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Voting?
I am sitting here listening to this most painful rhetoric coming from my television. I strongly believe in “anyone but Bush,” not necessarily backing any certain person. When offered John Kerry, by way of nomination, I backed him. But I still don’t agree with Kerry 100%. And now I can’t decide if I should get out and vote or just let Bush take Oklahoma without my opposition, which would not make a difference anyway. I also cannot even choose a candidate based on interest in my own life. Kerry is not our strongest defender, as gays. It drives me nuts that this is where we will be for the next 4 years. I am so tired of a group of people with larger numbers than most other minorities is being ignored. With the exception of the Hispanic community, gays and lesbians are the largest minority group in the U.S. But we have no voice — no real support.

I didn’t choose to be gay; I didn’t choose to be alive; all I can do is make the most of what has happened to this world and pray that one of these days (maybe after I am gone), gays and lesbians will gain the right to be happy. It will happen, so why make those here today suffer.

I am feeling very political today, in spite of myself.

Featured Image Art: Kerry/Edwards campaign illustration

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Sick:
I was sick all weekend. I started feeling ill Thursday night and didn’t feel better until today. Blah to that. I know I am sick all the time, but this was stomach related. I was also avoiding the phone during that time. Saturday we went to dinner for Jess’ birthday. We had a lot of fun until I ate and became a yucky again. But I am feeling quite well today, albeit a little tired.

Secret:
I didn’t share something with any of my friends and it is exciting. It isn’t good or bad, just a secret. Technically, 2 people know. It is exciting just to keep stuff from people sometimes… oh, and to talk about the fact that I am doing so. HINT: “I’m an…”

I am such a nerd!

Work:
The store managers’ conference is over and we have ours back. Some of her stuff was mailed and haven’t yet arrived. I love this part of the holiday season. She got some fun stuff for me last year since it was my 5 year anniversary with Barnes & Noble, but I expect run-of-the-mill-still-cool-cause-its-free stuff this year. It is nerdy to want promotional crap, but I do.

Featured Image Art: photo by Rex Pickar (via Unsplash)

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DVD:
I finished season 1 of Ellen (technically These Friends Of Mine). I had forgotten how dramatically the look changed throughout the 13 episodes in that season. Hair, clothes, characters, sets… I don’t think that Anita was given a chance to really shine. Maggie Wheeler is hilarious, but her character had very few opportunities to show it. Holly improves as the season goes by, but should have gotten the axe sooner. I really like Adam though. I am glad he lasts a little longer. It is weird that the only character that makes it through the entire series is Ellen herself. Can’t wait for season 2 in February!!!

Money:
I went to consumer credit counseling. They were not able to help. Apparently, you have to overextend yourself with more places to qualify for help there. I understand it, but I really don’t know what I can do about it. I need $6,000 yesterday and seemingly no way to get it. Blah.

Job #2:
I have not heard back from anyone, but still have some applications to take back. I really want to clear up my life so I can be financially content again.

Featured Image Art: photo by Alfred Kenneally (via Unsplash)

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Weather:
It is so nice out in the evenings lately. I love fall because getting colder is so much more satisfying to me than getting warmer. I can’t wait for winter.

Money:
I am still stressed over the whole issue (and mainly because nothing has changed). I have done well at not spending any money though. Even the Ellen DVD I got today was an exchange from something I purchased in July. I want the money issue to go away, but I know that it won’t just because I ignore it. That may just make it worse. Blah.

Stress:
Stress seems to be going around lately. It was out in full force today, with the exception of Lori. Her moods never seem to follow the normal pattern. Funny girl. There is just so much to do at work that I need to stop and think out a logical sequence or I will never get it all done correctly. It is driving me nuts… nuts, I tell ya. Really, things are fantastic… considering.

Featured Image Art: photo by Matt (via Unsplash)

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Halloween:
I decorated my house for halloween, so I thought I would decorate my blog too. Yay Halloween!!!

Movies:
Lori & I watched Vulgar and Nightmare Before Christmas tonight. Vulgar was disturbing. I think next time I watch, I will skip over the parts that were awful. I thought it was good. Nightmare Before Christmas was excellent as usual. It was the first time Lori had seen it, but I think she liked it. I enjoy it.

I decided I wanted a movie night each week, so those were the selections this week. Next week, probably One Hour Photo & Eight Legged Freaks. I think for our sanity we need to watch something light after something so heavy. We’ll be on Halloween movies all month! Sleepy Hollow, Strangers On A Train, Mary Reilly, Monkeybone, Gods & Monsters, and maybe a little Harry Potter! I invited Jess to join us, but I didn’t realize I was going to start it today.

Featured Image Art: vintage Halloween postcard

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The Ends Refuse To Meet!
I think it is official, boys and girls. Brian is going to need a second job. I have really tried to make it without over the past year, putting things off, taking out loans, paying what I could. But in the end, it just seems that I really need more money. Mind you, I don’t like thinking about money as much as this, but I really have no choice.

After refiguring my budget, I discovered that my bills are higher than my current salary, which sucks. I will collect applications this weekend from retail stores near my store and hopefully can make it work somehow. I hate it, but what can you do. I think it will be okay, but I really want to hold on to everything. I have resisted for so long, but now I must grow up.

I would also love to have a roommate again, but that will not happen. My trusty “need-a-place-to-live” friends both have boyfriends now and are living with them. I am happy for them, but I didn’t do a good job of becoming independant before that happened. Blah.

I know there is not way of getting rich quick, but I welcome any ideas on making extra cash in addition to the second job. I don’t want to lose my house over my own stupidity, nor do I want to leave my current job. However, if an opportunity arises and I need to choose between my home and a job I like, I will be forced to leave the company I love. I wish there was an easy answer. Update (Sunday, Sept 26): I applied at Walgreens. I picked up applications for Petco, Ross, Deals, & Joann. Michaels was chaotic and out of apps. I might try Dollar General, Dollar Tree, Old Navy, Petsmart, Kohl’s, Wal-Mart, or a mall store tomorrow. If anyone has information on any of these places, let me know. Thanks.

Friends:
I e-mailed Cindy, Jerry’s sister, yesterday. It was nice to hear from her after so long. She is such a fun person. I hope to get in touch with Jerry again soon. I haven’t heard from him since January and we weren’t in a good place then. I hate all of that and want to just talk again. He really is important to me.

Jessica and I updated her site last night. It was fun and it turned out pretty well. I don’t like writing in CSS as well as I liked HTML, but I think the result makes it worth it to do so. Her page looks nice now. Plus, changes should be pretty easy for her to make.

Justin and I need to discuss the fact that he never calls unless he needs me to check the mail for him. I know he is busy, but c’mon.

Featured Image Art: photo by Towfiqu Barbhuiya (via Unsplash)

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Friends:
I got this amazing card from a friend early early early this morning when I finally got home from work (2:30 a.m.). Essentially, the card stated that I have things together in my life while that isn’t true of everyone. I think I see the perspective intended, but I don’t totally agree. I think that different things are important to different people. For me, money is not important. Yes, I do need it to pay the bills, but I don’t let it run my life. That isn’t to say I have any. Owning a home was also a priority of mine. Having purchased a home and not worrying about money when I don’t have to, my life seems to be fine. Again, just because I don’t complain about money doesn’t mean I have any. And although I can take care of my two cats without thought, I can’t keep a plant alive to save my life.

Other things have more value to friends than they do to me. As money is a concern, sometimes going back to school is a priority. Or getting a promotion. It isn’t that my life is any more in order. It is just different. I still am a mess. I can’t keep my house clean, bills paid on time, and I have never had a boyfriend. Those things get me down from time to time. But I can look to this friend or that one and find them executing those things with ease and it gives me hope that I can someday do the same.

I really loved the letter because it is good to hear what others think of you when you feel like a royal fuck-up most of the time. I hope all the people in my life realize how much I care about them. At the risk of being sappy and a little silly, I think I should tell some of the people in my life what I admire about them.

Justin: You have overcome so much and are such an interesting person. I really love how close you are to your sister, at times willing to drop everything to help her out with the kids. I am so happy that you have found someone, even if it reminds me that I haven’t. It gives me hope that I can someday. I admire your job and the hard work involved.

Travis: Thank you for being my friend for so long and through so many personal traumas. It has really helped. I wish I had your drive in school. Maybe then I would have done something more than retail. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but teaching may be a bit more rewarding. It drives me up the wall most of the time, but I actually admire the way you budget and save your money. I really just appreciate you on so many levels.

Lori: Girl, you really are my “Grace.” I love how you are determined to move up in the world. I admire the honesty you have with yourself concerning money, health, and love. I love that you lower standards for nobody and you are steadfast in your beliefs and morals. You are such a dedicated worker that I feel like I am doing so little by comparison. I love that you are so full of empathy and that you will sit and listen when I need that.

Jessica: …don’t be upset for this… I am so profoundly amazed at how courageous you are in spite of a complete lack of parental involvement in your adult life. It is wonderful that you are sure enough of yourself to go on, complaining only mildly. I love your sense of humor and sense of fun. You are such a neat person to be around.

JD: You really have it together. Really. You have my taste, Travis’ budgeting ability, and a child on top of it. You might be the happiest person I have ever met and my life has been so full because of you. I admire your absolute devotion to Kendra, your humor, your compassion. You are the person I wish I could be with sometimes.

Jerry: who will never read this… I really miss you. I don’t know where you are, since your boyfriend won’t let you talk to me, but I do miss you. You were my first gay friend and got me through coming out to my parents. I really admire that you never take shit from anyone.

Everyone else: There are things about everyone I love. That is why you are my friends. That includes xanga friends, John, Jim, Robby, & the rest. It includes work friends, Christine, Meghan, Jill, Brandy, Ray, & the rest. Love to all!!!

Featured Image Art: Peter Stanick, “Guy”

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Apathy:
I think it is taking me more to be apathetic and lazy than it would to actually do something. I don’t like that. I would love to just clean and work out and write and pay bills. All those things I just don’t get around to because I am too busy wasting as much time doing literally nothing. I guess the first step is admitting there is a problem.

I also feel bad because I know I owe Justin some money, but haven’t gotten around to giving it to him even though I have it. Oh well.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not in a bad mood or anything like that. I am actually feeling good that I have made a mental effort at least. I think that so much had been going on that I just wished I could be a kid and not deal with this whole life thing. It is fine though…

Things I Love:
(for those who thought I was down because of the hate list…)
•I love popcorn
•I love Madonna
•I love feeling infinite
•I love privacy
•I love watching movies
•I love eating cinnamon candy until my tongue burns.
•I love my iMac
•I love having brothers
•I love planning projects I will never finish.
•I love just being with Travis and not having to talk.
•I love Sonic
•I love looking at myself in the mirror when I am cute.
•I love smoking cloves
•I love Sanrio
•I love imagining having a boyfriend
•I love reading
•I love eating squash
•I love dandelions
•I love remembering walking home from school with Carla (and sometimes Bonnie).
•I love candlelight
•I love letting JD & Lori talk.
•I love Christmas (secretly)
•I love buying clothes
•I love my kibbies (cats) Molly & Franz
•I love ginger (cookies, mints, toothpaste, ale/beer)
•I love remembering first grade, the year I was in a wheelchair from Legg Perthes and having to learn to walk again.
•I love the smell of laundry
•I love being fairly simple
•I love IKEA
•I love Earl Grey tea
•I love Roseanne (TV)
•I love when it is really really cold and I can pull a blanket over myself and watch Little Women.
•I love Shout Color Catchers
•I love the trip I took to France
•I love music

Updates to Love:
•I love it when Jess makes cookies for me (and it’s not about the cookies…)
•I love Justin’s made up words
•I love how Jerry understands me so much and we can talk for hours (I miss him so much it hurts)
•I love work
•I love Xanga friends (I am not just saying that either!), specifically, but not limited to venusunfolding, goofynuttyboy, confess_or_explode, imanalien, TheBlahBook, tonys_2k2, upandoutward, jrat, Ice_Falcon

Obviously, I knew I had left people in my life out. I sorry. The original list was totally off the top of my head.

Featured Image Art: unknown comic illustration

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He was born at 10:00 p.m. Tuesday night (Sept 14), full name Jason William Doyle Fuchs. A lot of names, I know. I went over yesterday to see him and he is very cute. He has a full head of hair and the longest toes ever. It was nice until the room filled with too many people. I then went to my parents house to see them and Conner (my nephew, Jason’s brother), who also has a long name: Conner Curtis Christopher “Jose” Fuchs. He was a lot of fun. I read Danny and the Dinosaur to him and we played with stickers, which he is really obsessed with right now. He will be 3 in December. He loves Jason (at least for now) and was telling strangers at the hospital all about his new brother. It was a great evening.

Here is a picture of Squirt (Conner) with “Duck” and “Bear” who he cannot go anywhere without.

Post Photos: Janessa & Jason; Conner with Duck & Bear

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & Jason

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Things I Hate:
•I hate cleaning my house.
•I hate being lied to.
•I hate feeling helpless.
•I hate feeling like I am doing well at my job, but still having my manager hover because she does not agree.
•I hate being out of Big Red (soda).
•I hate sweating.
•I hate avoiding phone calls from my family.
•I hate not seeing Justin anymore.
•I hate being alone.
•I hate being around people when I am lonely.
•I hate my bed.
•I hate homophobia.
•I hate ironing.
•I hate wrinkled clothes.
•I hate being overweight.
•I hate alcoholism.
•I hate money.
•I hate not knowing things.
•I hate Pulp Fiction.
•I hate sitting around doing nothing.
•I hate people calling out at work.
•I hate Janessa being uncomfortable.
•I hate being sad all the time.
•I hate pretending that I am not sad all the time.
•I hate the way I treat people when I am crabby.
•I hate ham.
•I hate having headaches because I won’t put money aside to get new glasses.
•I hate wearing glasses.
•I hate not being able to wear contacts.
•I hate hate.
•I hate having so few friends.
•I hate driving.
•I hate that I buy things to make myself happy because I am never happy so I am always spending money.
•I hate lists like this.
•I hate me sometimes.
•I hate the world.
•I hate that people try to regulate my right to legally commit to anyone I want.
•I hate being out of cigarettes.
•I hate Rodney Dangerfield.
•I hate the death penalty.
•I hate having popcorn stuck in my teeth.
•I hate birds.

Featured Image Art: unknown comic illustration

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???
I know, I know… I have been missing in action. Actually, I was having Internet issues, but spent the weekend watching DVDs at Lori’s so I didn’t worry about it. I just called and got it fixed.

Sunday in the car with Lori:
Lori and I spent all night watching Big Brother 3 DVDs Saturday night. We finally decided to sleep at 8:45 Sunday morning. We settled for a nap really. I was up and about by noon. She had come over, tried to figure out the computer problem, and decided to go back to her house. I could see that something was troubling her. So, I told her I wanted to go thrift store shopping and she was coming with me. She told me that she wasn’t dressed for it, to which I replied “then go get that way.” We had fun trying to find Goodwill, a particular one anyway. Before finding it, we discovered this kinda skanky thrift store where everything is 50% off. I usually think such places are ridiculous. They almost always clearly mark the prices twice what the items are worth. But this one was done well. The prices were similar to other thrift stores, but then you took off half. I loaded up on sweaters. I got some nice ones. We then went to Goodwill, where I found some corduroy pants and drapes. They are God-awful blue on white almost damask, almost toile, vinyl textured things. I also got yellow and pink ones in the same pattern. They are so bad that they are perfect for my house and I might just grow to love them. Lori scored a cute sweater that I swear she already owns and a sweatshirt. I actually really liked the sweatshirt… It has the cricket green couch on the front and the shirt is mint green. Weird, but fun. We then went to Don Pablo’s for lunch. I love fish tacos, but the ones there aren’t my favorites. They were okay, but not as good as say Atomic Burrito. Then we went back to her house and watched Will & Grace DVDs. It was an excellent day.

Featured Image Art: photo by drapes I got from Goodwill

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Faboo:
Lulu Faboo had a sale. Yes, that means I needed more stuff. I picked up the Tare Panda trash can I was eyeing last time I was there. I think I will use it for something else though. I also got a few stickers for work, but really I held back. I would love to go back and get a little more, but I think the sale is over… maybe I am wrong.

BB5:
I fully expect Karen to be evicted tonight, but I am going to be very upset about it anyway.

Featured Image Art: Sanrio character Deery-lou, The Cheerful Fawn

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Family:
I talked to my mom last night. I felt bad that I couldn’t go to the cookout they had tonight. My issues really! I did find out what had gone wrong the other day. Apparently, her medications had a negative reaction with one another. She didn’t even know who she was, let alone what she was doing. Her doctor was surprised she was even able to get out of bed. Her response was that sometimes, she wasn’t. All should be better now. The drugs she is on now are more compatible with one another. I am super happy. It was the second time in the past six months that she sounded normal. I am a jerk for not making plans to go over there tonight… Oh well. I will have to next weekend.

Friends:
Everyone was having a good time this weekend, while I pretty much just slept. I always assume that my body needs the sleep if I do that. It really must. I wish I could have gone to Travis’ this weekend, but really need to soon. I need to get away again. And I still have a ton of vacation to use up. Did I whine about not getting an extra day off this week yet? I also really want to help Travis with his house and I have some great ideas. I hope he goes for them. Everything I thought of really says Travis and Sandra to me…

Me:
I think I would make the best boyfriend…
(okay, if I didn’t whine so much!!!)

Featured Image Art: photo by Lars Kuczynski (via Unsplash)

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Ashamed:
I am a horrible person. I hope all is mended, but I really was hateful. Sorry. I hope we are okay and you don’t hate me. For those interested, this has to do with yesterday’s post of bitterness.

Work:
I had a wonderful day today. Nothing happened today, but it was still wonderful. I got to see Meghan and “Dimberly.” Yay!

Featured Image Art: unknown illustration

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I AM UPSET!
I cannot believe that I cannot post things on here because people do not respect this as a journal. It is not an advertisement for everything in my life. I would like my family to respect this, but since they apparently will not, most if not all future posts will be protected. I feel very hurt by this. I am especially hurt that the people involved felt the need to continue reading when I had asked them not to. I shouldn’t trust people as much as I do. Most of those who read will still be able to at least. I am sorry this is how things are right now, but hopefully it will change soon.

Ding Dong…
I forgot to mention that GDFC is gone as of Monday! I really didn’t want GDFC to fail, but that is what happened. But now we can all have a more productive and nurturing work environment. Things will be very different though…

Jason:
I may have a nephew right now. Brad said he would call, but I will understand if it is later. Jess was in labor last night, and for her sake I hope it is/was quick! With all that has happened, I should write a book. Thank you, Travis for suggesting it.

Mom:
I have no news. I pray everything is going well.

Featured Image Art: digital image from Bradley Fuchs

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