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Xanga:
A friend just told me that this is exhibitionism. I guess it is in a way. I’m not sure why I never thought of it that way. That is me in a way too. I am a shy exhibitionist. I’m the guy who pretends I don’t know that everyone can see me naked through the blinds. I find that a little wrong, but exciting.

Friends:
I was to go get new glasses with Jessica today. She called earlier and I was asleep. I think sleep was far more important to me today than new glasses. I can’t seem to get rested. Lori said I may be overextending myself. Perhaps that is true. I am a people pleaser though. I don’t like to say no to anyone. I prefer to just do what others want. That is what makes me happy.

Death:
I’ve avoided the subject, but a friend of mine, John Haynes, died a few weeks ago. He was my direct supervisor at work as well as a personal friend. I really miss him. I try to not be sad, which is impossible. I feel especially bad for Ray, John’s partner. He just seems so lost. I hope he realizes that we are here to support him. It is very hard facing a death everyday. I really feel like I am whining about it, but that doesn’t really make sense. I guess this too shall pass. John would make so much fun of all of us for being sad…

Mood:
I was thinking about being lazy. I am ridiculously lazy sometimes. I live in a pit, have gained weight, need to pay bills. What is my problem?? I feel like something is wrong with me. Maybe I am just in a funk because of John’s death. Maybe I am sulking and should just snap out of it. It all seems so stupid and now I know I am trying to gain some sort of sympathy that I would rather not have. Are we surprised that I have no boyfriend? No, we are not. Everything will even out soon…

Pride:
We planned Pride. I am excited and a little apprehensive about the whole experience. My two straight friends, Lori & Jess are going. I am a little fearful that they will get bored and require a ride home before I am ready. Or they will be cranky… maybe it will be fine.

Self:
I don’t know what my problem is, but I need to cut it out. I am just not pleasant at all.

Featured Image Art: photo found on Pinterest.  Link to original no longer works.

originally posted on Xanga

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Sex:
I’ve spent several night talking about sex with a friend recently. It made me feel lonely. Sadly, it has been 2 years since I was with anyone. I long for a relationship, but I haven’t been successful at initiating conversation with guys. I feel a bit reserved in that area of my life and want desperately to be the one who approaches others. Anywho…

Family:
I am turning into my parents and it scares me. I was so worried about my mom travelling by herself to North Carolina. I stressed over it until I knew she arrived safely. My dad does the same thing and it drives me insane. I have discussed this subject before, but I just don’t know what to think anymore. …

Robbie Williams:
I was so frustrated trying to order Robbie Williams CDs. Are there only a few released in the US? I absolutely LOVE RW, but I am having to spend way too much on his discs.

Featured Image Art: photo by Chuttersnap (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Work:
It all hits the fan in the morning. There are several big things going on tomorrow that will cause chaos and confusion at work, but they will prove good in the near future. Management shake-ups and such. I officially know nothing and must act surprised as each items comes down. Nothing immediately affects me, so I will try to not tense up.

UPDATE: Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Stressful for some, but not as bad as it could have been. (5:57 p.m.)

Family:
My cousin is in town briefly before going back to Harding for summer classes. I feel bad that I haven’t called her (and she has called me), but I feel strange about it. I think that it’s time to let her know that I am gay, but I really fear her reaction. She and I have been close our entire lives and I just don’t know how she’ll react. I hope she knows already. She leaves Thursday. I really have to call and see her at least once. It has been too long.

Friends:
I am an ass. My friends and I were playing Phase 10. I really don’t care who wins, but I play the game. If I win I win, if not so what. Today was horrible though. Jess was so bitter that I was doing well she attempted to sabotage my game. It was so malicious. She lost all signs of having a good time. It isn’t life, it’s a game. I reacted poorly, throwing the game and making some snide remark about the goal of this hand being screwing me over. I felt bad, but it was crazy that a game irritated her so much. We made up after Ray won and all is forgotten.

Self:
I might have a fear of dying.

Featured Image Art: photo by Jevgeni Fil (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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I can’t believe it has been so long – 2 years. I am still at Barnes & Noble. I hope to become much more active on this weblog. I find it terribly theraputic. Thanks for reading.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian Fuchs

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Family:
This year was supposed to be better. What happened? My other grandma passed away in March and my mother revealed a drinking problem (you may remember my worry about her — she was drunk those times). All in all, it’s been sucky so far this year.

Work:
I was promoted to Music Dep’t Manager @ work. I like it, but I have been a little stressed.

Computers:
I again have an ISP, so I can write here more.

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Family:
This year was supposed to be better. What happened? My other grandma passed away in March and my mother revealed a drinking problem (you may remember my worry about her — she was drunk those times). All in all, it’s been sucky so far this year.

Work:
I was promoted to Music Dep’t Manager @ work. I like it, but I have been a little stressed.

Computers:
I again have an ISP, so I can write here more.

Featured Image Art: photo of Brian Fuchs & Christine Tucker, taken at the engagement party for Brent & Laurisa, Yost Lake, OK, 2000.

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Family:

I saw a movie with my uncle, which was fun. I rarely see him and I really enjoy him. We saw Riding In Cars With Boys — I liked it. We also went to IHOP, where I had my dinner. He is going to see about selling his condo to me! I hope it works out. I am excited.

My mom’s birthday was on the 18th and I was over the night before to see her. i worry about her. She is ALWAYS sick… she was so sick on her birthday that my dad wouldn’t let me talk to her. Oh well. I want her to go see a doctor. Not that I am any better — I am always sick and was starting to think I may be a hypochondriac for a while… probably not. I’d like to visit home one of these times without mom being sick.

Work:

I have been depressed for a while — my review actually was worse than I had imagined and I did not get my raise… That is why it got postponed so much. My dep’t mgr didn’t want to tell me that I did poorly. Really I know I earned my raise, but I decided to not let it get to me. It’s just $15 extra bucks I would blow anyway. And I think it can be reevaluated in a few months. Nothing to stress too much over. I also decided not to make excuses about it, although no such agreement was made for Xanga. I feel that I may have not done my best in the past year, but I really had a hard year. Starting with Oct 2000: my good friend, Justin (for whom I am a caretaker in many ways), is in and out of mental hospitals following the death of his grandma, who is more like his mother to him, my grandma (“G”) starts to get very sick, severe pains send me to doctor, who does several tests and finds NOTHING wrong, my great grandma (Artie) dies, exactly one week later, G dies, Justin continues in and out of hospitals (not giving me a chance to mourn), I become severley depressed, my dad’s sister and family cut off contact with us because of my dad’s decision to give a fewe pieces of furniture to me and my brothers (being the executor of her estate and having spent 6 months watching her die, he feels justified), Justin moves in, Justin’s great grandma dies, Brad proposes to Janessa, which I cannot tell, my roommates prepare to move after a guy staying with us for a week takes off with their $70, I prepare for Brad & Jess to move in, Jess is now pregnant, Brad & Jess get married, Brad gets a promotion and decides to not move, forcing me to move, my roommates reveal that they are moving because I am impossible to live with, Justin and I move into a small apartment,… and here I am. Never in my life has so much happened in one year.

So at work they moved me to the gift section in an effort to spark interest, not realizing that the deep depression prevents interest of any kind in anything. Oh well… I am excited about the new section though. And I have a new dep’t mgr… May. She is awesome. And I can go back to liking Tim.

Featured Image Art: still from Riding In Cars with Boys (2001)

originally posted on Xanga

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Writing:
Whew, pathetic.org is finally up again, and what a relief that I can finally start to write. It was always a good way to get me writing. I should start here soon. I have so much in my head to get out, what with the attacks, the new baby on the way, my great grandma is now 100! Lots…

Friends:
I talked to my friend Jerry tonight. It had been a couple of months. I feel bad that I don’t call, but he is a difficult person to remain friends with because he doesn’t really try. His friends don’t stick by him long… that makes me quite sad for Jerry. He will find real love some day.

Featured Image Art: photo by Patrick Tomasso (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Money:
I have got to learn how to stop spending — and I thought putting all my money into the bank would help!!!! NO! I can’t figure out how I spend all of my money when my expenses are so low. How? Anyone have good advice for getting out from under paycheck-to-paycheck living?

Family:
I am starting to get excited about my brother’s new baby… I can’t wait. They are expecting a Thanksgiving baby… That would be a cool holiday treat.

Featured Image Art: photo by Pawel Czerwinski (via Unsplash) (altered)

originally posted on Xanga

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Sleep:
I fully intended to watch Friends last night, but as I have been unable to sleep at all for a couple of days my body decided to sleep instead… dang it!!! I wanted to see it so bad. I don’t know why I have sleep problems, but I imagine it was stress.

Life:
I have been giving thought to moving back to Stillwater, but I really do like it here in Tulsa. I can’t stand the thought of leaving my friends or job, but I am so sick for the life I used to have that I somehow think going back home would help. Maybe I will, but probably not.

Work:
My review wasn’t yesterday, which means it IS today — egad. I am not that worried about it. My manager is a nice guy. We get along well, so it will be fine. I just hate meeting like that though…

Update:
My review wasn’t today, as planned. My manager said he’ll come in tomorrow (his day off) to do it… Whew… avoided it for another day!! Meanwhile, it has turned cold — I love it!!!! My uncle came to visit me at work. He is so great. It’s been a wonderful day!!

Featured Image Art: photo by Dustin Humes (via Unsplash)

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Frustration:

My life has been filled with so much stress lately… I just need a break for it. I woke up this morning ten minutes after I was supposed to be at work, which set the mood for the entire day. I love my job normally, but it just seems that they expect me to not only do my job — and do it well — but also the job of three other people. Not that I mind a little push once in a while from management, as I am a person who requires an occasional shove in the right direction, particularly while out of medication, but they don’t seem to take into account that we are currently running on 2 supervisors instead of our suggested 8. They must figure that we’ve done it for so long we should be used to it, but I think it is catching up with me. I feel as though I cannot take vacation or sick days — when I should go to the doctor! I feel an unneccessary obligation to show up and work extra hours, which I cannot be clocked in for, as we are not allowed even fifteen minutes of overtime. And I have been making it worse for the other supervisor, who says she understands, but I know she is cursing my name while I am not there.

Foolishly, I tink I can escape the pressure by coming home! Instead I come home to Mr. Mood, my roommate, who really I care for deeply — he is a good friend. But as a schizophrenic and socialphobic person, I cannot tell what is in store at home, but I know it will be stressful. I just don’t know what to do… and I can’t get Calgon to take it away, as there is just a single bathroom that invariably smells of kitty litter and dirty clothes. And I would hang out in my room if my roommate didn’t require constant attention and follow me in (and if the shootings didn’t distract me!!). I realize deep down that this is just a storm I need to ride out… nothing permanent and it WILL get better, as soon as the managers hire some people.

Self:

I need to get myself motivated to use the gym I am paying for. I feel much better (and it is a better investment) if I go. I have been flattered by the comments that I am getting smaller — I hope it isn’t just flattery.

Family:

I miss G.

Featured Image Art: Vincent van Gogh, “Irises”

originally posted on Xanga

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Future:
I have been thinking about my future lately. I have not been in school for a while and I feel so far behind where I should be. Besides that, I haven’t got a clue what I want to be when I grow up. I am 22 now, I thought I would have that figured out by now… why not?!?! I’ve always thought I would go into some English related field, but I have found lately a love of Interior Design… why not do that? I do love writing, but what kind of non-journalism career can I look at in writing? I feel like I am 17, but I am not and the clock is running….

JD:
My friend JD will be 22 on the 6th. I wish him much happiness. I miss my friends so much — I am finding that true friends are hard to come by in the adult world, and more and more all I want to do is be back in high school. Happy birthday JD.

Featured Image Art: photo by Eberhard Grossgastei (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Clubs:
I went dancing on Saturday night. I keep forgetting how much I love doing that! I went with this girl Elisabeth from work and I am afraid that I wasn’t very talkative to her. I just wanted to Dance… We went to the Star — the only club to go dancing. I imagine that if people would go to Club NVS it would rock too, but not yet. Awesome music at both — but Saturday night they did not play a single Madonna song. I thought it was illegal to leave Mo out in a gay club…. Sunday was my Wunny’s birthday and we went to Arnie’s — an Irish pub — to celebrate. Let me just say this, I don’t get straight people. They sit around and drink and make bad jokes… that is fun? Oh well… It was fun because Sarah is fun when drunk. I have got to get out more often!

Family:
I have been giving a lot of thought to the anniversary present my brothers and I have planned for my parents next year (their 25th). We have 11 months, so I guess we need to get busy on it!

Self:
I have decided that 2002 is going to be my year!! I have so much that I want for next year, so I preparation I have started adjusting Brian to make room for all that I want. Not that I will be terribly dissapointed if none of what I want happens… that will be alright. I mean, yes I will be somewhat upset, but there is nothing wrong with just a decent year. I am hoping for GREAT though.

Featured Image Art: photo by Alexander Grey (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga

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Life:
I am finding that I am not as strong as I always thought I was. My entire world has been crushed and I am now in the process of rebuiling it. I am forcing myself to redefine some things in my life — who I am, what I am doing in this life, and what exactly it is I want to do. It is all difficult and I will later elaborate. Life, for the first time in a long time, is quite intimidating.

Family:
My brother married his seventeen year old pregnant girlfriend this summer — I am not sure what to make of it. I have decided not to judge; they did’t judge me when I came out, and I should treat them the same way. I think it has caused some additional confusion in my mother’s head. She is having to deal with the meltdown of her nuclear family. I feel sad for her… I can’t relate to the turmoil she is going through.

Featured Image Art: photo by Jasbir Virdi (via Unsplash)

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Family:
I am worried about my mother lately. My dad called and asked if I could come over tomorrow because he doesn’t want her to be alone, but I can’t and I feel bad about it. I am trying hard to understand empty nest syndrome — I just can’t get it. She is depressed because we had to leave — that I understand. What I don’t get is how it has driven her mad. Not totally, mind you, but a little at least. I hope she’ll get better in time. I do love her so much. I have dreams — horrible, awful dreams — of her dying or leaving. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. I love her too much.

Work:
I like work I really do — I got sorta bitched at by my manager. I have a good rapport with him, but he does have to yell when I am flaky. What I find hardest about him doing this is he is what I want to be. He has everything I don’t and I think he is beautiful. I am trying… really… because he asked me to. It’ll be good. I hate how often I think of him. I’m not obsessed with him. I am more obsessed with him as a concept — as something I aspire to be. I just don’t know how to get there and I am at the point of asking him, as embarassing as it would be. Maybe he will be appropriately flattered and I won’t have to worry about him judging me. Maybe I won’t tell him… We’ll see.

Me:
I am so thrilled to be in something where people are active in responding to others. Thanks for that.

Featured Image Art: photo by Laura Ockel (via Unsplash)

originally posted on Xanga