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OKC Pride Fun:
This weekend was SO fun… Humid, but fun. Dinner Saturday night with Jim(the great guy), Jason, & Josh(“Yesh”) was great fun. Later we went clubbing, as everyone did apparently, and had a lot of fun. Back at Jim’s, there was no fun fun. Sleeping was fun. Sunday morning we went back to the park and then helped put together a float for the parade, which was somewhat fun. Then, after waiting around for quite a while we marched in the parade, handing out beads and candy — so much fun!!! Unfortunately, I had to leave after the parade which was not fun. But when I got to Tulsa, I went to a surprise 30th birthday party — more fun. Now, Lori is over and we are talking about our love lives and other stuff and she is fun.

Me:
I think I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I will write more later when I can think my thoughts through. It was all very nice. I did get the feeling that I couldn’t compete with the sea of naked boys, but I shouldn’t need to.

Featured Image Art: photo of OKC Pride

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Family:
I finally decided to come out to my cousin, Becky. She is really one of two people I haven’t told since coming out to my friends in 1997. She means a lot to me and I really think that it will devastate me should I ever lose her respect and friendship. Over the past few years I have started to tell her on a number of occasions, but have always chickened out. I must now do this, as the secrecy is pulling us further apart. I will keep you posted on what happens. I told her best friend, a coworker of mine, but she already knew. *Click here for he letter I sent to Becky*

Friends:
Nobody understands me. Not that it is anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like people treat me like the wallflower who likes being that way. Sometimes I do. But what my friends do not get is that I take a long time to warm up to people (weeks, months, years sometimes). They all end up giving up on me. I have stories, thoughts, opinions, concerns. It just feels to me like it all has to be about everyone else all the time.

Possibilities:
This is what I wrote to the guy I am into that made him want to meet me(I had said his recklessness was sexy; he questioned it):

“Sexy? Certainly… There is a boyish charm… a carelessness that reminds me of boys I’ve loved, dreamed of loving. There is a certain nostalgia that lives in you. The memory of bicycles, summer afternoons, snowcones, and friends you seemed to only know then because they were from the neighborhood. There is an impetuous nature that causes memories of things that have not yet happened. I can picture the impulsive way I’d be kissed or my hand grabbed and we’d run through a field for no reason other than the act itself. And how I would bring breakfast in bed because someone won’t listen and hurt himself… again! And I would nurse your wound, which would hurt longer because you’d want to be taken care of. And I’d be woken up at 3:00 a.m. some January night to be dragged outside to dance in the falling snow. Yes, it is sexy.”

Just wanted to share that because I was proud of it. Plus it is all true. I tried to write a poem about the same thing while I was on lunch today at work. I am still blocked. I have decided to rejoin pathetic.org. I will post a link when it is up.

Money:
I need to stop spending money. I am so scared of financial things right now. I would have been more vague about that if I could.

Me:
Big Friday plans: Haircut, clothes shopping (if I don’t have anything suitable for Saturday & Sunday), dinner with Dad & Lori, call Mom, call the guy, watch Six Feet Under Season 1, Disc 2. Big day. I may have caused a bit of a rift between myself and a good friend because of my funk. I hope he doesn’t hate me. And I hope I can learn to not hate his boyfriend (I am not there at this point). Forgive me T.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian & Becky

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Work:
Inventory went very well. My store manager was there with me this time. She tends to freak out about things like inventory, for obvious reasons. But last night, she was able to calm down considerably once she figured out that I knew what I was doing. It also helped that there was an inappropriate interaction taking place between another manager and a part time employee the entire night!

Money:
Yay! I will not be losing my house. That is a pretty dramatic statement, but it was a distinct possibility about a month ago. I elected not to tell anyone, family or friend. I think that in reading this some of them might feel slighted and not trusted. That is not at all what happened. It was a very embarrassing situation and I wanted to solve it. I did and I am elated. I just need to be more careful about making my house payments on time in the future… Relief!!!

Robby:
I think he felt like he was calling too much. I really wish he didn’t feel that way. I will call him today. Maybe he has just been busy… I hope everything is okay with him.

Featured Image Art: photo of Southroads Barnes & Noble Music Department, Tulsa, OK

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Funk:
I am in a funk as Lori would say, but I have decided that when I wake up the funk will be over. I had a lovely talk with the great guy (name to be revealed if things go well). I still am a little uneasy. Maybe I will feel better after I talk it out.

Lori:
Sometimes things need to be about me. I love her, but c’mon. (and f w.i.)

Reading:
I had to stop reading Every Inch Of Her for a little bit. There were too many catholic references that went over my head. Started rereading one of my favorites, Dandelion Wine. It is the quintessential summer book. I love it so much. The first time I read it was en route to Nashville by plane. It took me half a day to get there (with a layover in Kansas City). I finished it before I got there. It just makes me happy.

Saturday:
What should I wear? Should I get my hair trimmed like I planned? Hmmm…

Me:
I should stop drinking so much soda. And I should exercise like I planned. Monday may be a good day for it. And eat more than up to once a day…

Featured Image Art: unknown comic image

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Happy:
I have been unable to sleep since chatting with this great guy. I really hope to meet him soon. It was so nice to just take a risk again and be vulnerable to someone. I have really held myself back lately and it has sucked to not have anyone. I don’t know what will happen, but I am so excited that I at least took the step to talk to someone. Yay!! I also chatted with another great guy… He was incredibly sweet.

John:
Lori recently posted something about John. I think I am refusing to believe it now. I was mourning normally and then nothing. I am not sad, but it is more like I blocked him out for now. It seems so weird that I am able to talk about it and still know that I am not currently dealing with this. I have been trying all day to deal with this; I refuse to believe that John died.

Texas:
I made the schedule with my vacation on it!!!! Yay! I am going to Austin for a couple of days and then to Houston for a couple. Depending on what happens I may need to stop in Norman on the way! It will be nice to see Travis and Sandra (Austin). It has been too long. I want to shop in Houston and Lori’s family lives there (near Clearlake area), which makes the trip convenient since I don’t need any hotels!! I really hope they let me stay with them. I am really excited to just have some time off. Wow I have spent a ton of time in Texas in the past 2 years. Can’t wait…

Visiting People:
I forgot to go visit my dad. I am horrible. Maybe I can go tomorrow evening. I also chatted with Kendra today. I haven’t seen JD & Kendra in an obscene amount of time. I could visit. They live an hour away… that isn’t far.

Great guy:
I get to meet the great guy no later than Saturday night. I am excited about it. I hope he is who he seems to be on here… Hmm… I also have my usual reservations about being repulsive. I know better. Hmmm… I am nervous. Its been a long time.

Featured Image Art: flag of The State of Texas

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Book:
Started Every Inch Of Her. It is fairly amusing so far and promises to be a good time, what with nuns & such. Thank you thank you for getting me to read again…

Friends:
Jess was here at my house when I got off work. Lori came up and we all talked and goofed around… it was fun. I am a bit tired now though. I am a little worried about our Lori. She isn’t herself. What’s more is I can feel it too… like something in the universe is a little off.

Dads & Co.:
Happy Father’s Day to all you Dads, Uncles, and Pet Owners out there!

Featured Image Art: photo of Jess

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Life:
Sometimes life isn’t fair. Justin just called me because his cell phone bill needs to be paid.

Let me fill you in: Justin is my friend and roommate and one of the sweetest people you will ever meet. But he is schizophrenic and socially phobic. There is quite a bit he doesn’t understand or handle correctly in the world. Because of these problems, I am in charge of his finances. Justin has spent the last six years (the time I have known him) in and out of mental facilities, on and off medications, and in various states of self control. I have never seen him as well as he is right now. But that didn’t change everything, and I was stupid to think it would.

A woman called from the cell phone company to tell him the payment was late. He was supposed to get a check from me and pay it, but both of us forgot. He explained to her that he didn’t realize it was late because he had recently switch his plan, but would get it paid. Knowing Justin as I do, that is exactly how it went. He doesn’t exaggerate or embelish stories. The woman on the phone told him that he had been with the company for 3 years so he knew when his bill was due and obviously he liked to pay his bill every 2 months. True. I know I shouldn’t but I tend to wait for 2 months worth before paying. I should stop that.

Anyway, Justin is actually not upset with her (I would be). He is upset that he was unable to handle it. He was upset that when he called back to complain, they didn’t seem to care. He was upset because he isn’t normal. Again, life: not fair. And poor Justin gets takes a lot from a world that doesn’t accept him on any level. He really is special.

Featured Image Art: photo of a desk phone by Le Huynh Bo (via Wikimedia Commons)

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DVD:
I finally got Northern Exposure Season One. It makes me feel like a teenager again. It came on when I was 10 and my family was hooked. My dad grew up in Alaska, so it may have been about that. I love it though.

Nostalgia:
I have been crazy nostaligic lately. Every tiny thing reminds me of being a kid. I even purchased Fruity Pebbles and Coco Puffs so I could remember them. Am I really old enough to feel this way? This was only 10 years ago.

Plants:
My plants may die. I can’t decide if I care.

Justin:
I spent the day with Justin. We went to Bangkok (my favorite Thai place) and then to Target. We picked up a lot of clothes and a new DVD player. Maybe this one will work… Hopefully!! Justin isn’t home enough, what with his new boyfriend and his job and the voices in his head going away. He is sick now though… C’est la vie!

DVD:
Spending more quality time with Northern Exposure tonight…

Featured Image Art: still from Northern Exposure

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Mom:
I don’t much like talking about this, but I’m worried about my mom. She’s on vacation all the way in North Carolina — a good days drive away. I miss her. See, she’s an alcoholic. She generally goes to visit Mel, her friend, so she can get away from her triggers and spend some time not drinking. But my brother called last night to tell me she has been getting drunk there and Mel wants to put her in rehab there. I do think that would be good for her. Last time she was in rehab, she was only 30 minutes away though. It would be far less likely that I would visit in NC. I also think that might be good. She really needs to wake up and realize what she is doing to herself. Although I hate talking about it, I think it doesn’t make me sad anymore.

Work:
I am going to start randomly scheduling myself vacation days, I think. I feel run down. But at the same time, I would like to find a second job. I really need the money — bad. That isn’t true either. I really would like to have a second job to support my spending habits.

Featured Image Art: photo by Leslie Cross (via Unsplash)

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Lori:
While Lori was here the other day she read this page. Now she is a bit irritated that I mention her so often (especially about scorching the soup). I am putting this in just for her because I wasn’t going to talk about her in here today. Ha! S’Lor…

Pic:
I need some new pics. The one in the white t-shirt is several years old. I look the same, but have glasses and longish hair now. I thought I had newer options on my computer, but I could not find them if they are there.

Movie:
Last night I watched Bubble Boy with Jake Gyllenhaal, which was actually pretty cute. It was nice to see Jake doing comedy. I would recommend renting it but keep in mind it is a little stupid.

Reading:
I picked up David Sedaris’ new book — I need to start reading it!!! I really enjoyed his others so I have no doubt this one will be great. I hope his friend, David Rakoff, writes something new soon. His first book Fraud was excellent.

Work:
I hate GDFC. “Idaho” refuses to work with GDFC now — It is out of control. Things need to change. They need to change now.

Love:
I really want to find someone. I keep putting it off, thinking I need to improve this or that to become more desirable. I I know perfectly well that is stupid and I would end up spending my life trying to improve. Sad.

Me:
For all of you who have asked: I am originally from Stillwater, Ok, where I grew up and went to high school. I currently live in Tulsa. I am a huge Stillwater fan still and most of my family is still there. I think I decided to live my life here in Tulsa (or wherever if I am ever in a relationship and must follow my man to his involuntary transfer) and after a full life, retire in my home town of Stillwater. Mind you, retirement will be an antiquated notion by the time this all happens. I will work until I am 90 and I die there at work: still in debt. I am full of unneccessary saddness tonight…

Featured Image Art: photo of Lori napping in my living room

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Pride:
I woke up this morning to Lori knocking on my bedroom door, which meant she was in my house. I stumbled half-naked, mostly asleep to the door where she informed me I had overslept; it was 9:55 and our plans were at 10:00. I got ready and we left. I had her drive because I am sick and didn’t feel well enough to. Plus I took DayQuil so I had medicine head too. I wasn’t thinking about her car not having A/C. Dammit!
We met Jess and Ray at Kilkinney’s with intentions to eat and watch the parade. We changed our plans as the parade was to start in ten minutes or so. After watching the parade we walked in behind to Veteran’s park, the site of the full day celebration. It was nice out, being midmorning and cloudy. By the time we arrived the sun was shining and we were all sweaty.

The picnic was fun; better than most. Chad Allen was there which was so cool. HOT! He was the guest speaker and grand marshall of the parade… I registered to vote (finally!), got a new cigarette case and watched some of the performers. We also hooked up with Justin, Patrick, Brandy, Amber, Sandra, Brian, and another guy whose name I cannot recall.

We finally left at 3:00. Okay, thing is that when you walk 2 miles one way, you have to walk 2 miles the other. Now it is hot and sunny: 90°. It was quite a trek, but somehow felt good. The sunburn hadn’t set yet.

You see, I am stupid! I forgot the sunscreen. Lori and I smeared Aloe Vera Burn Relief all over our just forming burns and contemplated napping. I was not at all tired and, after resting for 10 minutes, neither was she. We spent the afternoon with The Book Of Question, pizza, and lots of Mountain Dew: Livewire. It was an emotional but fun time.

We then went dancing! We met Jess at The Majestic fairly eary as we knew it would fill up. And it did quickly. We danced like crazy — I love it so much. I was sweaty and drunk and grinding with my female cohorts. We all got in the cage and I was jumping up and stratling them and then sinking to my knees where I would continue to dance and grind, my face at boob level. Brandy and Sandra showed up later. (Brandy FINALLY broke up with Amber!!! I hope it is permenant. It has not been in the past)
All in all, excellent day. Energetic day. I really hope everyone who was there enjoyed it as I did. And I really hope the guy from the next table actually brought me home and is waiting for me in the next room in nothing but his cowboy hat. Yikes!

Blatant Ad:
Seriously, If you haven’t gone to Barnes & Noble in a while, go! All DVDs are buy 2, get a 3rd free. Lowest price will be free. I have spent enirely too much on DVDs in the last week. It is a great deal.

::afternoon edit::

Sunburn:
I am so fried… My entire body aches. I am supposed to met people from work at Friday’s soon. I hurt too much. I always forget just how much I hate sunburns… Plus I am blue from the stuff I am using. I guess I could stop complaining.

Dancing:
I really must go out more often. I love it and feel great today. As far as my muscles go anyway.

Working out:
After seeing all the beautiful boys last night I think I decided to not just sit around all the time. I want to walk or go to the gym more often. I can’t decide if I want my gym membership anymore. It is a bit expensive. Hmmm… I need to start eating too. I really don’t eat enough to keep my metabolism up. Anywho… Tired of my whining yet?

Featured Image Art: photo by Raphael Renter (via Unsplash)

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Friend:
I had a falling out with a good friend in December. I miss him terribly, but have no way to get in touch with him. I just went to his website. It made me cry. He was the only friend I could share my deepest emotions with. What’s more, the falling out had nothing to do with him or me. It was all his boyfriend. I wish he’d call…

Work:
I was too exhausted to finish last night. Working with GDFC is horrible. GDFC makes me hate my job and I do not like people who do that. Really I was not in the best frame of mind anyway. I think I am having sinus issues, but I am scratchy and just generally sick. I hope it isn’t contageous since I just spent the evening at Lori’s watching her and Jess play Guess Who? of all things.

Family:
I just had quite a conversation with my dad about his job and his frustrations. I decided not to bother him with some problems I am having. I will wait until there is less going on. I hate that I haven’t seen my nephew in so long. He is 2 1/2. I need to visit soon.

Featured Image Art: photo by Christian Kaindl (via Unsplash)

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Sleep:
I fell asleep on Lori’s bed while she was making dinner. I had gone in to listen to a CD I made for my mom while she is on vacation in North Carolina. I was listening to Jamie Cullum or Sondre Lerche when I dozed off. Not wanting to bother me, Lori didn’t wake me when the food was ready. I slept for about 30 minutes and was a total zombie after that. Dinner was good. I also decided that it is silly to try to smoke while you are so sleepy, not that the realization will prevent me from doing it in the future.

Hair:
I think I officially HATE my hair. I have been letting it grow. Not “growing it out” so much as letting it grow. I need a style… It is bushy and quite long now. The bangs come down to my chin. I just don’t know what to do…

Money:
I like spending money, even (or especially) when I know I can’t afford to spend it.

People:
I started to worry that people I work with might read this stuff, but I decided I don’t care. I am not using names on parts they don’t need to know about. Anyway…

Featured Image Art: photo of Sondre Lerche

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Sleep: (added at 5:56 a.m.)

Or lack of it. After tossing and turning from 3:00 to now I decided it isn’t going to happen — and if it does I will oversleep. I have to be at work at 8:00. 2 more hours and then my hellish day will begin. I don’t know what the problem is, but I haven’t had a normal amount of sleep in over a week. I even lied to my friends, telling them I slept all day yesterday. I didn’t. I am definately feeling the effects of this now. I should get something to help (or see a doctor). Oh well…

Work:

I am so tired of everyone at work! Okay, just 3 of them. Anyway, they all need to be fired or quit. I am so sick of trying to so my job when others insist on doing NOTHING. Egad! Everything should be fixed soon… Thank God I had a day off today.

Storm:

The other day a storm ripped through town with winds up to 75 miles per hour. Something like 70,000 people lost power. It was weird because it was quite a nice day before and after. My parents e-mailed me to tell me they lost a tree. I liked that tree a lot. An ice storm did a number on it a couple of years ago.

Lori and I were out when the winds came in. We took shelterr at the mall. After sitting in the parking garage for an hour (we both HATE the mall), we went in briefly to buy some stuff at Bath & Body. Then we went to Cracker Barrel for a 3:00 p.m. breakfast. It was so good — I had not eaten all day. After a brief discussion on going home we went shopping for clothes. Together we spent $400 or so, which is crazy!!! We figured up our totals yesterday — we each spent the same amount. I did not intend to spend so much on clothes I will hate in a week anyway. We then ordered pizza and watched Return Of the King. Good day despite the frightening storm. Oh, and we ran into Molly and Jeff at Target.

Family:

It bothers me a little that I haven’t seen my family since sometime in March or early April. I used to see them once a week. Hmmm… Maybe it is somewhat my fault, but they pass by my house frequently. For me to visit it at least 45 minutes in a direction I wasn’t already going. Maybe I should say something. Or maybe I should stop whining — I hate it when people do that.

♥:

Jake Gyllenhaal is hot.

Breakfast: After rummaging through Lori’s fridge, I settled on a cigarette
Lunch: Mexican Pizza
Dinner: Scorched Enchillada Soup (Lori was so upset!)

Featured Image Art: photos of Jake Gyllenhaal & photo of Tulsa flooding.

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Movie:
I saw The Day After Tomorrow. I actually liked it. There was one obnoxious thing about it that I HATED, but it was generally good for an escape. I am excited about some upcoming movies now, namely Spider-Man 2, Catwoman, and Harry Potter. I am a little upset with Halle Berry being cast as Catwoman. She was great as Storm, but needs to stick with Marvel. I would like to have seen someone unexpected and equally sexy take on this role. I would have liked Jennifer Garner, Lucy Liu, or Helena Bonham Carter — how awesome would that be!?!? Maybe Halle will prove me wrong… we’ll see. As a very infrequent movie-goer, I see myself spending a lot of time at theaters this summer.

Friends:
Justin and I had a fight today. I hate being totally wrong, but I was. He was trying to be very calm about a situation which he knew would irritate me and I blew up (unnecessarily). Being wrong sucks!

House:
I actually got some cleaning accomplished today! I got off my butt and did laundry, dishes, put stuff away, watered and turned plants, and beat the rugs. I feel like things are going to be okay in the house now. Thank you Justin for helping jump-start me.

Featured Image Art: kaleidoscope edit of journal cover image featuring Catwoman art.

originally posted on Xanga