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Dancing:

I just got home from the Majestic. It was pretty slow most of the night… that was unfortunate, but it picked up and we had an amazing time. Jess and I danced constantly all night and Justin drank himself silly. He was so plastered. He managed to get way too friendly with this weird guy who wanted to touch his chest. Bizarre. Good day all around. We had dinner at Lonestar, which I love. The steak was perfect! Lori actually went with us (oh, and paid). She is pretty sick so couldn’t go out with us, which sucked. It was good times all around anyway!

Featured Image Art: photo of The Majestic, Tulsa, OK

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My parents house = daycare
So, I am over at my parents house right now. It is currently nap time. Conner had me lie down with him and started Shrek… he has everything about that video memorized. Including the previews. It was funny to hear him repeat just the word “lightyears” from the E.T. preview. My parents got me a grill for my birthday. It is cool, but weird. Travis and I were just talking about me getting a grill. It is a table grill, which is nice since I will have to store it. I am using tonight to cook the dinner I had picked out and I really can’t wait to use it at the park… I think it will be useful and that is nice. It really was something I wouldn’t buy for myself.

Mom:
My mom has most probably been drinking today. I am not allowing it to ruin my day, but I still haven’t seen her since April. I think I may let her know that I didn’t appreciate it, but I don’t want to upset her. I shouldn’t worry about that though.

Featured Image Art: photo by Bianca Ackermann (via Unsplash)

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25:
I am excited about turning 25 tomorrow!!! It will be a pretty easy day and I can forget being broke for another day… I am going to my parents house for the day. The menu for dinner is my favorites. Best of all, Conner and KC will be there all day. That can be a curse too though. I would like to discuss PFLAG with my mom while I am there. Friday, my friends and I are going dancing for my birthday… that will be a lot of fun. I really wish Justin could go, but I understand he has to work.

Robby:
I felt so bad about not being more… there. I really wanted to get to know him more, but I was so mentally drained that I just couldn’t do it. I think it was a poor idea to visit Robby at the end of the trip rather than at the beginning. I think he is a really cool person, but while I was in Austin I made the decision that I wanted someone closer to me. I know that contradicts what I had said before, but I know me. I don’t think I will give enough effort to a long distance thing. I also fear that Robby will think it is about things it is not about. Blah… there is no easy answer.

I had a really great time with all of Robby’s friends. They are a lot of fun and are such a presence! Alohi especially makes a statement… they were exactly the way they should’ve been… real, but with character.

Featured Image Art: altered photo of Brian

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Vacation:
So exhausting!

Okay, God… Cut it out!:
On my drive down last Wednesday, I got stuck on my way through Dallas because of an incredible storm. It was some of the hardest rain I have seen and driving quickly became impossible. My drive ended up taking 10 hours which is about 3 more than it should have. I was so tired when I arrived at 3:00a.m. But there was no rest for the weary.

Moving the Lathams:
We were up and on our way early. Unfortunately, I was in a lot of pain, which I thought sounded too convenient so I said nothing for a while, hoping it would go away. It didn’t and I ended up trying to do as little as possible. I felt somewhat bad that everyone else was working harder than me, but my shoulder and back just wouldn’t let me do anything. I ended up sleeping for a while, but the day was a bust for me. I did manage to whack my shin, causing immediate swelling. It was so strange…

Day 2: Yes, it was a 2 day thing. Mostly a cleaning day, I really only felt slightly better. We worked, I slept, it took ALL DAY. I was so ready to not do anything… I am certain that I was starting to upset Travis so I tried to say as little as possible. I didn’t mean to be a nuisance. Oh well…

Frankie says…:
Saturday was one of the most wonderful days I have ever had in my life… Maybe it had to do with all the work we had done, but we all slept in did our own thing for a bit, and then spent the day shopping and grilling… not to mention getting drunk. It was so nice. There was even suggestions of streaking around the cul-de-sac. You don’t know us, but we are so not the type… just the mention was pretty wild. That sounds so sad. Hmm… maybe I should’ve just done it! What would it have hurt?

Bargains and Tats:
Sunday I woke up too early so ended up forcing myself to sleep and sleeping later than everyone. They all think I am so lazy… We went to lunch at a Mexican bakery and then went downtown for my tattoo. I stayed to keep my appointment while Travis, Conrad, and JD went to Costco. While there, JD and Conrad decided that they needed to get back, so I was alone for tattooing. It took a long time before I got in and then it took a good hour and a half for the tattoo itself. I am so happy with it and will post a pic if I can get one!

Robby:
I will write about Robby’s and Denton later. I was just so exhausted that I hope he doesn’t think I was being rude… I was really distant. It had been too much by that point.

Me:
I feel cute today.

Birthday:
As my birthday is now less than 2 days away, I completed a CD of my current favorite songs to give as gifts. Here is the track list:

1. Music Gets the Best Of Me (Flip ‘n Fill Remix) — Sophie Ellis Bextor
2. Comfortably Numb (Da Groove Club Mix) — Scissor Sisters
3. Impressive Instant (Intergalactic Solar Mix) — Madonna
4. Pornstar (Olav Basoski Remix) — Peplab
5. More Lemonade (Scissor Sisters Remix) — Bucci Bag
6. California Dreaming 2004 (Remix) — Benny Benassi
7. Senorita (Eddie Arroyo Radio Mix) — Justin Timberlake
8. I Love My Sex — Benny Benassi
9. Shock — In-Grid
10. Boom Boom Ba — Metisse
11. Paradise (Not For Me) (AO’s Live Drum-Dub-Apella G!H edit) — Madonna
12. Take Your Mama — Scissor Sisters
13. Amazing (Nikko’s Amazing Remix) — George Michael
14. Summer Jam (Benny Benassi Remix) — The Underdog Project
15. Sanctuary — Origene

I changed a few for a version to give my mom… not much different though. I think it is interesting that Impressive Instant has been in my top 5 or so for 4 years now!!! Music Gets the Best Of Me has been up there for a while too… about 2 years. The rest are fairly new…

Featured Image Art: photo of my tattoo

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Home:
I’m home finally. I am totally wiped out, but thank God for Lori. This place looks great. I will have to write more later about the streaking and carrying the washer on my face. (I wasn’t the one streaking). Anyway, its so good to be back.

Featured Image Art: photo of Lori

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Oh Yes, More Vacation:
I am going to try really hard to have a good time in Texas. I will be back Tuesday and my birthday is Thursday… 25!!! I hope to be in much better spirits and get more sleep… God, it’s been awful. I am not looking forward to moving Travis tomorrow, but then I can relax with my friends. They always make me feel better faster than anyone else.

Xanga:
Since Travis is moving, I won’t be able to post while I am gone. I don’t know how I will survive. When I get back I will read everyone’s sites — I haven’t done much of that lately. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I love all of you!

Lori:
I know you will have done too much before you stop yourself. I thank you, silly-butt. Keep your fingers crossed for A & Natalie. I will call if they are voted off… it’ll suck that bad! Holly really must go

Featured Image Art: photo of Natalie & Adria from Big Brother Season 5

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Stupidity:
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I told Robby that I have feelings for him, which was moronic! Now, I am sick because I am fully aware that there is no chance of anything happening. He just thinks of me as a friend. I thought that was enough at one point. I hate feeling like this. Blah. Somewhere there is somebody who will like me… I hope. People tell me that, but it is hard to believe it when I have never met anyone as interested in me as I am in them. I wish Robby wanted me.

Quote:
“You think that I’m strong. You’re wrong…” — Robbie Williams

Life:
It is just pretty crappy sometimes… this being one of those times. Unfortunately, I can’t escape it this time — the problem is me.

One and a Half Dead Bunnies:
It was fitting that this should be what I discovered on my porch today. I have no idea what got into Molly (my cat), but she was on some sort of killing spree today. I hate it sometimes, but it comes with having cats…

Robby:
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I was so sick about him at Lori’s that I had to go in the other room and cry a number of times. And I just do not have that right. We are friends and I should be happy for him. Easier said, blah blah blah… Seriously, I bring way more drama than necessary to the table. I am a mess sometimes. (sorry about the drama, Robby…) I am not sure how to be less insane… it just feels wrong. And I really hate being this way! Blah. I almost called off my trip to Texas, but I shouldn’t be upset! I am really trying.

Featured Image Art: digital art by Brian Fuchs

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Robby:
Maybe it was stupid, but I told him how I felt. I guess I should always keep my mouth open just in case I need to stick my foot in there!

God:
I want to thank everyone for the comments. In particular I would like to thank confess_or_explode for the opposing point of view. I do not claim to know everything, but I do know that it is important to respect the opinions of others. His was so well thought out… he is an amazing person. No offense intended whatsoever to him, but I think it just a little sad that people have to feel bad for who they are. For me and my belief (only), the notion of it’s okay to be, but not to act is horrible. It seems to tell someone that they can never be complete. I’d prefer not to upset anyone, least of all him, so I will just stop here. I do send him much love. God bless you all!

Poem:
Please vote on the best one of these Frank O’Hara poem pieces:

1.
It’s night. Am
I awake?
I am in heaven.

from Four Little Elegies

2
to be a blooming whale
and infinitely sad
it is no burden
to be free from fear

from Newsboy

3
Clouds pass in
my notorious eye
but you, through
all, I see

from A Hill

4
They say I mope too much
but really I’m loudly dancing.

from Katy

5
oh god it’s wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much

from Steps

Featured Image Art: photo of gargoyle at Rufford Abbey, Nottinghamshire, England

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Mom:
I just received an e-mail from my mom about living with your sins. While the point will not be lost, I will not be applying it to being gay. I just can’t since I don’t believe that this is wrong. She is trying though and I sent a very lengthy e-mail explaining how I feel about several issues, including my position on gays and Christianity and how I feel less loved than my straight brothers. It was kinda crazy, but oh well.

pathetic.org
I posted quite a bit on my poetry site last night! I am excited to be a part of it again.

Self:
I am officially lonely again. I just want someone to share my life with…

Robby:
He had been busy and I am neurotic!

Family:
E-mail I sent to my mom. Her response follows.

From: fuchsboi@***.net
Subject: Mom… a few things
Date: July 23, 2004 6:37:12 AM CDT
To: (mom)

whosoever

This is an online magazine about and for gay Christians. It might be helpful for you to take a look at it.

Mom, one very important issue we do need to discuss is the difference in our individual beliefs on homosexuality. I do not believe that it is a sin to be me. I do not believe that ANY act of love is a sin, including all varieties of love between two men. It is very important to me that Jesus never spoke on this subject.

I have some books I will bring you that cover a lot of what I feel. I do not agree 100% with them, but the basics are there. There are no passages in the Bible which, in the original form, discuss gay men or lesbians. The closest is in Romans. But even this one discusses leaving natural relations with the opposite sex for the same. This makes no sense in my case, as I have a natural inclination to the same sex.

Somewhere along the way, I shook off the dogma I was raised with. I am so glad I did too. Earthly issues and Earthly things will not matter when we die. Not to us, and not to God. Why are we so worried about following some set list of regulations for personal conduct to gain access to a proverbial heavenly gate? There is no such place. Heaven is all around.

Here is the way I see the things we refer to as “Heaven” and “Hell:”
Heaven: A state of pure bliss for your soul, in which you feel the love of God at its purest. Always able to directly communicate and feel God. You become a part of God, in a way.
Hell: A state for your soul in which you have absolute knowledge that God exists, but you may not hear him, feel him or know the love he has to offer. This is a self inflicted existence. Your soul has become corrupted and evil.

I know that didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but there it is. God has bigger fish to fry than who I am attracted to.

Another thing that is extremely important for you to know is how much being gay defines me. I used to think that being gay is just a small part of who you are — like have freckles or blonde hair. That isn’t what someone is about, just identifying traits. I now feel 100% different. Being gay is who I am. Every decision I make is affected by it. I view the world with it on my mind constantly. And my future is dictated by it. I am a gay man, not just a man who happens to be gay. I will not have the traditions, father the children, be a part of any of that normality. It doesn’t bother me like it used to. Sure, those things would be great, but I now know I can live a wonderful and fulfilling life. I just had to redefine my goals. Again, every part of my life has to do with being gay.

I also don’t want pity. I am over it. No, we haven’t discussed it, but I am gay and have known for nearly ten years now. I admitted it to myself eight years ago and I knew something of it when I was a very young kid. I can share those things with you if you want. They are the dirty little secrets and I will understand you not wanting to hear them. But they are precious to me. They are my memories. I knew when I was at Rainbow.

I am glad you want to understand, but I know who I am now… I have for a long time. I am sorry that you missed out on that — you don’t even know how bad I feel for that. I had to do it alone, but I want you to ask questions if you need to, but be careful not to try to change who I am. I already figured it out, even if I didn’t share. This sounds terrible and I really meant it to sound nice… Hmm…

I really love you and really miss being so close. I hope we can take care of that now!

Brian

p.s. I have to tell you the most horrible thing I did recently. I was talking to Lori (because I had a date that didn’t go very well) about how I was tired of not being able to talk about being gay with my family. I basically told her that I didn’t feel like I was as loved as my straight brothers because I had to hide my life — I am the dirty little secret. I was crying as I told her this. I then told her I would never feel like my parents loved me — meaning the real me — until they asked me casually if I was seeing anyone or if I had a boyfriend yet or some other sort of question one would ask about me having a girlfriend if I was straight. And I meant it. This was about one week before you called. I had cried out to God about it… my heart hurt so much… and He answered. I am so happy that you called (even if you had to drive to the top of a mountain) because it showed me just how much I am loved. Equally. That was of such importance to me and I know I should never have doubted it… Thank you again. I love you.

From: (mom)
Date: July 23, 2004 8:34:18 AM CDT
To: fuchsboi@***.net

thank you so much Brian- loved your email and you should be kicked in the butt for thinking your mom or dad thought less of you, we have always loved you-period. … mom

Featured Image Art: unknown comic image

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Yesterday:
Okay, I seriously have no idea what my problem was yesterday. I was just so… blah. Today is better. Today I feel normal. It is so good to not feel so bad.

Work:
I am really trying to stay out of the crap going on at work, but it is too much sometimes. It is constant with people not doing any work, being completely inappropriate, and oblivious to the fact that they need to start shaping up. I want it to be over now. However, I do not feel that I am hurting the situation by staying out of it. I am sorry to anyone who feels that way. I understand what they mean, but the only way for me to help my own situation is to do what I feel is right and not be pressured to get involved.

Family:
My mom is back from North Carolina. I am so excited, even though I won’t be able to see her for a while still. Ugh. I am just thrilled that I don’t have to hide who I am in my parents’ house anymore. I think just that will take care of a lot of tension and distance that has been between my parents and me. I also know that it will be hard, because although Mom wants to understand being gay, she doesn’t currently understand. It will be a very rewarding part of my life.

Vacation:
I am greatly anticipating my next block of vacation, which starts next week. I can’t wait to see Robby & Jim. I am really looking forward to getting away again. And when I return, I only work one day and then I am off for my birthday!!! Yay! I will be 25. I am not really sure if I am comfortable with that, but I really have no choice. I don’t so much mind getting older, but I do mind not being young any longer. Does that make sense?

Featured Image Art: photo by Namroud Gorguis (via Unsplash)

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Cleaning:
How lazy of me! Lori is bagging trash as I write this and I am still sitting here. Blah! It’s hot, I’m tired, and work basically sucks. Whatever.

Featured Image Art: still from Daria

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Vacation:
Fifty freakin’ bucks later, we have pictures!!! I will post less flattering pictures later. There are some great ones of my neice, KC, that I’ll post too!

Family:
Bradley stopped by the store today. He wanted to come by later, but didn’t tell me that at the time. I feel kinda bad for not being patient with him, but I hadn’t even seen him for three months. The least he could do is stop by. He works here in Tulsa!!

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & KC

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Writing:
This is what I wrote the other day at work (while not working!!!). I think I like them… I hope you all do too. I will try and post more poetry in the future, but on a different site. That way you will only get it if you want it! Let me know what you think of these.

Meghan’s DVDs

Staring at the overly-ordered shelves
I wish vacation had never ended and
long for the next one to begin

This excessive order often makes me angry
a kind of unnecessary anger over order
that I cannot create myself

Today it is a relief from the chaos
it might have been
and I know I should thank Meghan
(the girl ripped from an Italian fashion magazine)
this order is hers

For now I am still thinking about past and future
ventures away from here
longing to escape the present
and I am still mesmerized by the intensity
of uniformity
of unclutteredness
of space

7.15.2004

Six Thoughts On Being

I
I let myself get sunburned again,
like I do every year.
This is a lesson I may never learn.

II
How strange a new hole seems
when it’s tender and swollen.
And how difficult it is to not
have it filled once it has healed.

III
Turquoise makes me sad
because my grandmother is dead.

IV
It would have been nice to have
been Frank O’Hara — to have written
those things and to be remembered.
But I don’t own a typewriter and
I just realized that I am not sad.
And look! Words.

V
I need more Texas and more sleep
and I miss my mother, who I haven’t seen
in three months. I hate North Carolina.

VI
I want something beautiful
tattooed on my arm
and I want a joint.
I want the sweetness
of something intoxicating
to fill my lungs
and make me feel alive.
Even now I can taste
that distant memory
and crave it.

7.15.2004

Money:
Yeah, so I have been purchasing too much (as usual). How many t-shirts do I really need? I just bought 8 and I bought 6ish before my vacation last week!!! Good Lord, I am an idiot.

Work:
I very much get frustrated by being a manager. There are some awesome people that I would like to hang out with, but can’t because they are my employees (Meghan, Jill, Sarah…)… damn. Oh well… It is weird because I am usually so okay with it. Blah!

Friends:
I have the best friends ever! Yay.

Featured Image Art: photo of Frank O’Hara reading his poetry

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House:
My house in a horrible, horrible mess. I really need to do something about it (instead of just saying I will). Blah! There were things that had fallen on my in my bed during the night and I am not even sure where they were to begin with! Awful. Help has been offered, but I feel bad that anyone else has to deal with this. Again, blah. I guess I need to learn how to organize…

Me:
Lori was over last night because I wanted to tell her about my mom (which I actually did down at her place, but anyway). I went in to cool off in front of the fan in my bedroom (A/C doesn’t work well) and totally fell asleep. I really didn’t mean to go to bed while she was still here. I doubt very much that she will care, but I still feel a little guilty.

Featured Image Art: photo of Lori at Casa Bonita, Tulsa, OK

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Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …

Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!

Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.

Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.

Featured Image Art: altered photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

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