Blog Posts
A Few Thoughts on a Wednesday
Sex:
I’ve spent several night talking about sex with a friend recently. It made me feel lonely. Sadly, it has been 2 years since I was with anyone. I long for a relationship, but I haven’t been successful at initiating conversation with guys. I feel a bit reserved in that area of my life and want desperately to be the one who approaches others. Anywho…
Family:
I am turning into my parents and it scares me. I was so worried about my mom travelling by herself to North Carolina. I stressed over it until I knew she arrived safely. My dad does the same thing and it drives me insane. I have discussed this subject before, but I just don’t know what to think anymore. …
Robbie Williams:
I was so frustrated trying to order Robbie Williams CDs. Are there only a few released in the US? I absolutely LOVE RW, but I am having to spend way too much on his discs.Continue Reading
Playing Games
Work:
It all hits the fan in the morning. There are several big things going on tomorrow that will cause chaos and confusion at work, but they will prove good in the near future. Management shake-ups and such. I officially know nothing and must act surprised as each items comes down. Nothing immediately affects me, so I will try to not tense up.
UPDATE: Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Stressful for some, but not as bad as it could have been. (5:57 p.m.)
Family:
My cousin is in town briefly before going back to Harding for summer classes. I feel bad that I haven’t called her (and she has called me), but I feel strange about it. I think that it’s time to let her know that I am gay, but I really fear her reaction. She and I have been close our entire lives and I just don’t know how she’ll react. I hope she knows already. She leaves Thursday. I really have to call and see her at least once. It has been too long.
Friends:
I am an ass. My friends and I were playing Phase 10. I really don’t care who wins, but I play the game. If I win I win, if not so what. Today was horrible though. Jess was so bitter that I was doing well she attempted to sabotage my game. It was so malicious. She lost all signs of having a good time. It isn’t life, it’s a game. I reacted poorly, throwing the game and making some snide remark about the goal of this hand being screwing me over. I felt bad, but it was crazy that a game irritated her so much. We made up after Ray won and all is forgotten.
Self:
I might have a fear of dying.Continue Reading
Weblog
I can’t believe it has been so long – 2 years. I am still at Barnes & Noble. I hope to become much more active on this weblog. I find it terribly theraputic. Thanks for reading.
“untitled [100 days]”
untitled [100 days]
It’s been one hundred days
and if feels like it all happened
just this morning.
I’m starting to realize she’s gone –
finally missing her and ultimately
knowing I can never see her again.
I hate that morning –
when Mimi died.
Loneliness overtook me and
pain was invited in.
All I needed was a hug
from Bettina, JD, Travis, Becky,
Mom — but they weren’t there.
I’m cold inside and sad.
I miss her.
6.18.2002
2002 Sucks
Family:
This year was supposed to be better. What happened? My other grandma passed away in March and my mother revealed a drinking problem (you may remember my worry about her — she was drunk those times). All in all, it’s been sucky so far this year.
Work:
I was promoted to Music Dep’t Manager @ work. I like it, but I have been a little stressed.
Computers:
I again have an ISP, so I can write here more.Continue Reading
“Bonita”
Bonita
She looks perfect,
her familiar red dress matches
beautifully with the soft pink lining,
the red heart draped around her neck,
as if she’d just come in
from church for a nap
on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
She is calm, peaceful.
Tears stream down Papa’s face;
his wife and best friend,
the mother of his children
and the strong woman
to whom he devoted a life,
lies quietly, still the girl he married
only fifty-three years ago.
‘She really is a beautiful lady.’
Written 12 March 2002 in Stillwater, Oklahoma.
Brian Fuchs, “Bonita” from Scissor-tailed Flycatcher (Scissortail Press, 2020)Continue Reading
“Hymn III : Birds & Vapor”
Hymn III: Birds & Vapor
Before knowledge, peace existed.
Innocent children don’t long for the touch of others.
I’m reflecting on bird calls,
sorting out in my mind the ones that seem familiar
from the ones that are new.
Except for the mockingbirds —
their song has changed as much as I have.
I can barely tell the difference between
childish pursuits and adult desires.
Except for skin.
I find myself a poor litmus test of what I want,
what I remember wanting.
Whispers in my ear from the past — or is it the future?
I’m forgetting things I thought were important.
I don’t remember the smell of skin pressed against
my face as I sleep.
I’m trying to remember how close I can get to the sun
without tumbling to the ground.
Have I reached that limit?
The men are turning to vapor, mists deposited in a wizard’s pensieve
filled with what I choose to remember as unbridled passion.
I’m searching through windows for faces,
for quiet morning sun spilling in through panes,
spotlighting the drifts of dust as they dance
like a great flock of tiny birds.
It feels like he’s still standing there, if he was ever standing there,
eating cherries on the front porch,
spitting the pits out into the garden.
I am thinking about fruity cereal.
I am thinking about the taste of cherries lingering in his mouth and the taste of mulberries lingering on mine.
I am thinking about birds and music and sex and dust.
I am thinking about the faces, the many overlooked faces.
I am thinking about vaporizing.
Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
calling for you and for me;
see, on the portals he’s waiting and watching,
watching for you and for me.
Written 2 November 2001 in Tulsa, Oklahoma.Continue Reading