By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Justin:
Happy Birthday, Justin!

Justin is such a wonderful friend. I met him a little over 6 years ago, when I was 18 and he was only 16!!! We briefly attempted dating, but realized we were destined to be good friends. We have helped each other grow through different stages in our lives, sometimes involving hospitalization, emergency room care, and of course funerals. Justin has always been there for me to talk to, to hangout with, and to torment a little. He has gotten so much better lately and I am very proud of him. Determination to be “normal” has started to pay off. The schizophrenia is starting to go away. At least for the moment. And now, Justin has Patrick, a loving person he can spend his time with. As Justin’s boyfriend, Patrick can also give him things his friends cannot. There is something empowering about your boyfriend encouraging your dreams that friends can’t quite match. I am very grateful for Patrick.

I hope Justin has a great day and I hope he feels special. He is special, and I hope that he is always a part of my life. He is, as I have told him, like a brother to me.

Featured Image Art: photo of Justin & Lori at Casa Bonita, Tulsa, OK

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

When Good Songs Happen To Bad People:
I finally heard Jessica Simpson slaughter “Angels.” She took one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard and gave an awful, half-assed attempt at singing it. It is crude, choppy, and completely out of tune. It makes me sad that such a gorgeous song by the very talented Robbie Williams will be remembered, if it will, as that one song by a talentless twit. On some level I like Jessica Simpson. But it isn’t about her voice — I like her for being naive and proud of being who she is. She is her own person, but should sing only her own songs so that good songs like this one can remain good. I curse the record companies for such an atrocious mistake! Curse you, record companies…

Home:
Thank God, I am home!!! I do love vacation, but it is so nice to be able to relax in familiar surroundings. And many thanks to me for scheduling a day off tomorrow. Yay! My cats have already had enough reuniting (after a whole 15 minutes), so I feel a little under appreciated now. They’re still cats though… I am amazed that the place isn’t a wreck, although Molly was locked in the bedroom. The cats aren’t even allowed in the bedroom… curious.

The Erne Family:
I am so grateful to Lori’s family for their warm hospitality. I really felt like a member of the family while I was there. I so enjoy the entire group, but I was a little sad that Marty wasn’t there. He is a lot of fun. He is also irritating, so maybe his absence this time was a blessing. I felt a little bit for Lori’s mom, who seemed to latch on hard to visiting with her daughter (who is also her friend). It was bittersweet that she so needed that interaction — she must not get much adult attention. Clare was a handful as usual, but not so much as in February. I guess she is growing up. Slowly but surely. Tommy did what Tommy does. He was at his computer most of the time he was at the house. He is nice though… when Clare isn’t irritating him! Even Lori’s dad was friendly. I haven’t talked to him much, but this time he spoke to me quite a bit. He seems like a nice guy.

Me:
I was gone for a week and feel like a different person now. Not only am I relaxed, but I have thought through some things in the past week I hadn’t considered before. Maybe it is just the sunburn getting to me… I don’t know. I feel basically okay with David and Jim not being attracted to me. And I realize that I don’t want someone who focuses on physical appearance that much. And I really love both of them for who they are (and I don’t mean in any way that they are shallow — either one). I can continue on being myself. Someone out there is going to love me the way I come. I just need a bit of patience.

Featured Image Art: photo of Lori, Brian, Clare, & Jess in Galveston, TX (taken in February)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Austin:
I really love this place, although living here would be terrible. I like to visit though. It is gorgeous with all the trees and when the weather isn’t too hot or too humid like it was today.

Lori and I woke up rather late this morning. I was great to have a chance to sleep in. I think it was 11:30 when we finally got out of bed. We didn’t really get around quickly either. David started his radio show again, so we listen to that while messing around online, showering, and playing some Tony Hawk (okay, that was just me…). We then went for some Starbucks and Round Rock Donuts, which were good, despite my Krispy Kreme snobbery.

We went back to Travis’ after that, basically to drop off Travis. Lori and I quickly left to get our cartilage pierced (sorry Jess… I am super impatient about these things… I would never have done it if I had waited… forgive me). It hurt like crazy. Now I will be sore for about a year, but I really think it will be okay. It’s great fun.

We got back to Travis’ at about 4:00. Sandra was home and changed from work, so we pretty much left for Hutto, where Travis & Sandra just had a house built. It is almost done which I know makes them happy. It is too far from what I already know though. The hippos are fun though.

We called David, who had napped after his show, as we left Hutto so he could meet us at Hula Hut. It was a fun place to eat occasionally, but I can’t imagine it feeling special after going too often, as I understand Travis and Sandra do. I did have a chance to chat with David a bit, which I liked a lot. I guess I should accept the fact that he too is looking for someone other than me. He is just so nice… and totally cute. It makes me sad that I am not his type and that I am so far away… Hmmm… Ug.

After Hula Hut, we went to Congress Street Bridge to watch the bats come out. It was freakin’ awesome. I absolutely love bats and that certainly got my my fix. A never ending swarm flew out from beneath the bridge for 30 minutes before we left. I heard it goes on for 45. It was just one of the most interesting things ever, and I hope to do it again sometime.

Directly after that, Lori, David and I went down to Fourth Street. We stopped first at a bar for drinks… a bar I was VERY familiar with… things happened there. I think it was called Red Hot, or something. We then went to Boyz Cellar for some dancing. Lori and I ripped it up as David cruised the club (). It was crazy fun… I was more than a little tipsy after. Oh, and Lori almost got into a fight… fun fun fun!

Now I am sobering up before sleeping… I don’t do hangovers! I hate them. Water… I need lots and lots of water. I really want a new tattoo now. If I have the money when I come down next time I will definately have to get it! I need time to plan it out, although I know I want it just below the elbow on my left arm. I want it to be like a band, but not exactly… I will post a pic when I come up with it exactly. I also wanted a hook up for other stuff too… one of these days!!!

Robby:
This might irritate some of you, but I really miss talking to Robby. I want to tell him what is going on, but my stupid phone is roaming down here.

Blah:
I am sitting here at Lori’s parents’ house. For the past few hours I have been completely blah! Let me run down the day for you: We woke up later than expected, which put us a little later than expected here in Houston. We stopped at Cracker Barrel and had one of the best breakfast meals of my entire life! God, those were good eggs.

We left for Houston, a drive which was not as bad as I expected. Our goal was IKEA, and we accidentally stumbled accross it after I took the wrong exit. I love that place! There really needs to be one in every city — it is better than Wal-Mart or Target or whatever discount store you love… But we were there for 3 hours on a Sunday. And everyone had their kids with them.

I was so sick of all the kids and people cutting me off. It really drove me insane. After being sent all over the store for this DVD holder I really wanted, an employee finally looked it up and told me it had been discontinued. I was so irritated.

We then took our purchases out to the car, finding that they didn’t fit (well, one of Lori’s tables didn’t fit). It was hot and taking too long… and I lost it. I threw everything into the car in a random mess, got in and drove off (with Lori). I was bitchy at this point, but I asked for the printed directions, read them, and asked for help entering the freeway. Lori said I was clear, but as I switched lanes, I nearly hit the neighboring Mustang. I became enraged. See, when I become that mad, I don’t react… I completely shut down. I put in my favorite CD of the moment, turned the volume up well past a reasonable volume, and sucked down 2 cigarettes in a row. I forgot the breathe, making my throat sore and making myself gasp for breath. It was awful. We then went to Baybrook Mall, with intentions of going to Sanrio. We arrived at 6:00. The mall closes at 6:00. Damn!

Defeated for the day, I drove to Lori’s parents’, ate dinner, and withdrew from the crowd playing Cranium. It was nice stress relief. Currently, the game is ending and my alone time will soon be over… I have had enough to regain my sanity.

Jess:
You will get your cartalige pierced. I will see to it! I do feel bad that I did it without you — several factors were involved. I will take you down and do it as soon as possible.

Featured Image Art: photo of bat leaving roost under Congress Street Bridge, Austin, TX (by Mike’s Bikes)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Vacation:
I don’t look very excited to be on vacation, I know… but I am! Lori & I left yesterday at about 10:30ish. When we got to Stillwater, my dad was not feeling well and Janessa (Jes) had not shown up with Conner yet. When they did finally show up, Jes had brought her annoying best friend with her. It wasn’t a very exciting visit… Oh well.

We then went to Edmond to see Brent, Laurisa, and KC (my neice). I had quite a nice visit with my brother. It is always nice when he is in a talkative mood. Jim was supposed to call while I was there… he didn’t. After a long visit, Brent gave me some photos (he is a photographer), we went to eat, and were on our way to Sayre.

Now see… I love Sayre. I do forget that others don’t. It is a very small town which is falling apart. It is dusty, smells like a farm, and everyone knows everyone else’s business. Just our presence in town was undoubtably talked about. I wanted the full experience, so we stayed at the Western Motel, a great old motel with a vintage sign (I will post a pic when we get our film developed). I just feel at home there. They pronounce my name correctly without asking (I have tons of family out there). Plus, when we walked into the motel room, the Bible was not only on the table for us, it was opened so we could start right in! I love that crazy stuff.

We woke up this morning pretty early. I was hyper after sleeping, which is way unusual. We gave ourselves plenty of time before deciding to go eat. Again, small town. I am not sure that Lori quite grasped that. The options were 2 diners and 1 donut shop (which closed at 10:00). Sonic (literally the 3rd restraunt in town) was probably open, but we weren’t really feeling it. We didn’t eat. We drove out to Sweetwater.

The cemetary was nice. It wasn’t too hot, partly cloudy. One complaint: just a little too windy for what I was doing (cutting silk flowers). I prepared the flowers and put them at my grandparents grave. I reserved 1 each for Janice, my aunt who died when she was 2 weeks old, and my great grandma McGuire. I removed the old flowers, dusted off the headstone, and we left — old flowers in tow.

We drove from there with even less desire to stop and eat. We settled on the veggies we had brought with us, but foolishly not touched yesterday. We then drove back to Oklahoma City and down to Norman.

In Norman, we stopped to see Jim at work. I didn’t have any idea where his work was and we circled the block once before stopping for directions… I was trying to be a boy and not ask… We stopped in and saw him (and Yesh too). It was very nice to see him as friends instead of as a love interest. I can deal with Jim as friend, I think. He is so goofy, with his bingo obsession! We chatted just briefly with him before he had to get back to work. But not before he told me about the “braclets” we got at Pride… if you know, you know.

We then started the longest part of the drive down to Round Rock. We stopped and ate in Ardmore, stopped for gas in several different places, but we generally just drove. Now, here we are… in Round Rock. David isn’t here… But I can still visit with/see Travis. We have some brief plans tomorrow, so hopefully we can fill it in with fun stuff. Lori, David, and I are planning on going out. I really wish Travis and Sandra would come with, but at least we can talk behind their backs this way… hehe.

Having a lot more fun than working!

Children:
I really think that Jes should listen only to herself in choosing the name of her children. She was talked out of Felix Doyle once before, but has her heart set on it again. She needs to ignore everyone else and just do it! Felix Fuchs is fun anyway!

Conner and KC are the best kids ever!

Questions: (1:50 a.m.)
I just came back inside from lying on the driveway watching the stars float ever upward — and never moving. I watched and smoked and realized that I am happy.

Lori asked me about my friendship with Travis before we got to his house. I was left with a question, which I maybe should have asked then (she wants me to talk about me more, which I am not accustomed to doing). Why are Travis & I friends? Furthermore, why am I friends with anyone else? I suppose I have a good answer in some cases. I helped Justin through his mental illness struggles. Robby and I are young gay men who have a lot in common. Lori and I work together and have mutual tastes as far as work goes. From there, we are able to share similar musings on family with one another. But Travis? JD? Jess? Shauna? James? Brent? (yes, he is my brother, but also my friend) Why? I don’t know.

Maybe we need no reason. Maybe it is about nothing more than acceptance of who we are by another human being. But I am not friends with so many people who would or are accepting of who I am fully. It occurs to me that not only do I have no reason, but I am not sure there is one. I feel at home around Travis. I just like him. And he has flaws… flaws that would bother me if he was someone else. I just was thinking. I might go back out there later if I don’t stop thinking about it.

G:
After visiting her in the cemetary, I purchased a turqiose ring, which I am wearing right now. It really makes me think of her and miss her like crazy. She used to have small bits of turqoise that she kept on one of her bookends. The bookends were shaped like canoes with people in them. From there, I think about her house and how I miss it.

Featured Image Art: photo of Western Motel, Sayre, OK

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Vacation:
Adios all! I will update as I can, but probably not everyday. I will miss all of you (and your posts) dearly… Try to go on without me… I know it’ll be hard, but it’s still only a week.

VACATION!!!

Featured Image Art: photo of Ewan McGregor

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Vacation:
I’m trying to solidify plans with everyone. I haven’t heard from Jim. I did talk to my dad though. Yay! I am doing a happy dance as I type this… Woo hoo. What I would really like to do is have a ton of money drop from the sky and into my house so I could make this vacation a little longer… I am just so sick of work right now… Ug.

Sleep:
Maybe nothing is wrong with my sleep cycle. Maybe it is just different. Yeah, that’s it… Of course. I slept until 4 today… Ridiculous. I had/have too much to do to waste my life sleeping. I was on the phone with Robby last night for 3 HOURS & 40 MINUTES! My ear still hurts. That is so unusual for me — I hate being on the phone, but it was nice. And I blame the call for my lack of sleep last night. As if this is the first time…

Drink:
Sonic Strawberry Limades really are one of the best things on the planet! They make me very happy.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Vacation:
It has officially started! Yay! I have tons to do tomorrow… egad… leisure time is always so much work… At least I don’t have to go to the store for EIGHT DAYS!!!!

Robby:
I am glad to help Robby… In a way, it makes me sad that he is so surprised that I was willing to help him out. Why can’t people have a little selflessness once in a while? Everyone: take a moment and do something for someone today or tomorrow that benefits you in absolutely no way. Honestly, it takes just a moment, and you can make someone else’s day just a little bit better. Rewards are not required in this life. And did it take much out of me? No. This selfish and inconsiderate planet makes me crazy sometimes.

Tonight:
I am spending this evening (when I should be getting ready to go to Texas) with Lori and Jess again. We are going to Theology On Tap. Last month was fairly lively, with one irritating woman bringing up the dumbest things. It’ll be fun! Update: (9:38 p.m.) That is time I will never get back… I hated it! The last speaker was so good that I had high expectations… Oh well… Can’t win ’em all.

Featured Image Art: photo of Kilkenney’s Irish Pub, Tulsa, OK

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Robby:
Good luck with the job hunt. I am sending you hugs and good thoughts. I really hope everything works out for you. I hope you know that you are a great guy… We talked for 2 and a half hours.. it was great to be able to share with someone again… someone who would never shut me out because of a jealous boyfriend. Not that I am bitter about that situation… Anyway, happy thoughts…

Extravaganza:
I went over to Jess’ place with Lori for a post 4th dinner & games extravaganza! We ate brats, played Uno, lit sparklers, and had a generally good time. It really felt like we used to… about a year ago. I miss the game nights and the closeness I had with them… which is strange, because I am closer to both of them now than I was then. But it was a shared closeness, “Lori & Jess” as a unit. Things ended up way too bitter and serious several months ago… and I hate the word “hate,” as we threw it carelessly around all the time. They are great… but they aren’t a they. Jess is great. Lori is great. Anywho, this evening was great.

Troy:
I am a complete moron. I hope he can find the time to forgive my stupidity and will still allow me in his life. I feel like a drama queen — I really try to not be… Hmmm… Sorry, T. Roy.

Featured Image Art: photo by Simon Ray (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Today:
Happy 4th all!

Becky:
She responded. She already knew. It all feels so silly now, having faced it. I had 3 people in my life left to share this with and the 2 I just told already knew… I guess it is naive to think they wouldn’t have figured it out by now. I am 24… My older brother, Brent, won’t have figured it out, I think. I don’t plan on telling him for some time yet, but I don’t expect much out of it. He is very judgmental, or can be.

Me:
As is apparent to the world at this point, I have been really frustrated and in pain lately. I honestly don’t know what set me off, but I am just upset about life. I try not to be; I try to be happy, but it is hard feeling like a pariah. I know I am not, and I really don’t want praise or attention (above what I normally need), but I just don’t know how to make this go away — this insufferable anguish. I am holding up fine on the outside, but internally I am exploding with feelings I don’t want anyone to know… “The mean reds,” to make a totally gay reference.

And there it is, the source of my problems. “GAY” <– I hate the societal pressures to be homophobic, I hate the teachings of the church, based solely on speculation that certain passages “probably” mean things I doubt they do. I hate that all of this makes my family not really want to know me. Oh, yes, they still love me. They told me that.

But when I fall in love… I won’t have the warm reception into my home with my new boyfriend as my straight brothers had with their girlfriends. I will never have a spouse that my family recognizes and loves the way Janessa and Laurisa are loved. I will never have children, which makes me want to curl up right now and die. The only purpose to life seems to be children. And I would love children. But I cannot deny myself. Nor will I.

I want to be loved for me, and accepted not just as the son who happens to be gay, but as the gay son. That sounds so weird, but I don’t want to live a secondary existence to my siblings… I need to be equal. They are recognized automatically as my parents straight sons. They are not sons who happen to be straight, with their wives and children… I don’t want to be different, or rather to feel like I am different. I am normal for me. I love my parents very much, but until they ask me out of the blue if I have a boyfriend (as they would ask about a girlfriend), I know they still can’t see me as anything but an annoyance, a problem, a pariah.

I know this makes very little sense, but I needed it off my heart for now. I know my parents love me. I too love them very much. I needed to rant. I am very tired now. I need to get away from this life… away from me.

Featured Image Art: photo by Mel Poole (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Letter:
I sent the letter I wrote to Stan, my uncle. He already knows I think, but not officially. Hmm… I feel like I am on some kind of coming out roll. Why do I need to do that right now? I keep thinking I left way more information on paper at work, but I am pretty sure I didn’t even write anything down… Why am I rambling?

Music:
I think I will spend the evening making CDs for my trip to Texas… I am so happy to have some time off. Yay!

Exercise:
Maybe I will go for a walk when it cools down tonight. That might make a nice change to just sitting here. I hope I decide to just do it.

Mimi:
I really miss my grandma today.

Stan:
He is really one of the greatest people I know. I cannot believe the e-mail I just got from him.

Brian,

In a word, WOW!!! Not the gay stuff. . . . . more on that later, but WOW to the ability you have to expose your soul. Don’t ever call yourself a coward, when you have the guts to express yourself in that way. You are very courageous, although you may feel like it took too long, or the timing was wrong, or whatever. There is time and place for all of this. Brian, it is YOUR journey. There is not a timetable. . . .( re: Tell Mom on day 30, tell brother on Day 40, uncle and niece on Day 50). . . . . none of that matters. This is YOURS and YOURS alone. Your heart and soul will dictate the time. Don’t let anyone (even your Mom), pressure you on who to tell, who not to tell. These are huge decisions that only you can make.

Now, that doesn’t mean that some in your life (and I hope this includes me) can help with decent advice. IF you want it. As you know, everyone has their beliefs, and they are all entitled to them. What they are NOT entitled to do. . . . is pressure you, judge you or make you feel less of a man. Only YOU, GOD, and those in your life that YOU choose should influence you and your journey through life.

Your parents are only capable of so much. they cannot understand this right away. Just like you needed time to figure it all out, so will they. I hope you don’t expect too much. They love you so much, but may never understand it. And that’s OK!! That is their issue to deal with, and they will do what they can, when they can and however they can. Just remember———-that is theirs. It doesn’t change anything. Same goes for Brent and Brad, and cousins for that matter. I can’t speak for the Wilkinsons. But I can speak for me and Opie and Annie. . . . . I am tearing up alittle, because they are so cool about it. They asked me a few months ago, and I said that it was yours to respond to that, not mine. They both said “Brian is so cool, who cares!” They have a wonderful non-judgmental attitude. With Diane being very homophobic, I am proud that they have formed their own opinions. They (and I) love you and do not define you by your sexuality. You will never be my gay nephew. You will always be my wonderful, creative, loving, caring, passionate, funny, warm, sincere, smart, alittle messy!, courageous, loyal nephew, that. . . oh yeah. . . happens to be gay. I will never define you any other way. Any more than I would define Brent and Brad as my Straight nephews! That makes no sense. ( I hope to goodness this comes out right ).

You mentioned that it might be easier to let Becky (and I presume me and others in the family) go and move on with your life. I hope you don’t. Give her and whoever you want a chance, but just know it could take awhile.

Here is some advice that you may not be so welcome, but I am on a roll. I feel like this. . . the more “in your face” you are with them, the harder it is for them to react. Remember that you are dealing with people that are ignorant enough to think you chose this. You won’t change their mind. And they can’t change your mind. And that’s OK. Just as hard as it is for them to get a grip on you being gay, you have to return the understanding and get a grip on the fact that they may never get it. Remember that may be as hard for you as it is for them.

Brian, like I said earlier, your exposing yourself like this is very brave, and I admire it. Just remember that they don’t control your happiness. Give your family a break, sure, but give yourself a bigger break.

And one last thing. . . . . . . .I will ALWAYS be there for you not matter what.

I love you, B2.

Your uncle.

Featured Image Art: photo of Stan & Brian

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Storm:
It’s been raining now for a couple of hours. I love a good storm, but I am the idiot who still has his computer plugged in… and on. I could deal with this weather all day today, but I think it’s going away this morning.

Vacation:
I can’t wait for my vacation. I just made plans last night to stop on my way through OKC to stop and see my brother’s family.

(KC…Yay!)
Isn’t she pretty. I would also like to be able to see my nephew, Conner. He is my other brothers kid. They live in Stillwater, so it isn’t as on the way as it could be… we probably won’t stop. I love being an uncle.

Becky:
It scares me that I haven’t heard from Becky yet. I hope she is not as upset with me as I now fear she could be… I am just not sure what to do. Maybe I should drop it and move on with my life… easier said… My mom tried to call earlier and I suddenly felt quite guilty over telling Becky, as my mom asked me never to tell family… It is still my path and I don’t like being pressured to do, or to not do, anything.

Featured Image Art: photo by KC (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Justin:
Justin called to talk earlier. He didn’t sound good. He then told me that Jennifer had died. I paused for a moment, not realizing who she was for a moment. First, I wrote this:

She Never Got To Tap Dance
Rain dripped silently from the cool June air.
No clouds spotted the sky,
but neither was there a sky at all.
In that misty darkness, Jennifer died.
Deaf and scared, she had known
for a while that her time was up,
but had never imagined it so soon.
She patiently waited for her last breath,
her last thought.

The keeper of the female emotions,
the carrier of love,
she told me several times that she
wanted to tap dance, but never learned how.
She is gone now and the dancing will never begin.
Justin has taken the emotions, the feelings,
the memories and now marches forward
to keep her memory alive.
He does this while comforting her family;
he does this alone. He must.

In the pain of childhood, Jennifer came
to help raise Justin.
She came with the others
to help keep emotions in check,
keep Justin safe.
Now, she has gone forever
and brave Justin is lonely and scared.

6/30/2004

Background on Jennifer:
Jennifer was one of Justin’s primary voices. Justin is schizophrenic and when he was about 12 or 13, he developed 3 distinct personalities in his head. Each controls certain emotions and parts of Justin’s life that Justin is no longer able to express. Jennifer was love, compassion, sexuality, etc. The three (Brandon, Jason, & Jennifer) are Justin’s oldest friends. He is devestated, but also exhausted. When an entity in your own head passes away, it must be traumatic. I really feel bad for Justin and hope that his heart is healed and he becomes a stronger person.

Advice:
I gave some advice last night that may have been bad. I told this girl I work with that it would be okay to get back together with her girlfriend, who had been abusive. I suck! I think it might work, but didn’t realize they were moving in together as part of getting back together. I care way too much about her to watch her get hurt, so this better work out. Otherwise, there will be some major drama involving her girfriend’s ass and my foot!

Molly & Franz:
My beautiful cats. I feel like I have been neglecting my poor babies. I love them so much! They are pretty good about just doing their own thing, but I still feel that I am not around to play with them enough. Play with your pussy today!

Featured Image Art: photo by Elena Kloppenburg (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Jim (yes, more about Jim):
I have had a lot of time to think about all the goings-on. I think it is quite amazing that he is so sure of himself. I really admire that. I think we will get along great as friends and hope we stay in each others lives for a very long time.

Lori:
I BLEW-UP at Lori this morning. It was all silly. I was just frustrated with the Jim situation, not to mention had very little sleep. I was upset and Travis was up so he was my shoulder. I feel bad now. I stormed out of Lori’s saying things I won’t repeat, peeled out of the parking lot and drove to work… I was so upset. And I know Lori is unhappy about some things sometimes, but I was in no mood for the tone… sorry Lori… Anyway, so then she wouldn’t speak to me all morning (I wouldn’t have either). I think it was nice to release though. I feel a lot better about life in general now.

Expectations:
I have decided to not have any expectations. I would rather just meet friends and if there are sparks, then we can go from there. I found out what trying to force it will do… it was not pretty at all. I want to be that person who just goes with the flow…

Featured Image Art: photo by Jessica Knowlden (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Clarification:
Jim knows what he wants. I belittled him by saying he might not. If I were him, I would be angry and frustrated with me. I was such a jerk and I am very sorry.

Jim:
I think we want very much to be friends. I like him a lot, but do not need more than friendship from him, even if I would have liked more at first. I expected too much, but I am happy with what I learned from the experience. Jim is absolutely a wonderful human being.

Featured Image Art: photo by Trym Nilsen (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

By:
On:
With: 0 Comments

Me:
I finally put myself out there… to no avail, but still… I did it. I need some gay friends. I love my friends so much, but they aren’t the same. There is something quite nice about sitting with a group of gay guys chatting about whatever. We even got to coming out stories. We could relate on a very personal level. I can’t say that about most of my friends. I don’t relate with them much — sometimes that is why we are friends. Jason was right… it would be wonderful to make a little gay family because that is what it feels like. I feel like I am around close family members, even around total strangers. They just need to be gay men around my age. That makes almost no sense, but… I know what I mean.

Jim:
(Jim: I would not presume to tell you how to live your life. This is purely my own thoughts). I really don’t want to offend him because I enjoyed him so much. I would love to be around him and his friends all the time. However, Jim doesn’t seem to know what he wants right now. I wish it was me; I wish it was a relationship. I really am not sure that it is. And maybe it was easy to slip into “slut” mode. His friends weren’t helpful at all though. I really wanted it to be more than it seemed to be. It was nice, but not much like a date. I started to let it confirm my feeling that I am repulsive, but decided to just look at it as an issue Jim is having. I am fully open to hanging out with him, but I really hope that he sees more in time. I am not like all the others. I really wanted to know more about Jim. More about his family, his opinions, his life. He is very attractive, but that isn’t why I drove an hour and a half to meet him. I am interested in him, and I really hope he decides to open up. He is one of the sweetest people ever; someone who can’t say no (he might change what is happening, but he doesn’t really say no). I liked him. But it is all in vain if he knows he will never feel the same way. I know it is silly to expect anything this soon, so I will continue talking to him and hopefully going to see him. If nothing else, I hope I have landed some wonderful new friends. I already miss them. Jim loves music so much and I love that.

Work:
I don’t want to go to work after such a great weekend.

Featured Image Art: photo by torn bluejeans (via PNG Tree)

originally posted on Xanga