Ashamed:
I am a horrible person. I hope all is mended, but I really was hateful. Sorry. I hope we are okay and you don’t hate me. For those interested, this has to do with yesterday’s post of bitterness.
Work:
I had a wonderful day today. Nothing happened today, but it was still wonderful. I got to see Meghan and “Dimberly.” Yay!Continue Reading
I AM UPSET!
I cannot believe that I cannot post things on here because people do not respect this as a journal. It is not an advertisement for everything in my life. I would like my family to respect this, but since they apparently will not, most if not all future posts will be protected. I feel very hurt by this. I am especially hurt that the people involved felt the need to continue reading when I had asked them not to. I shouldn’t trust people as much as I do. Most of those who read will still be able to at least. I am sorry this is how things are right now, but hopefully it will change soon.
Ding Dong…
I forgot to mention that GDFC is gone as of Monday! I really didn’t want GDFC to fail, but that is what happened. But now we can all have a more productive and nurturing work environment. Things will be very different though…
Jason:
I may have a nephew right now. Brad said he would call, but I will understand if it is later. Jess was in labor last night, and for her sake I hope it is/was quick! With all that has happened, I should write a book. Thank you, Travis for suggesting it.
Mom:
I have no news. I pray everything is going well.Continue Reading
Stupid Locks!
When I got home from work yesterday, the guys who came in to caulk the windows had locked the lock I don’t have a key to! Blah. A guy working here had to get a ladder, climb up on the balcony (which I had unlocked), and open the door for me. It only took 45 minutes to get in… SO IRRITATING. Then, I went over to Lori’s. I didn’t take anything with me (except my phone) and left the door open because I was pretty tired and really just staying for dinner. I fell asleep. I woke up to my alarm clock on my phone… still at Lori’s. I quietly left, locking her door behind me. When I got to my door, IT WAS LOCKED!!! So I went to Lori’s, thinking I would have to wake her up somehow. Fortunately she was already up. She let me in and I located my keys on the computer desk. Now, here is the irritating thing. Jess locked it. Jess came over to use the computer (and she is welcome to enter when she wants and use the computer when she wants), but the keys were sitting right in front of her!!! Why would she lock the door, knowing I didn’t have my keys? Blah. I am sick of being locked out of my house now…
Work:
I am down to 2 employees… EGAD! I really need some new people, and then one of them was acting like she was looking for a new job. She assured me yesterday that she was not quitting (THANK GOD), but was looking to get a full time job somewhere else, making her available only on weekends. That is good AND bad. She is the closest thing I have to a lead. It’s okay; this will make her happier. Blah. It’s rather like a mass exodus at work right now, and we seriously need to start hiring.
Drama:
There seems to be a lot of drama in my life right now. My family has some issues, and I just pray everything goes well. KC gets tubes put in her ears on Thursday (she is only nine months). Jess keeps going into labor and can’t have the baby until after this coming weekend. September 17 is the due date… can we say “not gonna make it!” Mom is working towards her goals of being sober. I am super proud of her. Bradley lost his new job. I feel so bad for him because he is such a hard worker. Blah.
Bills:
Oh yeah, I am supposed to pay those, huh?
Big Brother:
The house is irritating me right now. I think that everyone is trying hard to be diplomatic, seeing as opposing sides were once in a strong alliance. It isn’t working and a lot of people are powder kegs. I think that Will is so great and I hope he gets to stay. Nik, Will, or Marvin are my current favs to win. A twin needs to go next week though!
Amazing Race:
I have really watched so little of this that I wasn’t too invested. However, I need to stop now that my favorite team was eliminated. Blah.Continue Reading
Boys:
Blah. Where are the boys?
DVDs I can watch over and over:
•Boondock Saints
•Donnie Darko
•Office Space
•Moulin Rouge
•Friends (any season)
•Queer As Folk (any season)
•Will & Grace (any season)
•I’m The One That I Want – Margaret Cho
•Metrosexuality
•Futurama (any volume)
•Zoolander
•Dogma
•Adventures Of Priscilla Queen Of The Desert
These aren’t necessarily my favorite movies, just what I tend to pop in. Now, that’s a list that makes me look gay!
Work:
Our store manager is back from her vacation. Hopefully, she had a great time and will be a joy to work with. She usually is anyway. I think I have decided that I definately want to come into a large sum of money so I will never have to work again. It would be nice to be independantly wealthy, even if I continued to work. Blah. I guess that is the American dream though: to be filthy rich and sit around all day.
Mom:
I am reading Straight Parents, Gay Children to see if my mom would benefit from it, and I really think she would at this point.Continue Reading
Yesterday:
Okay, I seriously have no idea what my problem was yesterday. I was just so… blah. Today is better. Today I feel normal. It is so good to not feel so bad.
Work:
I am really trying to stay out of the crap going on at work, but it is too much sometimes. It is constant with people not doing any work, being completely inappropriate, and oblivious to the fact that they need to start shaping up. I want it to be over now. However, I do not feel that I am hurting the situation by staying out of it. I am sorry to anyone who feels that way. I understand what they mean, but the only way for me to help my own situation is to do what I feel is right and not be pressured to get involved.
Family:
My mom is back from North Carolina. I am so excited, even though I won’t be able to see her for a while still. Ugh. I am just thrilled that I don’t have to hide who I am in my parents’ house anymore. I think just that will take care of a lot of tension and distance that has been between my parents and me. I also know that it will be hard, because although Mom wants to understand being gay, she doesn’t currently understand. It will be a very rewarding part of my life.
Vacation:
I am greatly anticipating my next block of vacation, which starts next week. I can’t wait to see Robby & Jim. I am really looking forward to getting away again. And when I return, I only work one day and then I am off for my birthday!!! Yay! I will be 25. I am not really sure if I am comfortable with that, but I really have no choice. I don’t so much mind getting older, but I do mind not being young any longer. Does that make sense?Continue Reading
Writing:
This is what I wrote the other day at work (while not working!!!). I think I like them… I hope you all do too. I will try and post more poetry in the future, but on a different site. That way you will only get it if you want it! Let me know what you think of these.
Meghan’s DVDs
Staring at the overly-ordered shelves
I wish vacation had never ended and
long for the next one to begin
This excessive order often makes me angry
a kind of unnecessary anger over order
that I cannot create myself
Today it is a relief from the chaos
it might have been
and I know I should thank Meghan
(the girl ripped from an Italian fashion magazine)
this order is hers
For now I am still thinking about past and future
ventures away from here
longing to escape the present
and I am still mesmerized by the intensity
of uniformity
of unclutteredness
of space
7.15.2004
Six Thoughts On Being
I
I let myself get sunburned again,
like I do every year.
This is a lesson I may never learn.
II
How strange a new hole seems
when it’s tender and swollen.
And how difficult it is to not
have it filled once it has healed.
III
Turquoise makes me sad
because my grandmother is dead.
IV
It would have been nice to have
been Frank O’Hara — to have written
those things and to be remembered.
But I don’t own a typewriter and
I just realized that I am not sad.
And look! Words.
V
I need more Texas and more sleep
and I miss my mother, who I haven’t seen
in three months. I hate North Carolina.
VI
I want something beautiful
tattooed on my arm
and I want a joint.
I want the sweetness
of something intoxicating
to fill my lungs
and make me feel alive.
Even now I can taste
that distant memory
and crave it.
7.15.2004
Money:
Yeah, so I have been purchasing too much (as usual). How many t-shirts do I really need? I just bought 8 and I bought 6ish before my vacation last week!!! Good Lord, I am an idiot.
Work:
I very much get frustrated by being a manager. There are some awesome people that I would like to hang out with, but can’t because they are my employees (Meghan, Jill, Sarah…)… damn. Oh well… It is weird because I am usually so okay with it. Blah!
Friends:
I have the best friends ever! Yay.Continue Reading
🏳️🌈 Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …
Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!
Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.
Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.Continue Reading