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Goodbye Kitty:
Enough already with the creepy Japanese characters… they are so gay! Hey, me too… Hmm… I really do love Sanrio, but the characters just make me look so over the top and… something. Blah.

Mom (the information I have):
Apparently, she took a large quantity of sleeping pills after some conversation with her brother. It really pisses me off. Brad took her to the hospital, where she ended up in ICU. This all occurred in the middle of the night. I finally talked to my dad this morning. A couple of times. He had me call my aunt, told me she was fine, and told me he would update me. Okay… I was at work, so fine. Brad called a little later and told me I needed to come over after work. He said my dad wanted me there, but wasn’t even aware that I had talked to him earlier today. It was frustrating. I am not going over there.

Mom (why I won’t go):
I can’t. I don’t want to be around for this. I can’t help. I can’t see her. I am upset. I don’t want to drive. I don’t want to halt my life every other week because she needs attention, which makes me sound heartless. I am angry with her. I don’t want to be just another person there. I am tired. I am stressed and nobody listens to my frustrations. I am selfish. I hate life right now and don’t want to risk a happy moment. I really feel like I just don’t want to be there. I hate hospitals right now. I do want to, but really want to be stubborn. I have things to do. I have had a long day and don’t need it to be longer. I think I make things worse because she is still having a hard time with my being gay. I just want one of these fucking days to be happy. I want to enjoy being me. I feel like my presence solves nothing. She is fine. She did this to herself. She knows I love her. She doesn’t want me to see her this way. She doesn’t want me involved this way. She wants me to just be her son.

Guilt trips are evil. I shouldn’t be required to justify my feelings just because someone else doesn’t agree. Today sucks a little.

Meghan:
Meghan managed to make me smile today. Thank you Meg.

Featured Image Art: photo of KC & LaDonna (her Nana)

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I am losing my mind and falling apart!

I went to Lori’s this afternoon to finish off the frozen pizza and my Margaret Cho DVD. I remember switching to TV and then Lori sitting down on the chair. Okay, see… she had gotten home from work, I am mysteriously sleeping in her house. I found it to be a little creepy, and I could tell it had irritated her a little bit. Granted, we had discussed me eating the pizza, but not sleeping my afternoon away. It was a little bit funny!

After that, I was awake, we ordered Chinese, and talked. But my hand freakin’ hurts. I have a sharp pain in my wrist and it is worthless for anything. I tried to use it as I stood up and it almost killed me. I don’t know what is wrong with it, but it seems that all my joints are starting to go out. I must be due for an oil change and tune up or something… I am basically falling apart. Now, I enjoy some daily pain in my neck, shoulders, hands, wrist (left only), knees, and elbow (left only). Only occasionally do I also have back, ankle, or hip pain… but I do. I really don’t mean to whine about it, but after a while, the pain can get old. Blah… This is why I should see a doctor!!!

Featured Image Art: Margaret Cho performing in Cho Revolution

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Sad:
I went to Lulu Faboo after work and treated myself to some Deery-Lou stuff (pens, stickers, and a small mirror). Deery-Lou makes me smile. I know, I know, it is a little bit sad.

Sleep:
Although it was glorious, sleeping so long last night was unfortunate because I could have gotten some stuff done. I need some time to start preparing for painting half of the living room. That involves quite a lot reorganizing so that I will have a place to move all of the furniture while I do that. And what do I do with the cats when I paint? I don’t want to board them or lock them in another room, but I may need to.

Money:
Fortunately, I keep talking myself out of spending money. I have stopped ordering so much at work, and the only DVD I want right now is one I am exchanging something for. That makes it cost nothing. I want to be the person who doesn’t buy stuff. **Explanation of the Deery-Lou: yes, it was spending money, but it actually something I had planned for, not just an impulse. That is really what makes it sad. Plus, we are talking about $11.00.

Images: Sanrio character Deery-lou

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Life is too damn complicated!!!
So, it was brought to my attention by way of big orange sticker, that my tag was way expired. I hadn’t really thought to check, since I got the car in December. Oh well… but I had no money to switch the insurance into my name and my parents didn’t want to continue the policy. I really needed to do something. I finally negotiated with my dad for him to go get the new tag, I would pick it up, and I would pay him back.

After work, I rode with Lori home because she offered to take me to Stillwater (an hour away), but she wanted to change clothes first. When I got upstairs, my electricity had been shut off. Apparently, I didn’t pay it last week like I thought. I was so irritated, but I called and paid. Of course it was too late for today.

Lori drove me to Stillwater and we only stayed briefly. On the way, I asked about sleeping at her house. A formality really, as I have fallen asleep there before. We finally got back to Tulsa at 9:45. I was feeling sick again, but this time there was the feeling of vomiting. It didn’t happen.

Back in my dark house, I took a shower by dim candlelight and daydreamed about not having electricity at all. Life would be so different… Went to Lori’s, tried to sleep, tried to sleep, tried to sleep, slept. I woke up unhappy, late, in pain, and with no patience. My illness is not a going away. I feel slightly better, but there is a dull abdominal pain involved now. I think I am fine, but will take care of it when proven wrong. Blah.

Big Brother:
Yay, it is BB5 night!

 

 

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Still Awake!
I cannot sleep and I feel like crap. I think I am getting a cold. THIS SUCKS. I didn’t leave my house at all yesterday thinking that might help. It did not. Now, I missed all the rain yesterday and I am still sick. Blah. One of these days my body will work correctly.

Music Recommendations For Meghan:
Elgin Park : Elgin Park
Jude : No One Is Really Beautiful
Jude : King Of Yesterday
Scissor Sisters : Scissor Sisters
Rufus Wainwright : Want One
Wheat : per second, per second, per second…every second
Fuck : Cupid’s Cactus
The Triplets Of Belleville soundtrack
Jim White : No Such Place
Blur : Best Of

Featured Image Art: Sanrio character Badtz-Maru

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Justin:
I am super happy because Justin has a Xanga. I am on a mission to have everyone I know on here apparently. I think he could really use it though… he has a lot to get off his heart, what with his DID or schizophrenia or whatever he has this week… I love him so much. What an excellent friend.

Me:
I discovered that I absolutely love hand massages. I love them almost as much as having my neck and shoulders clawed. It just hurts so good. Yay. I just need to find someone to massage me 24/7.

Car:
I really need to get my tag up to date… it is way expired. But I need some damn money. Blah. I also need some new insurance. It is still under my parents plan, since they gave the car to me. I just hate spending money on this crap… but I guess I have to. I really don’t want a ticket/have my car towed. This place sucks. Oh well.

Music:
I was given this list of recommendations from Meghan. I thought I would not only share the suggestions, but my thoughts on them, as I am sure she would be interested.

The Kings of Convenience : Quiet Is The New Loud
♣I was planning on purchasing another album by this group already… They are amazing!
The Format : Interventions & Lullabies
♣This was really very good!
Iron & Wine : The Creek Drank The Cradle
♣Excellent disc. Would need to think about purchasing, but I do like it.
Yo La Tengo : I Can Hear The Heart Beating As One
♣This took me back to high school too much. Maybe it is because it is from that time, but it reminded me of too many groups, without the satisfaction of a memorable song.
The Sea and Cake : One Bedroom
♣Eh… okay.
The Starlight Mints : Built On Squares
♣This is an awesome disc… at the moment. I fear it may be too novel for me and I would hate it after a short run.
Damien Rice : O
♣Had it, loved it, got old (played in-store), gave it away, only like 1 or 2 songs now.
Teitur : Poetry & Aeroplanes
♣Didn’t get to… will soon.
Eliott Smith : Either/Or
♣Didn’t get to… will soon.
Beck : Sea Change
♣When this CD was released, I mentioned to someone that I wasn’t ready for it. I knew that I would eventually enjoy it. That time has come. I listened again and love it.
Beck : Mutations
♣I didn’t listen, but I love everything Beck does!

I am coming up with a list for her now…

Featured Image Art: photo of Meghan

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Xanga:
Yay! I fixed my jacked up Windows Media Player… now I can visit xangas with music on them again. It had been locking up my browser. Whew…

I also started a “family friendly” xanga (uncle_bri). I am trying to get my mom interested in this, but don’t need her to read everything I write. I tend to reveal too much on here sometimes.

LiveJournal:
I have finally figured out everything and have come to the same conclusion. It just isn’t as good. More people, but not as good. I did run into someone I know on there. Meghan. Anyway, I am glad to understand it.

Money:
I really don’t want to upset people, but I will with this. My money is mine. I can spend it the way I want, regardless of others impressions of how much money I should have or how much stuff I shouldn’t. I do make mistakes, and I want to be corrected if an obvious oversight has been made, but if I want another DVD, that should be okay. I just feel belittled by constant “mothering.” Blah. At the same time, I don’t mind discussing things, but I think there is a problem when I feel the need to hide things I buy in my own home. Sorry, person who knows they do this. I have been so busy trying to make everyone else’s life easier (parents, brothers, co-workers…) that I left me out and have been miserable for a while now.

Being Miserable:
I started doing it again, and I hate it. Thoughts that need to go away. I haven’t been this uncomfortable being me since high school… and that was terrible. I think I am just feeling that life is purposeless, what with everyone I know dying or having major problems. Life sucks, but the weird thing is that I am in fairly good spirits. I am just apathetic, complacent, drained, and emotionally numb. I hope I have hidden it well, but I guess this pretty much puts it all out there.

I will be fine.

Featured Image Art: unknown comic image

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Stupid Locks!
When I got home from work yesterday, the guys who came in to caulk the windows had locked the lock I don’t have a key to! Blah. A guy working here had to get a ladder, climb up on the balcony (which I had unlocked), and open the door for me. It only took 45 minutes to get in… SO IRRITATING. Then, I went over to Lori’s. I didn’t take anything with me (except my phone) and left the door open because I was pretty tired and really just staying for dinner. I fell asleep. I woke up to my alarm clock on my phone… still at Lori’s. I quietly left, locking her door behind me. When I got to my door, IT WAS LOCKED!!! So I went to Lori’s, thinking I would have to wake her up somehow. Fortunately she was already up. She let me in and I located my keys on the computer desk. Now, here is the irritating thing. Jess locked it. Jess came over to use the computer (and she is welcome to enter when she wants and use the computer when she wants), but the keys were sitting right in front of her!!! Why would she lock the door, knowing I didn’t have my keys? Blah. I am sick of being locked out of my house now…

Work:
I am down to 2 employees… EGAD! I really need some new people, and then one of them was acting like she was looking for a new job. She assured me yesterday that she was not quitting (THANK GOD), but was looking to get a full time job somewhere else, making her available only on weekends. That is good AND bad. She is the closest thing I have to a lead. It’s okay; this will make her happier. Blah. It’s rather like a mass exodus at work right now, and we seriously need to start hiring.

Drama:
There seems to be a lot of drama in my life right now. My family has some issues, and I just pray everything goes well. KC gets tubes put in her ears on Thursday (she is only nine months). Jess keeps going into labor and can’t have the baby until after this coming weekend. September 17 is the due date… can we say “not gonna make it!” Mom is working towards her goals of being sober. I am super proud of her. Bradley lost his new job. I feel so bad for him because he is such a hard worker. Blah.

Bills:
Oh yeah, I am supposed to pay those, huh?

Big Brother:
The house is irritating me right now. I think that everyone is trying hard to be diplomatic, seeing as opposing sides were once in a strong alliance. It isn’t working and a lot of people are powder kegs. I think that Will is so great and I hope he gets to stay. Nik, Will, or Marvin are my current favs to win. A twin needs to go next week though!

Amazing Race:
I have really watched so little of this that I wasn’t too invested. However, I need to stop now that my favorite team was eliminated. Blah.

Featured Image Art: photo by Markus Winkler (via Unsplash)

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Music:
I am super happy!!! I just discovered that Jude released a new album, but not in stores. Blah. I ordered it from the place he offered it and can’t wait to hear it!!! He is awesome and I hope he gets back to more of a No One Is Really Beautiful feel. Yay Yay Yay!!!

Featured Image Art: cover of Sarah by Jude

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Boys:
Blah. Where are the boys?

DVDs I can watch over and over:
•Boondock Saints
•Donnie Darko
•Office Space
•Moulin Rouge
•Friends (any season)
•Queer As Folk (any season)
•Will & Grace (any season)
•I’m The One That I Want – Margaret Cho
•Metrosexuality
•Futurama (any volume)
•Zoolander
•Dogma
•Adventures Of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert

These aren’t necessarily my favorite movies, just what I tend to pop in. Now, that’s a list that makes me look gay!

Work:
Our store manager is back from her vacation. Hopefully, she had a great time and will be a joy to work with. She usually is anyway. I think I have decided that I definately want to come into a large sum of money so I will never have to work again. It would be nice to be independantly wealthy, even if I continued to work. Blah. I guess that is the American dream though: to be filthy rich and sit around all day.

Mom:
I am reading Straight Parents, Gay Children to see if my mom would benefit from it, and I really think she would at this point.

Featured Image Art: still from The Boondock Saints (2000)

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Big Brother:
I am having some trouble choosing which group I like now that the horsemen are dead. I am really siding with Will & Karen, but I fear they will soon be targeted unless the join with the twins now. Adria and Natalie are amazing players, but I don’t really want them to win. At this point, I would be happy with Jennifer, Will, or Drew. I know he was driving the house nuts, but I really liked Jase in the end. Not to win, but he made the house interesting.

That was incredibly geeky, I know.

Travis:
It is so nice to have a friend who understands me on the level that Travis does. JD almost understands me as much, but just is the slightest bit less tuned in to me. I really feel like I couldn’t get through life without Mr Travis. He is such a source of support, which has caused a lot of confusion. My parents (Travis, don’t read this part) don’t understand him or why I feel so strongly connected to him. On many occasions they have shared this and every time I am irritated that they would judge him. I don’t know why… why do I need a reason? Maybe it is because I fell in love with him. Maybe it is because he has always been there for me. Maybe it is because he is just a good guy. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Debbie should be so proud of him.

Brent:
I never give people the credit they deserve. I certainly didn’t with Brent. He has most likely known for a while that I am gay. He also would have been fine if I had actually told him. But I didn’t, and wouldn’t. He never treated me any differently, but he still knew. I am so lucky to have such brothers. They are so wonderful. Today is Brent’s birthday so I really need to call him.

Olympics:
Just watched the opening ceremonies, even though I will most likely not see most of the games. It was awesome though and I was very moved by the reception that Iraq and Afghanistan received. The fireworks at the end were also incredible and a reminder that they really spare no expense in this thing.

Featured Image Art: stills from Big Brother Season 5

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Top 10 Contemporary Books:
1. The Perks Of Being A Wallflower : Stephen Chbosky
2. Dandelion Wine : Ray Bradbury
3. Dream Boy : Jim Grimsley
4. The Foreigner : Meg Castaldo
5. Fraud : David Rakoff
6. Double Trouble : Barthe DeClements & Christopher Greimes (Children’s Book)
7. Me Talk Pretty One Day : David Sedaris
8. Where The Heart Is : Billie Letts
9. Pure Sunshine : Brian James (Teen Book)
10. This Present Darkness : Frank E Peretti

Featured Image Art: covers of Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury

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Music:
Since I love music so much, let me share my top tens with you all… sorry if this is boring. I will have stuff going on in my life soon!

Top Ten Albums (current)
1. Scissor Sisters : Scissor Sisters
2. Keane : Hopes And Fears
3. Lisa Loeb : The Way It Really Is
4. Peplab : Drive
5. Jem : Finally Woken
6. Wheat : per second, per second, per second… every second
7. Madonna : Ray Of Light
8. Robbie Williams : Sing When You’re Winning
9. Jude : No One Is Really Beautiful
10. Reindeer Section : Y’all Get Scared Now, Ya Hear!

Top Ten Songs
1. Take Your Mama : Scissor Sisters
2. Pornstar : Peplab
3. Now I Understand : Lisa Loeb
4. Angels : Robbie Williams
5. 24 : Jem
6. Comfortably Numb : Scissor Sisters
7. Nothing Really Matters : Madonna
8. Slow : Kylie Minogue
9. Laura : Scissor Sisters
10. Amazing : George Michael

Top Ten Artists (all time)
1. Madonna
2. Robbie Williams
3. k.d. Lang
4. Duncan Sheik
5. Jude
6. Scissor Sisters
7. George Michael
8. Dixie Chicks
9. They Might Be Giants
10. Cher

Featured Image Art: album covers

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Money:
I need more. I want so much stuff, but I need more money to get it!

Boys:
I need at least one. For a few reasons — you can figure them out!

Me:
I want to look like one of the boys that I want. I like me and want to look like I feel inside…

Featured Image Art: detail of Gay Men’s Health safe sex poster

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Mom:
So, we did this intervention thing with my mom. We (my 2 brothers and I) wanted her to be able to discuss it with us — her alcoholism. It went very well. It was the first time we had talked about it with her. It also became the first time we discussed me being gay. It was weird, but nice. Brent knew. I guess I am not that shocked. Anyway, as my perception of my family crumbles into dust, I feel more connected than ever to them. We actually discussed a problem, something we just don’t do.

Lori:
She needs to stop being sick.

Body:
I like me lately, so I am going to work out. I asked Justin and Patrick about joining them at their house. They agreed (since they offered a while ago). YAY! I really need to get with it… my arms and abs need attention.

Food:
I am craving guacamole.

Featured Image Art: photo of AA books

originally posted on Xanga