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Robby:
Good luck with the job hunt. I am sending you hugs and good thoughts. I really hope everything works out for you. I hope you know that you are a great guy… We talked for 2 and a half hours.. it was great to be able to share with someone again… someone who would never shut me out because of a jealous boyfriend. Not that I am bitter about that situation… Anyway, happy thoughts…

Extravaganza:
I went over to Jess’ place with Lori for a post 4th dinner & games extravaganza! We ate brats, played Uno, lit sparklers, and had a generally good time. It really felt like we used to… about a year ago. I miss the game nights and the closeness I had with them… which is strange, because I am closer to both of them now than I was then. But it was a shared closeness, “Lori & Jess” as a unit. Things ended up way too bitter and serious several months ago… and I hate the word “hate,” as we threw it carelessly around all the time. They are great… but they aren’t a they. Jess is great. Lori is great. Anywho, this evening was great.

Troy:
I am a complete moron. I hope he can find the time to forgive my stupidity and will still allow me in his life. I feel like a drama queen — I really try to not be… Hmmm… Sorry, T. Roy.Continue Reading

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Today:
Happy 4th all!

Becky:
She responded. She already knew. It all feels so silly now, having faced it. I had 3 people in my life left to share this with and the 2 I just told already knew… I guess it is naive to think they wouldn’t have figured it out by now. I am 24… My older brother, Brent, won’t have figured it out, I think. I don’t plan on telling him for some time yet, but I don’t expect much out of it. He is very judgmental, or can be.

Me:
As is apparent to the world at this point, I have been really frustrated and in pain lately. I honestly don’t know what set me off, but I am just upset about life. I try not to be; I try to be happy, but it is hard feeling like a pariah. I know I am not, and I really don’t want praise or attention (above what I normally need), but I just don’t know how to make this go away — this insufferable anguish. I am holding up fine on the outside, but internally I am exploding with feelings I don’t want anyone to know… “The mean reds,” to make a totally gay reference.

And there it is, the source of my problems. “GAY” <– I hate the societal pressures to be homophobic, I hate the teachings of the church, based solely on speculation that certain passages “probably” mean things I doubt they do. I hate that all of this makes my family not really want to know me. Oh, yes, they still love me. They told me that.

But when I fall in love… I won’t have the warm reception into my home with my new boyfriend as my straight brothers had with their girlfriends. I will never have a spouse that my family recognizes and loves the way Janessa and Laurisa are loved. I will never have children, which makes me want to curl up right now and die. The only purpose to life seems to be children. And I would love children. But I cannot deny myself. Nor will I.

I want to be loved for me, and accepted not just as the son who happens to be gay, but as the gay son. That sounds so weird, but I don’t want to live a secondary existence to my siblings… I need to be equal. They are recognized automatically as my parents straight sons. They are not sons who happen to be straight, with their wives and children… I don’t want to be different, or rather to feel like I am different. I am normal for me. I love my parents very much, but until they ask me out of the blue if I have a boyfriend (as they would ask about a girlfriend), I know they still can’t see me as anything but an annoyance, a problem, a pariah.

I know this makes very little sense, but I needed it off my heart for now. I know my parents love me. I too love them very much. I needed to rant. I am very tired now. I need to get away from this life… away from me.Continue Reading

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Letter:
I sent the letter I wrote to Stan, my uncle. He already knows I think, but not officially. Hmm… I feel like I am on some kind of coming out roll. Why do I need to do that right now? I keep thinking I left way more information on paper at work, but I am pretty sure I didn’t even write anything down… Why am I rambling?

Music:
I think I will spend the evening making CDs for my trip to Texas… I am so happy to have some time off. Yay!

Exercise:
Maybe I will go for a walk when it cools down tonight. That might make a nice change to just sitting here. I hope I decide to just do it.

Mimi:
I really miss my grandma today.

Stan:
He is really one of the greatest people I know. I cannot believe the e-mail I just got from him.

Brian,

In a word, WOW!!! Continue Reading

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Storm:
It’s been raining now for a couple of hours. I love a good storm, but I am the idiot who still has his computer plugged in… and on. I could deal with this weather all day today, but I think it’s going away this morning.

Vacation:
I can’t wait for my vacation. I just made plans last night to stop on my way through OKC to stop and see my brother’s family.

(KC…Yay!)
Isn’t she pretty. I would also like to be able to see my nephew, Conner. He is my other brothers kid. They live in Stillwater, so it isn’t as on the way as it could be… we probably won’t stop. I love being an uncle.

Becky:
It scares me that I haven’t heard from Becky yet. I hope she is not as upset with me as I now fear she could be… I am just not sure what to do. Maybe I should drop it and move on with my life… easier said… My mom tried to call earlier and I suddenly felt quite guilty over telling Becky, as my mom asked me never to tell family… It is still my path and I don’t like being pressured to do, or to not do, anything.Continue Reading

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Justin:
Justin called to talk earlier. He didn’t sound good. He then told me that Jennifer had died. I paused for a moment, not realizing who she was for a moment. First, I wrote this:

She Never Got To Tap Dance
Rain dripped silently from the cool June air.
No clouds spotted the sky,
but neither was there a sky at all.
In that misty darkness, Jennifer died.
Deaf and scared, she had known
for a while that her time was up,
but had never imagined it so soon.
She patiently waited for her last breath,
her last thought.

The keeper of the female emotions,
the carrier of love,
she told me several times that she
wanted to tap dance, but never learned how.
She is gone now and the dancing will never begin.
Justin has taken the emotions, the feelings,
the memories and now marches forward
to keep her memory alive.
He does this while comforting her family;
he does this alone. He must.

In the pain of childhood, Jennifer came
to help raise Justin.
She came with the others
to help keep emotions in check,
keep Justin safe.
Now, she has gone forever
and brave Justin is lonely and scared.

6/30/2004

Background on Jennifer:
Jennifer was one of Justin’s primary voices. Justin is schizophrenic and when he was about 12 or 13, he developed 3 distinct personalities in his head. Each controls certain emotions and parts of Justin’s life that Justin is no longer able to express. Jennifer was love, compassion, sexuality, etc. The three (Brandon, Jason, & Jennifer) are Justin’s oldest friends. He is devestated, but also exhausted. When an entity in your own head passes away, it must be traumatic. I really feel bad for Justin and hope that his heart is healed and he becomes a stronger person.

Advice:
I gave some advice last night that may have been bad. I told this girl I work with that it would be okay to get back together with her girlfriend, who had been abusive. I suck! I think it might work, but didn’t realize they were moving in together as part of getting back together. I care way too much about her to watch her get hurt, so this better work out. Otherwise, there will be some major drama involving her girfriend’s ass and my foot!

Molly & Franz:
My beautiful cats. I feel like I have been neglecting my poor babies. I love them so much! They are pretty good about just doing their own thing, but I still feel that I am not around to play with them enough. Play with your pussy today!Continue Reading

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Jim (yes, more about Jim):
I have had a lot of time to think about all the goings-on. I think it is quite amazing that he is so sure of himself. I really admire that. I think we will get along great as friends and hope we stay in each others lives for a very long time.

Lori:
I BLEW-UP at Lori this morning. It was all silly. I was just frustrated with the Jim situation, not to mention had very little sleep. I was upset and Travis was up so he was my shoulder. I feel bad now. I stormed out of Lori’s saying things I won’t repeat, peeled out of the parking lot and drove to work… I was so upset. And I know Lori is unhappy about some things sometimes, but I was in no mood for the tone… sorry Lori… Anyway, so then she wouldn’t speak to me all morning (I wouldn’t have either). I think it was nice to release though. I feel a lot better about life in general now.

Expectations:
I have decided to not have any expectations. I would rather just meet friends and if there are sparks, then we can go from there. I found out what trying to force it will do… it was not pretty at all. I want to be that person who just goes with the flow…Continue Reading

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Clarification:
Jim knows what he wants. I belittled him by saying he might not. If I were him, I would be angry and frustrated with me. I was such a jerk and I am very sorry.

Jim:
I think we want very much to be friends. I like him a lot, but do not need more than friendship from him, even if I would have liked more at first. I expected too much, but I am happy with what I learned from the experience. Jim is absolutely a wonderful human being.Continue Reading