Blog Posts
So Many Mysteries
Things and Rumors of Things:
The crazy lady gave Lori a Longaberger basket, which is a funny story. It was a good day at work. Busy, but good. Hopefully, we can have everything in order by tomorrow (or at the very least next Monday). I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong, as my manager has been quiet around me recently, but I think she is just frantic to get the store ready for the holidays.
I made Meghan yelp several times today, which was great fun. I just love working with the people back in music lately. I guess that sounds wrong — like I enjoy tormenting the poor dears, but I think they are a lot of fun. And it helps that they are all pretty darn productive as well. Good good good.
Renee is rumored to have a blog. I will investigate momentarily, but will finish this post first.
I am interested in reading The Stupidest Angel so if you have read it let me know what you thought. Marla and Nancy both enjoyed it and I am waiting for Nancy to loan it to me. It looks really funny. I am also interested in reading the newest Push books. I can’t remember the titles at the moment. And I would like to read both Salt and Cod. I really need some money because I also want several CDs. Britney Spears, Shania Twain, & Elton John all had CDs today that I would like to get. Rufus Wainwright has one coming soon. I also want Friends Season 8 (the first one I didn’t get on the release date), A Home At The End Of The World, Shrek 2, Harry Potter 3, Rudolph, Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas, Without A Trace Season 1, and Profiler Seasons 1-4. A 4th job might cut it, but I never found a second. Oh well…
Lori and The Mysteries Surrounding Her:
My sincerest apologies to Lori, who I know felt slighted by me lately. I have been aloof, but not for any reason. I think that I just get locked into new routines easily and when I got sick and then Lori went to Houston, I got locked into just sitting around watching TV because that is all I did for those 2 weeks. If forced, I can alter what I do from day to day, but unless it is necessary, I just do the same ol’ thing. Not at all about Lori, who was the focus of my previous routine. I am much like my father…
Again, sorry. It isn’t about you, Lori. Neither is it to be considered a lack of consideration. Blah blah blah… same old story.
House:
The kitchen is clean.
I want a digital camera that works so I can post more pictures…. Sigh…Continue Reading
Sleepy and Messy
Sleep:
I slept for 20 hours again. Something is very wrong. Maybe depression. Maybe just fatigue. I seem to never feel tired, but sleep too long when I finally do fall asleep. It is okay, but I am sorry to Lori who was expecting my help today. It wasn’t my intention to sleep all day. Oh well. (by today, I mean Sunday). I feel like I need to catch up, so I am thrilled that I only have 3 shifts to work before I have a week off from work. Maybe I can level out my sleep patterns in that time.
Vacation:
Suddenly there is a lot to do in the small time I have off. I plan on going to Stillwater to see my family on Thursday and Friday. Saturday is Nathan’s 2nd birthday party and I will be going over to James & Shauna’s house for that. Rennie is supposed to be there, which will be great. I really miss all of them and hope we can start communicating more often. I would like to spend a couple of days hanging out and therefore not having any plans to go anywhere. I can do that Sunday and Monday. It should be nice and it all starts when I get off work on Wednesday.
Same Ol’ Story:
My house needs to be cleaned as usual. I wish my mind worked like Lori’s. Her house is always clean and she doesn’t seem to stress too much over it.
Top 10 Stores I Would Shop At If I Had Money (or shop at more):
1. Saks Fifth Avenue
2. Banana Republic
3. IQ Furniture
4. Pottery Barn
5. Urban Outfitters
6. IKEA
7. Vertigo
8. Pier 1
9. Ultimate Electronics
10. Sears
I am generally happy with my financial situation, but if I had the money to shop at these places I would gladly do so. As it is, for what I want they remain mostly out of my range. That is okay though.Continue Reading
Oh, I’m Big Mad, But Not Surprised
Election:
I am sorry world. I am sorry. I don’t understand why people cannot see what an ignorant slut this president is. Why can’t they see that discrimination is wrong in all forms. W supports discrimination. Why can’t people see that minority issues should not be decided by voters. We did not do this with women’s rights or African American rights. Our country was so divided by a minority population to contribute to a civil war. What measures will now be required for me to be a real citizen of the country I live in and love? When will it be my turn to feel free?
Fuck you if you voted to keep this. Fuck you if you want me to be under the thumb of the religious right who have conveniently forgotten that we have a separation of church and state. I will eventually have to accept that my life will never be different. Bush will never give fair attention to any issue affecting my life. Bush will not only ignore me, but will continue pissing off the world through his ignorant arrogance. Allies matter. Fuck you, George W Bush! You are not my president. You do not have a mandate.
Half of this country still opposes you and your “Christian agenda.” That is ironic that a Christian person would support the death penalty, war, discrimination. It is amusing that these are the issues that would define them. Opposition to these issues is Christian. I am ashamed to live in the United States. I am ashamed that George W Bush was re-elected. I am upset that some people don’t understand how dangerous this man is. I want the troops home with their families, not occupying Iraq, where oil reserves forced us into attacking. Bush: Fuck you, you ignorant slut!
This is a sad day.
On the other hand, good job Kerry/Edwards. We were out here. Don’t be disheartened. You had support. I am just sorry it wasn’t enough.
My last post:
Sorry if any of you were offended by my last post. I was upset and I feel passionate about politics very rarely. It was good to release. I just feel trapped by this country lately. Jess, Lori, and I discussed this issue tonight and I feel much better about it.
Obsession(s):
I know I get obsessed easily, but I am very into squash of all kinds right now and I am on a crusade to get everyone to eat squash. Tonight I made “zingerbread” while Lori made enchilada soup, to which I added zucchini. I got 2 cookbooks and don’t want to waste them. I want to make pumpkin pies from different types of pumpkins, pumpkin soup in winter squash bowls, squash chips w/ cucumber dip, and all kinds of other things. I think summer squash is my favorite food. The zingerbread was excellent by the way.
Lazy:
I overslept because of the election and missed my dental appointment. Lori and I spent the day watching movies, talking, cooking, sleeping, and just generally relaxing. It really was nice. We had a fire going and it felt nice to not worry about work or my parents. It really made me want to start using my fireplace, which I have covered by a bookcase right now. I really wish I had someone to share my life with. Someone to cuddle with.
Top 10 Stores I Actually Shop At:
1. Target
2. Barnes & Noble
3. Lulu Faboo
4. IKEA
5. Lowe’s
6. Wal-mart Neiborhood Market
7. Walls Bargain Center
8. Reasor’s
9. Hancock Fabrics
10. Nam-HaiContinue Reading
At Least I Cancelled Out Lori’s Vote
Boo! whatever:
Yesterday was such a lazy day… terrifically so. I enjoyed it though — lazy is relaxing. Jess, Lori, and I watched Survivor (taped) and Will & Grace, ate some yummy soft tacos, and carved our jack-o-lanterns. I just cut leaves blowing in the wind into mind, as it will be up for a few days past Halloween. Not that my decorations will be down until tomorrow, but whatever. Jess’ was scary and Lori’s was silly, which wasn’t surprising from either of them. They are so wonderfully predictable. I like it.
Vote:
I did it… I can’t take it back now! Lori and I went to vote while we were on lunch today. It actually took a little too long because we were unclear on where to go, but once we got there it went pretty fast. I know my individual vote won’t matter here in Oklahoma, but I feel happy that I cancel at least one Bush vote out. It makes me sad to think that he could win tomorrow. Blah. For anyone interested, I have nothing to hide: I voted: for John Kerry, for Brad Carson, for all gambling measures, for education lotto, against new cigarette/income tax, for immobile veterans not paying property tax, for Doug Dodd, against Native American tribes being fined for not charging cigarette tax, and against most of the justices on the ballot. That was just to be a dick, which isn’t fair. The rest were thought out votes at least.
Nice:
Nice has been the theme of the day. We started the day hearing about Jeff’s Kindness Campaign 2004, as he calls it. It calls for random acts of kindness between managers to the point that we actually drew names to be sure we have a person to do something extra for… a card, helping them out, a gift of appreciation… it doesn’t require money. It was interesting because later I was looking at a book about groups of people who don’t fit in, but who have come together. In it was “Join Me!” This group, British I believe, started when a guy took out an ad in a paper that simply said “Join Me!” He has received responses from around the world and the group now has a mission. “Random acts of kindness for random people.” I think it is great. Too often we take our fellow human beings for granted.
Website/Photos:
I spent hours yesterday morning working on my homepage… hours! I am pretty happy with it now and it includes a photo album. Visit Brian’s homepage here. Let me know what you think of it! It was fun, but I would like the button at the top to open pages in a new window and could figure out how. If anyone knows, please let me know here. Also, I added reviews. I just put 3 on, but check ’em out.Continue Reading
Halloween Will Be Nice, Even If My Rights Don’t Matter
Vote:
I have decided to vote. I was wavering last week, but I think it is important for me to just do it. Part of my problem is that Oklahoma has already been declared and no votes have taken place. I know that my vote doesn’t really count in the long run and that is disheartening. I guess the only way to change things is to get out there. It makes me terribly sad that discrimination will be added to the Oklahoma constitution with the anti gay marriage amendment. It also makes me sad that consumers of cigarettes will be saddled with additional taxes. This is one of the many things that irritates me. I have never understood this, even before I started smoking. Raising taxes on a small part of the population is not an acceptable substitute for parenting.
Soapbox:
Society is not responsible for the following: smoking, underage drinking, gambling problems, or disrespect. Parents are. Too often, parents sit around waiting for morality to fall into their children’s laps. Apathetic and lazy parenting is to blame for kids not understanding how to behave around other people. It always amazes me how wonderful my parents are. They really taught us responsibility, respect, a strong work ethic, and the importance of family. I am so proud to be a part of what seems to be such a rare type of family.
🎃 Halloween Fun:
I hope my Halloween is relaxing. I plan on cleaning, carving a jack-o-lantern, and watching The Others with Lori. I really want to get this place cleaned up… I don’t know why I can’t get my brain to work properly. I just can’t get myself to organize the way Lori, my dad, and so many others I know can. They all argue that I have too much, but I don’t really think that is the problem. Anyway, what better way to spend a day off than making my house more livable. I invited Patrick and Justin to join us, but for some reason they will be doing a lot of work… it seems a little odd that they would be so busy on a Sunday, but I guess the homeowners have the day off so landscaping is more of a weekend thing.
Commercial:
Although the Child Abuse Network does extremely important work, the commercial playing in Oklahoma is scary. Wynonna Judd is HUGE. And the top she is wearing just gave me a headache. God, it is annoying.Continue Reading
Lament For Tooth #30
Lament For Tooth #30:
It is done. Satisfied with the amount of decrease in infection, Dr. Coffey gassed me, gave me shots, and ripped my quickly dying tooth from my jaw. The process was not too bad actually. The hygienist was very nice, which always helps. Unfortunately, I require multiple shots before achieving numbness. That only made the wait take longer. When I was as numb as I was getting, he worked to pry the tooth loose, which it was not interested in. Some impromptu surgery and sutures later, the tooth is completely gone. Then came the bleeding. It only took me 3 or 4 hours to get the clot to form, which I am telling myself is normal. Now I am just supposed to take it easy for 24 hours, which should be easy (considering that is all I do with my life usually).
Why would I want to hang on to a part of my body that didn’t have the courtesy to stay alive? Seriously though, the dentist and the nurse who wrapped stuff up both offered me the black and shattered tooth remnants. Yes, those would go great with my body parts collection. Or maybe with my collection of old broken things that have died. No thank you. I do not want to keep the tooth.
It always irritates me when I have to come back. Next week the sutures will come out and a comprehensive exam of my teeth will be completed so that a long term treatment plan can be established to both fill the gap in my teeth and have fillings reset to prevent losing the other 5 teeth that are in the same danger. I don’t know that he understood that I want as much done by December 31 as possible because I met my deductible the other day for 2004. I still say it is stupid that teeth don’t rank as a medical expense.
Sleepy:
Codeine is one of the nicest parts of any medical visit, dentist of otherwise. It does make me sleepy though. I keep thinking about how nice it would be to have a boyfriend to wait on my hand and foot instead of being at my parents’ house waiting for chili I know I won’t like and not being able to sleep because the menu for the Shrek DVD will not allow me to sleep.
I need a man for more reasons than that. There was a guy in today that made me realize that I may have moved on from bois to men. He was in his 40s, very built, but with no neck. He was very attractive to me. But then I was thinking about how I wouldn’t even know what to do with that kind of man.
Family:
I am at my parents’ house, as I said, which I love because I grew up in this house. I have been the most against selling this house as my parents looked for somewhere else to live, but I like the idea if it means building our very own homestead.
Conner has been so great today. He told me this story about his uncle John (my sister-in-law’s brother) scaring him as a wolf at the downtown trick-or-treat night. It was cute, but being the defiant kid he is made sure that I understood that he hit Uncle John. Today was also the first time Conner called me Uncle Brian. It was nice, as Conner has always called me Brent.
I can’t sleep here. If it had the walls, carpet, furniture, accessories, appliances, or smell it had while I was growing up it would be more relaxing. But it is not. Everything has changed (even the toilet and tub!) I can’t wait to drive home and sleep in my own bed for the rest of the day.
Gifts:
Am I the gayest person on the planet??? I have gotten what I need to make pillows, throws, and/or sachets. It will be nice to save money and have given something so meaningful.
Let It All Out:
I am on a roll with pissing people off. So, here goes again. A few weeks ago, I mentioned a secret that I kept until now from my friends. Specifically, Lori and Jess who would be most affected by the news. I went dancing the night we went out for Jess’ birthday. I went after I refused to be the DD. But that is a major part of my point.
Jim called at 11:30. He and his boyfriend were to be at the Majestic in 30 minutes. It had been so long that I put myself together and met them there, where I danced away.
I never want to be a DD. If it comes up, then fine, but I don’t want to be asked to go somewhere just because I have decided to not drink. I am nobody’s bitch. Again, I don’t mind helping out, but these things must be on my own terms.Continue Reading
Not Carving Pumpkins In Lori’s House
Lori:
I do not hate Lori, but I get the feeling that she always thinks that lately. Now, I am sure she knows I don’t really, but I want her to know that I care about her a great deal. It is rather exhausting defending your feelings about someone all the time, which is why I haven’t. It is all okay. I appreciate you. Thanks for keeping an eye on my while I was sick last week.
Weird:
Some things in my life seem weird right now. In particular, my relationship with each of my friends. It all seems messy… if that makes sense.
Jess and I decided to watch movies at Lori’s while she is in Houston. Really, my DVD player is still over there… We also discussed the possibility of carving pumpkins, but I think we reached a consensus that pumpkin carving is not an acceptable activity in someone else’s house. Oh well… Maybe some other time. Speaking of movies, I think I want to see i huckabees.
I realized that Justin leaving may have triggered feelings of breaking up with someone. Maybe that is what happened to my libido, but I simply haven’t cared about sex lately. Justin and I weren’t a couple, but I miss him terribly. I know he and Patrick are very happy though.
Lori is going to be in Houston this week, as I mentioned previously. To her dismay in reading this, this break from constantly seeing her has been nice. I have no specific problem with Lori, but I was too comfortable. I don’t like routine and it had become one. I think I need time to myself much more often than people realize. And they don’t realize what that really means either. Lori, you know I love you…. but I realize you will take this too personally.
Being Alone:
I cannot express how much I value privacy. Often I am seen as secretive or sneaky, but really I just like to keep to myself. My privacy means that I have the right to not answer the phone or want friends to come over. And that is okay. Although I appreciate genuine concern about my well-being when it is warranted, frantic worrying about me just bugs me. If I don’t answer the phone, call someone else. If there is cause for concern, by all means check to make sure I haven’t died. However, I am not obligated to come in contact with somebody every single day. In fact, on days that I want to be alone, stopping by to make sure I am alive kills the day. I want to wake up and fall asleep on that day, having seen nobody. Having talked to nobody. Having spent the day doing Brian things.
Hurt:
My feelings were hurt. I mention it because it happens so infrequently. The person involved here will think that I hate them somehow, but I do not. I was with a friend at a store. I was mentally planning out some Christmas gifts that I could make, picking out fabrics and having them cut when my friend starts in on the fact that I buy fabric and never do anything with it. “I have never even seen you use your sewing machine… and you never buy enough to do anything with… ” I was offended. I think there are some issues here. First, my money and my buying habits are my business and go back to privacy. Secondly, no one wants to hear what a fuck-up they are in any area of life. Mind you, this friend is not the only one to do this to me. Why do people feel a need to cut me down? Am I doing something to them that I don’t realize I am doing?
Justin Things:
I was going through some stuff in my bedroom closet when I ran across some stuff Justin had given me. My favorite is a cheesy picture of a rose… the whole things looks a little WT, but the saying on it makes me cry every time I read it.
I LOVE YOU
You see me as I wish I were.
You hear what I really mean,
And not only what I say;
You always know how I feel.
You help me be a better person.
Bradley Tyler
It is overly sentimental, but it really
made me realize that Justin understood me and why I tried so hard to make his life better. I want so much for him and I am glad that he is happy… finally. I also ran across some of his paintings, which I need to see if he wants. I love them. He painted his emotions… the way people appear in his head. They are all blob heads with sharp teeth. They make me sad because I know they are from years of pain, but they are one of the most honest things in Justin’s life.
Prayers:
Meghan’s mom, Ren’s sister and two nieces.
Also, Lori who is traveling to Houston and John who is traveling out of Houston.Continue Reading