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Fags & Hags In the Last Frontier
It seems quite official — we are moving to Alaska. Lori has had a lot of luck in finding a job, but I still have nothing. I need to try just that much harder this week so I can find something. Justin seems equally ready to just “get the hell out of Dodge” so to speak. It seems we have reached a conclusion that this is where we want to be.
I have asked Brent for help, but I am not sure to what extent he can. It is a bad time to be moving and I know that one or two months ago would have proven easier on us. But we won’t soon forget the arduous trek across the continent, just to find something new. It will likely be one of the highlights of our time of the planet, regardless of the level of success we have in our new lives.
I will certainly regret a few things. I will terribly miss my friends who are so close, even if I rarely see them. Travis, JD, Kendra, Jerry, James, Shauna, Meghan, Sandra, Jill, Cindy, Brandy, Jonette, Christine, The Kim, and anyone whose name I left off (and I will feel bad for it later!). I love all of you and my home will always be welcome to you if you visit.
I’m In Alaska!
We are here! Experiencing life in Alaska by way of vacation. Of course it is beautiful up here – that is pretty much common knowledge, but I didn’t expect such kind people. We arrived in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, searched the entire city of Anchorage for a hotel room (to no avail) and finally drove to Palmer and stayed in a motel there. That is where we are staying anyway. Palmer is the town where my dad grew up and we have been fortunate to be allowed to stay with one of his friends, Peter-Ann. She is so incredibly generous and I felt bad for being so quiet yesterday – I was just so tired.
Life does seem a little more laid back, especially out here in Palmer. I don’t know/don’t think it will be the same in Anchorage. I think we plan on going out there today to look for jobs and just see the town. I would be happy to find a job here, but the problem with small towns is that they rarely need more people. That won’t stop me from trying. All in all, I have found the experience so far very surreal. To look on a map, I am so far away from everything I am used to, but even here I feel at home. Being in Alaska doesn’t mean being in a foreign country – I guess that makes me sound a little ignorant, but somehow I always imagined it differently. But I do like it so far.
Jet lag being what it is, I am still a little tired – that was a long day of travel by anyone’s standards. We left Tulsa at 9:00a.m. for Dallas and then flew to Anchorage with a stop in Seattle. 6 hours of driving and 8 hours of flying… yikes. But the first leg of the flight was fun! It was Alaska Airlines inaugural flight from Dallas to Seattle. There was a buffet and Native Alaskan dancers at the gate in Dallas, a champagne toast, cake, and certificates on the plane. The crew 
was great and you could really tell that they love their airline. We did however get stuck with a motley crew of passengers around us. From the guy with part of an ear missing (which didn’t bother me for about 6 hours, but by that 8th hour I never wanted to see him or his ear again) to the woman with the back problem (she was 2 rows in front of us, but spent the ENTIRE flight from Dallas to Seattle turned around talking to a woman she didn’t know in a seat in front of us). It was interesting – and exhausting. The small kids directly behind us were the most quiet and well-behaved passengers around us.
So, I still don’t know if I want to live here permanently. I do tend to get a little homesick, but hope I will get used to the area in the next few weeks. I still feel like I need to be here. BUT I NEED A JOB TOO. I need to call my aunt. I haven’t heard from her in nearly 5 years so it will be weird to talk to her. She lives in Anchorage.
Life is going pretty well. I don’t yet know where I will be 2 months from now, but I know I will enjoy getting there. And I suddenly have an interest in Minnesota (IF Alaska doesn’t pan out like I wanted it to). The possibilities seem endless. I will write more soon and will include pictures as I get them.
North to the Taiga
It seems I am now officially Alaska bound. I have discussed it with both Lori and Justin and they are both excited to go with me. Lori and I are flying up on the 12th to check it out before cementing our decision, but we are about 95% sure we are going. Of course, I am frantically trying to find a job and get everything packed. Regardless of what may happen, I do think I would like to move and sell my condo. It just seems like the thing to do right now.
I have a strong feeling that this move is the right thing to do and I can’t ignore that gut feeling. I will certainly miss a lot of what I have going on here, but I feel like I am being called there; pulled forward to a new destiny. It feels right. I hope the trip strengthens that feeling. I will be there for a month, which fell into my lap through the kindness of my dad’s friends.Continue Reading
‘The Time Has Come,’ The Walrus Said
‘The time has come,’ the Walrus said,
‘To talk of many things:
Of shoes – and ships – and sealing-wax –
Of cabbages – and kings –
And why the sea is boiling hot –
And whether pigs have wings.’
Life just keeps changing on me. No, I am no longer at Barnes & Noble. And no, it isn’t by choice. I don’t really want to discuss it though and I hate having to tell people… especially my parents. Aside from feeling like a failure (having been with a company for 7 years and getting fired), I knew they would try to fix the situation, which isn’t what I want. I can generally solve my problems… my way. I don’t need to do everything their way. And that is a tough conversation to have. Ol’ confrontational me will never say anything.
Mind you, I do appreciate the advice, but the quick fix to my problem is irritating.
The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead –
There were no birds to fly.
The world seems open with possibilities now, which is nice. I recently referred to B&N as a family, stating that families are good for two things: creating a sense of security and keeping you tied down. And that is true. I feel so free of the concerns I had at work. I don’t need to care about any of the day to day crap I dealt with there, but I shall deeply miss a lot of the people, not to mention making my own schedule. :pleased:
I have kicked around the idea of going back to school. I am interested and I am starting to gain focus on what I want to do, but I really dread doing it. I am interested in several things. Mainly, I want to work with the mentally ill (those with a chemical rather than physiological disorder) and their families. I would like to work in either a counseling, social work, or advocacy role for these individuals. This has been a calling of mine for a long time — since high school. I really feel that I can do the most good in this field. My other interest, which is totally unrelated, is Interior Design. It doesn’t have the human side that the other does, but it is likely to pay better, use my creative talents, and be very fun rather than challenging. I doubt that I would get the same satisfaction out of that.
I have been applying for any retail management jobs I can find. So far, I have been to Foley’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, Pier 1, & Borders. I have applied online at Babies R Us, Cracker Barrel, IKEA, Schurman Fine Papers, Blockbuster, & GameStop. Hopefully something will work out.
I am also trying to organize my people to create my web based business. I really want it to be successful, but I just need to people to do the work. I have been doing everything, which can take quite some time. I will release more information about it later… when I feel like I have a firm grasp on the concept.
Lastly, I want to be published. It doesn’t require a degree, but doesn’t pay anything until a publisher is interested. And I need to finish my book before a publisher will be interested.Continue Reading
Belated, But No Less Important
2004:
It is nearly over. I have survived, but I feel like just barely. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful and exhausting. I feel like I haven’t had any time to myself. Because I haven’t. I blog when I am alone and off work. It is my release, my sanctuary. But there has been none. It is done. Christmas behind us, we will be settling back into the day to day routine soon. I look forward to that time. It is funny how the times I so enjoyed as a child are the very ones that stress me out and I hate as an adult.
Belated:
I really must wish a happy birthday to a few people. I missed the actual days, and I am sorry for that. Conner and Nick both had birthdays on the 20th, Sandra on the 22nd, Jesus on the 25th… hmm. I know there were some others. I can’t think what they were. Hmm.
Now that things have settled and the “holidays” are over, I will write more this week.Continue Reading
Grey Thoughts on a Grey Day
…
I should be sleeping, but I find myself up thinking about getting old, or maybe just death. I am a little blue, but I know that I am not alone. I so desperately wish I could be alone in this sometimes. A friend e-mailed me the other day to tell me that his paternal grandpa and his maternal grandma are both in poor health. Very poor. It breaks my heart that he is dealing with the things I have struggled with. Honestly, this friend has had more than his fair share of struggles in his life. I want to give him a big hug.
Papa isn’t doing that well… it makes me feel guilty and sad. I am not sure I could handle anything happening to him right now. It would tear me up. He has back problems, which are not serious, but he has started feeling old, which is worse.
When John died, I has hoped that I would never deal with death again, knowing that was stupid… I just don’t know what I have left. I already do a great deal of pushing people away. More abandonment might cause a great break down. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I know that Papa isn’t doing that well, so I have visited less. It doesn’t help that the house makes me sad because Mimi should be there. Age is such a cruel joke. If you can make it through this life, you will be rewarded with death. How much sense does that make. I wish we didn’t get old – I don’t necessarily mind aging per se, but I don’t want people to die.
I hope Travis understands how much I love him and I will keep his family in my thoughts and prayers. I have so many thoughts in my head, but I am so tired that I will have to come back to them when I am not fighting with my sleep.Continue Reading
The Season of Wrath
Sleep:
Once again, my sleep is a little screwy. I would blame it on my being sick, but that is almost over and really has little to do with it in my estimation. I think it is entirely caused by my own foolishness. When one is tired, one should go to sleep. This one, however, doesn’t always do that. It is okay, but I just don’t want my sleep pattern to interfere with work… and somehow it always does. I really need to stop complaining about this. If nothing is changing I will just have to accept it.
Shopping:
My parents came over for some shopping today. I really enjoyed it, even if it did seem to be a little pointless. They picked up very little. I do have some ideas of what to get them though. We all went to Cracker Barrel after, as it is somewhere they can’t go in Stillwater. Then a quick trip to Nam-Hai, Hancock, and they returned home. I miss that. They used to come over all the time. Now I just feel like I am the son who hasn’t brought them the joy of grandchildren… which just makes me feel like a failure in life. I really wish that things were different sometimes and that I had the opportunity to have children of my own. I love my neice and nephews, but that isn’t the same. They also had KC with them, my neice. She is fun and very good natured. God, I want a family… and yes, I want a husband.
When they left, I went to Target to find a gift for my secret Santa person at work. I had picked up one thing because it was a good deal, but then I found the exact perfect thing I was looking for. I got that instead. I really think it will be a hit! I also got a small something for Lori, some gift bags, a gift for a girl at work I didn’t really want to buy for (but it was perfect), and some additional cards. I showed amazing restraint and put back the three items that I would never have used (2 clearance bags & an empty tin). I enjoyed the day, but it was exhausting. I stopped by Lori’s, watched last half of CSI, all of Without A Trace, and fell asleep sometime during the 10 o’clock news.
Work:
Work has been insanity lately. Such is the nature, yadda yadda yadda… I do of course work in retail. This weekend look like it will be a blast!!! We have a great crew Friday and Saturday, and then the manager party is on Sunday! Good times. It’ll be nice to be around these people and be having a good time — with the exception of Lori, with whom I often enjoy myself.
I just about killed Nick the other day, and now I understand someone called out yesterday… they are all on my list at this point. ALL OF THEM. I guess I need to start getting mean before someone notices. I love them to death, but they are walking all over me and they don’t really care right now. Maybe that isn’t true of everyone, but I get the feeling that several of them feel that way. Woe.Continue Reading