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Yesterday:
Okay, I seriously have no idea what my problem was yesterday. I was just so… blah. Today is better. Today I feel normal. It is so good to not feel so bad.

Work:
I am really trying to stay out of the crap going on at work, but it is too much sometimes. It is constant with people not doing any work, being completely inappropriate, and oblivious to the fact that they need to start shaping up. I want it to be over now. However, I do not feel that I am hurting the situation by staying out of it. I am sorry to anyone who feels that way. I understand what they mean, but the only way for me to help my own situation is to do what I feel is right and not be pressured to get involved.

Family:
My mom is back from North Carolina. I am so excited, even though I won’t be able to see her for a while still. Ugh. I am just thrilled that I don’t have to hide who I am in my parents’ house anymore. I think just that will take care of a lot of tension and distance that has been between my parents and me. I also know that it will be hard, because although Mom wants to understand being gay, she doesn’t currently understand. It will be a very rewarding part of my life.

Vacation:
I am greatly anticipating my next block of vacation, which starts next week. I can’t wait to see Robby & Jim. I am really looking forward to getting away again. And when I return, I only work one day and then I am off for my birthday!!! Yay! I will be 25. I am not really sure if I am comfortable with that, but I really have no choice. I don’t so much mind getting older, but I do mind not being young any longer. Does that make sense?

Featured Image Art: photo by Namroud Gorguis (via Unsplash)

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Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …

Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!

Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.

Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.

Featured Image Art: altered photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

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Today:
Happy 4th all!

Becky:
She responded. She already knew. It all feels so silly now, having faced it. I had 3 people in my life left to share this with and the 2 I just told already knew… I guess it is naive to think they wouldn’t have figured it out by now. I am 24… My older brother, Brent, won’t have figured it out, I think. I don’t plan on telling him for some time yet, but I don’t expect much out of it. He is very judgmental, or can be.

Me:
As is apparent to the world at this point, I have been really frustrated and in pain lately. I honestly don’t know what set me off, but I am just upset about life. I try not to be; I try to be happy, but it is hard feeling like a pariah. I know I am not, and I really don’t want praise or attention (above what I normally need), but I just don’t know how to make this go away — this insufferable anguish. I am holding up fine on the outside, but internally I am exploding with feelings I don’t want anyone to know… “The mean reds,” to make a totally gay reference.

And there it is, the source of my problems. “GAY” <– I hate the societal pressures to be homophobic, I hate the teachings of the church, based solely on speculation that certain passages “probably” mean things I doubt they do. I hate that all of this makes my family not really want to know me. Oh, yes, they still love me. They told me that.

But when I fall in love… I won’t have the warm reception into my home with my new boyfriend as my straight brothers had with their girlfriends. I will never have a spouse that my family recognizes and loves the way Janessa and Laurisa are loved. I will never have children, which makes me want to curl up right now and die. The only purpose to life seems to be children. And I would love children. But I cannot deny myself. Nor will I.

I want to be loved for me, and accepted not just as the son who happens to be gay, but as the gay son. That sounds so weird, but I don’t want to live a secondary existence to my siblings… I need to be equal. They are recognized automatically as my parents straight sons. They are not sons who happen to be straight, with their wives and children… I don’t want to be different, or rather to feel like I am different. I am normal for me. I love my parents very much, but until they ask me out of the blue if I have a boyfriend (as they would ask about a girlfriend), I know they still can’t see me as anything but an annoyance, a problem, a pariah.

I know this makes very little sense, but I needed it off my heart for now. I know my parents love me. I too love them very much. I needed to rant. I am very tired now. I need to get away from this life… away from me.

Featured Image Art: photo by Mel Poole (via Unsplash)

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Letter:
I sent the letter I wrote to Stan, my uncle. He already knows I think, but not officially. Hmm… I feel like I am on some kind of coming out roll. Why do I need to do that right now? I keep thinking I left way more information on paper at work, but I am pretty sure I didn’t even write anything down… Why am I rambling?

Music:
I think I will spend the evening making CDs for my trip to Texas… I am so happy to have some time off. Yay!

Exercise:
Maybe I will go for a walk when it cools down tonight. That might make a nice change to just sitting here. I hope I decide to just do it.

Mimi:
I really miss my grandma today.

Stan:
He is really one of the greatest people I know. I cannot believe the e-mail I just got from him.

Brian,

In a word, WOW!!! Not the gay stuff. . . . . more on that later, but WOW to the ability you have to expose your soul. Don’t ever call yourself a coward, when you have the guts to express yourself in that way. You are very courageous, although you may feel like it took too long, or the timing was wrong, or whatever. There is time and place for all of this. Brian, it is YOUR journey. There is not a timetable. . . .( re: Tell Mom on day 30, tell brother on Day 40, uncle and niece on Day 50). . . . . none of that matters. This is YOURS and YOURS alone. Your heart and soul will dictate the time. Don’t let anyone (even your Mom), pressure you on who to tell, who not to tell. These are huge decisions that only you can make.

Now, that doesn’t mean that some in your life (and I hope this includes me) can help with decent advice. IF you want it. As you know, everyone has their beliefs, and they are all entitled to them. What they are NOT entitled to do. . . . is pressure you, judge you or make you feel less of a man. Only YOU, GOD, and those in your life that YOU choose should influence you and your journey through life.

Your parents are only capable of so much. they cannot understand this right away. Just like you needed time to figure it all out, so will they. I hope you don’t expect too much. They love you so much, but may never understand it. And that’s OK!! That is their issue to deal with, and they will do what they can, when they can and however they can. Just remember———-that is theirs. It doesn’t change anything. Same goes for Brent and Brad, and cousins for that matter. I can’t speak for the Wilkinsons. But I can speak for me and Opie and Annie. . . . . I am tearing up alittle, because they are so cool about it. They asked me a few months ago, and I said that it was yours to respond to that, not mine. They both said “Brian is so cool, who cares!” They have a wonderful non-judgmental attitude. With Diane being very homophobic, I am proud that they have formed their own opinions. They (and I) love you and do not define you by your sexuality. You will never be my gay nephew. You will always be my wonderful, creative, loving, caring, passionate, funny, warm, sincere, smart, alittle messy!, courageous, loyal nephew, that. . . oh yeah. . . happens to be gay. I will never define you any other way. Any more than I would define Brent and Brad as my Straight nephews! That makes no sense. ( I hope to goodness this comes out right ).

You mentioned that it might be easier to let Becky (and I presume me and others in the family) go and move on with your life. I hope you don’t. Give her and whoever you want a chance, but just know it could take awhile.

Here is some advice that you may not be so welcome, but I am on a roll. I feel like this. . . the more “in your face” you are with them, the harder it is for them to react. Remember that you are dealing with people that are ignorant enough to think you chose this. You won’t change their mind. And they can’t change your mind. And that’s OK. Just as hard as it is for them to get a grip on you being gay, you have to return the understanding and get a grip on the fact that they may never get it. Remember that may be as hard for you as it is for them.

Brian, like I said earlier, your exposing yourself like this is very brave, and I admire it. Just remember that they don’t control your happiness. Give your family a break, sure, but give yourself a bigger break.

And one last thing. . . . . . . .I will ALWAYS be there for you not matter what.

I love you, B2.

Your uncle.

Featured Image Art: photo of Stan & Brian

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Me:
I finally put myself out there… to no avail, but still… I did it. I need some gay friends. I love my friends so much, but they aren’t the same. There is something quite nice about sitting with a group of gay guys chatting about whatever. We even got to coming out stories. We could relate on a very personal level. I can’t say that about most of my friends. I don’t relate with them much — sometimes that is why we are friends. Jason was right… it would be wonderful to make a little gay family because that is what it feels like. I feel like I am around close family members, even around total strangers. They just need to be gay men around my age. That makes almost no sense, but… I know what I mean.

Jim:
(Jim: I would not presume to tell you how to live your life. This is purely my own thoughts). I really don’t want to offend him because I enjoyed him so much. I would love to be around him and his friends all the time. However, Jim doesn’t seem to know what he wants right now. I wish it was me; I wish it was a relationship. I really am not sure that it is. And maybe it was easy to slip into “slut” mode. His friends weren’t helpful at all though. I really wanted it to be more than it seemed to be. It was nice, but not much like a date. I started to let it confirm my feeling that I am repulsive, but decided to just look at it as an issue Jim is having. I am fully open to hanging out with him, but I really hope that he sees more in time. I am not like all the others. I really wanted to know more about Jim. More about his family, his opinions, his life. He is very attractive, but that isn’t why I drove an hour and a half to meet him. I am interested in him, and I really hope he decides to open up. He is one of the sweetest people ever; someone who can’t say no (he might change what is happening, but he doesn’t really say no). I liked him. But it is all in vain if he knows he will never feel the same way. I know it is silly to expect anything this soon, so I will continue talking to him and hopefully going to see him. If nothing else, I hope I have landed some wonderful new friends. I already miss them. Jim loves music so much and I love that.

Work:
I don’t want to go to work after such a great weekend.

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OKC Pride Fun:
This weekend was SO fun… Humid, but fun. Dinner Saturday night with Jim(the great guy), Jason, & Josh(“Yesh”) was great fun. Later we went clubbing, as everyone did apparently, and had a lot of fun. Back at Jim’s, there was no fun fun. Sleeping was fun. Sunday morning we went back to the park and then helped put together a float for the parade, which was somewhat fun. Then, after waiting around for quite a while we marched in the parade, handing out beads and candy — so much fun!!! Unfortunately, I had to leave after the parade which was not fun. But when I got to Tulsa, I went to a surprise 30th birthday party — more fun. Now, Lori is over and we are talking about our love lives and other stuff and she is fun.

Me:
I think I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I will write more later when I can think my thoughts through. It was all very nice. I did get the feeling that I couldn’t compete with the sea of naked boys, but I shouldn’t need to.

Featured Image Art: photo of OKC Pride

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Family:
I finally decided to come out to my cousin, Becky. She is really one of two people I haven’t told since coming out to my friends in 1997. She means a lot to me and I really think that it will devastate me should I ever lose her respect and friendship. Over the past few years I have started to tell her on a number of occasions, but have always chickened out. I must now do this, as the secrecy is pulling us further apart. I will keep you posted on what happens. I told her best friend, a coworker of mine, but she already knew. *Click here for he letter I sent to Becky*

Friends:
Nobody understands me. Not that it is anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like people treat me like the wallflower who likes being that way. Sometimes I do. But what my friends do not get is that I take a long time to warm up to people (weeks, months, years sometimes). They all end up giving up on me. I have stories, thoughts, opinions, concerns. It just feels to me like it all has to be about everyone else all the time.

Possibilities:
This is what I wrote to the guy I am into that made him want to meet me(I had said his recklessness was sexy; he questioned it):

“Sexy? Certainly… There is a boyish charm… a carelessness that reminds me of boys I’ve loved, dreamed of loving. There is a certain nostalgia that lives in you. The memory of bicycles, summer afternoons, snowcones, and friends you seemed to only know then because they were from the neighborhood. There is an impetuous nature that causes memories of things that have not yet happened. I can picture the impulsive way I’d be kissed or my hand grabbed and we’d run through a field for no reason other than the act itself. And how I would bring breakfast in bed because someone won’t listen and hurt himself… again! And I would nurse your wound, which would hurt longer because you’d want to be taken care of. And I’d be woken up at 3:00 a.m. some January night to be dragged outside to dance in the falling snow. Yes, it is sexy.”

Just wanted to share that because I was proud of it. Plus it is all true. I tried to write a poem about the same thing while I was on lunch today at work. I am still blocked. I have decided to rejoin pathetic.org. I will post a link when it is up.

Money:
I need to stop spending money. I am so scared of financial things right now. I would have been more vague about that if I could.

Me:
Big Friday plans: Haircut, clothes shopping (if I don’t have anything suitable for Saturday & Sunday), dinner with Dad & Lori, call Mom, call the guy, watch Six Feet Under Season 1, Disc 2. Big day. I may have caused a bit of a rift between myself and a good friend because of my funk. I hope he doesn’t hate me. And I hope I can learn to not hate his boyfriend (I am not there at this point). Forgive me T.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & Becky

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Hymn III: Birds & Vapor

Before knowledge, peace existed.
Innocent children don’t long for the touch of others.
I’m reflecting on bird calls,
sorting out in my mind the ones that seem familiar
from the ones that are new.
Except for the mockingbirds —
their song has changed as much as I have.
I can barely tell the difference between
childish pursuits and adult desires.
Except for skin.

I find myself a poor litmus test of what I want,
what I remember wanting.
Whispers in my ear from the past — or is it the future?
I’m forgetting things I thought were important.
I don’t remember the smell of skin pressed against
my face as I sleep.
I’m trying to remember how close I can get to the sun
without tumbling to the ground.
Have I reached that limit?
The men are turning to vapor, mists deposited in a wizard’s pensieve
filled with what I choose to remember as unbridled passion.
I’m searching through windows for faces,
for quiet morning sun spilling in through panes,
spotlighting the drifts of dust as they dance
like a great flock of tiny birds.

It feels like he’s still standing there, if he was ever standing there,
eating cherries on the front porch,
spitting the pits out into the garden.
I am thinking about fruity cereal.
I am thinking about the taste of cherries lingering in his mouth and the taste of mulberries lingering on mine.
I am thinking about birds and music and sex and dust.
I am thinking about the faces, the many overlooked faces.
I am thinking about vaporizing.

Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
calling for you and for me;
see, on the portals he’s waiting and watching,
watching for you and for me.


Notes

Written 2 November 2001 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Hymn III: Birds & Vapor” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)

Published in Social Distances (Scissortail Press, 2020)

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Hymn II: Reading Tolstoy Naked

My reality merges with memories, with desires,
is there a reality? Have these lives been mine?
Events appear in my mind, translucent and ethereal.
A lanky man in the doorway, light spilling
around his silhouette, casting him as a sort of deity,
a cigarette hanging from his lips
like he’s come from a previous century.
A burly man, his chest a thicket
of soft hair for fingers to explore,
reading Tolstoy in a dimly-lit living room, still naked.
The lamplight shines on his skin, casting strange shadows.
Is he really there?

I’m searching through faces,
longing for the smell of cigarette
smoke rubbed on my back as I’m
pulled toward a mouth still tasting of tobacco.
Or maybe I’ll find myself coyly asking about Russian literature,
massaging muscular shoulders, satisfyingly corporeal. I’m distracting him and pretending not to be distracted by him.
I’ll kiss him until everything is wet and beautiful.
Imaginary friends rarely press their lips back,
and never with such force.

I’m searching through faces,
watching men sleep for hours.
Eyelids dance as they dream and I wonder
about the wide-eyed boy, belly full of mulberries,
a face on fire from the attention of adults, strangers.
He didn’t know about men and the uncontrollable smiles
of the attention of adults, strangers. I miss him.
The nights are filled with breathing and rustling, peaceful.
The mornings are filled with coffee and cigarettes
or the pungent sweetness of a joint
which I pretend to enjoy because he does.
Weekends are a tangle of arms and legs, old movies,
sweaty and lazy afternoons.

It is well
It is well with my soul

I stay, huddled on beds or floors.
I don’t tell stories about playing in the woods,
or about finding an armadillo skeleton,
or about my preschool teacher.
I’m searching through faces
for the man who wants to know.

Notes

Written 29 October 2001 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Hymn II: Reading Tolstoy Naked” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)

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Clubs:
I went dancing on Saturday night. I keep forgetting how much I love doing that! I went with this girl Elisabeth from work and I am afraid that I wasn’t very talkative to her. I just wanted to Dance… We went to the Star — the only club to go dancing. I imagine that if people would go to Club NVS it would rock too, but not yet. Awesome music at both — but Saturday night they did not play a single Madonna song. I thought it was illegal to leave Mo out in a gay club…. Sunday was my Wunny’s birthday and we went to Arnie’s — an Irish pub — to celebrate. Let me just say this, I don’t get straight people. They sit around and drink and make bad jokes… that is fun? Oh well… It was fun because Sarah is fun when drunk. I have got to get out more often!

Family:
I have been giving a lot of thought to the anniversary present my brothers and I have planned for my parents next year (their 25th). We have 11 months, so I guess we need to get busy on it!

Self:
I have decided that 2002 is going to be my year!! I have so much that I want for next year, so I preparation I have started adjusting Brian to make room for all that I want. Not that I will be terribly dissapointed if none of what I want happens… that will be alright. I mean, yes I will be somewhat upset, but there is nothing wrong with just a decent year. I am hoping for GREAT though.

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Hymn I: Mulberries

I didn’t know then what I didn’t know,
what I wanted to know.
Desire was reserved for cartoons on Saturday morning
and drinking our bowls of fruity cereal flavored milk.
My bowl would be abandoned next to those of
brothers, and we would go outside for the day,
exploring the spaces already familiar.
We would eat mulberries until we felt sick,
or we would run down to the
wooded area where ours met the adjacent street.
My days were spent being alone in groups,
keeping to myself and drifting off in to the clouds,
thinking about how beautiful everything is.

A smell wakes me from the foggy daydreams
of childhood. The ends are pulling at me,
I’m remembering experiences I haven’t had.
Leather and old cologne… and sweat.
Absence and anticipation compete for the space,
waiting is agony when the body has been
unlocked, when the ignorance melts away.
I’m searching through faces,
looking for cowboy boots (I think)
or the smell of fruity cereal and milk.
I’m waiting to feel hands on my skin,
imagining them rough and gritty, remembering
a feeling I’m still anticipating. I know these things now,
I feel them in my heart and in my groin.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I was once lost
but now I’m found
Was blind
but now I see

I want to conceal the existence of my youth,
but I want to share stories about morning cartoons
on exhausted weekend mornings when he and I
would rather stay in bed than face the lives that existed
before one another, without one another.
These days before him are long, full of longing.
My skin is eager for the feeling of another’s skin. I’m searching through faces,
forcing myself into crowds,
looking for the boots, cologne, memories, dawn.
I am looking for a man with bad habits,
who I can grow to resent, a person who doesn’t want me.
I can still taste the mulberries
and I can already feel his body.

Notes

Written 28 December 2000 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Hymn I: Mulberries” from Okie Dokie (Scissortail Press, 2019)