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Future:
I have been thinking about my future lately. I have not been in school for a while and I feel so far behind where I should be. Besides that, I haven’t got a clue what I want to be when I grow up. I am 22 now, I thought I would have that figured out by now… why not?!?! I’ve always thought I would go into some English related field, but I have found lately a love of Interior Design… why not do that? I do love writing, but what kind of non-journalism career can I look at in writing? I feel like I am 17, but I am not and the clock is running….

JD:
My friend JD will be 22 on the 6th. I wish him much happiness. I miss my friends so much — I am finding that true friends are hard to come by in the adult world, and more and more all I want to do is be back in high school. Happy birthday JD.Continue Reading

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Clubs:
I went dancing on Saturday night. I keep forgetting how much I love doing that! I went with this girl Elisabeth from work and I am afraid that I wasn’t very talkative to her. I just wanted to Dance… We went to the Star — the only club to go dancing. I imagine that if people would go to Club NVS it would rock too, but not yet. Awesome music at both — but Saturday night they did not play a single Madonna song. I thought it was illegal to leave Mo out in a gay club…. Sunday was my Wunny’s birthday and we went to Arnie’s — an Irish pub — to celebrate. Let me just say this, I don’t get straight people. They sit around and drink and make bad jokes… that is fun? Oh well… It was fun because Sarah is fun when drunk. I have got to get out more often!

Family:
I have been giving a lot of thought to the anniversary present my brothers and I have planned for my parents next year (their 25th). We have 11 months, so I guess we need to get busy on it!

Self:
I have decided that 2002 is going to be my year!! I have so much that I want for next year, so I preparation I have started adjusting Brian to make room for all that I want. Not that I will be terribly dissapointed if none of what I want happens… that will be alright. I mean, yes I will be somewhat upset, but there is nothing wrong with just a decent year. I am hoping for GREAT though.Continue Reading

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Life:
I am finding that I am not as strong as I always thought I was. My entire world has been crushed and I am now in the process of rebuiling it. I am forcing myself to redefine some things in my life — who I am, what I am doing in this life, and what exactly it is I want to do. It is all difficult and I will later elaborate. Life, for the first time in a long time, is quite intimidating.

Family:
My brother married his seventeen year old pregnant girlfriend this summer — I am not sure what to make of it. I have decided not to judge; they did’t judge me when I came out, and I should treat them the same way. I think it has caused some additional confusion in my mother’s head. She is having to deal with the meltdown of her nuclear family. I feel sad for her… I can’t relate to the turmoil she is going through.Continue Reading

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Family:
I am worried about my mother lately. My dad called and asked if I could come over tomorrow because he doesn’t want her to be alone, but I can’t and I feel bad about it. I am trying hard to understand empty nest syndrome — I just can’t get it. She is depressed because we had to leave — that I understand. What I don’t get is how it has driven her mad. Not totally, mind you, but a little at least. I hope she’ll get better in time. I do love her so much. I have dreams — horrible, awful dreams — of her dying or leaving. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t. I love her too much.

Work:
I like work I really do — I got sorta bitched at by my manager. I have a good rapport with him, but he does have to yell when I am flaky. What I find hardest about him doing this is he is what I want to be. He has everything I don’t and I think he is beautiful. I am trying… really… because he asked me to. It’ll be good. I hate how often I think of him. I’m not obsessed with him. I am more obsessed with him as a concept — as something I aspire to be. I just don’t know how to get there and I am at the point of asking him, as embarassing as it would be. Maybe he will be appropriately flattered and I won’t have to worry about him judging me. Maybe I won’t tell him… We’ll see.

Me:
I am so thrilled to be in something where people are active in responding to others. Thanks for that.Continue Reading

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Religion:
How is it that my parents could have raised me and I still got a completely different perception of what religion should be. I am a Christian, although I am often embarrassed to say so. I am. I believe that Jesus is God’s Son who came here and died for my forgiveness, but I do not believe in the angry God who punishes us, as my parents seem to sometimes. My God is my friend — He is someone I can talk to and who loves me for me, regardless of who that is. My parents have put conditions of their acceptance of me. They will come around (that is what I tell myself). It just doesn’t make sense that not only did my idea of God come out to be different, but my brothers’ views vary from my own as well as from my parents’. Interesting.

Gender:
I use the genderless He in reference to the Lord. I believe God is above gender and do not refer to him as male. The common He in reference is just easier than using God or the Lord every time. I believe it is ignorant and arrogant to assume we know anything about God, including gender.

Boys:
I am so lonely lately. Somehow I can not do without a boyfriend now, even though I have gone 21 years without. You would think that I would be used to not having one. It doesn’t work that way though. Every time I see Jude Law, Toby Maguire, or Joseph Fiennes I get depressed. It is hard to meet guys here. All the guys here just want to have sex, and what is wrong with the rest of it — those other parts of a relationship. I like to think I would be the type to not sleep around and keep a boyfriend for life. Maybe I am just kidding myself though. Maybe I am the slut. Maybe I should just go out and sleep with every guy I meet… I bet that wouldn’t solve anything. It would only make me more lonely. I will just have to wait…Continue Reading

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Sleep:
I can’t sleep and soon it will be light out. I hate days like this (or nights rather). I fell asleep at 7:00 or so, and woke up at 11:00. Now I can’t sleep. I know I will now be tired exactly when I don’t want to be. And the cats want me to hold them, but I don’t really want to. They can play with each other…

Religion:
I found out today that a girl I work with is a Buddhist. That isn’t a problem, but I have never known a Buddhist (not well anyway). I think it will prove to be interesting. Hopefully she will be open enough to share with me. She seems to be the type.

Writing:
I need to discipline myself better and write. I haven’t done any since January. I was in mourning then so it was easier. I guess I am just too happy right now. And it is true — I have been extremely happy lately, despite the fact that nothing is going rightContinue Reading

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Gold Bugs II

The search has continued,
and I have come to realize
the lack of significance
in so many things.
That valued token,
the small French bauble
must have reminded you of me.
It is now with me, where it can
now remind me of you
and of our searches.
I’ve placed it among my most
treasured items,
the most precious among them.
You weren’t warm,
and you didn’t smile.
They had forgotten to adorn you
with the shells from your backyard,
the discarded husks of aging insects.
I imagined them there in your hair,
sprayed gold and violet, resting
against the grey beautiful mass.

Notes

Written 1 March 2001 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Gold Bugs II” from Scissor-tailed Flycatcher (Scissortail Press, 2020)Continue Reading