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Stillwater, Oklahoma

2. THE WEATHER

I have stood under skies full of rain.
I have been a scared child, comforted
by the clouds which might burst into storms,
and by hail, the chaos of thunder.
I have seen the bright sun in the sky,
oddly close, maybe more than before,
close enough to reach up, touch its rays
if not for exhaustion from the heat.
Everything start to wilt on those days,
our spirits, slumped lilies still standing,
thinking back on Easter’s soft beauty.

Notes

Written 19 February 2020

Brian Fuchs, “Stillwater, Oklahoma” from Scissor-tailed Flycatcher (Scissortail Press, 2020)

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It’s been a stormy weekend, which I love.  The rest of the week felt  a little chaotic, but life in general seems a little chaotic right now.  I did start working on an art project, which I hadn’t done in a very long time!  I’m excited about it, but more I’m excited to just get a few things done finally.

I’ve been working on my Thoughts On Humans series, and I’m enjoying writing it.  I do worry that I babble a lot and say very little, but I’m hoping that I get better at making coherent thoughts as I do it more.  I’m also trying to figure out how to get the word out that I’m active again.  I love having people who are reading and commenting, but I had been inactive for so many years that I need to rebuild that group.  I don’t want to annoy folks for sure, but I do want to figure out how to get the word out.

This world seems to be falling apart.  I try to keep my politics to myself, but I cannot fail to comment on the imprisonment of children whose parents are seeking asylum.  I don’t know why anti-immigrant sentiment has gotten so bad, but it is unAmerican to not allow in those in need of help or in search of new opportunities.  There is never a time when someone needs to be repressed.  When we lift people up, we all rise and this world becomes a better place.  There is a persistent narrative being pushed that immigrants are coming to take our jobs and commit crimes against us.  That is blatant racism in my opinion.  There aren’t droves of people just waiting to come destroy us.  We are a melting pot, a mix of native, immigrant, and forcibly relocated people.  We are a country without a single culture or color, a land where the rest of the world should be able to look and see endless diversity.  Tribalism and racism dressed up as nationalism is unacceptable.  It’s also antithetical to the values so commonly invoked: American, Christian, human.  Hate cannot be defeated with hate, and so the way forward is difficult.  Those of us who believe that loving our neighbor is a core piece of our morality will have to work hard to combat the hate with love.

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Brrr…

Today felt warm, which bothered me. It was only 19°. It has been very cold. My fingers feel numb after running to my car & back inside most mornings and the wind has just brought more arctic air than I remember from all of last winter. The gale blows through the small spaces in my north facing door, making it nearly impossible to keep my places warm. It seems too big now, vaulted ceilings no longer holding the aethetic they did over the summer. During those warmer days, I would open up windows throughout the house and enjoy the 65° air gently moving through. Nature was welcome into my home. It has overstayed.

I purchased two space heaters — an attempt to keep the temperature up, as the floor radiators just aren’t enough. It is working out fine, but I am told that my place is still too cold and my friends don’t take their coats off, leaving after only a few minutes. They don’t want to be here. Under those conditions, neither do I. I have acclimated to this environment and rarely feel chilly anymore, but a home without visitors is depressing. I think I should like to find a new place next summer, before the mercury drops. I think I am stuck for now though. Not only do I feel an obligation to my family (my aunt & uncle own my duplex), but I promised myself last year to not move during the winter again.

Wall To Wall Sadness:

Jess leaves for Arizona on Monday. I had promised her not to blog about her, but I want the world to know that I will miss her. I will miss her opinions. I will miss her “rawr!” I will miss her NBC peacock t-shirt. I will miss her advice, even when I don’t want it. I will miss her red hair. I will miss her dancing. I will miss our secret long-nosed greeting. I will miss her bitterness. I will miss her caring. I will miss her coaxing me to do things when I don’t know I really want to do things. I will miss her advice when I really need it. I will miss her laugh. I will miss her ruminating. I will miss her concern for Heather. I will miss her point, pause, “yes.” I will miss her long skirts. I will miss her beautiful face. I will miss the way she knows how utterly important she is. Jess, I love you and will miss you.Continue Reading

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Rain:
Glorious rain!!! I love it… I really do. I could sleep all day just having the sound of rain outside my window. I already slept for 15 hours today, so I think I might back off and just enjoy it while I am awake. We need more storms this year.

Secret:
It all seems like a dream now. Too long ago to remember the details even though it was just last weekend. HINT 2: I have done this with all but 1 of my friends.

I am still a nerd!

Vacation:
I am on my mini vacation now. It started when I left work yesterday, but since I slept all day I say it starts now. I have almost nothing planned, which is great. I think I will go to Lori’s this evening, Stillwater tomorrow to see the family, then Saturday and Sunday I will probably just hang out at home, with a brief break to go out to the Majestic. I need to get some friends to go with me, but I doubt that will happen. I will spend Saturday cleaning I think. I know I keep saying it, but even I hate to be at my house right now. Blah to my house. So I need to do something. Hang the curtains I got, clean the floors, take stuff to Goodwill. Lots to do.Continue Reading

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Weather:
It is so nice out in the evenings lately. I love fall because getting colder is so much more satisfying to me than getting warmer. I can’t wait for winter.

Money:
I am still stressed over the whole issue (and mainly because nothing has changed). I have done well at not spending any money though. Even the Ellen DVD I got today was an exchange from something I purchased in July. I want the money issue to go away, but I know that it won’t just because I ignore it. That may just make it worse. Blah.

Stress:
Stress seems to be going around lately. It was out in full force today, with the exception of Lori. Her moods never seem to follow the normal pattern. Funny girl. There is just so much to do at work that I need to stop and think out a logical sequence or I will never get it all done correctly. It is driving me nuts… nuts, I tell ya. Really, things are fantastic… considering.Continue Reading

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Storm:
It’s been raining now for a couple of hours. I love a good storm, but I am the idiot who still has his computer plugged in… and on. I could deal with this weather all day today, but I think it’s going away this morning.

Vacation:
I can’t wait for my vacation. I just made plans last night to stop on my way through OKC to stop and see my brother’s family.

(KC…Yay!)
Isn’t she pretty. I would also like to be able to see my nephew, Conner. He is my other brothers kid. They live in Stillwater, so it isn’t as on the way as it could be… we probably won’t stop. I love being an uncle.

Becky:
It scares me that I haven’t heard from Becky yet. I hope she is not as upset with me as I now fear she could be… I am just not sure what to do. Maybe I should drop it and move on with my life… easier said… My mom tried to call earlier and I suddenly felt quite guilty over telling Becky, as my mom asked me never to tell family… It is still my path and I don’t like being pressured to do, or to not do, anything.Continue Reading

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Sleep: (added at 5:56 a.m.)

Or lack of it. After tossing and turning from 3:00 to now I decided it isn’t going to happen — and if it does I will oversleep. I have to be at work at 8:00. 2 more hours and then my hellish day will begin. I don’t know what the problem is, but I haven’t had a normal amount of sleep in over a week. I even lied to my friends, telling them I slept all day yesterday. I didn’t. I am definately feeling the effects of this now. I should get something to help (or see a doctor). Oh well…

Work:

I am so tired of everyone at work! Okay, just 3 of them. Anyway, they all need to be fired or quit. I am so sick of trying to so my job when others insist on doing NOTHING. Egad! Everything should be fixed soon… Thank God I had a day off today.

Storm:

The other day a storm ripped through town with winds up to 75 miles per hour. Something like 70,000 people lost power. It was weird because it was quite a nice day before and after. My parents e-mailed me to tell me they lost a tree. I liked that tree a lot. An ice storm did a number on it a couple of years ago.

Daisy and I were out when the winds came in. We took shelterr at the mall. After sitting in the parking garage for an hour (we both HATE the mall), we went in briefly to buy some stuff at Bath & Body. Then we went to Cracker Barrel for a 3:00 p.m. breakfast. It was so good — I had not eaten all day. After a brief discussion on going home we went shopping for clothes. Together we spent $400 or so, which is crazy!!! We figured up our totals yesterday — we each spent the same amount. I did not intend to spend so much on clothes I will hate in a week anyway. We then ordered pizza and watched Return Of the King. Good day despite the frightening storm. Oh, and we ran into Molly and Jeff at Target.

Family:

It bothers me a little that I haven’t seen my family since sometime in March or early April. I used to see them once a week. Hmmm… Maybe it is somewhat my fault, but they pass by my house frequently. For me to visit it at least 45 minutes in a direction I wasn’t already going. Maybe I should say something. Or maybe I should stop whining — I hate it when people do that.Continue Reading