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Writing:
This is what I wrote the other day at work (while not working!!!). I think I like them… I hope you all do too. I will try and post more poetry in the future, but on a different site. That way you will only get it if you want it! Let me know what you think of these.

Meghan’s DVDs

Staring at the overly-ordered shelves
I wish vacation had never ended and
long for the next one to begin

This excessive order often makes me angry
a kind of unnecessary anger over order
that I cannot create myself

Today it is a relief from the chaos
it might have been
and I know I should thank Meghan
(the girl ripped from an Italian fashion magazine)
this order is hers

For now I am still thinking about past and future
ventures away from here
longing to escape the present
and I am still mesmerized by the intensity
of uniformity
of unclutteredness
of space

7.15.2004

Six Thoughts On Being

I
I let myself get sunburned again,
like I do every year.
This is a lesson I may never learn.

II
How strange a new hole seems
when it’s tender and swollen.
And how difficult it is to not
have it filled once it has healed.

III
Turquoise makes me sad
because my grandmother is dead.

IV
It would have been nice to have
been Frank O’Hara — to have written
those things and to be remembered.
But I don’t own a typewriter and
I just realized that I am not sad.
And look! Words.

V
I need more Texas and more sleep
and I miss my mother, who I haven’t seen
in three months. I hate North Carolina.

VI
I want something beautiful
tattooed on my arm
and I want a joint.
I want the sweetness
of something intoxicating
to fill my lungs
and make me feel alive.
Even now I can taste
that distant memory
and crave it.

7.15.2004

Money:
Yeah, so I have been purchasing too much (as usual). How many t-shirts do I really need? I just bought 8 and I bought 6ish before my vacation last week!!! Good Lord, I am an idiot.

Work:
I very much get frustrated by being a manager. There are some awesome people that I would like to hang out with, but can’t because they are my employees (Meghan, Jill, Sarah…)… damn. Oh well… It is weird because I am usually so okay with it. Blah!

Friends:
I have the best friends ever! Yay.Continue Reading

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House:
My house in a horrible, horrible mess. I really need to do something about it (instead of just saying I will). Blah! There were things that had fallen on my in my bed during the night and I am not even sure where they were to begin with! Awful. Help has been offered, but I feel bad that anyone else has to deal with this. Again, blah. I guess I need to learn how to organize…

Me:
Lori was over last night because I wanted to tell her about my mom (which I actually did down at her place, but anyway). I went in to cool off in front of the fan in my bedroom (A/C doesn’t work well) and totally fell asleep. I really didn’t mean to go to bed while she was still here. I doubt very much that she will care, but I still feel a little guilty.Continue Reading

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🏳️‍🌈 Mom:
So my mom called this evening. She wanted to talk about the “gay thing.” I only told her 5 years ago… she still hasn’t figured it all out. But it was so wonderful… she wants to talk about it, understand it, and have it be a part of our lives (not just my secret). She still is uneasy with it, but she is making an effort and that is so great. I cried a lot after she called and then called Travis because it is nice to talk to old friends in these happy times (and in sad times). I am elated that she shared what she was feeling and wants to treat me like my brothers… that is all I have ever wanted. She has seriously made my year! …

Caught!:
Okay, okay… I was up into the wee hours of the morning. I just could not sleep. My entire body itches from the stupid sunburn. ITCHES! I just got some itch relief though… thank God. Now maybe I can sleep like a normal person. Thanks for worrying though… I like it when people are concerned about me!

Work:
So I spent about 75% of my time doing or thinking about work… which was pretty good for my first day back. I actually decided I like work after today. It was all just stress built up. The 25% that I was not working I was writing. I will post what I wrote when I have it finished. It needs revision. I really like retail, which is weird. I grew up thinking of it as crap work, but it can be rewarding. I am glad that opinion changed. I never like looking down on people.

Justin’s Birthday:
We went to Casa Bonita for Justin’s birthday dinner. It was good, but they no longer had cloth napkins. We were all taken aback by the bins full of rolled paper. Casa Bonita was one of the last places holding on to the cloth napkin… and it was quite nice. We ate (too much), took pictures of Justin opening gifts, and spent some time in the arcade. I love ski ball! I didn’t play anything else last night… God that is fun. We took Justin back to Patrick’s (after I borrowed a movie I had given as a gift ). It was a fun night and I can’t wait for the picture I took of Jess eating… she was not happy with me at all.Continue Reading

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Semiprecious

Turquoise makes me sad
because my grandmother is dead.

Notes

Written 15 July 2004 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Brian Fuchs, “Semiprecious” from Scissor-tailed Flycatcher (Scissortail Press, 2020)

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Justin:
Happy Birthday, Justin!

Justin is such a wonderful friend. I met him a little over 6 years ago, when I was 18 and he was only 16!!! We briefly attempted dating, but realized we were destined to be good friends. We have helped each other grow through different stages in our lives, sometimes involving hospitalization, emergency room care, and of course funerals. Justin has always been there for me to talk to, to hangout with, and to torment a little. He has gotten so much better lately and I am very proud of him. Determination to be “normal” has started to pay off. The schizophrenia is starting to go away. At least for the moment. And now, Justin has Patrick, a loving person he can spend his time with. As Justin’s boyfriend, Patrick can also give him things his friends cannot. There is something empowering about your boyfriend encouraging your dreams that friends can’t quite match. I am very grateful for Patrick.

I hope Justin has a great day and I hope he feels special. He is special, and I hope that he is always a part of my life. He is, as I have told him, like a brother to me.Continue Reading

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When Good Songs Happen To Bad People:
I finally heard Jessica Simpson slaughter “Angels.” She took one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard and gave an awful, half-assed attempt at singing it. It is crude, choppy, and completely out of tune. It makes me sad that such a gorgeous song by the very talented Robbie Williams will be remembered, if it will, as that one song by a talentless twit. On some level I like Jessica Simpson. But it isn’t about her voice — I like her for being naive and proud of being who she is. She is her own person, but should sing only her own songs so that good songs like this one can remain good. I curse the record companies for such an atrocious mistake! Curse you, record companies…

Home:
Thank God, I am home!!! I do love vacation, but it is so nice to be able to relax in familiar surroundings. And many thanks to me for scheduling a day off tomorrow. Yay! My cats have already had enough reuniting (after a whole 15 minutes), so I feel a little under appreciated now. They’re still cats though… I am amazed that the place isn’t a wreck, although Molly was locked in the bedroom. The cats aren’t even allowed in the bedroom… curious.

The Erne Family:
I am so grateful to Lori’s family for their warm hospitality. I really felt like a member of the family while I was there. I so enjoy the entire group, but I was a little sad that Marty wasn’t there. He is a lot of fun. He is also irritating, so maybe his absence this time was a blessing. I felt a little bit for Lori’s mom, who seemed to latch on hard to visiting with her daughter (who is also her friend). It was bittersweet that she so needed that interaction — she must not get much adult attention. Clare was a handful as usual, but not so much as in February. I guess she is growing up. Slowly but surely. Tommy did what Tommy does. He was at his computer most of the time he was at the house. He is nice though… when Clare isn’t irritating him! Even Lori’s dad was friendly. I haven’t talked to him much, but this time he spoke to me quite a bit. He seems like a nice guy.

Me:
I was gone for a week and feel like a different person now. Not only am I relaxed, but I have thought through some things in the past week I hadn’t considered before. Maybe it is just the sunburn getting to me… I don’t know. I feel basically okay with David and Jim not being attracted to me. And I realize that I don’t want someone who focuses on physical appearance that much. And I really love both of them for who they are (and I don’t mean in any way that they are shallow — either one). I can continue on being myself. Someone out there is going to love me the way I come. I just need a bit of patience.Continue Reading

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🦇 Austin:
I really love this place, although living here would be terrible. I like to visit though. It is gorgeous with all the trees and when the weather isn’t too hot or too humid like it was today.

Lori and I woke up rather late this morning. I was great to have a chance to sleep in. I think it was 11:30 when we finally got out of bed. We didn’t really get around quickly either. David started his radio show again, so we listen to that while messing around online, showering, and playing some Tony Hawk (okay, that was just me…). We then went for some Starbucks and Round Rock Donuts, which were good, despite my Krispy Kreme snobbery.

We went back to Travis’ after that, basically to drop off Travis. Lori and I quickly left to get our cartilage pierced (sorry Jess… I am super impatient about these things… I would never have done it if I had waited… forgive me). It hurt like crazy. Now I will be sore for about a year, but I really think it will be okay. It’s great fun.

We got back to Travis’ at about 4:00. Sandra was home and changed from work, so we pretty much left for Hutto, where Travis & Sandra just had a house built. It is almost done which I know makes them happy. It is too far from what I already know though. The hippos are fun though.

We called David, who had napped after his show, as we left Hutto so he could meet us at Hula Hut. It was a fun place to eat occasionally, but I can’t imagine it feeling special after going too often, as I understand Travis and Sandra do. I did have a chance to chat with David a bit, which I liked a lot. I guess I should accept the fact that he too is looking for someone other than me. He is just so nice… and totally cute. It makes me sad that I am not his type and that I am so far away… Hmmm… Ug.

After Hula Hut, we went to Congress Street Bridge to watch the bats come out. It was freakin’ awesome. I absolutely love bats and that certainly got my my fix. A never ending swarm flew out from beneath the bridge for 30 minutes before we left. I heard it goes on for 45. It was just one of the most interesting things ever, and I hope to do it again sometime.

Directly after that, Lori, David and I went down to Fourth Street. We stopped first at a bar for drinks… a bar I was VERY familiar with… things happened there. I think it was called Red Hot, or something. We then went to Boyz Cellar for some dancing. Lori and I ripped it up as David cruised the club (). It was crazy fun… I was more than a little tipsy after. Oh, and Lori almost got into a fight… fun fun fun!

Now I am sobering up before sleeping… I don’t do hangovers! I hate them. Water… I need lots and lots of water. I really want a new tattoo now. If I have the money when I come down next time I will definately have to get it! I need time to plan it out, although I know I want it just below the elbow on my left arm. I want it to be like a band, but not exactly… I will post a pic when I come up with it exactly. I also wanted a hook up for other stuff too… one of these days!!!

Robby:
This might irritate some of you, but I really miss talking to Robby. I want to tell him what is going on, but my stupid phone is roaming down here.

Blah:
I am sitting here at Lori’s parents’ house. For the past few hours I have been completely blah! Let me run down the day for you: We woke up later than expected, which put us a little later than expected here in Houston. We stopped at Cracker Barrel and had one of the best breakfast meals of my entire life! God, those were good eggs.

We left for Houston, a drive which was not as bad as I expected. Our goal was IKEA, and we accidentally stumbled accross it after I took the wrong exit. I love that place! There really needs to be one in every city — it is better than Wal-Mart or Target or whatever discount store you love… But we were there for 3 hours on a Sunday. And everyone had their kids with them.

I was so sick of all the kids and people cutting me off. It really drove me insane. After being sent all over the store for this DVD holder I really wanted, an employee finally looked it up and told me it had been discontinued. I was so irritated.

We then took our purchases out to the car, finding that they didn’t fit (well, one of Lori’s tables didn’t fit). It was hot and taking too long… and I lost it. I threw everything into the car in a random mess, got in and drove off (with Lori). I was bitchy at this point, but I asked for the printed directions, read them, and asked for help entering the freeway. Lori said I was clear, but as I switched lanes, I nearly hit the neighboring Mustang. I became enraged. See, when I become that mad, I don’t react… I completely shut down. I put in my favorite CD of the moment, turned the volume up well past a reasonable volume, and sucked down 2 cigarettes in a row. I forgot the breathe, making my throat sore and making myself gasp for breath. It was awful. We then went to Baybrook Mall, with intentions of going to Sanrio. We arrived at 6:00. The mall closes at 6:00. Damn!

Defeated for the day, I drove to Lori’s parents’, ate dinner, and withdrew from the crowd playing Cranium. It was nice stress relief. Currently, the game is ending and my alone time will soon be over… I have had enough to regain my sanity.

Jess:
You will get your cartalige pierced. I will see to it! I do feel bad that I did it without you — several factors were involved. I will take you down and do it as soon as possible.Continue Reading