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🏳️‍🌈 Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …

Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!

Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.

Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.Continue Reading

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Today:
Happy 4th all!

Becky:
She responded. She already knew. It all feels so silly now, having faced it. I had 3 people in my life left to share this with and the 2 I just told already knew… I guess it is naive to think they wouldn’t have figured it out by now. I am 24… My older brother, Brent, won’t have figured it out, I think. I don’t plan on telling him for some time yet, but I don’t expect much out of it. He is very judgmental, or can be.

Me:
As is apparent to the world at this point, I have been really frustrated and in pain lately. I honestly don’t know what set me off, but I am just upset about life. I try not to be; I try to be happy, but it is hard feeling like a pariah. I know I am not, and I really don’t want praise or attention (above what I normally need), but I just don’t know how to make this go away — this insufferable anguish. I am holding up fine on the outside, but internally I am exploding with feelings I don’t want anyone to know… “The mean reds,” to make a totally gay reference.

And there it is, the source of my problems. “GAY” <– I hate the societal pressures to be homophobic, I hate the teachings of the church, based solely on speculation that certain passages “probably” mean things I doubt they do. I hate that all of this makes my family not really want to know me. Oh, yes, they still love me. They told me that.

But when I fall in love… I won’t have the warm reception into my home with my new boyfriend as my straight brothers had with their girlfriends. I will never have a spouse that my family recognizes and loves the way Janessa and Laurisa are loved. I will never have children, which makes me want to curl up right now and die. The only purpose to life seems to be children. And I would love children. But I cannot deny myself. Nor will I.

I want to be loved for me, and accepted not just as the son who happens to be gay, but as the gay son. That sounds so weird, but I don’t want to live a secondary existence to my siblings… I need to be equal. They are recognized automatically as my parents straight sons. They are not sons who happen to be straight, with their wives and children… I don’t want to be different, or rather to feel like I am different. I am normal for me. I love my parents very much, but until they ask me out of the blue if I have a boyfriend (as they would ask about a girlfriend), I know they still can’t see me as anything but an annoyance, a problem, a pariah.

I know this makes very little sense, but I needed it off my heart for now. I know my parents love me. I too love them very much. I needed to rant. I am very tired now. I need to get away from this life… away from me.Continue Reading

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Letter:
I sent the letter I wrote to Stan, my uncle. He already knows I think, but not officially. Hmm… I feel like I am on some kind of coming out roll. Why do I need to do that right now? I keep thinking I left way more information on paper at work, but I am pretty sure I didn’t even write anything down… Why am I rambling?

Music:
I think I will spend the evening making CDs for my trip to Texas… I am so happy to have some time off. Yay!

Exercise:
Maybe I will go for a walk when it cools down tonight. That might make a nice change to just sitting here. I hope I decide to just do it.

Mimi:
I really miss my grandma today.

Stan:
He is really one of the greatest people I know. I cannot believe the e-mail I just got from him.

Brian,

In a word, WOW!!! Continue Reading

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Me:
I finally put myself out there… to no avail, but still… I did it. I need some gay friends. I love my friends so much, but they aren’t the same. There is something quite nice about sitting with a group of gay guys chatting about whatever. We even got to coming out stories. We could relate on a very personal level. I can’t say that about most of my friends. I don’t relate with them much — sometimes that is why we are friends. Brandon was right… it would be wonderful to make a little gay family because that is what it feels like. I feel like I am around close family members, even around total strangers. They just need to be gay men around my age. That makes almost no sense, but… I know what I mean.

Dean:
(Dean: I would not presume to tell you how to live your life. This is purely my own thoughts). I really don’t want to offend him because I enjoyed him so much. I would love to be around him and his friends all the time. However, Dean doesn’t seem to know what he wants right now. I wish it was me; I wish it was a relationship. I really am not sure that it is. And maybe it was easy to slip into “slut” mode. His friends weren’t helpful at all though. I really wanted it to be more than it seemed to be. It was nice, but not much like a date. I started to let it confirm my feeling that I am repulsive, but decided to just look at it as an issue Dean is having. I am fully open to hanging out with him, but I really hope that he sees more in time. I am not like all the others. I really wanted to know more about Dean. More about his family, his opinions, his life. He is very attractive, but that isn’t why I drove an hour and a half to meet him. I am interested in him, and I really hope he decides to open up. He is one of the sweetest people ever; someone who can’t say no (he might change what is happening, but he doesn’t really say no). I liked him. But it is all in vain if he knows he will never feel the same way. I know it is silly to expect anything this soon, so I will continue talking to him and hopefully going to see him. If nothing else, I hope I have landed some wonderful new friends. I already miss them. Dean loves music so much and I love that.

Work:
I don’t want to go to work after such a great weekend.Continue Reading

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🏳️‍🌈 OKC Pride Fun:
This weekend was SO fun… Humid, but fun. Dinner Saturday night with Dean(the great guy), Brandon, & Josh(“Yesh”) was great fun. Later we went clubbing, as everyone did apparently, and had a lot of fun. Back at Dean’s, there was no fun fun. Sleeping was fun. Sunday morning we went back to the park and then helped put together a float for the parade, which was somewhat fun. Then, after waiting around for quite a while we marched in the parade, handing out beads and candy — so much fun!!! Unfortunately, I had to leave after the parade which was not fun. But when I got to Tulsa, I went to a surprise 30th birthday party — more fun. Now, Daisy is over and we are talking about our love lives and other stuff and she is fun.

Me:
I think I learned a lot about myself this weekend. I will write more later when I can think my thoughts through. It was all very nice. I did get the feeling that I couldn’t compete with the sea of naked boys, but I shouldn’t need to.Continue Reading

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Family:
I finally decided to come out to my cousin, Becky. She is really one of two people I haven’t told since coming out to my friends in 1997. She means a lot to me and I really think that it will devastate me should I ever lose her respect and friendship. Over the past few years I have started to tell her on a number of occasions, but have always chickened out. I must now do this, as the secrecy is pulling us further apart. I will keep you posted on what happens. I told her best friend, a coworker of mine, but she already knew. *Click here for he letter I sent to Becky*

Friends:
Nobody understands me. Not that it is anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like people treat me like the wallflower who likes being that way. Sometimes I do. But what my friends do not get is that I take a long time to warm up to people (weeks, months, years sometimes). They all end up giving up on me. I have stories, thoughts, opinions, concerns. It just feels to me like it all has to be about everyone else all the time.

Possibilities:
This is what I wrote to the guy I am into that made him want to meet me(I had said his recklessness was sexy; he questioned it):

“Sexy? Certainly… There is a boyish charm… a carelessness that reminds me of boys I’ve loved, dreamed of loving. There is a certain nostalgia that lives in you. The memory of bicycles, summer afternoons, snowcones, and friends you seemed to only know then because they were from the neighborhood. There is an impetuous nature that causes memories of things that have not yet happened. I can picture the impulsive way I’d be kissed or my hand grabbed and we’d run through a field for no reason other than the act itself. And how I would bring breakfast in bed because someone won’t listen and hurt himself… again! And I would nurse your wound, which would hurt longer because you’d want to be taken care of. And I’d be woken up at 3:00 a.m. some January night to be dragged outside to dance in the falling snow. Yes, it is sexy.”

Just wanted to share that because I was proud of it. Plus it is all true. I tried to write a poem about the same thing while I was on lunch today at work. I am still blocked. I have decided to rejoin pathetic.org. I will post a link when it is up.

Money:
I need to stop spending money. I am so scared of financial things right now. I would have been more vague about that if I could.

Me:
Big Friday plans: Haircut, clothes shopping (if I don’t have anything suitable for Saturday & Sunday), dinner with Dad & Lori, call Mom, call the guy, watch Six Feet Under Season 1, Disc 2. Big day. I may have caused a bit of a rift between myself and a good friend because of my funk. I hope he doesn’t hate me. And I hope I can learn to not hate his boyfriend (I am not there at this point). Forgive me T.Continue Reading

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Xanga:
A friend just told me that this is exhibitionism. I guess it is in a way. I’m not sure why I never thought of it that way. That is me in a way too. I am a shy exhibitionist. I’m the guy who pretends I don’t know that everyone can see me naked through the blinds. I find that a little wrong, but exciting.

Friends:
I was to go get new glasses with Jessica today. She called earlier and I was asleep. I think sleep was far more important to me today than new glasses. I can’t seem to get rested. Lori said I may be overextending myself. Perhaps that is true. I am a people pleaser though. I don’t like to say no to anyone. I prefer to just do what others want. That is what makes me happy.

Death:
I’ve avoided the subject, but a friend of mine, John Haynes, died a few weeks ago. He was my direct supervisor at work as well as a personal friend. I really miss him. I try to not be sad, which is impossible. I feel especially bad for Ray, John’s partner. He just seems so lost. I hope he realizes that we are here to support him. It is very hard facing a death everyday. I really feel like I am whining about it, but that doesn’t really make sense. I guess this too shall pass. John would make so much fun of all of us for being sad…

Mood:
I was thinking about being lazy. I am ridiculously lazy sometimes. I live in a pit, have gained weight, need to pay bills. What is my problem?? I feel like something is wrong with me. Maybe I am just in a funk because of John’s death. Maybe I am sulking and should just snap out of it. It all seems so stupid and now I know I am trying to gain some sort of sympathy that I would rather not have. Are we surprised that I have no boyfriend? No, we are not. Everything will even out soon…

Pride:
We planned Pride. I am excited and a little apprehensive about the whole experience. My two straight friends, Lori & Jess are going. I am a little fearful that they will get bored and require a ride home before I am ready. Or they will be cranky… maybe it will be fine.

Self:
I don’t know what my problem is, but I need to cut it out. I am just not pleasant at all.Continue Reading