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Vote:

I have decided to vote. I was wavering last week, but I think it is important for me to just do it. Part of my problem is that Oklahoma has already been declared and no votes have taken place.  I know that my vote doesn’t really count in the long run and that is disheartening. I guess the only way to change things is to get out there. It makes me terribly sad that discrimination will be added to the Oklahoma constitution with the anti gay marriage amendment. It also makes me sad that consumers of cigarettes will be saddled with additional taxes.  This is one of the many things that irritates me. I have never understood this, even before I started smoking. Raising taxes on a small part of the population is not an acceptable substitute for parenting.

Soapbox:

Society is not responsible for the following: smoking, underage drinking, gambling problems, or disrespect. Parents are. Too often, parents sit around waiting for morality to fall into their children’s laps.  Apathetic and lazy parenting is to blame for kids not understanding how to behave around other people. It always amazes me how wonderful my parents are. They really taught us responsibility, respect, a strong work ethic, and the importance of family. I am so proud to be a part of what seems to be such a rare type of family.

🎃 Halloween Fun:

I hope my Halloween is relaxing. I plan on cleaning, carving a jack-o-lantern, and watching The Others with Lori. I really want to get this place cleaned up… I don’t know why I can’t get my brain to work properly. I just can’t get myself to organize the way Lori, my dad, and so many others I know can. They all argue that I have too much, but I don’t really think that is the problem.  Anyway, what better way to spend a day off than making my house more livable. I invited Patrick and Justin to join us, but for some reason they will be doing a lot of work… it seems a little odd that they would be so busy on a Sunday, but I guess the homeowners have the day off so landscaping is more of a weekend thing.

Commercial:

Although the Child Abuse Network does extremely important work, the commercial playing in Oklahoma is scary. Wynonna Judd is HUGE. And the top she is wearing just gave me a headache. God, it is annoying.Continue Reading

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Lament For Tooth #30:

It is done. Satisfied with the amount of decrease in infection, Dr. Coffey gassed me, gave me shots, and ripped my quickly dying tooth from my jaw. The process was not too bad actually. The hygienist was very nice, which always helps. Unfortunately, I require multiple shots before achieving numbness. That only made the wait take longer. When I was as numb as I was getting, he worked to pry the tooth loose, which it was not interested in.  Some impromptu surgery and sutures later, the tooth is completely gone. Then came the bleeding. It only took me 3 or 4 hours to get the clot to form, which I am telling myself is normal. Now I am just supposed to take it easy for 24 hours, which should be easy (considering that is all I do with my life usually).

Why would I want to hang on to a part of my body that didn’t have the courtesy to stay alive? Seriously though, the dentist and the nurse who wrapped stuff up both offered me the black and shattered tooth remnants. Yes, those would go great with my body parts collection. Or maybe with my collection of old broken things that have died. No thank you. I do not want to keep the tooth.

It always irritates me when I have to come back. Next week the sutures will come out and a comprehensive exam of my teeth will be completed so that a long term treatment plan can be established to both fill the gap in my teeth and have fillings reset to prevent losing the other 5 teeth that are in the same danger. I don’t know that he understood that I want as much done by December 31 as possible because I met my deductible the other day for 2004. I still say it is stupid that teeth don’t rank as a medical expense.

Sleepy:

Codeine is one of the nicest parts of any medical visit, dentist of otherwise. It does make me sleepy though. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to wait on my hand and foot instead of being at my parents’ house waiting for chili I know I won’t like and not being able to sleep because the menu for the Shrek DVD will not allow me to sleep.

I need a man for more reasons than that. There was a guy in today that made me realize that I may have moved on from bois to men. He was in his 40s, very built, but with no neck. He was very attractive to me. But then I was thinking about how I wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of man.

Family:

I am at my parents’ house, as I said, which I love because I grew up in this house. I have been the most against selling this house as my parents looked for somewhere else to live, but I like the idea if it means building our very own homestead.

Conner has been so great today. He told me this story about his uncle John (my sister-in-law’s brother) scaring him as a wolf at the downtown trick-or-treat night. It was cute, but being the defiant kid he is made sure that I understood that he hit Uncle John. Today was also the first time Conner called me Uncle Brian. It was nice, as Conner has always called me Brent.

I can’t sleep here. If it had the walls, carpet, furniture, accessories, appliances, or smell it had while I was growing up it would be more relaxing. But it is not. Everything has changed (even the toilet and tub!) I can’t wait to drive home and sleep in my own bed for the rest of the day.

Gifts:

Am I the gayest person on the planet??? I have gotten what I need to make pillows, throws, and/or sachets. It will be nice to save money and have given something so meaningful.

Let It All Out:

I am on a roll with pissing people off. So, here goes again. A few weeks ago, I mentioned a secret that I kept until now from my friends. Specifically, Lori and Jess who would be most affected by the news. I went dancing the night we went out for Jess’ birthday. I went after I refused to be the DD. But that is a major part of my point.

Jim called at 11:30. He and his boyfriend were to be at the Majestic in 30 minutes. It had been so long that I put myself together and met them there, where I danced away.

I never want to be a DD. If it comes up, then fine, but I don’t want to be asked to go somewhere just because I have decided to not drink. I am nobody’s bitch. Again, I don’t mind helping out, but these things must be on my own terms.Continue Reading

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Lori:

I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.

Weird:

Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.

Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.

I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.

Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.

Being Alone:

I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.

Hurt:

My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?

Justin Things:

I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.

I LOVE YOU

You see me as I wish I were.

You hear what I really mean,

And not only what I say;

You always know how I feel.

You help me be a better person.

Bradley Tyler

It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.

Prayers:

Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.

Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.Continue Reading

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I started taking penicillin for a tooth infection Monday after seeing the dentist. By Tuesday morning I was feeling quite sick.  By Tuesday afternoon I was in bed where I would stay for the next 27 hours. I was very ill. I still don’t feel great, but I am still taking the antibiotic from hell and have forced myself to eat. Unfortunately, none of my side effects call for stopping the use of the drug. Blah. I guess I will be happy once the tooth is gone and the pain from that has been relieved. For now I am just happy to not be in bed.Continue Reading

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🎂 Happy birthday to my mom!!!

Yesterday:
I spent the day playing with Conner & KC. My brothers and I were taken to see the land my parents just purchased. I really liked it because it is quite large and surrounded by trees. They are planning a house, garden, lake… it all sounds great. My family is really not a city one. Our tendancy towards farms makes this location great. It is secluded, while not being too far from the turnpike or town. I also watched some TV with my parents. That was after Conner went home and KC went to bed.

Today:
I woke up really early (6:20) and went to the dentist. After messing around in my mouth for a while, it was decided that the tooth really should come out… I already knew that and had made that clear. However, because of the severity of the infection I must wait a week. Blah. He was surprised that I didn’t end up in the hospital and I guess I feel lucky for that. The rest of the day was lazy. I was in pain from all the messing with my tooth, so I slept a little. We then watched Dr Phil and I finally left. I just wanted to be at home with my bed and my shower and my stuff.

Tomorrow:
I have to go in really early tomorrow… 7:00. At least I won’t be drugged up like I will be next week. I feel like I never get any rest anymore. Maybe I will just have to sleep tomorrow evening. Blah blah blah.Continue Reading

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Book(s):
I got and plan on starting Closet Case by Robert Rodi. I am interested in all of his books, but that one really sounded like the best. I really need to read more, but I need to get new glasses. I can barely see. It makes it frustrating to try and read anything.

Friends:
I love friends. Justin came over and watched Clash Of The Titans with me the other day. I think I am officially over that movie. Once upon a time I loved it, but I guess I have moved on with my life. Anyway, we later went to Wal-Mart, where we both had to pick up copies of The Day After Tomorrow, which we thought got a bad rap just because the wolves looked ridiculously fake. It was good for what it was and that is all it should be judged on. It was great formula disaster, better than made for TV, but certainly not the best of its kind. I dropped him off at his house and he went in to get my DVDs I had loaned him and Patrick. When he returned, he had a snapdragon in a starter pot, which he offered me. It was weird and a little funny. I took it and when I returned home I planned on giving it to Lori. As I walked by her house, her living room light went out so I quickly ran up and knocked on the door… no answer. So I unlocked the door and sat the plant in an obvious place and left. I am tired of giving people gifts. They appreciate them, but I don’t necessarily want them to. I am turning into my dad, giving things away all the time. It is exhausting when you are at any store and everything reminds you of someone you know. I should just not buy!!!

Shauna (ex roommate), Nathan (her kid), and Bryce (her brother) came into the store on Friday. It was nice to see them. It had been a very long time. I really miss James (Shauna’s husband) though. I really connected well with him when I lived with them, but haven’t seen him in a long time and I miss him. He is very much a homebody, not even wanting to venture beyond his house for long, so it is hard to see him without going over there. I should just go.

Haven’t seen Jess in a while, but I am sure work is keeping her busy lately.

Birthdays:
KC had her 1st birthday Friday. Meghan shared the day as her 21st. Franz, my cat, shared the same day as his 3rd. Mom’s birthday is tomorrow. I will be in Stillwater later today to celebrate. Brent and Laurisa (my brother and sister-in-law) will be in town too. I hardly ever see them now that they live an hour in the other direction of my parents. I also haven’t seen Jason since he was born. It will be a fun day. I hope if I take a movie my mom and I will be able to watch it in peace at some point. No more birthdays until November after this one.

Health:
I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I am one of those dentist fearing people. I don’t really understand it, but I just don’t really like going. I have an abscess so I hope that I will have a tooth removed. It really needs to go. I hate that such a small thing can impact my overall sense of well being. It makes me feel sick all over!!!

Observation I made at work: Our inability to keep paper from cutting our skin is the dumbest thing ever. God seriously needs to rethink that whole thing. I was ringing someone up and the cover on the book he was buying sliced very easily into my finger… ouch!!!

Work:
Things seem to be getting much better. It is great to have employees who support me. I am impressed with everyone in my department at the moment and it really feels great. They are the best!!! I again enjoy my job and I am grateful for that.

Audacity: We have a man who keeps coming in the store and harassing a certain person in my department. He started out as a shoplifter, but has recently started only coming in to just show that we as a store do not scare him. Although he does not have the opportunity to steal, he does have an opportunity to make people uncomfortable. It is to the point that I wish I didn’t have to schedule certain people alone, but can’t penalize them for the actions of one asshole. I am just venting as I can see no way to get rid of him. Our store is willing to call the police on him, but he flees before it ever gets to that. It is aggravating.Continue Reading

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Wednesday
Stayed up too late and then slept most of the day away. I had some fantastic dreams, but all I can remember is that they were great. I have no details left from them. Oh well. I guess I wouldn’t have done anything productive with my day anyhow, so the oversleeping doesn’t matter.

Family:
Mom called last night in between movies. There is a lot going on. My parents bought 20 acres of land, my dad was offered a job, KC’s birthday is Friday, Mom’s is Monday, Stan has invited everyone to Dallas for Thanksgiving, which leaves my family to do our own thing in Stillwater. I actually prefer that. I don’t have the time to go to Dallas, so I would have been at home anyway. My parents are living out my dad’s dream of buying land and building a home on it. They plan on keeping 5 of the 20 they got.

Movies:
Lori and I watched Sleepy Hollow, The Blair Witch Project, and Starship Troopers last night. It was insane, but we already planned to watch some more movies tonight. I want to watch Sliding Doors and Used People, so we’ll see if I can get my way on those.Continue Reading