay alive? Seriously though, the dentist and the nurse who wrapped stuff up both offered me the black and shattered tooth remnants. Yes, those would go great with my body parts collection. Or maybe with my collection of old broken things that have died. No thank you. I do not want to keep the tooth.

It always irritates me when I have to come back. Next week the sutures will come out and a comprehensive exam of my teeth will be completed so that a long term treatment plan can be established to both fill the gap in my teeth and have fillings reset to prevent losing the other 5 teeth that are in the same danger. I don’t know that he understood that I want as much done by December 31 as possible because I met my deductible the other day for 2004. I still say it is stupid that teeth don’t rank as a medical expense.

Sleepy:

Codeine is one of the nicest parts of any medical visit, dentist of otherwise. It does make me sleepy though. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to wait on my hand and foot instead of being at my parents’ house waiting for chili I know I won’t like and not being able to sleep because the menu for the Shrek DVD will not allow me to sleep.

I need a man for more reasons than that. There was a guy in today that made me realize that I may have moved on from bois to men. He was in his 40s, very built, but with no neck. He was very attractive to me. But then I was thinking about how I wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of man.

Family:

I am at my parents’ house, as I said, which I love because I grew up in this house. I have been the most against selling this house as my parents looked for somewhere else to live, but I like the idea if it means building our very own homestead.

Conner has been so great today. He told me this story about his uncle John (my sister-in-law’s brother) scaring him as a wolf at the downtown trick-or-treat night. It was cute, but being the defiant kid he is made sure that I understood that he hit Uncle John. Today was also the first time Conner called me Uncle Brian. It was nice, as Conner has always called me Brent.

I can’t sleep here. If it had the walls, carpet, furniture, accessories, appliances, or smell it had while I was growing up it would be more relaxing. But it is not. Everything has changed (even the toilet and tub!) I can’t wait to drive home and sleep in my own bed for the rest of the day.

Gifts:

Am I the gayest person on the planet??? I have gotten what I need to make pillows, throws, and/or sachets. It will be nice to save money and have given something so meaningful.

Let It All Out:

I am on a roll with pissing people off. So, here goes again. A few weeks ago, I mentioned a secret that I kept until now from my friends. Specifically, Lori and Jess who would be most affected by the news. I went dancing the night we went out for Jess’ birthday. I went after I refused to be the DD. But that is a major part of my point.

Jim called at 11:30. He and his boyfriend were to be at the Majestic in 30 minutes. It had been so long that I put myself together and met them there, where I danced away.

I never want to be a DD. If it comes up, then fine, but I don’t want to be asked to go somewhere just because I have decided to not drink. I am nobody’s bitch. Again, I don’t mind helping out, but these things must be on my own terms.

Featured Image Art: photo by Kenny Eliason (via Unsplash)

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Lori:

I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.

Weird:

Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.

Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.

I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.

Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.

Being Alone:

I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.

Hurt:

My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?

Justin Things:

I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.

I LOVE YOU

You see me as I wish I were.

You hear what I really mean,

And not only what I say;

You always know how I feel.

You help me be a better person.

Bradley Tyler

It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.

Prayers:

Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.

Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.

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Book(s):
I got and plan on starting Closet Case by Robert Rodi. I am interested in all of his books, but that one really sounded like the best. I really need to read more, but I need to get new glasses. I can barely see. It makes it frustrating to try and read anything.

Friends:
I love friends. Justin came over and watched Clash Of The Titans with me the other day. I think I am officially over that movie. Once upon a time I loved it, but I guess I have moved on with my life. Anyway, we later went to Wal-Mart, where we both had to pick up copies of The Day After Tomorrow, which we thought got a bad rap just because the wolves looked ridiculously fake. It was good for what it was and that is all it should be judged on. It was great formula disaster, better than made for TV, but certainly not the best of its kind. I dropped him off at his house and he went in to get my DVDs I had loaned him and Patrick. When he returned, he had a snapdragon in a starter pot, which he offered me. It was weird and a little funny. I took it and when I returned home I planned on giving it to Lori. As I walked by her house, her living room light went out so I quickly ran up and knocked on the door… no answer. So I unlocked the door and sat the plant in an obvious place and left. I am tired of giving people gifts. They appreciate them, but I don’t necessarily want them to. I am turning into my dad, giving things away all the time. It is exhausting when you are at any store and everything reminds you of someone you know. I should just not buy!!!

Shauna (ex roommate), Nathan (her kid), and Bryce (her brother) came into the store on Friday. It was nice to see them. It had been a very long time. I really miss James (Shauna’s husband) though. I really connected well with him when I lived with them, but haven’t seen him in a long time and I miss him. He is very much a homebody, not even wanting to venture beyond his house for long, so it is hard to see him without going over there. I should just go.

Haven’t seen Jess in a while, but I am sure work is keeping her busy lately.

Birthdays:
KC had her 1st birthday Friday. Meghan shared the day as her 21st. Franz, my cat, shared the same day as his 3rd. Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. I will be in Stillwater later today to celebrate. Brent and Laurisa (my brother and sister-in-law) will be in town too. I hardly ever see them now that they live an hour in the other direction of my parents. I also haven’t seen Jason since he was born. It will be a fun day. I hope if I take a movie my mom and I will be able to watch it in peace at some point. No more birthdays until November after this one.

Health:
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I am one of those dentist fearing people. I don’t really understand it, but I just don’t really like going. I have an abscess so I hope that I will have a tooth removed. It really needs to go. I hate that such a small thing can impact my overall sense of well being. It makes me feel sick all over!!!

Observation I made at work: Our inability to keep paper from cutting our skin is the dumbest thing ever. God seriously needs to rethink that whole thing. I was ringing someone up and the cover on the book he was buying sliced very easily into my finger… ouch!!!

Work:
Things seem to be getting much better. It is great to have employees who support me. I am impressed with everyone in my department at the moment and it really feels great. They are the best!!! I again enjoy my job and I am grateful for that.

Audacity: We have a man who keeps coming in the store and harassing a certain person in my department. He started out as a shoplifter, but has recently started only coming in to just show that we as a store do not scare him. Although he does not have the opportunity to steal, he does have an opportunity to make people uncomfortable. It is to the point that I wish I didn’t have to schedule certain people alone, but can’t penalize them for the actions of one asshole. I am just venting as I can see no way to get rid of him. Our store is willing to call the police on him, but he flees before it ever gets to that. It is aggravating.

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Wednesday
Stayed up too late and then slept most of the day away. I had some fantastic dreams, but all I can remember is that they were great. I have no details left from them. Oh well. I guess I wouldn’t have done anything productive with my day anyhow, so the oversleeping doesn’t matter.

Family:
Mom called last night in between movies. There is a lot going on. My parents bought 20 acres of land, my dad was offered a job, KC’s birthday is Friday, Mom’s is Monday, Stan has invited everyone to Dallas for Thanksgiving, which leaves my family to do our own thing in Stillwater. I actually prefer that. I don’t have the time to go to Dallas, so I would have been at home anyway. My parents are living out my dad’s dream of buying land and building a home on it. They plan on keeping 5 of the 20 they got.

Movies:
Lori and I watched Sleepy Hollow, The Blair Witch Project, and Starship Troopers last night. It was insane, but we already planned to watch some more movies tonight. I want to watch Sliding Doors and Used People, so we’ll see if I can get my way on those.

Featured Image Art: still from Sleepy Hollow (1999)

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Happy C******s Day, all!
I am feeling kinda weird today. I spent the day feeling sick because I started eating. I should have done it more gradually, but I rushed into it. Oh well. I was back at work today after a 4 day vacation. It was a little irritating seeing what didn’t get done, but I will just crack the whip this week. I do have a new employee who I work with tomorrow. My department doesn’t have the turn over the rest of the store has so a new person is a big deal. I did discover that the DVD section needs to be further expanded, which is both frustrating and exciting because the section started out so small and has taken over.

Movies:
Lori and I are watching movies again. Sleepy Hollow and Ernest Scared Stupid (unless I can get out of that one somehow). I did see the USA Frankenstein movie last night. It was okay, but I wanted more. It sould have been a mini series instead. They tried to cram too much in. Edit 11:54: We ended up watching Underworld, which Jess had. It was okay. I am not that interested in Vampires and Werewolves, but it was appropriate. I made meatloaf, which took forever to cook (because I turned the heat down instead of up when I need to). I think it made it more moist. It was sooo good. I enjoy throwing stuff together, but I never cook. It was the second time in the three years I have known Lori & Jess that I cooked for them. Not that meatloaf really counts either. It was a good evening.

TV:
During my brief time off I watched entirely too much TV. I think that I would watch constantly if the only thing on was The Practice, Law & Order, CSI, etc. I love those shows.

Featured Image Art: still from Underworld (2004)

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The Ends Refuse To Meet!
I think it is official, boys and girls. Brian is going to need a second job. I have really tried to make it without over the past year, putting things off, taking out loans, paying what I could. But in the end, it just seems that I really need more money. Mind you, I don’t like thinking about money as much as this, but I really have no choice.

After refiguring my budget, I discovered that my bills are higher than my current salary, which sucks. I will collect applications this weekend from retail stores near my store and hopefully can make it work somehow. I hate it, but what can you do. I think it will be okay, but I really want to hold on to everything. I have resisted for so long, but now I must grow up.

I would also love to have a roommate again, but that will not happen. My trusty “need-a-place-to-live” friends both have boyfriends now and are living with them. I am happy for them, but I didn’t do a good job of becoming independant before that happened. Blah.

I know there is not way of getting rich quick, but I welcome any ideas on making extra cash in addition to the second job. I don’t want to lose my house over my own stupidity, nor do I want to leave my current job. However, if an opportunity arises and I need to choose between my home and a job I like, I will be forced to leave the company I love. I wish there was an easy answer. Update (Sunday, Sept 26): I applied at Walgreens. I picked up applications for Petco, Ross, Deals, & Joann. Michaels was chaotic and out of apps. I might try Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Old Navy, Petsmart, Kohl’s, Wal-Mart, or a mall store tomorrow. If anyone has information on any of these places, let me know. Thanks.

Friends:
I e-mailed Cindy, Jerry’s sister, yesterday. It was nice to hear from her after so long. She is such a fun person. I hope to get in touch with Jerry again soon. I haven’t heard from him since January and we weren’t in a good place then. I hate all of that and want to just talk again. He really is important to me.

Jessica and I updated her site last night. It was fun and it turned out pretty well. I don’t like writing in CSS as well as I liked HTML, but I think the result makes it worth it to do so. Her page looks nice now. Plus, changes should be pretty easy for her to make.

Justin and I need to discuss the fact that he never calls unless he needs me to check the mail for him. I know he is busy, but c’mon.

Featured Image Art: photo by Towfiqu Barbhuiya (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Friends:
I got this amazing card from a friend early early early this morning when I finally got home from work (2:30 a.m.). Essentially, the card stated that I have things together in my life while that isn’t true of everyone. I think I see the perspective intended, but I don’t totally agree. I think that different things are important to different people. For me, money is not important. Yes, I do need it to pay the bills, but I don’t let it run my life. That isn’t to say I have any. Owning a home was also a priority of mine. Having purchased a home and not worrying about money when I don’t have to, my life seems to be fine. Again, just because I don’t complain about money doesn’t mean I have any. And although I can take care of my two cats without thought, I can’t keep a plant alive to save my life.

Other things have more value to friends than they do to me. As money is a concern, sometimes going back to school is a priority. Or getting a promotion. It isn’t that my life is any more in order. It is just different. I still am a mess. I can’t keep my house clean, bills paid on time, and I have never had a boyfriend. Those things get me down from time to time. But I can look to this friend or that one and find them executing those things with ease and it gives me hope that I can someday do the same.

I really loved the letter because it is good to hear what others think of you when you feel like a royal fuck-up most of the time. I hope all the people in my life realize how much I care about them. At the risk of being sappy and a little silly, I think I should tell some of the people in my life what I admire about them.

Justin: You have overcome so much and are such an interesting person. I really love how close you are to your sister, at times willing to drop everything to help her out with the kids. I am so happy that you have found someone, even if it reminds me that I haven’t. It gives me hope that I can someday. I admire your job and the hard work involved.

Travis: Thank you for being my friend for so long and through so many personal traumas. It has really helped. I wish I had your drive in school. Maybe then I would have done something more than retail. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but teaching may be a bit more rewarding. It drives me up the wall most of the time, but I actually admire the way you budget and save your money. I really just appreciate you on so many levels.

Lori: Girl, you really are my “Grace.” I love how you are determined to move up in the world. I admire the honesty you have with yourself concerning money, health, and love. I love that you lower standards for nobody and you are steadfast in your beliefs and morals. You are such a dedicated worker that I feel like I am doing so little by comparison. I love that you are so full of empathy and that you will sit and listen when I need that.

Jessica: …don’t be upset for this… I am so profoundly amazed at how courageous you are in spite of a complete lack of parental involvement in your adult life. It is wonderful that you are sure enough of yourself to go on, complaining only mildly. I love your sense of humor and sense of fun. You are such a neat person to be around.

JD: You really have it together. Really. You have my taste, Travis’ budgeting ability, and a child on top of it. You might be the happiest person I have ever met and my life has been so full because of you. I admire your absolute devotion to Kendra, your humor, your compassion. You are the person I wish I could be with sometimes.

Jerry: who will never read this… I really miss you. I don’t know where you are, since your boyfriend won’t let you talk to me, but I do miss you. You were my first gay friend and got me through coming out to my parents. I really admire that you never take shit from anyone.

Everyone else: There are things about everyone I love. That is why you are my friends. That includes xanga friends, John, Jim, Robby, & the rest. It includes work friends, Christine, Meghan, Jill, Brandy, Ray, & the rest. Love to all!!!

Featured Image Art: Peter Stanick, “Guy”

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Apathy:
I think it is taking me more to be apathetic and lazy than it would to actually do something. I don’t like that. I would love to just clean and work out and write and pay bills. All those things I just don’t get around to because I am too busy wasting as much time doing literally nothing. I guess the first step is admitting there is a problem.

I also feel bad because I know I owe Justin some money, but haven’t gotten around to giving it to him even though I have it. Oh well.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not in a bad mood or anything like that. I am actually feeling good that I have made a mental effort at least. I think that so much had been going on that I just wished I could be a kid and not deal with this whole life thing. It is fine though…

Things I Love:
(for those who thought I was down because of the hate list…)
•I love popcorn
•I love Madonna
•I love feeling infinite
•I love privacy
•I love watching movies
•I love eating cinnamon candy until my tongue burns.
•I love my iMac
•I love having brothers
•I love planning projects I will never finish.
•I love just being with Travis and not having to talk.
•I love Sonic
•I love looking at myself in the mirror when I am cute.
•I love smoking cloves
•I love Sanrio
•I love imagining having a boyfriend
•I love reading
•I love eating squash
•I love dandelions
•I love remembering walking home from school with Carla (and sometimes Bonnie).
•I love candlelight
•I love letting JD & Lori talk.
•I love Christmas (secretly)
•I love buying clothes
•I love my kibbies (cats) Molly & Franz
•I love ginger (cookies, mints, toothpaste, ale/beer)
•I love remembering first grade, the year I was in a wheelchair from Legg Perthes and having to learn to walk again.
•I love the smell of laundry
•I love being fairly simple
•I love IKEA
•I love Earl Grey tea
•I love Roseanne (TV)
•I love when it is really really cold and I can pull a blanket over myself and watch Little Women.
•I love Shout Color Catchers
•I love the trip I took to France
•I love music

Updates to Love:
•I love it when Jess makes cookies for me (and it’s not about the cookies…)
•I love Justin’s made up words
•I love how Jerry understands me so much and we can talk for hours (I miss him so much it hurts)
•I love work
•I love Xanga friends (I am not just saying that either!), specifically, but not limited to venusunfolding, goofynuttyboy, confess_or_explode, imanalien, TheBlahBook, tonys_2k2, upandoutward, jrat, Ice_Falcon

Obviously, I knew I had left people in my life out. I sorry. The original list was totally off the top of my head.

Featured Image Art: unknown comic illustration

originally posted on Xanga