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Friend:
I had a falling out with a good friend in December. I miss him terribly, but have no way to get in touch with him. I just went to his website. It made me cry. He was the only friend I could share my deepest emotions with. What’s more, the falling out had nothing to do with him or me. It was all his boyfriend. I wish he’d call…

Work:
I was too exhausted to finish last night. Working with Nira is horrible. Nira makes me hate my job and I do not like people who do that. Really I was not in the best frame of mind anyway. I think I am having sinus issues, but I am scratchy and just generally sick. I hope it isn’t contageous since I just spent the evening at Daisy’s watching her and Flora play Guess Who? of all things.

Family:
I just had quite a conversation with Dad about his job and his frustrations. I decided not to bother him with some problems I am having. I will wait until there is less going on. I hate that I haven’t seen my nephew in so long. He is 2 1/2. I need to visit soon.Continue Reading

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Sleep:
I fell asleep on Daisy’s bed while she was making dinner. I had gone in to listen to a CD I made for my mom while she is on vacation in North Carolina. I was listening to Jamie Cullum or Sondre Lerche when I dozed off. Not wanting to bother me, Daisy didn’t wake me when the food was ready. I slept for about 30 minutes and was a total zombie after that. Dinner was good. I also decided that it is silly to try to smoke while you are so sleepy, not that the realization will prevent me from doing it in the future.

Hair:
I think I officially HATE my hair. I have been letting it grow. Not “growing it out” so much as letting it grow. I need a style… It is bushy and quite long now. The bangs come down to my chin. I just don’t know what to do…

Money:
I like spending money, even (or especially) when I know I can’t afford to spend it.

People:
I started to worry that people I work with might read this stuff, but I decided I don’t care. I am not using names on parts they don’t need to know about. Anyway…

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Movie:
I saw The Day After Tomorrow. I actually liked it. There was one obnoxious thing about it that I HATED, but it was generally good for an escape. I am excited about some upcoming movies now, namely Spider-Man 2, Catwoman, and Harry Potter. I am a little upset with Halle Berry being cast as Catwoman. She was great as Storm, but needs to stick with Marvel. I would like to have seen someone unexpected and equally sexy take on this role. I would have liked Jennifer Garner, Lucy Liu, or Helena Bonham Carter — how awesome would that be!?!? Maybe Halle will prove me wrong… we’ll see. As a very infrequent movie-goer, I see myself spending a lot of time at theaters this summer.

Friends:
Justin and I had a fight today. I hate being totally wrong, but I was. He was trying to be very calm about a situation which he knew would irritate me and I blew up (unnecessarily). Being wrong sucks!

House:
I actually got some cleaning accomplished today! I got off my butt and did laundry, dishes, put stuff away, watered and turned plants, and beat the rugs. I feel like things are going to be okay in the house now. Thank you Justin for helping jump-start me.Continue Reading

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Xanga:
A friend just told me that this is exhibitionism. I guess it is in a way. I’m not sure why I never thought of it that way. That is me in a way too. I am a shy exhibitionist. I’m the guy who pretends I don’t know that everyone can see me naked through the blinds. I find that a little wrong, but exciting.

Friends:
I was to go get new glasses with Jessica today. She called earlier and I was asleep. I think sleep was far more important to me today than new glasses. I can’t seem to get rested. Lori said I may be overextending myself. Perhaps that is true. I am a people pleaser though. I don’t like to say no to anyone. I prefer to just do what others want. That is what makes me happy.

Death:
I’ve avoided the subject, but a friend of mine, John Haynes, died a few weeks ago. He was my direct supervisor at work as well as a personal friend. I really miss him. I try to not be sad, which is impossible. I feel especially bad for Ray, John’s partner. He just seems so lost. I hope he realizes that we are here to support him. It is very hard facing a death everyday. I really feel like I am whining about it, but that doesn’t really make sense. I guess this too shall pass. John would make so much fun of all of us for being sad…

Mood:
I was thinking about being lazy. I am ridiculously lazy sometimes. I live in a pit, have gained weight, need to pay bills. What is my problem?? I feel like something is wrong with me. Maybe I am just in a funk because of John’s death. Maybe I am sulking and should just snap out of it. It all seems so stupid and now I know I am trying to gain some sort of sympathy that I would rather not have. Are we surprised that I have no boyfriend? No, we are not. Everything will even out soon…

Pride:
We planned Pride. I am excited and a little apprehensive about the whole experience. My two straight friends, Lori & Jess are going. I am a little fearful that they will get bored and require a ride home before I am ready. Or they will be cranky… maybe it will be fine.

Self:
I don’t know what my problem is, but I need to cut it out. I am just not pleasant at all.Continue Reading

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Work:
It all hits the fan in the morning. There are several big things going on tomorrow that will cause chaos and confusion at work, but they will prove good in the near future. Management shake-ups and such. I officially know nothing and must act surprised as each items comes down. Nothing immediately affects me, so I will try to not tense up.

UPDATE: Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Stressful for some, but not as bad as it could have been. (5:57 p.m.)

Family:
My cousin is in town briefly before going back to Harding for summer classes. I feel bad that I haven’t called her (and she has called me), but I feel strange about it. I think that it’s time to let her know that I am gay, but I really fear her reaction. She and I have been close our entire lives and I just don’t know how she’ll react. I hope she knows already. She leaves Thursday. I really have to call and see her at least once. It has been too long.

Friends:
I am an ass. My friends and I were playing Phase 10. I really don’t care who wins, but I play the game. If I win I win, if not so what. Today was horrible though. Jess was so bitter that I was doing well she attempted to sabotage my game. It was so malicious. She lost all signs of having a good time. It isn’t life, it’s a game. I reacted poorly, throwing the game and making some snide remark about the goal of this hand being screwing me over. I felt bad, but it was crazy that a game irritated her so much. We made up after Ray won and all is forgotten.

Self:
I might have a fear of dying.Continue Reading

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Writing:
Whew, pathetic.org is finally up again, and what a relief that I can finally start to write. It was always a good way to get me writing. I should start here soon. I have so much in my head to get out, what with the attacks, the new baby on the way, my great grandma is now 100! Lots…

Friends:
I talked to my friend Jerry tonight. It had been a couple of months. I feel bad that I don’t call, but he is a difficult person to remain friends with because he doesn’t really try. His friends don’t stick by him long… that makes me quite sad for Jerry. He will find real love some day.Continue Reading

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Frustration:

My life has been filled with so much stress lately… I just need a break for it. I woke up this morning ten minutes after I was supposed to be at work, which set the mood for the entire day. I love my job normally, but it just seems that they expect me to not only do my job — and do it well — but also the job of three other people. Not that I mind a little push once in a while from management, as I am a person who requires an occasional shove in the right direction, particularly while out of medication, but they don’t seem to take into account that we are currently running on 2 supervisors instead of our suggested 8. They must figure that we’ve done it for so long we should be used to it, but I think it is catching up with me. I feel as though I cannot take vacation or sick days — when I should go to the doctor! I feel an unneccessary obligation to show up and work extra hours, which I cannot be clocked in for, as we are not allowed even fifteen minutes of overtime. And I have been making it worse for the other supervisor, who says she understands, but I know she is cursing my name while I am not there.

Foolishly, I tink I can escape the pressure by coming home! Instead I come home to Mr. Mood, my roommate, who really I care for deeply — he is a good friend. But as a schizophrenic and socialphobic person, I cannot tell what is in store at home, but I know it will be stressful. I just don’t know what to do… and I can’t get Calgon to take it away, as there is just a single bathroom that invariably smells of kitty litter and dirty clothes. And I would hang out in my room if my roommate didn’t require constant attention and follow me in (and if the shootings didn’t distract me!!). I realize deep down that this is just a storm I need to ride out… nothing permanent and it WILL get better, as soon as the managers hire some people.

Self:

I need to get myself motivated to use the gym I am paying for. I feel much better (and it is a better investment) if I go. I have been flattered by the comments that I am getting smaller — I hope it isn’t just flattery.

Family:

I miss G.Continue Reading